TSHP446: It’s Christmas time – see the light and the love

What’s Coming This Episode?

It is time to see the growing light of the lengthening days and shortening nights. Following the darkness of winter, that has its depth at the winter solstice and the longest night, comes the lightening, as the days draw out.

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It’s Christmas time to see the light and the love

As we have gone through November and December this year I have found myself wearing sandals and a tee shirt… Something is wrong! It should be colder than it is and I should be wrapped up in a scarf with gloves and trying to keep warm. We are walking around the Marine Lake and I am wearing sunglasses. We keep saying to each other that ‘the weather is good today’ or is it? Is it really good for our winters to be getting so warm?

When the scientist predicted the idea of global warming they suggested ‘warm wet winters and cool dry summers’, they were right there. As people prepare for the floods  from the various storms this year the sand bags are out and people are fortifying their defences. Yet at the same time there are people on the equator digging ever deeper wells in order to find more water. It this odd? Has the world has gone mad? Or, is this the reality and the beginning of global warming.

The cycles of mother nature may have nothing to do with global warming and the role that mankind has played in warming the planet, who knows?, but there is something odd is happening.

But Christmas is Christmas and the solstice is the solstice.

It is time to see the growing light of the lengthening days and shortening nights. Following the darkness of winter, that has its depth at the winter solstice and the longest night, comes the lightening, as the days draw out.  This sense of the light coming to dispel the darkness has been ever present in the psychological cycle of the year.  The festivals of Solstice, (Yuletide), originally the three days around midwinters day, December 21st, was gradually superseded by Christmas or ‘Christmastide”.  In some parts of the pagan world the festival of ‘Yule’ lasted for twelve days which became the twelve days of ‘Christmastide’.

For many of us Christmas is magical time for our children who’s excitement and expectation is wonderfully infectious.  The tree full of lights sparkle in the darkness and many streets seem so bright that they must be visible from the moon. We love the light in the dark. It is like fireworks that give the burst of light against the darkness of the sky.

Symbolically, the magic of these festivals, at this time of year, is in the realisation of the coming of the light back to the world. Psychologically this is the development of awareness and understanding, as the light dispels the darkness, or symbolically, good dispels evil.  The symbol of the star shining over Bethlehem, as the light shining in the dark, is the same as the Chinese symbol Yin and Yang or the Hindu symbol of Hatha, both showing the relationship between the duality of consciousness and unconsciousness. Consciousness is the light that illuminate the darkness of unconsciousness. 

Christmas is, at its best, a time of light, of increasing awareness, of love and joy, of acceptance, and giving.  The gifts given to Jesus were represented in pagan ‘Yuletide’ by the gifts given by the farmers, and the people at the Yule feast, often these were animals that were sacrificed to God as an expression of gratitude for the coming of the light of the New Year. I have never been a lover of dark cold winters, and to know that the darkness is behind me and that ahead is the lighter warmer time of spring and the heat of summer becomes the light at the end of a tunnel.

Perhaps, individually we all have life issues that need to be resolved or worked through. The resolution of these is our journey from our darkness towards our light. Our emotional winter leads to our spring that in time will become the fullness of summer. This time of the year is my symbolic emotional and spiritual ending and rebirth in the new beginning that will become the new year.

We all deserve a new beginning. We all have the right and the power to make our lives good and right.

Enjoy the lightness and love of your festivities, be happy and merry and consciously let past go and allow yourself to move forward.

Have a wonderful Yuletide and a meaningful Christmastide

See you in the New Year

Sean x

TSHP445: Is it ever okay to lie?

What’s Coming This Episode?

Does Father Christmas exist? Does Boris Johnson exist?

This week the issue on every front page has been the issue of the staff at Number 10 having jolly Christmas parties while at the same time telling the rest of the world that they cannot. The repeated word is liar and lying. If you have ever had to deal with a liar you may well have a very strong point of view about it.

The word liar and lies seems to be a moveable feast that can change as and when we need them to. Is it ever okay to lie?

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Is it ever okay to lie?

Does Father Christmas exist? Does Boris Johnson exist?

This week the issue on every front page has been the issue of the staff at Number 10 having jolly Christmas parties while at the same time telling the rest of the world that they cannot. The repeated word is liar and lying. If you have ever had to deal with a liar you may well have a very strong point of view about it. 

The word liar and lies seems to be a moveable feast that can change as and when we need them to. Is it ever okay to lie?

There are what are known as ‘little white lies’ when we avoid telling somebody something that we know might hurt them or distress them. Most of us, at some point, will have varnished reality to help another person. Perhaps you child has just failed at an exam, sports event or a performance and we play down the fact that they have spectacularly failed. We play it down and tell them how wonderful they have been. In these cases we bend the truth a little to make the other person feel better.

Only we can decide if the our feedback to others is based in honesty or a doctored version of the truth that verges on being a lie.

Many people will use a version of the truth to further their cause. We see this everyday in politics. Currently with Covid we have examples of this everyday. The Christmas Party candle just being the latest. The classic has been over the testing and the effects of testing. Are the figures that we are given a convenient version of the truth that support the new policies? Or do they have a basis in fact?  Politics is full of what Winston Churchill referred to ‘lies, damn lies and statistics. He also reprimanded by the speaker for calling an MP a liar. He apologies and and changed the wording from liar to a ‘terminological inexactitude’. I have known many people who commit terminological inexactitude who are otherwise known as ‘liars.’

Lying moves from the white lies, what I might call good lies, to those that are deliberately and directly negative bad lies. These may be used to con you out of your money, get you into bed, or make you do something that you never intended or wanted to do. If I tell you a lie about a mutual friend telling you that they had said bad things about you or had done bad things to you it could understandably wreck your relationship with them. I have seen these types of things happen in the workplace when someone is attempting to get promotion and they lie and stand on their colleagues emotionally to achieve what they want.

So, here we have two distinctions in lying. The first if the nice lie to avoid hurting other peoples feelings or making a situation worse. I am always amazed how at a funeral the person in the box takes on the status of a saint and everyone says nice things about them when we all know the hard truth about what they were really like in life.

Then we have the lies that are designed for the liar to get some advantage which could be money, position, status, power and so on. It is these lies that I see being played out in current politics. The nonsense that is spoken, on air, by our politicians to justify and rationalise their mistakes, ignorance or lack of action is breath taking. For some the lies fall so easily from their tongues that they appear to pathological liars, someone who lies compulsively. 

Those with psychiatric or psychological disorders can often be pathological truth spreaders, they can’t hold it back. If someone suffering with Tourettes, who is disinhibited, may not be able to stop telling you that you have massive big nose. In a sense they are being completely honest. The person who does not have Tourettes and is not disinhibited may also see that you have a massive big nose but does not say anything. Does that make them a liar? Interesting! 

It would seem that lies can kindness, as in white lies to proceed others. They can be self protective and defensive, often when we have been caught out. I see this a lot when I do court work. They may be self seeking lies as in the classic sales person who will you tell you anything that you want to hear to get a sale. Or they can be the manipulative power based lies found in psychopaths and, sadly many politicians, who will say and do what ever is required to get what they want to hold on to power.

We see this all around the world in politics. If we look at Myanmar (Burma) and the treatment of Aung San Sun Kyi by the mew military rulers. It is obvious to the meanest of intelligence that they will tell any lies and make up any stories to keep her in prison. This is not unique there are examples everywhere.

Think of the engineers who put the cladding on high rise buildings, that we now know is flammable. If they did not know it was a fire risk they were acting honestly and not involved in any lies. Could we say the same is true for the manufacturer and the safety officers?

When a couple are getting divorced would we say that they were lying when they made promises to each other in the marriage ceremony  – until death do us part?

It would seem to me that unless you are being reckless and attempting to outwit others by not telling them the truth to take advantage of them, then the moving sands of time can change the way that we see the world. All we can do is to be honest to ourself in the present moment. Later we may realise that what we thought or believed was the truth was in fact a lie or not true. We then have a choice as to what we can put right or not.

My hope is that most people are fairly straight and would seek to tell the truth. I do accept that there will always be the purveyors of terminological inexactitudes around us and they maybe even leading us as our managers and politicians. Our job is to be aware enough to know the difference between the good lies, the bad lies, the psychiatric disorders and the truth. Though in the end my truth will simply be the way that I see it at that time.

Hey ho, aren’t human beings complicated?

Take care and discerning

Sean x

TSHP444: Temper Tantrums & Dealing With Frustration

What’s Coming This Episode?

With Covid and related stresses I notice that fuses are getting shorter and intolerance is on the increase.

Do you listen to what you say? Do you hear the tone of your voice? Do you realise how you are heard by others? I guess if your answer to these questions was ‘no’ then you would probably not be reading this blog. However, becoming really aware of what is coming out of our mouths is an art and requires awareness and awake-ness.

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Did you really just say that?

With Covid and related stresses I notice that fuses are getting shorter and intolerance is on the increase. 

Do you listen to what you say? Do you hear the tone of your voice? Do you realise how you are heard by others? I guess if your answer to these questions was ‘no’ then you would probably not be reading this blog. However, becoming really aware of what is coming out of our mouths is an art and requires awareness and awake-ness.

You only need to stand in a bus queue, sit in a coffee lounge to canteen and listen the voices around you to realise where people hold their consciousness. Sadly you will discover that the majority of what people are saying is negative or the tone that they are using is negative. There are many reasons people are talking the way that they are but the bottom line is usually that the majority of people hold negative images and beliefs about themselves, life and about others. In current Covid fun this tendency is magnified.

From being children we have learned all that we know from what we heard and what we saw. In the beginning this was from our mother and our father and that went on to become our siblings, teachers, cultures and nationalities and so on. And we have gone on repeating all that we have learned again and again and again until we believe it to be the truth. We the reinforce this because we hear what what we say and this strengthens our basic beliefs. If you see negative things in other people and you verbalise your negative thought you will hear those negative thoughts and simply continue to have more negative thoughts. These create more and more negative feelings.

You will never find happiness or contentment 

while you have negative thoughts about other people 

The two things can never go together. If you think or say anything negative about another person, and you hear what you have just said, you have simply added another little pebble to the negative mountain inside you.  If on the other hand you have a positive thought or say something positive about another person it is as though you have just taken a little pebble off the negative mountain. Many positive thoughts will rid you of the burden of negativity that you carry around with you. It is important to remember that you may also be saying and feeling negative things about yourself. The more you do this the harder it is to have positive self esteem.

You can always tell negative people because they find it hard to say anything that is positive. If it sunny they will be expecting rain, if it is raining they will be expecting a flood. They will suffer illnesses, bad luck and assume, in someway, that the universe is out to get them, they may also feel that people don’t like them and become distrustful.

Thoughts become things

The magic of thoughts is that they precede the words. When you think a thought you do not need to say it out load for it to have its effect. If you have good thoughts you will taking the pebbles away from the negative mountain and lightening your load. If on the other hand you spend your time ruminating on negative thoughts you will simply add to the negative mountain and the burden that you are carrying. 

There are particular words that add greatly to the negative mountain. These will include most swear words and profanities. The word ‘can’t’ should be banned completely because if you say hat you can’t you hear it and it is a done deal. If you say “I can’t do that” then you are right you can’t do it. 

The other words that do not serve us well are ‘ought’, ‘should’ and ‘must’. The only reason we ever need to act is because we want or desire to do something. There is nothing that we ought to do, there is nothing that should do and, there is nothing that we must do. The only relevant action is that of free choice.

Just as you hear what you say other people hear what you say. When you are negative with there people you simply are adding to the negative mountain within them. When you act with kindness and love you are lightening their load. In all forms of therapy and healing it is the acceptance by the therapist with unconditional positive regard of the person that they are working with that does the healing. 

When we use thoughts and words that treat us with unconditional positive regard we feed ourself with the highest positive emotions, we develop self confidence, happiness and love. We allow ourself to enjoy the magic of being alive.

But the world is full of choices. Listen to yourself. If what you are saying makes you feel good then, say more of it. If, on the other hand, it make you feel not so good, then change your script. And remember that we all effect our children because they are listening to what we say and observing how we act.

In this time of Covid as we approach the joy of Christmas be happy and love what comes out of your mouth, a if you don’t love it change it. 

Sean x 

TSHP443: How to Make Sense of Relationships, with Alison Blackler

What’s Coming This Episode?

Relationships are complex and probably one of our biggest challenges. Most adults spend much of their life in an intimate relationship. Relationships are potentially satisfying. They protect us from loneliness and can improve our mental and emotional wellbeing. This week we’re joined by author and transformational mind coach Alison Blackler to see how we can work through our relationship issues.

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Relationships Are Complex

Guest Post by Alison Blackler

And probably one of our biggest challenges. Most adults spend much of their life in an intimate relationship. Relationships are potentially satisfying. They protect us from loneliness and can improve our mental and emotional wellbeing. However, they can be challenging, and many different issues can cause couples disturbances. There are obviously arguments, fights and power struggles, but there are also stress-related reactions to each other, leading to further problems.

Challenges can build up in a relationship over a period of time, increase in frequency or create difficult consequences. The job is to work out what is acceptable and what is not. Each person’s relationship is unique, just like the people in them. Couples can experience turbulent phases, which can lead to much needed changes, or the relationship may become too difficult to continue. Relationships can feel stressful, and our aim is to consider the wider perspective. 

Keep in mind that any behaviour can happen with a varying degree of discomfort, and it is for each couple to decide what is acceptable. For some, it can look like a relationship is easy and natural, although there is usually work and commitment aplenty. When relationships work well, there is give and take, respect, honesty and positive regard. With the right balance of compromise and flexibility, it is vital to allow each person to flourish within the relationship. This all sounds so idealistic, and the reality of life and, indeed, relationships, make this an interesting journey. Life is full of experiences, some of which work well and some not so much. 

Many of challenges can be useful to help us grow and develop. If everything were plain sailing, our personal journey would probably be limited. While we clearly need some time of stability, we learn the most from challenging situations. The trick is to see these as a chance to change rather than as a negative experience. Relationships take work and commitment, though focusing on yourself first is critical. This understanding gives peace and clarity. 

Almost all couples will have misunderstandings, conflicts and disagreements. We will each do things that annoy the other. It is fair to say, ‘all relationships take work’. However, we must not get confused with those that leave us exhausted and drained. It should not constantly feel like hard work. There must be a balance and knowing this balance can make all the difference. Being in the wrong relationship is no one’s fault; it can be an honest mistake. When it is a real challenge is when you and a partner are essentially mismatched. There is no way to change or reconcile — the best thing to do is to recognise it for what it is and get out as compassionately as possible. Challenges and issues may occur within any relationship. There is no judgement as the complexity of a relationship can mean that it will hit challenges. The idea is to look at things from a different perspective to see if there is any need for change, whether that be yourself or both.

Ourselves 

It is right to say that the biggest challenge we face is the relationship we have with ourselves. This then influences any relationship with another person, particularly an intimate one. We are often focused externally and see problems with these relationships, rather than looking internally at ourselves.

When you have a difficult time with your own thoughts, beliefs, and behaviours, relationships with others will be equally challenging. This can be where the root cause lies.   

Most relationships can become like a habit. It is natural and inevitable that the two people become relaxed and settled with each other further into the relationship. While this is great for relationships that have enough good habits, it is very damaging when the bad behaviours have become the norm. 

As humans, we have an innate desire to be liked, loved, fit in, and are not keen on upsetting another person. Our behaviours are often driven by this need, which does not always end well. It is vital to be able to understand yourself first before you can try to decipher how someone else is thinking or behaving. 

It is key to remember that everyone is not thinking and feeling the same as you. Knowing this helps you to adjust your expectations and improve relationships with others. When it starts to go wrong, we rely on our own interpretation of a situation and use this to put meaning onto another. The key to a healthy relationship, especially an intimate one, is to notice your own behaviours, be brave and admit your flaws. Sometimes these are only obvious through viewing your behaviour alongside someone else. As you get to know them, you often learn more about yourself through their different ways of being. When you are aware enough to realise this, it pushes you to change, even though at the time it may feel awful.

We are all unique

Our uniqueness comes from so many different factors, so there is no wonder that we are often on a different page from one another. Through our upbringing, our experiences, our past, we all have our own story to tell, although the way all these experiences are processed makes it even more complex. This interpretation can get in the way when we are communicating with others. As incredible as we are, we have many challenges which are not necessarily echoed in the animal kingdom. We are limited in our ability to truly understand others: why others do the things they do, why others say the things they say and what they actually mean. Some situations, and even conversations, can feel like a mystery. This is because we all process and interpret everything differently. Each person can interpret the same situation in another way even though on the surface, it will look the same. The description of the situation can appear similar; same place, same time, same day, although a different interpretation. There are traits that look, sound or feel the same, although the actual experience is unique.

Interpretations

The human mind is wired to experience the world as we believe it to be. This means that our minds process and store information from a situation and then uses this information to make sense of the present moment. Remembering this helps us to understand why we all interpret differently and where conflict can often lie. The mind is an association-making machine. This means that in any situation, each person will retrieve their associated information stored within their mind in an attempt to make sense of the current situation. Sometimes this associated information is unhelpful and even irrelevant. This explains how the same situation can and will be interpreted differently.

Each person’s memory and interpretation of the situation is 100% right for them, but the problem lies in the fact that each person thinks the same! This is often at the root of most disagreements. With this in mind, we assume that the other person has experienced the same as us. Most people think that we see to believe, but we actually believe to see. The mind has altered the memory of the images to be as we believe them to be, and we then believe that this is what we originally saw. Our minds do the believing, not our eyes. When we each have this happening, this can lead to the chance of a different interpretation.

Communication

All communication has two parts: a sender and a receiver. The sender has a message he or she intends to transmit, and this is put into words or actions which is believed to best reflect what is in their mind. But many things can intervene to prevent the intended message from being received correctly. Given our tendency to hear what we expect to hear, it is easy for people in conflict to misunderstand each other. Communication is strained, and people will, most likely, want to hide the truth to some extent. The potential for misperceptions and misunderstandings is high, which can make a resolution more difficult. With this understanding, we can start to see a different and complex perspective of why communication is such a challenge at times. What we have not mentioned yet is that the part of the mind which interprets information first is the emotional part. It is said this emotional response is five times quicker than anything rational. Immediate responses are often unwarranted or inappropriate. So, when our initial response to everything, literally everything, is an emotional one, and each person has their own model of the world, it makes for an interesting dilemma.

This text is from A Path Travelled – How to Make Sense of Relationships by Alison Blackler