TSHP469: Power, Win, Lose

What’s Coming This Episode?

All around us people enact their power in order to win. It might be that we are at a crowded bar trying to get a drink so that we and a whole group of other people are trying to gain the attention of the bartender to get their order met. Who gets to the til first, gets on the bus first?

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Power, Win, Lose

All around us people enact their power in order to win. It might be that we are at a crowded bar trying to get a drink so that we and a whole group of other people are trying to gain the attention of the bartender to get their order met. Who gets to the til first, gets on the bus first? The general winning in our society is when people play out the very basic human need to survive which I see as the enactment of ‘I, me, my, now, I must have.’ It is the ultimate selfishness which goes 100% against my mantra of 

‘if we all look after each other we will all be okay’.

Ed was referring to a player at Wimbledon this year who was using bullying power tactics to win in being difficult with his opponent and the umpire. The crowd got angry with him that seemed to give him more energy to get even more empowered. He had got a response. A lot of the use of power between is to create a response that will lead to someone winning. Sadly I see it in relationships a lot. One person exercises power over the other in what becomes domination. It might be physical, sexual, financial, social and so on. It also happens in the workplace in both the public and the private sectors where people will exercise their power to get up the greasy pole of promotion and increased salary. And, of course, we see it in politics where power is often…

‘it is not what you know it is who you know’

The need to win and the exercise of power is everywhere. When I was travelling in the hippy days traveller would gather together in evening camps each had been to different ashrams and attended the courses of particular teachers or gurus. Even in that setting the need to win came to the fore in the form of…

…’my guru is better that your guru’…

I love it when there is a race, maybe a marathon, and someone collapses before they cross the finish line and the other runners stop help them up and help them across the line so that they too can finish all together. This is not power, win or lose, it is that when we look after each other. It is then that we are all winners.

Sadly our leaders and politicians do not promote the cooperation between people they support conflict, argument and domination. When we look at the trolls on social media we see the same domination, power and the attempt to win over another person. 

The way that his changes is when we begin to see other people as ourself and treat others as we would like to be treated. Then when we win we all win and their are no losers. This may sound idealistic but it is the world of spiritual and social equality. 

When we look after each other we are all winners and their are no losers

Take care. 

Sean x

TSHP468: Is It Better To Be Polite Or Honest?

What’s Coming This Episode?

Is it better to be polite and to say what you know, or think you know the other person wants to hear. Or to be honest and say what you actually think or feel?

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Is It Better To Be Polite Or Honest?

Have you ever heard those words? ‘To be honest….’ Normally they are the precursor to someone saying something bad about something or someone. It could be about you…

‘To be honest (usually a pause) your bum looks huge in that dress’

It could be about how you present yourself…

‘To be honest you were rubbish…’

The phrase ‘to be honest’ is our way of trying, politely, to tell somebody something that we think that they ought to know. It could be that our motive is built good intention. That is because we know that what we about to say may offend or even hurt the other person.

Is it better to be polite and to say what you know, or think you know the other person wants to hear. Or to be honest and say what you actually think or feel?

‘Wow, that dress really shows your bum off. It looks very round in that dress’

To be honest (just used that phrase) I think that in many ways we have all become politically too correct. Often the words that come out of our mouths do not reflect what is going in our head.

I am a big fan of kindness. To be kind to others makes for a happier world. There are times when being polite is not kind. If your bum does look awful in that dress you might actually need to know it so that you can do something about it to make your situation better. But how will you ever know if no one has the honesty to tell you how it is? Politeness can equal dishonesty.

It’s not what you say it is the way that you say it

A diplomat is someone who can address difficult issues honestly without offending he person they are talking to.

It is actually possible to be diplomatic, honest and kind.

Honest feedback is an art form. Most of my life I have run self development courses. They all include feedback sessions from the other group members. ‘The way I experience you is….’ That might feel a it scary is twenty people tell you how they experience you to be. In reality the feedback is a gift.
I am biased about myself, we all are. Life experiences have created my self image. My self image maybe positive or negative. Honest, kind feedback from others challenges my own stereotype and enables me to grow as a person either by accepting things that I deny or developing things that I need.

On the courses I joke that ‘I see myself as six foot bronzed and muscular’. Most people laugh because I am actually five foot six, small and skinny. So then we reach the decision point. Do we act politely and go along with my delusion and all act like I am a hunk. Or does someone explain to me that I am not actually like that and I ten have to face up to something?

When we see politeness and honesty as feedback it is a useful tool for self development. We can then learn. As long as the feedback is done with kindness it is of great help to us. And that is the point.

Politeness is of no use if it is not honest
Honesty is of no use if it is not polite
The thing that puts power into both politeness and honesty is kindness

You could say that honesty with kindness is true politeness.

Take care

Sean x