TSHP364: Truth & Authenticity

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Truth is a tricky thing to explain. A dictionary can explain it in a few words but, as ever, reality is quite different. The truth is in the news a bit this week, so Sean and Ed dive in to see what they can discover…

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Living Your Truth

Whats is the truth?

I like gravity because it shares an absolute truth of being an invisible force pulling matter together. The force that causes a ball you throw in the air to come down again, that holds the gases in the sun, that keeps you walking on Earth instead of floating away into space. The law of gravity does not compromise it effects us all equally. Unless… and this is the issue… you have wings, a parachute, ballon or a propeller. Even the truth of gravity can be subverted,

The psychological phenomenon of ‘attitude alignment’, happens below our awareness, as we take on the prevailing attitudes of whichever group we are with. These attitudes are the groups truth. The group my be familial, political, educational, religious and so on. Once we align with a group we embody the truths that are commonly held by the group and we allow those truths to become our truths.

Religious groups each believe that they are right. Their truth is thetruth and those that do not believe ‘the’ truth are outside of the group as infidels or heathens. In financial systems both the capitalists and the communists believe that they are living thetruth. In political systems conservatives, socialists and democrats all believe that they are living thetruth.

I work a lot with couples. At the outset I see each of them individually so that I can understand how they see the situation and what is ‘their’ truth. It comes pretty clear from the outset that both people are viewing the same situation from different points of view. In most cases both parties are true but that are partial. In general what any of us see as thetruth is partial to our own experiences, expectations and beliefs. The collective truth that is shared by a group or even an entire country is always changing or evolving.

Looking back at social history we can see that behaviours and practices that were acceptable a few hundred years ago are now considered difficult, wrong or unacceptable. Bear bating and slavery would be unthinkable in our society now. After all it was only in the 1960’s that women in Britain ceased to be the property or chattels of their husbands or fathers. In many countries women still suffer inequality with their men folk. I suspect that many women in Britain would, even now, feel that they do not have full equality. Is the truth that all women should have the same rights as men? Or is that just the way that I see it?

As human consciousness evolves I hope people’s behaviour will gradually develop to be less damaging and more helpful to itself and to all other beings and even the environment and the planet as a whole. The truth, as I see it, is that if we do not change the way that we are treating the planet we will make ourselves extinct.

One universal truth, as I see it, is that with greater awareness we can learn to attend to the needs of each other and… 

…if we all look after each other we will all be ok

Everybody wants us to believe their truth. When someone arrives at work feeling really cheesed off but insists that all is fine they are avoiding their own truth and being inauthentic. Truth, authenticity and honesty all run together. Sometimes dishonest can be fun if you see it for what it is.

When I go to replace my car I love that process of the salesperson doing whatever they can to secure the sale. It is seduction in action. There is nothing wrong with being seduced in this way as long as we are mindful of what is going on and that we are seduced with both our knowledge and consent.

So, through out this covid 19 period enjoy the seduction that you will be subject to by friends, family, the media, politicians and so on. Be mindful of what is happening and simply ask your self ‘Why are they saying that, what do the really mean, what is the true sound behind their words?’ After all what is their truth, what is my truth, what is your truth? Are we all right or does the truth not really exist?

Being honest and authentic with yourself is to be with your own truth. To live your truth is a good thing as long as it is not hurtful or harmful to others.

Take care, stay safe and be happy

Sean x

TSHP363: Mental Health Awareness Week

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What’s Coming This Episode?

It’s a mad old world right now but there’s still room for kindness. There’s ALWAYS room for kindness. It’s mental health week in the UK and the focus is on just that, so let’s have a chat…

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Mental Health Week and Kindness

This week is International Mental Health week. The subject that the week is focussing on this year is kindness. It seems so appropriate at this time of Covid 19 and lockdown when fuses are getting short and intolerance is on the rise, as the frustration grows. Then if we add in the anxiety and fear of getting C10, of what will happen next after the lockdown and if the world will ever be the same. 

In my consulting room I am picking all these things up at the moment and also the issues of death and the fear of death. Some current deaths are from the virus, some are because of the virus and some are unrelated to the virus. In each and every case the socially distanced funeral services can never be the same as before and there is no opportunity of a send off or wake. Instead people are agreeing to have a full farewell party once this lockdown is completed. I expect I shall be attending a few.

When it comes to kindness I am reminded of my very first training that was in Ayurvedic psychology. One aspect of that training was in what we would now call mindfulness and involved paying attention to the present generally and also the practise of meditation. There was a strong emphasis on the need for positive feelings towards both yourself and other people. The importance and need for loving kindness between all beings in creation is known as Mettā in Pali the language of Buddhism or Maitrī in Sanskrit the language of Ayurveda. 

Metta is something that we would always include at the end of any meditation practise, though it can used as a full meditation of loving kindness. In Metta we are expressing caring and empathy for all sentient, feeling, beings in the universe. That includes all those that you know, those that you don’t know and every living thing on the planet. Traditionally this begins with yourself, which is so important as a reinforcement of self value and self esteem. The loving kindness to yourself spreads from your heart like ripples from a pond in ever increasing circles to encompass all of creation. Some people live in Metta all the time and have a deep level of gratitude and love for all that is around them. 

When we think of kindness we might use the word compassion. Compassion means with feeling or with empathy. All sentient beings can feel good or feel bad, and that most of them, given the choice, will probably choose the former over the latter. Such contact with feeling implies that there can be suffering. All living beings can feel sadness and happiness. This is the point in my training where I became a vegetarian. The bottom line is that other animals do not have to suffer and die in order for me to live. 

In Metta, in loving kindness, we can feel the connection with all living things, sharing a common aspiration to find our fulfilment and escape our suffering. In this we are all one. If we realise that…

…if we all look after each other we will all be okay…

we can create heaven on Earth right now, but only if we want to.

The empathy of loving kindness involves the willingness to see the world from another’s point of view. When we are awake and aware we can learn from the experience of others. When we are asleep, and lack empathy for ourself and for others, we have to suffer in order for us to wake up and learn. 

Some of us will grow through awareness – 

most of us will grow through pain.

Someone once said something like ‘I may disagree with you but I will defend to my death your right to hold that opinion’. This is what I call the law of allowing. It is having enough loving kindness to allow an other to grow though their mistakes without the need to be critical or judgemental. I often see this as, just because some people are mad I don’t have to join in, I can allow them to be what they need to be at this time. 

Loving kindness is also Karmic. A Karma is often seen as the negative punishment of action. Karma is really the concept that all behaviour is consequential. There will be an outcome of all that I do good or bad it is just the consequence.  When we look after others the chances are that they will look after us and wish us well. Creating the positive and peaceful family of all of creation.

Looking after others with loving kindness involves consideration and generosity. Charity is when we offer our friendliness and support to others. This does not simply mean the giving of money, though it may include supporting others. The greatest charity that we can ever offer is loving kindness, It is when we can maintain an attitude of friendliness that meets another person’s suffering and transforms into our compassion for them. It creates an empathic joyfulness that transcends gender, race, ethnicity, orientation, nationality, species… 

…in the end we all are one.

One thing that neuropsychology teaches us is that to do good things for others makes us feel good at the same time. When we enact loving kindness we are creating our own emotional fulfilment and at the same time the fulfilment of the emotional development of every being. It is a win win situation.

To wish another well is to wish yourself well

Loving kindness is the real answer to almost every problem the world faces today. We know that politics will not do it. We know that money will not do it. We know that science will not do it and we know the technology and the social media that we hold in our hand will not do it. We do know that loving kindness will. 

Politics, news and the media go out of their way to reinforce the differences between us all, and exacerbate strife and problems. The positive news that is going on all the time, but is outside of the regular news media, is Metta. It is this loving kindness that is all around us. We share this planet together not just us human beings but all animals, all of creation, and we can choose how we look after each other. Do we go for Metta or go for self interest?

If you like to investigate Metta have a go at the meditation of loving kindness on the Palouse site and enjoy the other great links, knowledge and facilities offered there.

Here is a link to a full Metta loving kindness meditation…    

 

Lockdown will end. In the post lockdown world we will need Metta more than ever to support each other, right across the world, as we create whatever the new normal will look like. Let us ensure that it includes loving kindness.

Take care, be happy, I send my Metta to you. Who will you send yours to?

Sean x

TSHP362: Alison Blackler – Writing Your Story

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Our lives lead us all down different paths. We all have different stories. Alison Blackler, author of A Path Travelled, has a story worth telling. The book is packed full of lessons we can all take with us, so we invited her on to talk about her path and how the book and her work can help you to make sense of your life.

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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A Path Travelled

This week on the podcast we had another guest, Alison Blackier a Transformational Mind Coach and founder of 2-minds who has just published her first book ‘A Path Travelled’ She has a very varied practice that spans from one to one coaching, corporate management coaching and working with offenders in prisons plus writing articles for the local press.

Her book is written from her own experience of life and her experience of working with her many clients. A Path Travelled gives the reader an opportunity to review, question and adjust their life experience, through insights and exercises so that they can move towards their own fulfilment.

In every life, each person is on their own path. It is the path of life that goes from birth to death. The nature of the path, the route, and the terrain is, in many ways dictated and created by us the individual traveller. Most people never realise this and often remain on the path that they inherited from their parents, class, nationality, ethnicity, orientation and so on. Much unhappiness in the world is the result of individuals trying to stay on paths that they do not really belong on. They may never realise or understand why they are unhappy. The current epidemic of anxiety and depression that swamps humanity is often the result of people attempting to live lives and stay on paths that are not good for them.

When people say things like ‘life is a bitch and then you die’ they describe exactly people being on the wrong path. The positive alternative might be ‘life is a joy and eventually and naturally you come to the joyful end of your path’. This can only happen when you are on the right path for you.

Throughout time there have been guides that we meet on our path that attempt to show us, the travellers, which way to go.  To suggests ways in which we might improve or develop our path. When we get it right we can follow a path, live a life, that is self fulfilling that makes us happy. Informally these guides have been the wise ones, who had insight and empathy, knowledge and wisdom. They were the shaman, guru, religious leader, scientists, philosophers, psychotherapists, coaches and so on.

A guide is anyone who can see a bit further up the path than we can. Someone who can explain the likely consequence of our actions as individuals, as a society or as a race. Good guides and teacher encourage us to face up to problems and dilemmas. They ask us questions such as…

What has your path been like? Have you enjoyed it? Where did it begin? Why has it followed the course that it has? If you started out again on a path would you follow the same route? If ‘yes’, then, good luck enjoy it and do more of it? If ‘no’ then, how can you change it and ensure that the remainder of your journey is on a path that you might actually like and enjoy?

As long as we enjoy our path it is the right one to be on. When we wake in the morning with apprehension of the day ahead our path is probably not the right one. Perhaps time to go and see a coach?

Take care, be happy and follow your path.

Sean x

TSHP361: Thrive in Life & Business Featuring Nikki Cross

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What’s Coming This Episode?

This week on the podcast Ed and I were joined by Nikki Cross who is in the process of starting a new business in the middle of the pandemic. Her background and skill base is in learning and development and her passion is in getting leaders to self develop and improve who they are and how they function to the benefit of themselves, their teams and their business.

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Developing Your Leadership Skills

This week on the podcast Ed and I were joined by Nikki Cross who is in the process of starting a new business in the middle of the pandemic. Her background and skill base is in learning and development and her passion is in getting leaders to self develop and improve who they are and how they function to the benefit of themselves, their teams and their business.

The work that Nikki’s is developing is important for the development of any society but at this moment it is vital to ensure that we survive and rebuild after Covid-19 becomes something that was rather than is. As we come out of lockdown it is the power of our leaders that will pull us through and recreate the world. It will probably not be as it was but hopefully it will have it’s own magic and we move forward to whatever awaits us.

I have invited Nikki to contribute to this blog, see below. But before that I just want to say this, we are all leaders. Leadership is not a title, a job or a position it is a set of skills, values and insights. Throughout life we may be faced with leadership roles from leading a project in the classroom to being a gleam captain. With friendship groups there are leaders and followers. As parents, as a mother or father, we offer and show leadership. As adults in the workplace at different levels from shift leader to managing director we are leaders.

Good leaders, at any level, lead by example. This is not ‘do what I say and not what I do’. The quality of any group from family to corporation is a direct reflection of the leader. All groups develop from the top down. When you meet nice kids you know that they have had a good role model. When you meet nice employees you know that the quality of their leadership is good.  So over to Nikki…

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to come on and chat through this topic with you guys today!  I was honestly disappointed when it ended (could’ve chatted all day!)

I couldn’t agree with your summary more – and with my ‘people development’ hat on the next natural step would be to explore: If I wanted to improve my leadership skills, what should I work on and what are the easiest ways to develop? If that resonates with you, I’ve identified five key skills and some tips for development …

  1. Commitment to growth.  It can be temping to rest on your laurels when you get the ‘leader’ stamp.  Don’t be deceived though – this isn’t because ‘leaders are lazy’ … this is usually because of a wrong and very dangerous assumption: “I’m the leader now, I have been given this title so I cant show that I don’t know what I’m doing” … this leaves the leader feeling like an imposter in their own role.  Truth is – the skill set that got them from a great nurse / bus driver / recruiter is NOT the same skill set that will make them a great leader!

EASY WAYS TO DEVELOP THIS SKILL:

  • Start journaling – each day take 5 minutes to become aware of your priorities, your internal voice, your challenges and your thoughts.  Once they’re out on paper, it’s usually much easier to see things objectively.
  • The internet is your friend– there isn’t much available these days by way of obtaining knowledge.  The trick is IMPLEMENTATION … it’s all very well watching the YouTube video … but what will you ACTUALLY DO?   
  • Read 5 pages before bed – pick a book (so many great ones out there on leadership) and just commit to 5 pages before bed. That’s it! Most leaders will say to me “I haven’t got time to read” but openly admit that 5 minutes before bed is completely do-able (FYI … 5 pages a day = 1,825 pages a year = approx.. four books a year!)
  • Hire a coach …plug…Seriously, get help! Look for a coach who takes time to ensure the right fit, understands ‘what good looks like’ for what it is you want to achieve, asks the right questions and helps hold you accountable
  1. Authenticity.  The ONLY way to establish influence is to develop trust.  The only way to develop trust is to be authentic.  Leaders who are able to seek clarity, provide direction and inspire people to do things they didn’t think were able to create agile, committed teams.

EASY WAYS TO DEVELOP THIS SKILL:

  • Understand that it’s not your job to have all of the answers… it IS your responsibility to find them out. 
  • Communicate with intent, and always state your intent right at the start of your interactions. It sounds like this “I want to talk to you today about your goals for the next month and how you performed last month.  To be clear, I’m having this discussion with you because I want you on my team, we are interdependent which means the more we rely on each other to deliver what we said we would, the more we collectively succeed …”
  • Share your own development journey.  The leaders I have been the most inspired by, didn’t just want to talk about my development as an employee – they wanted to share their own with me too.  Knowing that they were comfortable to demonstrate that vulnerability to me made it a safe environment for me to have straight conversations with them.
  1. Integrity (notice how this word contains the word GRIT) Integrity is possibly the word thrown around the most when we are talking ‘leadership’ or ‘company values’ … but it is so important. 

Integrity is when there is congruence between your moral convictions and your actions.  Or put simply ‘doing the right thing, regardless of who is watching’. 

It takes true courage and GRIT to behave with integrity, especially because when you are in a leadership position, the level of decision making, autonomy and responsibility usually increases dramatically … but the amount of checks to ensure you’re making the right decisions in the right way, with the right intent decreases dramatically. 

EASY WAYS TO DEVELOP THIS SKILL:

  • Think of your future self – recognise that there is always an easier option, but will your future self thank you for cutting corners today?
  • Set your standards high when it comes to doing the right thing.  When decision making ask yourself: Am I doing the right thing by the person, the team, the customer and the business?
  • Tell someone else – if you know there is a risk of you not doing the right thing, get someone to hold you accountable!
  1. Communication – if I said to you “this is going to be really hard, not sure how we are going to deal with this”… notice how it is different to “we have got a challenge on our hands team. I need our brains on this to help me figure out the best next steps” … one invokes fear, the other invokes inspiration. 

Great leaders are SELF AWARE not only about how they approach challenges, but also about how they communicate with their teams.  I’ve found that the most influential leaders will choose their thoughts and actions carefully. 

EASY WAYS TO DEVELOP THIS SKILL:

  • Switch up your perspective & language – simple switches like instead of the word ‘issue’ try the word ‘challenge’ … it can be tricky to do in the moment, so start this skill by checking over your mail language first
  • Get curious – Start sentences with ‘what if we tried…’ and use curious language in your thinking and in your conversations
  • Stop dictating – yes, you’ve got to practice patience here.  Yes it might be quicker for you to just ‘tell’ … but do you want to hand hold forever? OR do you want to create a team who feel empowered to do the right thing?
  1. Goal setting & accountability – great leaders will establish the strategic direction, then set the goals by chunking down the actions required to achieve the goal.   They are able to find the right mountain they need their team to climb, and are able to set mutually agreed actions with each team member to establish their contribution to conquering said mountain. 

Providing the goals are specific, measurable and timebound, there will be no problem assessing progress (providing opportunity for accountability!)

Lastly, the leader will be showing up, and making their own contribution clear. The team will know exactly how the leader contributes to the journey and will feel empowered by their contribution.

…Get the above right and you’ll find team gatherings where everyone can hold each other accountable for their contribution.

EASY WAYS TO DEVELOP THIS SKILL:

  • Always link people’s goals into the bigger picture – it’s inspiring to know that the work you’re doing is contributing to something bigger than your work … it also adds an appropriate amount of responsibility when you know the bigger picture cant be achieved without your contribution!
  • Invest time in expectation setting – specific, measurable and timebound.  Set expectations clearly and make sure you all agree to how often progress will be reviewed.
  • Lead by example – don’t hide away from sharing your own goals.  Get them right out there for everyone to see.  Not only will this create trust, but it will also create context for your team by not only giving them an insight into why they are so important to you, but also helping them to understand the priorities and challenges that must be overcome.

A big thank you to Nikki for coming on the show and taking the time to contribute to this blog as well.

We are all leaders in one way or another and all that is said in this blog and what we discussed on the podcast applies to all of us. Just remember that people learn from observation. A good question is ‘how do people see you?’

Take care, stay safe and be a good leader

Sean x