TSHP273: How to deliver bad news

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What’s Coming This Episode?

We preach positive things here at LITP, but some times bad things happen to good people. So what happens if it falls on you to deliver bad news to a friend or loved one? Is there a right way to do it? Of course there is! Over to Sean and Ed…

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TSHP272: Why am I so cautious?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Why are some folks more cautious than others? Do we need to hold a little back for survival or do we worry too much and miss out on big opportunities in life? Let’s dive in…

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Cautiousness

We have talked a lot about anxiety over the years on the podcast. It is a topic that many listeners come back to again and ask us to do an episode on a related issue. In this episode we are talking about cautiousness and it’s relationship to safety, as we were asked

“Where does cautiousness end and paranoia begin?”

We all need to be safe, we all need to be secure. We have spoken many times about the growing epidemic of anxiety and anxiety disorders. Some research suggests that around 60% of all visits to the family doctor are related to anxiety in one form or another. Or, at the least, anxiety is an added symptom in whatever the presenting problem is.

Over all, I see cautiousness as a low level form of anxiety. As with full blown anxiety we must always make the distinction between a real problem and an imagined problem. To be sensibly anxious and cautious is our systems method of keeping us safe and it has done a pretty good job through out evolution.

When cautiousness becomes a disorder it gets in the way of us being able to live our life in a normal way, it becomes a problem. Often the extreme of caution is what we describe as paranoia. This is when we suspect everything and everyone and trust goes out the window.

Cautiousness is a brake pedal that we stamp on when we are unsure or fear what is happening or of what will happen next. The key is that we are concerned by not being in control of what is happening. The easiest way to avoid cautiousness, and to create a sense of control. is to not do ‘it’, whatever ‘it’ is. In the extreme we can end up not doing anything at all that is out of our normal. This is a real caution disorder that can spill over from just effecting us alone to effecting all those around us.

Cautiousness can lead us to not only restrict our own behaviour and experience but also to restrict the activities of others. When this effects our kids and they stop doing things, or avoid doing things, we limit their growth and personal development. Not only that but we build into their minds and emotions, the core concept that the world is not a safe place and that we should be cautious about everything. For many people this can mean avoiding new experiences or any thing that takes us out of the ordinary.

Many people, who are cautious, will look at news broadcasts, facebook or other social media and find evidence to justify their caution, their fear. When the world is continually presented as an unsafe place it is easy to believe that this is the case, that it is true.

If, for example, we look at the reports of all those cheating partners and divorces, it is easy to then believe, and expect, that potential partners will always let us down. This can make us be so cautious that the only way to stay safe is to stay single. The caution is an expression of the fear of future loss or pain.

We all have a creative imagination. Whatever stories we construct in our imagination we live out. Those that make us cautious, can all seem very plausible because our mind likes to work in a logical way and subsequently finds evidence, and there it is all around us, that will support what we believe – “the world is unsafe” – and we need to be cautious when interacting with it.

The reality

The world is, and we are, safer now than we have ever been at any point in history. When we look at the evidence it does not justify our current fears and need for caution. Generally we are now safer from crimes, disease, and accident. We live longer than ever and we are healthier than ever. Yet the news tells us nothing but bad and we believe it.

For example, we may worry about getting cancer and diseases of old age oblivious to the fact that just a couple of generations ago people would not have lived long enough to develop any of these illnesses. The fear of what will happen to us when we get old can make us cautious of living our life in the present. So many people that I have worked with, in their later years, have a list of ‘if only’ and regret that their caution, throughout their life, stopped them from doing what they really wanted to do and fulfilling themselves.

Accepting that us human beings do have the ability to do some very silly things and can create some pretty big problems such as global warming. However, we also have the ability to create solutions and solve problems. We are, above everything else problem solvers. People who understand their ability to solve problems have very low levels of anxiety and tend to not be cautious.

When we understand our capacity to solve problems we can be less cautious about living our lives to the full.

I don’t agree with armies and wars but I do agree with this motto…

He/she who dares wins

The other option is that the person who never dares to do anything never wins but also they never really lose either. They are stuck in stasis of never changing similarity, same old, same old, ground hog day.

Take care – Let go of caution and live your life as you would like to.

Sean x

TSHP271: How to make difficult decisions

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Decision making. It should be so easy. Make one and move on! The reality ain’t se clean cut. A million different scenarios can run through our heads. Who might we upset? What are we risking? It’s time for a podcast on decision making…

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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TSHP270: Nudge Theory and the Art of Changing Minds

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Behavioural science is a fascinating area. From propaganda during war time to the advertising boom in the 50s and beyond, humans are obsessed in finding ways to manipulate and change minds. So what is nudge theory and, most importantly, can it help Ed on his quest to get more people on their bikes??!

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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The Art of the Nudge

Nudging is the art of persuasion that is carried out below someone’s awareness. This is mainly used in health and safety areas as we encourage people to look after themselves. The rumble strips as you approach a roundabout get closer and closer together giving you the sensation that your car is speeding up. Your natural reaction is to slow down. No one has told you to slow down or asked you to slow down you have simply been nudged below you awareness into an action that makes you and others safer.

In the game of life we all seek to nudge others into doing what it is that we need them to do. If we are subtle they will not realise that they are being nudged. Many people get outraged at these ideas and ask me where nudging ends and manipulation begins? Perhaps the issue is in the eye of the beholder, as I say we are all doing it anyway. Perhaps manipulation is more negative and nudging more positive.

A while ago when we were looking at persuasion I suggested other words that we might use or think of instead of persuasion such as teaching, training, encouragement, seduction, inducement, punishment, cajolery, extortion, manipulation, coercion, bullying, brainwashing, exhortation, fear… I am sure there are more. Perhaps we then need also to consider the common vehicles that are used for persuasion such as media, news, propaganda, prejudice, gossip, faith, belief and our good friend advertising.

The Negative Bias

Evolutionary psychology explains that as we, indeed all beings on the planet, evolved we learned pretty early on that staying safe was a very good idea. This meant that we learned to pay more attention to the painful scary things than to the pleasurable things. This is known in psychology as the negative bias. We all know people who catastrophise events, make mountains out of mole hills and always seeing the worst possible outcomes, they are simply playing out the evolutionary negative bias to keep them self and those that they care about safe.

It seems strange that the negative message should be more powerful and create more attention than the positive one. Just turn on the news and see this being played out. Simply ask yourself ‘why is news always about bad things happening? Why don’t we pay as much attention to the good news as to the bad?’ The bad news is potentially telling us about things that may threaten us and from an evolutionary point of view this was more important than being happy.

Security and behaviour

Our behaviour is based around our need for security, for our need to feel safe or normal. This makes us vulnerable to be nudged by any message that might make use feel insecure or threatened.

As you will realise my current hobby horse is Brexit. The Brexit movement was all about nudging people with the feeling of fear and threat. When the statement that we would be able to put £350 million back into the NHS it was not talking to our positive self as in ‘oh that is good we will have more money for health’ we heard the message with our negative bias, ‘Those Europeans are stealing our resources’. This plays right back to the evolutionary negative bias, it is as though the tribes in the neighbouring territories are stealing our food and resources. The natural response is to move away from the source of the threat,

Now, if I say ‘if we leave Europe it is the stupidest thing we could ever do. We will all suffer, be worse off and create more instability in the world that leads to wars, death and violence…’ all of which I do believe by the way, what I have done is just attempted to nudge you into voting ‘stay’ in the next referendum by appealing to your negative bias. If I were to appeal to the positive side of your nature and tell what wonderful people the Europeans are and how much we benefit from being involved with them, the message does not have them same impact.

Nudging and persuading is what we are all doing all the time, if not with others then with ourself. How do you nudge yourself to go to the gym when you are feeling like you can’t be bothered?

Mindfulness is the only option that we have to become truly aware of who we are and what we are doing and also to be aware of others and what exactly they are up to. My stuck phrase is ‘what is the sound behind their words? What do they really mean when they said that?’

In mindful awareness we life in a world of choice and if we are Being nudged we might choose to enjoy it and see where it takes us. After all life is about learning?

Take care and be happy (that is a nudge by the way)

Sean x (so is the X that infers that I care without actually saying it)

Difficult Decisions

Isn’t this a big one? So much of my work is filled with people needing to make a decision and if they are talking to me about it then it must be a difficult one.

Karma and consequence

Decision making is the nature of being alive. Every moment we are making decisions and each of these decisions will have a consequence. In eastern philosophies the consequence is called karma. People in the West talk about good karma and bad karma in reality good and bad does not exists it is simply a consequence, it is us that adheres the labels of good and bad. Once we get beyond the ideas of fault and blame we see only consequence and to the awake mind, learning.

The issue about making a decision is the fear

Many people are scared of making decisions for fear of making a mistake and getting it wrong. The greater the potential outcome of the decision the harder it becomes. At this point many people opt to do nothing not realising that in karma doing nothing is also an action. There is a consequence to doing nothing therefore to do nothing is as active as doing something.

The value of a decision

The value of making a decision is that you are in control. To be at the dither point unable to decide what to do next turns us into victims, vulnerable to being pushed around by the situation or by other people. When we make a decision it is as though we have taken hold of our life and even if the decision is wrong we can learn from it and make another decision to get us back on track. In mindful awareness we can observe consequence and make a choice.

Nothing bad ever happens

This maybe a bit hard to grasp but once you have it can be life changing. In a world of consequence and learning nothing bad can ever happen. This is because right, wrong, good, bad, fault and blame are all in the eye of the beholder. If we take away all of those labels and simply look at any situation in life as a learning opportunity we will always get the very best from our life that we possibly can.

Tossing a coin

If you hold to the philosophy of nothing ever bad happening you could just as well toss a coin to make a decision as long as you are awake enough to learn from whatever happens. Ok, so it is better if you make an active decision but when you are really stuck the deal is that you need to do something and if you do decide to do nothing then own that as an active decision and be responsible for the consequence and learn.

Asking the Oracle

Many people, when faced with a difficult decision, will consult the oracle. This might be in the form of a psychic, a tarot reader, the I Ching, Rune Stones, Angel cards, these are all actually very valid things. When we consult an oracle we evoke the Barnum effect. Barnum was a circus owner and illusionist. The Barnum effect is that you see what you want to see. Equally you hear what you want to hear. Our own bias is such that we will read into, or take what we want, in ways that simply apply to just us from whatever we experience. When you read your stars in the daily newspaper the Barnum effect will ensure that whatever you read into it will be right, good and effective just for you.

The bottom line is that making a decision is simply about the consequence. Some consequences will be obvious and others unforeseen. Whatever the outcome if we are mindfully awake we will learn, grow and move on.

On the basis that nothing bad can ever happen and that we can deal with whatever the consequence we can move ahead assured in a positive outcome to our lives. On that basis there are never difficult decisions just interesting consequences.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

TSHP269: How to stay calm under pressure

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Sometimes a story pops up that the whole planet gathers around to hear. The trapped football team in the Thai caves was just such an event. Aside from the huge amount of work that went on to rescue the boys and their coach, imagine the situation underground. Would you be able to stay calm?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

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  • Sean felt this was a great time to mention one of his favourites – One Moment Meditation by Marty Boroson

Stay in Touch

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Leave us an Honest Review on iTunes

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Calm Under Pressure

It always seems amazing when a dramatic situation develops somewhere in the world and, what seems to be, the whole of humanity come together in a spirit of good will with the desire to get something right. We have just experienced this when the Wild Boars football team became trapped in a cave system alongside their coach. Luckily the coach was an ex Buddhist monk, of ten years standing, who taught the team to meditate and await a rescue that non of them knew would come.

In the ‘Intention Experiment’ quantum physicists tell us that it is now possible to measure the energy leaving one person and measure it arriving at another person. You might call this energy good will, love, prayer, absent healing and so on but I suspect that a lot of positive energy was raining down on these guys and, amazingly, they all got out. Though we do have to offer our prayers and thanks to the Thai Navy Seal, and his family, who lost his own life in helping those trapped children.

The fact that the coach was trained in Mindfulness and meditation was probably the deciding factor in their survival. That had a limited oxygen supply and they were on the edge on hypoxia when they finally got out. In calmness their respiration would have been slower and they would have used less of their vital resource of oxygen. When people are anxious they breathe shallow and fast.

Considering that all beings on planet Earth can count their breaths in an average life time at around 700 million each breath has a value that should not be wasted. This amount of breaths is as true for an elephant as for a mouse. Mice have short fast breaths and get through their allotted amount much quicker than an elephant who has deep slow breaths. Those of us who are anxious and suffer from a raised heart rate and a raised respiration will die sooner than those of us who are calmer with a slower heart and respiration rate.

Unless we learn to be mindful and observe our breath we will never be truly aware of what is going on in our system. Using mindfulness, relaxation, exercise and meditation we can slow both our heart rate and respiration and increase our chances of living a longer and happier life.

 Being in your own cave

The cave metaphor is often used to describe that inner space that we all retreat to when we are under threat. We would say that a man goes to his man cave, well so do women but in a different way to men.

Sometimes when life feels like it is too much the only place we can go is within. Our computer inboxes maybe full to bursting, our emotional inbox may be full to bursting and our mental inbox likewise. Our systems are in overload, colleagues and family are now too much, and all too often deliverables seem, well, undeliverable.

However hard we work, we don’t always meet our goals for the day or the week or the month. New urgent tasks come to us before old ones are done. Sometimes we react by behaving badly, or perhaps we agree to everything, even knowing that we cannot do it all, and the pressure builds inside us. Sometimes we blame ourselves for not being good enough, or our colleagues, family and friends, and we forget we are all in this thing called life together.

Could this be positive?

Seen another way pressure could just be a positive force; it can help us to be better at our jobs, relationships and lives. Pressure can motivate us to be a better person. It can trigger incredible creativity, and boost productivity. The trick is to mindfully manage what we are thinking, feeling and doing. We need to re-examine how we deal with it, and we can be there for each other. In mindfulness we are gathering tools that work best for each and all of us.

If we all look after each other we will all be okay

There are massive changes coming to the UK with Brexit and to the whole world with changes in economic power and global warming. There is a great deal to do, especially in the coming months. However, if we are mindful of the responsibility we have for ourselves, and if we support each other, we will, in the end, all be alright.

The basic premise of mindfulness is that being present with what is happening now, in this moment, it stops us from ruminating about the past or future, and brings about clarity and focus. This does not mean that we deliberately allow ourselves to stay focused on how overwhelmed we feel at this moment. In fact, by stopping the flow of ruminating thoughts and being mindful, we are able to change the way we experience what is going on right now, and turn the negative aspects of pressure into the positive ones.

We don’t have problems we have learning opportunities

When we feel pressured, for example, if we are working under a tight deadline at work or at home, our concern can become the belief that we won’t meet the deadline, that we will fail and because we believe we can’t, we don’t.

Thoughts become things.

Rumination and disbelief is the way that thoughts become things. However, we have a choice. Rather than reacting to a feeling of being under pressure by assuring ourselves of our failure, we can for a second or two, notice ourselves breathing in and out, and give ourselves a moment to observe what is really going on. This way we are able to change our reaction, which is mindless, into a thoughtful response, which is mindful.

Stop. Breathe. Respond. Observe the pressure; don’t become it

Having a positive self-perception is a key component in transforming our ability to manage pressure. This is called self-compassion. We need to like ourselves and to know we are worthy as human beings. However, we should also have compassion for others. One person should never think that they are better than another person. It is only when we can recognise the positive aspects of ourselves that we are then able to recognise them also in others.

Reflecting on the plight of the Wild Boars, it is when we find ourselves in a negative internal cave, in the darkness and unable to see the light, that we need to remain calm, relax, meditate and await our own rescue. In this case it is the rescue that comes from mindful practices and the insight that allows the light to penetrate our darkness. So often that light will be self-compassion.

Take care, be happy and be calm

Sean x