TSHP234: How we let go of our children

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What’s Coming This Episode?

We can spend a huge chunk of our lives as parents. So what happens when our daily attention isn’t needed anymore? When the fly the nest, to work or university? Attachment theory, grief and finding a new purpose covered in this one…

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Saying Goodbye to our Kids

A listener messaged in asking Ed and I to talk about how to cope with the effects of children leaving the home and in this case going off to university.

You spend years developing your family. Your kids have good bits and bad bits. There are times when you could happily strangle them all and times when you love their bones. Then when you have learned to live with the madness that is called family hey, they go and leave home. The fact that they have been leaving their junk all around the house, just like a tree wedding leaves in autumn, means nothing, you just want them back. The bird has flown and the nest is empty. Suddenly your role has changed, or maybe even come to an end. This is the time when the answer to the question ‘who are you?’ suddenly changes.

The rites of passage
The sense of the changing role of self happens to us all, though it is more so for women. When a woman marries she changes her name and as she normally takes on the part of head of the house, often without the man even realising it, she has changed her role. Then the first child comes along and another set of changes begin and each time the answer to that question ‘who am I?’ changes. As the last child is born, as the last child goes to school, as the last child leaves school, as the last child moves on to university, as the last child leaves home. Each stage presents us with a different sense of who we are. For full-time mums the impact of these changes are much greater.

We live in an odd world. As primates we would be living in extended family groups. When change happened there would have been a natural stress management from the various relatives supporting each other. Even when your children had grown up there would be new young ones coming through. In our odd little nuclear units of mum, dad and the kids aloneness and isolation can become common place as evidenced in the general rise of depression, stress and anxiety in western society.

Some of our stress comes from the fact that we do not really understand how to act in this new family situation. There is a confusing shift in the roles that we now play. When you have been a full on parent and your child goes off to uni. What contact do we now have with our distanced child? Questions arise..

Who contacts who?
How often do I phone, text, skype?
Do I wait for them to contact me?
Do I offer the money, resources or wait until I am asked?
What do I do with their room?
Do I keep it as a shrine, redecorate it, let other people stay in it….?

What about the family dynamic?
One child moving out can upset the dynamic of the entire family. In some case this can create feelings of bereavement and loss. Some families will even go though a period of mourning. Siblings may become withdrawn or upset. It may effect their performance at school. I am not being dramatic I am simply stating that changes effect us all.

Often both parent and child do not fully comprehend the importance of the family unit until it is no longer there. ‘We don’t know what we’ve got ‘til its gone’.

But hold on, we always knew that this would happen, that this day would come it was just that we have chosen to ignore it. Maybe pretend that it will never happen. The awake mindful parent is preparing their self, the family and the child for their departure. Talking obviously helps but it is the practical issues and skills that effect a child most. These might include…

Using money
Knowing how to budget and pay bills
Making a shopping list
Basic cookery skills
How to use a washing machine
The art of ironing

The rules of engagement
Agreeing all the rules of contact and money and doing their washing should all have been discussed prior to the event. As long as they know that they can get you when they need to they will be okay. So what about you?

So who are you now?
If you have been a full on parent the chances are that you have lost the sense of who you are, what your own real needs are and what it is that you want to do with your life now.

Many couples caught up in the rush and business of raising a family lose contact with each other. Often in the silence of the empty nest two people stare across the void at each other thinking ‘Who are you?’ For it will have been along time since they really had ‘us’ time and for many this is the chance to get back in touch. Talking, sharing and date nights can help. The question ‘who am I’ extends to ‘who are we’ and ‘where are we going from here?’

I guess that over all empty nest syndrome just like bereavement is not an illness it is a process and the better prepared for it the better we process it when the time comes.
My resource for the podcast was to a look at John Bowlby’s attachment theory. Our ability to deal with endings is dependent on what happened to us when we were young and how we learned to attach and detach in our relationships. What we learned as children is played out in adulthood. The good news is that even if you do not like your current attachment styles you can re learn and re frame them so that they serve you better.

The biggest gift that we can give our children is independence and confidence and to do that we have to learn to let go and allow them to live and make mistakes.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

TSHP233: How Can We Bring a Nation Together After Brexit?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Politics can be divisive. The last 18 months or so, in the UK and US in particular, has highlighted this quite starkly. Sean reckons Brexit can be overturned. Ed is hopeful that it can but worries about whether that would lead to even more division. What do we do? Who’s in charge??! Apologies in advance if we offend 52% of our audience in this one…

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Can We Exit Brexit?

Could this be the time to Exit Brexit??

Well, I was beginning to feel that Ed and I were just bonkers with our ‘Remainer’ ideals and then to my great surprise this week a group of German business leaders have suggested, very sanely, that the EU should make some simple concessions that would appease the British xenophobes, that voted for Brexit therefore allowing Britain to remain. They said, “Exit Brexit”.

In the Telegraph an article by Justin Huggler, 21 Nov 2017, happily announced that …

…A group of German business leaders and politicians has called for the European Union to persuade Britain to reverse Brexit by offering a comprehensive deal on immigration and free movement.

Under the slogan “Exit from Brexit: a new deal for Britain and the EU”, the group of seven influential figures warned that Germany must do more to prevent losing “its most valuable partner within the EU.

Basically, we want the EU to offer the deal David Cameron was looking for before the referendum,” Hans-Olaf Henkel, a senior German MEP and one of the leaders of the initiative said.
“We want to offer Britain the right to stop people who have no jobs entering the country and entering its social welfare system

Reading this made me whoop, “yes, could this be a solution?” I really do hope that it could be.

I am not a politician and I am not an accountant, I am a lowly old psychotherapist who, after many years in the consulting room, various boardrooms and many hundred meetings know a bit or two about people and their needs. I am not and have never been, ashamed to admit that I am a full blooded Remainer, I am a european.

For me it is simple. Human beings will only survive if we learn to work and live together without division while at the same time loving and celebrating our diversity. The division of prejudice, xenophobia, racism, and every other ism you can think of only create strife, conflict, war and death, often to the innocent. The last two world wars are living proof of what happens when a continent fragments. Potentially this is what is happening again with the potential break up of Europe with Brexit, Nexit, Dexit and so on. All we need is for the Euro currency to collapse and we will be right back where we started in the early 1900’s before the First World War.

I am not naive and although the German business leaders in question were probably driven by their own needs of commerce and could therefore be considered selfish I think that selfishness could actually serve us well. It goes something like this. The sense of self is what we would identify as our ego or what we would describe as me. So that being selfish could be described as being me-ish.
We all have a concept of self or me. Just so that I am clear I am defining ‘me’ as my ego and the way that I see me and my ‘personality’ as the way that you see me. They may not always match. My ego is like a bubble and in this bubble I will include all that I see as mine or myself. Normally this would include my body, clothes, other possessions, house, car and so on. It may also include people. Those inside my ego bubble I will call ‘us’. It might be my partner, kids, family, friends. When something is inside my ego bubble I will always identify it as me. So if some threatens my family or friends they are also threatening me and I will react as if were a direct threat to me. Whatever is inside my ego bubble will get my protect and support, I will defend it and fight for it.

Some people have a very large ego bubble. Mother Theresa of Calcutta identifies all the poor of Calcutta as her self and treated them and respected then as though they were herself. They we all within her ego bubble.

Our ego bubble or sense of ‘us’ could be family, village, town, county, country and so on. It might just be as big as all of Europe and in the extreme could include all of humanity in the entire world. Remember that whatever I include inside my ego bubble will be treated as myself.

When a country closes it’s boarders to those that are not seen as ‘us’ but are separated as ‘them’ we have the basic fragmentation of humanity. We see in all walks of life from football clubs to political parties and religions to genders and ethnicities to orientations. The segregation of ‘us’ and ‘them’ is the death knell of the human race.

The strangest thing is that there is enough space, food, water, products, love, and so on for everyone. All we need to do is to learn share and not hoard, to give and not take and to give while expecting nothing in return.

When the whole of humanity is myself, when we are all ‘us’ and there is no ‘them’ we have a chance of survival. Fragmentation leads to destruction and total fragmentation leads to total destruction.

One important fact is that in being ‘one’ all aspects need to have a voice, all need to be heard. The voices of Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and England need to be equal. Just as all the country states of the European community need to be heard.

I am not saying that the EU had it right, it is a work in progress and leaving it if not progress it is the fragmentation that leads to future strife. The EU needs to change. The role of Remainers is to change it from with inside it, it cannot be changed from the outside.

So, I want to that the German business leaders for their timely intervention. I really do hope that people listen and I do hope that we Exit Brexit and remain a part of Europe.

Thank about your ego bubble. Who and what do you include as yourself?

Take care and be happy

Sean x

TSHP232: How do we remember our loved ones when they die?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

A listener sent us an email recently which described a beautiful process he and his wife had gone through to properly see off two older family members. It was a wonderful tribute and it got us to thinking about how we remember our loved ones once they pass on and the deeper issue of our relationship with death in general.

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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How do we celebrate death?

A listener emailed asking for a podcast on why do we have funerals? He told a story how both his wife’s Mum and Dad died last year and they wanted their ashes scattered on a particular beach on their wedding anniversary.

“We scattered their ashes together in a trench we dug in the sand as the tide came in. We wrote their initials by the trench and then drank a toast to them as the waves washed it all away. It was more moving than I was expecting and very apt. In a moment the initials, the trench and their ashes were all gone – with one wave. Just like everything we have built in our lives, and our lives themselves, end in an instant, never to be seen again.”

Our listener was very moved by his experience and was left with the question ‘Why do we have funerals?’ Who are we doing it for? Is it for the person who has died or is it for us?

I would say that although a funeral may represent the wishes of the person who has died and as they are the only person who will not be at the ceremony, I think that funerals are about the needs of the living.

In acknowledging that I intend to buy my own funeral but on the basis that my family can adapt and change whatever they want to meet their needs. My own needs will already have been met, in fact are already met, and in all honesty once I have finished with my body I do not really mind what happens to it. Be it donated to science, buried or burnt, it will be recycled once I am done with it, the only people that my remains will effect is my family. I think it would be supremely unfair of me to tell them what their needs are.

So, if I am right and the funeral is really for the living then why do we do what we do? In most societies the ritual of funeral is dictated by what we believe happens after death. For both humanists and atheists the religiosity is not there and the event can be treated materialistically. In these ceremonies I find there is more grieving than in those that believe that life continues after death.

Once religiosity is in the ceremony there are often issues of ‘the after life’ and that can lead to issues of judgement. Was the person a good person or a bad person? Are they heading for the pearly gates or the fiery furnace? And, when the belief is in re-incarnation there can be the celebration of life, or lives, to come.

Where do we come from and where are we going to?
This question seems to dominate our funeral attitudes. It seems strange to me that the first part of this question, where do we come from, does not hold fear and distress. When a child is born we all clap and smile but we don’t question if there was a pre-life. The second part of the question does for many create fear and apprehension and we do have a concern as to where we are going and we do then question is there an after life.

So what do we do with our dead bodies?
Some believe that cremation (ashes to ashes) is the appropriate way to dispose of a body while other believe that the body should remain intact and be allowed to decay naturally into the ground (dust to dust).

Cultures that worship the ancestors may collect bones and keep all the bones of many generations in the same building or cave that becomes a focal point of spiritual observance. To obtain the bones some cultures would put the dead, respectfully, on the rocks allowing the birds to pick them clean. While other cultures seek to preserve the body for the after life through mummification.

Whatever happens to the body, and I may be wrong here, it does not effect the person who once inhabited it. So, what we do with the remains is for the benefit of those that are alive not the dead.

My resource of the week is a death file. I have seen so many situations where the necessary information was never shared before someone’s death so that after the event people were hunting for the necessary information. I will ensure that my family have all that ready for them, including a paid for funeral which, as I said they can adapt to fit their needs. I would suggest that, whatever age you are now, you consider doing the same. None of us know the time of our ending just as none of us know where we are going.

Take care, be happy and live whatever life remains for you with a smile

Sean x

TSHP231: Day Job to Dream Job

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What’s Coming This Episode?

A listener of ours emailed in asking for a bit of help. He is wanting to make the step from his day job to his dream job. Don’t we all? But should we take the leap? Sean and Ed take this one on from all angles…

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Dream job

We had an email this week asking about making the transition from the day job to the dream job. What would be your dream job? If you could do whatever job you wanted what would it be?

Ed, Rie and I all feel like we are doing our dream jobs. We all love what we do and really enjoy the process of being alive. I always say that if you can wake up with a smile on your face and go to bed with a smile on your face then you have cracked it, you have got your life right.

The thing is that most of us do what we do because we feel that we have little or no choice. At school most people are pushed to go in a certain way that the education system believe they will be good at. Or maybe it is security. When I was a kid I was told that if you worked in a bank, or for the police, in health or as a teacher you will have a job for life. Well, that might not be so true these days but back then people grabbed the job that was seen as safe and secure and hung onto it until retirement. That was true even if they hated the job.

I have worked with so many people who not only hate their work life but don’t like their home life that much either. We can becomes trapped by those wonderful British attitudes…

‘Better the devil you know’
‘A Leopard can’t change it’s spots’
‘Old dogs can’t learn new tricks’
‘Don’t throw away dirty water until you have clean’
‘Won’t be long it will be Friday’
‘It could be worse’
‘Why change, no one cares anyway’
‘The grass isn’t always greener’

This list goes on and on ………..

It is surprising how many people are not happy with their lives.

I believe that we can all find a way of living that works for us. And, if we are prepared to work at it we can find our dream life and our dream job.

For me it was the decision that whatever I would do with me life I would only do it if it made me happy. When I was honest with myself the two things that made me really happy was working with people and playing music and since the beginning the 1980s that is exactly what I have done.

I couldn’t say that I have a dream job because I don’t feel like I go to work. I simply wake up with a smile on my face and get on with my life and I love it. The pleasure of working with people and watching them flower and discover who they really are is a joy beyond words. That is even true of those that are the slow burners and take a very long time to change.

We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled. First off you have to decide what would make you feel happy and fulfilled. Second you need to gather the resources around you that you need to enable the change to take place. Third you need the courage to dare your self to be different. As they say, ‘who dares wins’.

Be happy and live your dream

Take care

Sean x

Where do you get your confidence from?

Imagine there is a party or a gathering of some sort. One person is sat in the corner quietly talking with everyone, greeting people and asking them how they are. Into the scene steps a second person. They come through door dressed flamboyantly, their greeting loud and they automatically demand and get everyone’s attention. Which of these two people is the most confident?

Now. In most cases we might assume that the confident person is loud and flamboyant and yet in most cases the one who needs and/or demands attention is usually the one with the least confidence. They are looking to other people to validate them and tell them that they are ok. The person who sits quietly connecting with people in a none demanding way is the one with the confidence. They do not need other people to reinforce their value or worth because they know themselves quite well.

Often the world is the opposite way to what it seems. People that make the most noise and seek recognition are usually those with the least confidence, while those that do not need the validation of others are usually the most confident. Actors, musicians, and politicians all stand in front of thousand of people needing their approval.

A good example is Donald Trump who lacks the confidence to accept negative feedback or criticism though he can appear to demonstrate confidence with the tweets that he pours out. Yet, his behaviour is that of someone who has little confidence and little self esteem. He can bully and shout and get angry, none of which are qualities of confidence, they are all qualities of emotional and personal weakness.

When this weak position of Trump is set against an equally unconfident leader in North Korea who seems to believe that the game of ‘my rocket is bigger than yours’ is a serious form of communication, we are right back in the school yard with a couple of unconfident kids trying to get attention. Scary stuff.

As I write this the latest news flash is that North Korea has just suffered a terrible nuclear incident. It would appear that at least two hundred people are dead and that a cloud of nuclear fallout, similar to that which followed the Chernobyl accident, is about to be dropped on the world. While it might become true that had the North Koreans not been playing chicken with their nuclear weapons this would never have happened, the confident response would be one of concern, help and compassion. The unconfident response will be to act like they are all getting what they deserve. I am watching for Donald Trumps response to the accident with interest.

In my own world of psychology and self development, through mindfulness, meditation, yoga, Tai Chi and so on, I have seen many, many teachers lose their self confidence to simply be a teacher and become a guru. Again, those that take on the mantle of Guru are those with the least confidence. The confident teachers, and thankfully there are many thousands of them, do not need fame or fortune to support, help and enable others. They simply just do it.

When I walk into a room I don’t want to be ignored but I don’t want to be flattered. I am happy to just be me.

Where are you? Are you happy and confident with who you are or do you need other people to reassure and tell you that you are okay? Do you seek the approval of others or do you have the confidence that goes with self esteem and self worth?

Plato said ‘Know they self’ and these words appeared above the temple to the God Apollo in Delphi. Aristotle said that to know yourself was the first stage of wisdom. Mindfulness is the best way that I know that you can follow to get to know yourself. Strangely in the process of getting to know yourself you also get to know others.

Be mindful, be happy and have the confidence to go to the bathroom mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say ‘who loves you baby’. To do that just for you, with no audience is a huge confidence boost.

Take care

Sean x

TSHP230: How can we build confidence?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

How confident are you? Careful, there’s a danger if you think you’re really confident that you’re really not. Sean and Ed spent 30 minutes or so discussing where it comes from and how we can strike the right balance…

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

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