Imposter Syndrome

I have worked with so many people who have lost their self confidence to the point where they feel like an imposter or a fraudster when doing their job or simply living their life. This leads to them becoming over alert, vigilant and anxious to the point where they now are beginning to make mistakes. The feeling of being a fraudster or an imposter is much more common than we realise and I deal with it all the time. I see GPs, consultants and surgeons, directors, chief execs, actors and performers feeling that they cannot do whatever it is that they have done and do for years. It is as though logically they know they are okay but emotionally they feel that they just can’t do it.

Self doubt may be a good thing

I believe that a healthy level of self doubt is not only a common thing but, I would maintain, is a positive things. It is powerful to question what we do, to review and improve. It is that mindful magic of being able to observe ourselves positively, not critically, and respond and change as is appropriate to better who we are.

Arrogance is not confidence

When we feel that we are always right people can then see us as confident. Those that need to be always right usually lack the confidence to be questioned or to question themselves. It can be short journey of confidence to arrogance. Once we feel that we know it all we have no-where to go and nothing to learn. At that point we become emotionally and mentally stunted and tend to disconnect from those around us. If I know everything then you have nothing to tell me or show me therefore whatever you say is really meaningless.

Of course there are people who are genuinely confident and people who do genuinely know a lot of things. The truly confident person is secure enough to question themselves and to allow others to question them without feeling insecure.

Are you confident?

Where does your confidence come from? Or where does you lack of confidence come from? For me, I think it is all down to parents and that early time in life when we establish the foundation of who we are. Unless something happens to make us review and reprogram then we just carry on the same story line for the rest of our life.

Reactive anxiety

We may lose confidence in who we are or what we do at any time in life. This is often a reaction to an event. It could simply be that after a car accident we now question our ability to drive, or for a surgeon following a patient death, an actor who gets bad reviews, a sales person who fails to hit their target, a mother who can’t stop her baby crying. The stimulus will vary but it happens when what we thought we could always do, or when the things that we did without even thinking are called into question.

This sense of failure happens to most of us at sometime and then we question our own ability and we can then feel like an imposter. Everybody else sees us and the situation as business as usual and they do not see what is going inside us. If we dare to share with others what we are actually feeling we often get a ‘pull yourself together’ or ‘don’t be so stupid’ message.

Emotion and mind

A developing sense of imposter syndrome can develop from a conflict between thinking and feeling. The thinking self knows that we are qualified, experienced and capable but the emotional self adds in that little pinch of doubt. It is now that we can begin to feel like a fraud.

Mindfulness

I am in danger of sounding like ‘mindfulness fixes all’ though it is usually true. When we have imposter syndrome it is an anxiety and anxieties are learned behaviours which if left alone become our habits. We may begin to learn the concept that we are a failure or that we got it wrong through direct experience or from other people that are influential in our life such as parents, partners, bosses and so on. When we engage in mindfulness we can observe what we are thinking, feeling or doing and we can decide whether or not we want to feed this idea with our attention or starve it by letting it go. ‘What you feed grows and what you starve dies’.

Most importantly the observer self can observe what other people are saying to us and how we react to it. We can then choose to respond rather than react and decide whether or not we want to own the feedback other people are giving to us. Most importantly we have choice and we have the potential to change.

In the extreme when we can’t shift the negative feelings that make us feel like a failure or an imposter we may need to see a therapist or do a mindfulness course. Most importantly we do not have to put up with it we can change it.

Take care, be happy and be yourself.

Sean x

TSHP338: Do you feel like an imposter in the room?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Ever had the feeling that you’re out of your depth? That everyone in the room is just waiting for you to slip up? Is it a common experience? If so, you by be suffering from imposter syndrome…

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

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TSHP337: Is it OK to go to war?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

War ain’t pretty, that’s for sure. It should always be (and generally is) a last resort, but can it sootiness be justified? A tricky one to talk about but Sean and Ed give it a go…

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

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War? What is it good for?

The theory of war is, for me, like the theory of evolution. If you believe in the idea of ‘survival of the fittest’, then, war makes sense. If, on the other hand you believe in evolution through co-operation then, war becomes a meaningless act of stupidity. The human dilemma seems to be co-operation versus competition. When football players take to the pitch, each team with their own followers, it is like a mini war with the victors and the vanquished. The creation of the United Nations, the European Community, the Pan African Congress and so on are examples of co-operation. The same is true about families that are either at war or in co-operation. This is also true for corporations, companies, public utilities, institutions etc, not to mention religions. 

It seems that there are always wars or rumours of wars at any time somewhere in the world. Can we say that war is a natural state of being for human kind? Well it is once we abandon the concept of co-operation. Currently their are conflicts in Palestine, Israel, Iran, Syria, North Korea, Iraq, Kurdistan, Turkey, Russia, Georgia, Hong Kong, Yemen, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Nigeria, Sudan, Cameroon, Ukraine, Venezuela and they are only those that I am aware of. It would seem that us humans are potentially a violent and warlike lot.  

Of course other animals do have conflicts and fights. Troops of chimpanzees live in a territory that they will defend. They may also attempt to take away territory from a neighbouring troop and create a conflict between the troops. Primates steal, attack, mug, rape and assault just like humans. When do such acts, fights, conflicts, or battles become a war? 

War, as opposed to a conflict, involves an extended period of fighting between, ethnic groups, regions, countries or other groups of people. A war generally involves the use of serious weapons, with organised military or militia with planned intent and goals. This may include terrorist or guerrilla actions. War is when a nation, or a belief group, be they political or religious enforces its rights, beliefs or demands on others by use of force. The force or threat maybe implied or actual, just like in bullying or coercion. 

Sometime war is well intentioned. I am sure that when the knights of the crusade went off to fight in the ‘Holy Land’ they believed that they were enacting the will of God and that is was a ‘good’ thing to do. The  same is probably true for the members of ISIS or conflicts such as the Protestants and Catholics in Northern Island. When Britain declared war on the Nazis it was done to stop something not to gain something.  Wars of liberation seem to be different to wars of conflict, colonisation, greed or psychopathy. 

War, to me, is a stupid waste of time, money and energy that creates pain torment and suffering. However, war has driven great inventions and scientific breakthroughs that would never have happened otherwise. The drive to discover the science that created the atomic bomb led to power stations providing energy and radioactive treatments in medical science that are becoming ever more refined.

To me it is all about awake-ness. When people lack awareness and are consciously deep asleep conflict, war and violence make sense to them. That is how they get what they want. When people are more aware and awake communication, cooperation and resolution makes sense.  

I experience the deep asleep people to go for evolution through conflict, the survival of the fittest, while  the more awake people go for evolution through cooperation. Therefore the deep asleep people attempt to resolve their challenges through conflict while the more awake people attempt to resolve their conflicts through communication.

When people come together in cooperation and communication we create peace, harmony and wellbeing. When people move apart in disagreement or an inability to communicate and compromise we create instability, insecurity and distrust. Doesn’t say a lot for Brexit and our deep asleep politicians.

I am left with the idea that until human beings wake up enough to realise that mutual cooperation, happiness and prosperity are available to all of us, if we choose to accept it, then conflict and war will be our natural default position.

Take care, be happy and create love not war

Sean x

TSHP336: How to tackle a bully (young or old)

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Bullying ain’t cool. Everyone knows that. It can start at home or at school but is not confined to those places or even to our youth. Bullying can take place at any stage of our lives. So how do we combat it, and what about the fragile bullies themselves?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

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Bullying

This week is UK national anti-bullying week. Schools have taken this up and have encouraged pupils to wear odd socks as a demonstration of individuality and uniqueness. This is a subject near to my heart because, as you may know, my father was a bully and I  was effected by his dysfunctional personality.

As a young child my father taught me to be a victim and that meant I was ideal material for the bullies at both infant and primary schools. By the time I got to the age of eleven I had, had enough. I began to fight back with my father, a strategy that led to me leaving home at the age of fifteen. From a school point of view I made the decision that when I entered secondary school I would no longer be bullied. 

On my first day at secondary school a boy took my school cap and ran off. He was a couple of years older than me but I thought it is now or never. When I finally caught up with him I hit him so hard across the head with my brief case that he needed to go to hospital to be stitched. I received three strokes of the cane from the deputy head which turned out to be no bad thing because no one ever bullied me again, though I did have to square up to a few people to show my point.

Throughout my working life in occupational health departments I have had to deal with bullies and the results of bullying. As you can imagine I get highly energised by such cases. Sadly, my experience is that from the Thatcherian era onwards bullying in the workplace has increased and in many organisations bullying by managers and colleagues can be common place, despite organisational bullying policies. Also those people that deal with the public directly will be aware that abuse and bullying by members of the public also seems to be on the increase.

Often bullying behaviour is learned by the bully in childhood. A learned bully can change their behaviour and often will do once they get beyond the playground. Change, after all, only takes time and willingness. However, the bullies that we have to be careful of are those that are on the psychopathic spectrum! A psychopath is someone who lacks both empathy and insight and therefore does not have any conscience or inhibition.

However, in general we, the majority, are only bullied with our permission. The population of the Philippines decided to remove their leaders, the dictators Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos, who ran the country through martial law. The entire population took to the streets and peacefully asked them to leave. It took some time and despite the army and police force, in the end, that had to leave. In the UK we have the example of the population refusing to pay Thatcher’s poll tax. So many people stood up against this new law that parliament had to repeal the act. Currently we can see the people of Hong Kong attempting to stand up against the bully, in this case mainland China.

In many ways we get the politicians, leaders, bosses, and so on, that we choose to put up with. In the end it comes down to the fact that you can’t be bullied without your permission. It may not feel like that when you are feeling like a victim. But that is why we have police, unions, human resources and even occupational health services. 

Perhaps this is something that we should think about very carefully as we move into another general election and potential Brexit. 

Whatever does happen bullying should never be tolerated whether it is in the home, school, workplace or parliament. We all need to up stand up to bullies.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

TSHP335: How to improve your memory

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What’s Coming This Episode?

What is memory? Our body remembers to breathe every few seconds. Animals remember where to return to each year for food or water. We remember things from our early childhood, but struggle to recall where we were a week ago without checking our diaries. Can it be improved, or are certain events lost forever?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

  • Sean says READ A BOOK (every day) – (not a whole book each day, but just read each day, OK?)
  • Ed can’t wait for the Switch version of Dr. Kawashima’s Brain Training

Stay in Touch

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Leave us an Honest Review on iTunes

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Memory

What is memory for?

All sentient beings remember. Its primary function is that of safety. Memory tells us what is safe and what is a threat. When we are able to remember we are able to survive in safety. When our life goes wrong we can forget what is safe for us. It is then that we are in danger. We know that too much sugar is bad for us but when we go to the cake shop we forget this and we buy them any way. We know when things, people, or situations are bad for us but we conveniently forget it. This is also what happens with a hero in a dangerous situation. The hero runs towards the danger to save other people. Those that remember about danger are running away from it to save themselves.

Over time we lose memory 

In general psychologically we remember things because we are emotionally connected to events, people, things or situations. This means that the connection is relevant or important to us. When things or people cease to be relevant we forget who or what they are. This may seem difficult for the person who we forget, it may seem that they are now not important to us. Often the reason that we forget is overload and we have so much to remember that we forget who people are. 

Do you easily remember people’s names? I have an issue in the NHS. I have covered over 10,000 staff at any one time. They all know my name, there is only one of me, ‘hi Sean’. I look at them and `I can know the face and I can know their life story but their name escapes me. Praise the Lord for the identity badge.

However, sometimes when we lose memory it is because we have structural decay. This can be due to age, life style, illness or trauma. The white matter in the brain is the tissue that connects the grey matter, which is the hardware of the brain. Issues of dementia are when the structure of the brain is breaking down.

How far back can you remember?

What is your first memory? how old were you? Our earliest cognitive memories normally go back to around age 2 to 3 years old. Most of us can remember these early years. Prior to that age our memory is not cognitive it is emotional. We may not be able to remember what happened to us in a logical or visual sense but we can remember what it felt like at that time. This includes anxiety, anger, fear, happiness, security and so on. These memories create the foundation of our emotions and feelings later in life and our ability to attach and detach in our relationships. 

Often when we feel generally anxious, or angry, sad or happy and we say that is just the way that we are. Well it is not. It is simply what we learned to be when we were little, maybe in even this early phase before we could cognitively remember.

As we get older, once the cognitive mind gets going, it get organised. The structural memory of the cognitive mind is like an attic, that is full of boxes of memories. It is a repository of information. Just like a regular attic some people’s are neat and tidy others look like a junk pile. It is just like this inside of our minds.

When people start to cognitively decay the boxes in the attic can get turned over. There is confusion and the contents of the boxes can become mixed up. People may actually say things like “a leopard can’t change its stripes can it?”, or they start to call you the name of your mother, or some unknown person, this is confusion. 

Also some memories can get lost, they are in a box hidden at the back of the attic. This can be lost in the memory system or in some cases become false memory syndrome. Often we do not know whether what we are remembering is real or not, or was it a story that someone told us?.

Therapy and memory

Some therapies are good at releasing trapped or lost memories. Analytical hypnotherapy is the therapy that intervenes in memory most effectively. Aversive hypnotherapy is described as suggestive. What that means the therapy is putting something into a memory box in our attic. For example, if someone smokes cigarettes then perhaps we can include the memory of sweaty socks or burning tyres into the memory box, so that every time they put a cigarette in their mouth they experience that horrible taste in their mouth they are averted from smoking.

Analytical therapy is about taking stuff out of the memory boxes. If people have inappropriate associations. perhaps rice pudding has been included in their sex box. This means that there needs to be rice pudding involved for them to become eroticised, then the therapy is about taking the rice pudding out of the memory box. 

Unwanted memories happen as intrusive thoughts or flashbacks that can become problematical. Such emotional memories happen after trauma, post traumatic stress and if not resolved post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. In this case memory is visual and emotional. Therapy involves desensitisation or rewinding of the problematic memory.

Advertising and propaganda are about aversive and suggestive memory. They seek to change the memories of the population. Just now we are in the throws of an election that involves politicians attempting to get us to relive past memories, this is either nostalgia or fear. Or create future memories of their descriptions of a utopian future. This is hope, expectation and belief.

Ageing

In older age most people feel the loss of their memory to some extent. When people become demented this can become extreme. However even in dementia people do not lose their memory, we never lose our memory. What we lose is our a utility to recall. For many years I worked in an elderly mentally ill unit. Some of the patients were living in demented spaces for many years, unable to recall who they were, where they were or who anybody else was. To all intense and purpose their memory had been completely destroyed. Yet, in virtually every case, before each patient died they became fully aware of who the were, where they were and they knew all those around them. This could have been for a few days or a few hours before their end. This suggested to me that for each of these people their memory was completely intact. The problem that they had was their inability to recall anything.

We now know with neuropsychology and the neuroplasticity that you can maintain a good memory and a good brain if you look after it and if you service it well. It is the classic if you don’t use it you lose it. We need to exercise our brain through mental activity, tasks and things like reading or better still life long learning – ‘never, never, never, give up’.

The last point is that we are each able to create our future memories. Thoughts become things. When we wake everyday we decide how the day will be. We are creating it in advance. This is forward memory. If we decide that the day will be bad then we are right and it will be. Equally if we decide that the day will be wonderful we are also right. In creating forward memory “thoughts become things”. We have a choice.

You can decide if your life will be good or if your life will be bad and then do the things that let you play that out. 

Take care be happy and think positively about the day ahead…Thoughts become things!

Sean x