TSHP134: Time to Rethink Your Plans for 2016?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

A new year is upon us which means only one thing – new year resolutions! But should it? Or are they the right resolutions? A different take from team LITP. Happy new year everyone!

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New Year 2016

You Can’t Have New Beginnings Without Endings

Each New Year we talk about new beginnings. About how we need to look forward to the year to come, make resolutions and build the future that we want and desire. For many of us this never really happens and each year becomes the same old, same old as years slide seamlessly one year to the next.

I have become more aware of how my clients, and come to that all of us, are forever hampered in our attempts to go forward because we are attached to the past. Unresolved emotional pasts are either holding us back like anchors on a cruise ship or we are left dragging them around like an iron ball on a chain. In either event struggling against an immoveable anchor or dragging an extreme weight is tiring and debilitating leading to fatigue and ultimately depression.

This has a huge physical and emotional impact on our ability to live in the present, enjoy who and where we are, and leads to many physical and psychosomatic conditions. Some estimates suggest that up to 60% of visits to primary care are for emotional not physical problems. Yet these emotional issues are treated with physical medication to deal with the physical symptoms rather than more appropriately making referrals to psychological medicine.

Symptoms such as depression, tiredness, fatigue, M.E. Chronic fatigue, the various forms of myalgia, muscle tensions, back ache, headache, asthma, skin eruptions, insomnia, disorders of the gut…I could go on forever, are either totally, partially, are at last exacerbated by our overloaded emotions and our inability to let go of what was and embrace where we are in the present.

Understanding our before and after
Often the emotional symptoms that I refer to are related to loss, hurt and change. Such events create a before and after. Before the event we had an identity and after the event we have an identity but they are different. Nostalgia is when we keep looking back to the past, and crave for that past to be our current present. This can never happen. It is this deficit between what was and what is, that is the feelings of loss that lead to these depressive symptoms. For many years nostalgia was seen as an emotional disorder.

Returning to the pain
Nostalgia was coined by Swiss physician Johannes Hoffer in 1688, and for years after that, nostalgia was considered a disorder, according to The New York Times. Hoffer called nostalgia a “neurological disease of essentially demonic cause,” the Times reported. The term comes from the Greek words for “returning” (nostos) and “pain” (algos).

You can see from the above that our looking back is often painful. Either we are reliving painful experiences or feeling the hurtful loss of good experiences. Either which way looking back often leads to feelings of pain in the present hence the tendency for it to create depression.

When we lose people, become divorced, retire or are made redundant, or when we are subject to unwanted change, as in when the workplace undergoes re-organisation, or perhaps we have been the subject of an accident or event that has been life threatening, each can lad to nostalgia “returning to the pain”.

These days we view nostalgia as a warm feeling for a safer and happier past, the good times that were. Yet even in this there can be the seeds of depression. As societies and organisation’s change, often a revolution rather than an evolution, we hanker for the old order that was, to our eyes, so much better than what we have now.

Creating endings
What I am saying is that we tend to fail in our attempts at creating our New Year resolutions because we are held back by our unresolved past. The steps one, two and three, in the Live in the Present book are designed to deal with this and my book, ‘What’s That In Your Attic’ is about cleaning all the rubbish out of your head. On the basis that you can only create effective new beginnings once you have created endings, perhaps you might consider putting your attention to letting go of what was before creating what will be. If you are struggling with unresolved past issues or suffering from the types of psychosomatic symptoms that I have described above you might benefit for some psychotherapy.

And for those of you who are now reaching for your keyboard to tell me that your symptoms are not psychosomatic and that they are a diagnosed disease, condition or syndrome with a name, I am not saying that all illness is psychosomatic, but that the symptoms of your physical illness will be exacerbated by your emotional wellbeing and health or by the lack of it. In letting go of the past you are assisting the natural healing of your body to do its job.

Be happy, let go and move forward.

Sean x

TSHP133: How is Christmas for you?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Christmas is supposed to be a time of pure joy – gifts, food, family and friends. What’s not to like? For some it can be a tricky time though so Sean and Ed thought they’d have a chat about how to cope with the stresses and strains. Happy Christmas to all of our listeners, we love you!

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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How is Christmas for You?

Here Comes The Sun

Last weekend I went to the supermarket and I was wearing sandals and a tee shirt… Something is wrong! It should be cold, I should be wrapped up with a scarf and gloves and trying to keep warm. When the scientist predicted the idea of global warming they suggested ‘warm wet winters and cool dry summers’, they were right. As the people of Cumbria prepare for their third flood this year and those of the equator dig deeper in the well to find more water, it is not odd for us to feel that the world has gone mad.

The cycles of mother nature may have nothing to do with global warming and the role that mankind has played in warming the planet, who knows?, but there is something odd happening out there.

But Christmas is Christmas and the solstice is the solstice.

Following the darkness of winter, that has its depth at the winter solstice and the longest night, comes the lightening, as the days draw out. This sense of the light coming to dispel the darkness has been ever present in the psychological cycle of the year. The festivals of Solstice, (Yuletide), originally the three days around midwinters day, December 21st, was gradually superseded by Christmas or ‘Christmastide”. In some parts of the pagan world the festival of ‘Yule’ lasted for twelve days, which became the twelve days of ‘Christmastide’.

For many of us Christmas is a magical time for our children whose excitement and expectation is wonderfully infectious. The tree full of lights sparkle in the darkness and many streets are so bright that they must be visible from the moon.

The magic of these festivals, at this time of year, is in the realisation of the coming of the light back to the world. Psychologically this is the development of awareness and understanding, as the light dispels the darkness, or symbolically, good dispels evil. The symbol of the star shining over Bethlehem, as the light shining in the dark, is the same as the Chinese symbol Yin and Yang or the Hindu symbol of Hatha, both showing the relationship between the duality of consciousness and unconsciousness. Consciousness is the light that illuminates the darkness of unconsciousness.

Christmas is, at its best, a time of light, of increasing awareness, of love and joy, of acceptance, and giving. The gifts given to Jesus were represented in pagan ‘Yuletide’ by the gifts given by the farmers, and the people at the Yule feast, often these were animals that were sacrificed to God as an expression of gratitude for the coming of the light in the New Year.

I have never been a lover of dark cold winters, and to know that the darkness is behind me and that ahead is the lighter warmer time of spring and the heat of summer becomes the light at the end of a tunnel.

Perhaps, the issue is that I am in my darkness walking towards my light. My winter leads to my spring. This time of the year is my symbolic emotional and spiritual ending and rebirth in the new beginning of the New Year.

We all deserve a new beginning. We all have the right and the power to make our lives good and right.

Enjoy the lightness and love of your festivities, be happy and merry

Have a wonderful Yuletide and a meaningful Christmastide

See you in the New Year

Sean x

TSHP132: The Importance of Lifelong Learning

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What’s Coming This Episode?

It’s official. Your education did not end when you left school. Guys, you gotta keep learning till the day you day (and that day will more than likely appear much later than if you give up on learning early on). Lifelong learning is a must and here’s why…

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Life long Learning

Never, never, never give up!

When I was a child we had fireworks every November 5th. On the box were written the instruction “light the blue touch paper and retire”. Later this was developed to “stand well back”. Now, I think that is what people do when they embrace the idea of retirement, they stand well back from life and for many this is the beginning of the end. Life is about learning; learning is living and, for most of us living and learning is working. It is engagement.

The other day the children laughed at me when I referred to a spider as a person. The spider, female in this case, from my point of view, has rights just like you and me. Some people become spider phobic but all she, the spider, is doing is living and doing her work, living her life.

All beings work. Everyone on this planet from ants to elephants work. Working is engagement in the process of living. Essentially this means getting up in the morning and going about the business of finding food, creating shelter and safety and raising the next generation. We are all at the same thing.

Working and living should be the same thing…

Some of us, perhaps all of us, also play. Dogs obviously, primates definitely, the horses when I go for my early runs are playing chase around the field, maybe even ants have down time and play. The essential is the working, because without engagement in the work process we die. Food and shelter are fundamental, they are essential work.

However, compared to all the other people on the planet human beings are different in two ways. The first is that we have a much longer childhood, not maturing until we are twenty five years old, which is a hugely non productive, non working time, supported by parents and society, however this does allow for much longer brain development and evolutionary advantage. We also have money.

Money has a unique effect for humans. We no longer need to work like all other species doing essential work. We are able to do abstract things with our time and collect tokens (money) for doing it and exchange these for food and shelter and safety. So for many humans the concept of ‘work’ has become very different. Someone who writes or paints or produces cars or, is a nurse or carer, does not do essential work, other people do it for them.

The strange thing is that those among us who do essential work become ever fewer and fewer to the point that if the majority were required to become essential workers they would not have a clue how to go about it. The plethora of TV programmes about groups of people abandoned somewhere like an island and having to survive is testament to this. Both practically and socially many fail.

Now then, when you live the ‘normal’ life of an essential worker, which must be within the rhythms of nature and season, it is a life long task. Any species that decided they had had enough and stopped doing their essential work would die, simple. Yet socially and financially human beings have created this retirement, when they stand back from life, cease to be productive and survive. I guess I should qualify that statement with reference to the industrial world and the west. There are many countries where social welfare does not exist.

There is a strong case for not retiring.

Reasons not to retire

1: We know that it is in the process of engagement and life long learning that new brains cells are created and that people remain younger.

2: When people become physically less active and more sedentary they develop more diseases.

3: Those that maintain a working function maintain and develop social relationships and maintain a sense of belonging.

4: Most productive people have a stronger sense of self and self-esteem.

I could go on, and on. I guess one big one that has hit the western industrial world is that supporting retired people costs much more money than anyone ever expected and we can’t afford it. This is where the money token idea begins to breakdown.

I know from my own clients that the people who continue to work, and I see many people still at work in the seventies, even If that work is voluntary, yet regular and committed, have higher levels of self esteem and enjoyment, have a stronger sense of purpose and value. They stay younger longer.

At what point do we stand back from life, do we retire? For some people this begins at fifty and for others it never happens. My definition of success and happiness is waking with a smile on your face feeling that you have something that you truly want to get out of bed for something to go and do that if both meaningful and fulfilling. For many, this is called work, though many do not realise it until they retire.

Whether you do it for money, or the love of it, don’t stand back, remain involved and engaged in the process of life and living. I promise you that you will be happier.

Take care be happy and keep on learning

Sean x

TSHP131: How to cope when the kids leave home

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What’s Coming This Episode?

We build incredible relationships with our children, but at some point we have to trust that we’ve done a good job and let them head off into the big, sometimes bad, world. For some this is straightforward but often it can be extremely tricky. A podcast for parents this week…

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When Kids Fly The Nest

This week a listener, Angela, sent us a message…

“My daughter is in her second year at university and I miss her terribly. I realise I gave her the wings to fly and I want her to use them but it’s hard sometimes. I am better this year as I have done it once already but a podcast would be helpful as I find when we take her back to uni we are a bit flat but then get over it with work keeping us busy but then about 4 weeks after she has left I am jumping in the car to go and visit her as I miss her too much to wait longer than that. I find though that each time I have to say goodbye instead of getting easier it gets harder.”

This is normal, yet mainly for women. We often seek to understand the difference between men and women. Well, one difference is that a man’s life can be more constant, where as a women’s life changes at rites of passage. Women get married and change their name, they have children, the last child is born, the last child goes to school, the last child leaves school, the last child leaves home.

The majority of people identify themselves by what they do, not by who they are. How do you answer the question “who are you?” For many women the role of mother is a life-filling task. When the last child leaves many women feel crisis, often termed “empty nest syndrome”. I see many women as clients who are dealing with re-discovering themselves or maybe even discovering themselves for the first time.

I also deal with women who have hung onto their children for fear of being alone. I also see children who have been over parented and find themselves unable to be fully functioning adults. A crisis that can become extreme with the death of the dominating parent. The bottom line is that when we over parent we stunt the development of our kids by wanting them always with us.

In ‘The Prophet’ Kahlil Gibran writes…

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Sting sung, “if you love someone set them free”. This is never more true that when we look at our children. To allow our children to grow and develop we need to set them free from our own needs, fears and constraints.

Looking at attachment theory, by John Bowlby, we identify that those people who have a fearful attachment with others, and therefore fear letting their children go, probably have damaged attachment issues themselves. In most cases such people need therapy to resolve their own attachment issues from their childhood.

So, think about it, is there anyone that you are holding back, stunting or over parenting? Remember if you love someone set them free!

Take care and be happy

Sean x

TSHP130: Why Do We Fall In & Out of Love?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Love has many stages, all of them weird and wonderful in their own unique way. There’s that moment we first lay eyes on ‘the one’; the honeymoon period; the moment a child arrives on the scene and don’t forget the breakup. It’s time for a podcast about relationship…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Falling Out of Love

Jo sent in a message requesting a podcast about relationships that she suggested was from a male point of view. Having spoken to some male friends she came up with two analogies that describe a certain male way of looking at relationships. I suspect that it is not simply males and that many females have similar attitudes and behaviours to men.

Jo said…
“I have an idea for a podcast mainly for women. About how people view relationships, you touched on it a few weeks ago. I have been asking men how they view them and have collected a few analogies…

Egg and chips is nice but you don’t want that every night because it’s unhealthy

You chase a bus to catch it but once you’ve caught it there’s no need to chase it anymore.

Can you advise on changing conditioned thinking when it comes to relationships?”

As a general idea, as I have said on previous podcasts, I do not understand what the majority of women are doing with the majority of men. When I work with couples it is almost always the male figure that is the problem. Not in all cases but in most. I guess I could say that this only applies to the couples that come to see me or couples that seek therapy, I do not know, but in my work it is normally the man.

There is a book “Act like a lady think like a man” by Erica Gordon

In the book Erica recommends the 90 day rule as propounded by Steve Harvey…

“Often referring to sex as the “cookie”, Steve Harvey suggests that women keep the cookie in the cookie jar for a probationary period of 90 days, causing men to have to prove themselves, work for and earn the benefits.”

This is of interest to me as you will gather from the podcasts that we know it takes 30 days to build a neuro net to accommodate a new habit and a further 60 days to lodge it into our long term memory. I call this the Mind-brain relationship.

What he is suggesting is that in a lasting relationship we need to get beyond the thrill of the chase, which is powered by the endorphin dopamine and avoid the subsequent feeling of boredom by developing a bonded oxytocin relationship. Oxytocin is the endorphin that creates a bond between mother and child, couples, families, communities, societies and even the whole of humanity.

In our rush (dopamine) to get married/live together we fail to do the tuning in, the engagement, the foreplay that allows for the development of oxytocin.

What we describe as the Honeymoon period is dopamine, what we describe as a committed ongoing relationship is oxytocin. Those that become addicted to the thrill of dopamine can easily become serial philanderers as they go from one relationship to another to get a dopamine high.

Because people’s expressions of love are different, the ways in which we each create dopamine and oxytocin will vary. Through communication we have a better chance of meeting each other’s needs and creating lasting relationships. Though we all need dopamine, we all need a bit of woo in our lives, dopamine and woo equal excitement and fun.

What are you doing with your partner that is fun?

Be happy, have fun and create some dopamine

Sean x