What Do We Do When We Get Stuck?

Do you ever feel that despite you best intentions changing is just too difficult?

On the podcast this week Ed and I are looking at what we do when our efforts to create change are simply not working. Despite our best efforts things seem to be going wrong, nothing is falling into place. It can feel that the world is against use, despite our best efforts nothing is going right. Time to get a little determination!

Us human beings are tenacious but also stubborn. Your human MindBrain system, that we also describe as your paradigm, is formed by the habits that you have learned since the moment of your birth. Strangely many of us create, and carry on with, the worst most self damaging habits, even with the clear knowledge of the damage they are doing to us. Yet, we sometimes do anything to avoid changing.

We say things like, “better the devil that you know”.

For many of us the status quo, however horrible, is often seen as a better bet than attempting to change ourselves so that we might enjoy something better.

The things that we think about we bring about

The relentless repetition of habitual behaviours day after day, year after year, embed themselves in our inner paradigm so that we can fool ourselves into believing that…

“this is just the way I am”.

This is never true. You and everyone else are the sum total of all that you can think, feel, imagine and do. You are simply the sum total off all that habits that you have learned. You are never, and never will be, “just the way you are”…

…you are what you have learned to be.

Do you like what you have learned to be? Are you happy with how you think, with your inner feelings and the way that you live your life? If the answer is ‘no’ then it is time to change.

The problem is inertia. To change takes great effort and it can simply be easier to stay the way that we are. Sometimes we attempt change only to hit the blocks, problems and issues that we need to overcome to complete the change. Our inertia is the heavy weight of all those habits that we have learned.

Overcoming the blocks in our path demands of us that we are persistent and consistent in our efforts, or, as Winston Churchill once said…

‘…never, never,never, never, give up’

We can all change if we want to. Persistence and consistence enables us to create the new habits that are the new you, the you that you want to be.

Change is the natural flow of evolution. Change through choice allows us to evolve into what we want to become.

Enjoy who you are and enjoy who you are becoming.

Take care

Sean x

TSHP108: Live in the Present Step 7 – Help, I’m Stuck!

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What’s Coming This Episode?

We’re 6 steps in to our course and it’s been plain sailing so far, right? Ahem. Maybe not. Step 7 addresses a hugely familiar (and completely acceptable) problem – what do we do when we get stuck?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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TSHP107: Live in the Present Step 6 – Allowing

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What’s Coming This Episode?

So buy now we’ve forgiven others, ourselves and started to claw our way into the present. But what about when we come across those annoying folks that stand in our way? Those folks who do things things that we’re so uncomfortable with? Allow them to be them, that’s what…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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The Law of Allowing

The Law of Allowing

In this step on the course Ed and I have been talking about the law of Allowing. This is one of the hardest steps in the Live in the Present course.

“The only thing you should be intolerant of is intolerance”
Plato

If you feel angry or disgruntled when someone with beliefs opposed to yours gets their way, if you become upset because you can’t have your way, then you are not living within the Law of allowing. When we can allow the mad people to be mad, the drug takers to be drug takers an so on we stand a better chance of changing their behaviour. When we oppose people’s behaviour we will normally make it worse and we get more of what we don’t want.

According to Emile Coue when you feel or express anger at the behaviour of others you will create more of what you would seek to eliminate.

Emile Coue’s law of reversed effort

The more we try to consciously struggle with a dominant idea the more powerful its effects become.

“When an idea imposes itself on the mind to such an extent as to give rise to a suggestion, all the conscious efforts which the subject makes in order to counteract this suggestion are not merely without the desired effect, but they actually run counter to the subject’s conscious wishes and tend to intensify the suggestion.”
(Baudouin, 1920: 116).

He elaborates by describing the law of reversed effect as exemplified by the self-antagonistic attitude of mind that says, “I would like to… but I cannot.” This notion might be seen as similar to the modern technique of “reverse psychology”, a persuasion technique which aims, paradoxically, to persuade someone to accept an idea by suggesting the opposite to them.

Is it ok to be completely tolerant of any behaviour?

Karl Popper

“The so-called paradox of freedom is the argument that freedom in the sense of absence of any constraining control must lead to very great restraint, since it makes the bully free to enslave the meek. The idea is, in a slightly different form, and with very different tendency, clearly expressed in Plato.

Less well known is the paradox of tolerance: Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them. — In this formulation, I do not imply, for instance, that we should always suppress the utterance of intolerant philosophies; as long as we can counter them by rational argument and keep them in check by public opinion, suppression would certainly be unwise. But we should claim the right to suppress them if necessary even by force; for it may easily turn out that they are not prepared to meet us on the level of rational argument, but begin by denouncing all argument; they may forbid their followers to listen to rational argument, because it is deceptive, and teach them to answer arguments by the use of their fists or pistols. We should therefore claim, in the name of tolerance, the right not to tolerate the intolerant. We should claim that any movement preaching intolerance places itself outside the law, and we should consider incitement to intolerance and persecution as criminal, in the same way as we should consider incitement to murder, or to kidnapping, or to the revival of the slave trade, as criminal.”

Karl Popper, The Open Society and Its Enemies

Of all the Universal Laws, the Law of Allowing is often the most difficult one to get our heads around. The truth is, there is freedom in allowing circumstances to be what they are and people to be who they are, whether you agree with them or not. Really. Even when it comes to poverty or war or disease.

Mother Theresa famously said that she would not attend an anti war rally, but she would attend a pro peace rally. She understood the Law of Allowing and the Law of Reversed Effort. She realised that the effect of an anti war rally would simply focus attention on ‘War’. A pro peace rally will focus attention on ‘Peace’.

This is also an internal process. When we have an internal dialogue that is self punishing when we get something wrong all we do is create more of what we don’t want.

Example
If I am using hypnosis to stop someone smoking and use the phrase “you must stop this filthy, disgusting habit right now!” the person will smoke even more. However, if I use the phrase “you will get a lot of pride and pleasure from no longer needing to smoke”, the person will stop.

To change yourself and change others you need to evoke the Law of Allowing.

Take care of yourself and treat yourself with love

Sean x

TSHP106: Live in the Present Step 5 – Intention

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What’s Coming This Episode?

We’ve worked through a lot of ‘stuff’ in recent weeks and now, with our mindful awareness, we’re ready to start creating the world we want to live in.

For that we need intention. Ask yourself the question, ‘what do I really want?’

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Intention

If you have been following the steps in the book you will have let go of the past, focussed on gratitude and, come mindfully into your present.

Are you in your present?

The chances are that you may not be there yet. The work that has been laid out in the previous steps may take you some time to complete. That is not a problem. It does not matter how long it takes. What is important is that you persistently and consistently keep going. This is a theme that we return to again and again. If you are in your present, then you are now ready to begin to create your future.

Your choice and responsibility
You, hopefully, now realise that you are the total creator of all that you have experienced and all that you ever will experience. If you are still harbouring negative attachment to the past, take responsibility for it and do something about it. You may need to revisit steps one and two several or many times, until you are really clear of your negative past.

If you are finding it difficult to let go of particular events or people you may find it necessary, to go into therapy and maybe even long-term therapy. Whatever you do, let it go and enjoy your present, enjoy your life.

Beliefs
Beliefs are the building blocks of your paradigm. We all have a paradigm. Even the most positive person is manifesting their paradigm; it is simply that theirs is composed of positive, not negative, beliefs. It is so important to understand your paradigm and, perhaps, how it developed and then decide how you would like to change it. You might need to refer back to the earlier steps to be clear about what you are doing.

Intention
Intention allows you to move towards your goal. As you move into this stage you begin to tune into your desires for the future. As you do this the residue of your negative paradigm will attempt to reassert itself and hold you back. This is were you need to maintain a persistent belief in your ability to change to get where you want.

You need self-belief
Self-belief is based in your ability, and your right, to have and achieve all that you desire. Whether that is the most altruistic or the most self-centred goal, it is important and has value. The Law of Attraction is constant and will simply reflect back to you more of what you focus on. This is why it is so important that you have to let go of the past in steps one and two allowing you to move forward and not be held back.

As you work through this step be honest with yourself about your hopes, wishes and desires, think out of the box. What do you really want? Go for it.

With intention you can make you dreams become your reality.

Be happy and take care

Sean x

TSHP105: Live in the Present Step 4 – Mindfulness

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What’s Coming This Episode?

By this stage we should have helped you move through some tricky stuff. So where now? Well, the present of course! Enter Mindfulness…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Be Mindful

Step 4

In the podcast this week we have been looking at Mindfulness. In the previous steps we have focussed on letting go of the past. Mindfulness requires that we are living in the present having let go of the past and not worrying about the future. Focusing on the past leads to depression and focusing on the future leads to anxiety.

Twenty years ago Mindfulness was an odd word used by strange silent Buddhists sitting beneath Banyan trees conducting obscure meditative practices. These days mindfulness has become a part of every day psychotherapy. To be Mindful means to be aware of your self in the present. Also to be aware of the world around you, of who you are, what you are doing and the effect that it will have on other people.

To live effectively we need to be mindful and awake so that we can enjoy our existence while at the same time causing the least damage to others. Blow there are eight reasons why it might be useful to be mindful and live in the present.

1: Get Physical…
Living mindfully means enjoying your body. We each have a body. In the East the body is seen as the temple of the soul, as something that should be looked after and respected, treasured and loved. To live mindfully in your body means to treat it with respect. Keep it well serviced and exercised. Not too fat and not too thin. To eat and drink sensibly. The man who ran the London marathon aged 101 said that his health and fitness was all down to his diet…interesting.

Q: What does your body need you to do for it today?

2: Get Social…
Living mindfully means making positive social connections. We are social animals. Our evolution has happened mainly due to our ability to cooperate with each other from the invention of tools to the development of social change. To live in social mindfulness is about caring for other people. This may be charitable or simply helping someone across the road. One of the good things about us all looking after other people is that everyone’s needs are met, including yours.

Q: Who could you help today?

3: Get some fun
Living mindfully means having fun. If you are living a balanced life then you will already be having fun. If, on the other hand your are trying to create a work life balance the chances are that life is not fun for you right now. When did you last have some fun? Living mindfully and having fun go together. If you are bored or stuck in a routine that is mind numbing you are not living mindfully. When you are living mindfully you are self-aware and aware of your needs and doing things that make you feel good. For most of us the fun is in being challenged, trying something new, taking a holiday, starting a new venture. I often say to clients “when did you last have fun?” Sadly they often look blank and cannot remember.

Q: What would be fun to do today? Or what fun things can you plan for the future?

4: Get some love
Living mindfully means both loving and being loved. We all need a bit of love in our lives. Love, self esteem and a robust immune system and health all run together. It is also true that love and happiness go together. Yet, as in all things, it begins at home. To be loved you have to begin with loving yourself. This is the mirror task. Go to a mirror look yourself in the eyes and say, “I love you”. At the point when you can say it, feel it and, believe it you are ready to be loved by another person. Living mindfully with love ensures that you make decisions that serve you well. It also means that you only do things that serve other people well. Positive loving action and the process of Dharma are the same thing. ‘Do as you would be done by’ is the guiding principle.

Q: Who do you love? Q: Would it be a good idea to tell them? Q: What do you need to do to feel loved?

5: Get wealthy
Living mindfully means an abundance of wealth. Wealth is a funny concept because we tend to attach it to money. Yet, we can be wealthy in many things. Wealthy with friends, opportunities, love, happiness and so on. But, we all need to live and to do that we need money and resources according to our needs. How much is enough? Some people may say ‘a million’. I guess it sounds like a nice round sum. For any of us if we have more than we need we are in a state of wealth and abundance. If you need £99 but you have £100 you are wealthy beyond need, you are in surplus. Being mindfully wealthy requires that we know what we need and that we have a surplus, we are rich.

Q: Are you wealthy? If not, what would you need to feel wealthy?

6: Get organised
Living mindfully means living with clarity and not with clutter. It is often said that you can tell what is going in someone’s head by looking at their desk. I guess you could extend that to looking at their house or, the way that they live. Just like a tree bears fruit, our actions in life bear results and these we see all around us. There comes a point in everyday, week, month, year or life time when we need to put our house in order and sort things out. These may be physical, social, emotional and so on. My teacher once told me “you are never ready to live until you are ready to die”. He was saying that when your life is clear and in order, when you have said everything that needs to be said, done everything that needs to be done, taken care of all debts and promises, now, you are ready to get on with life. To live mindfully means that you clear up all your mess as you go along so that you live in a world of clarity.

Q: What do you need to do to clear up your messes and create clarity in your life?

7: Get intuitive
Living mindfully with intuition means living with insight. Those that cultivate their intuition develop clear vision, they become clairvoyant. Insight is a magical quality that is only really developed in a few people. We all have the ability to connect with others. We may be thinking of someone and the phone goes and there they are. We spontaneously meet the right person follow the right hunch. Often intuitive insight is called coincidence or accident. Mindful insight comes to those that develop it. This means creating mind time. It may come in the form of meditation or contemplation exercises. It might be in swimming up and down the pool, walking to dog or going for a run. However it is done, regular consistent and persistent mind time allows us to get into the zone. In the knowing silence of the zone we begin to here the answer to our problems.

Q: Where will you find your mind time today?

8: Get creative
Living mindfully always leads to creativity. In many ways this is the goal that we are all aiming for. True creativity is the science of the imagination. This is the ability to solve problems. When we are truly mindfully awake there are no problems, there are no obstacles. All there ever is are learning experiences, challenges and, ultimately solutions. To be mindfully creative you need to attend to the previous seven steps, pull your life into shape. It is then in the waking that the ability to solve problems flows from deep within. Answers flow like spring water. In this new found ability to find solutions there are no problems, no stress, no anxiety. All is safe and as if should be.

Q: What problems do you have that can be turned into challenges? Now go and solve them!

Ashtanga
The word Ashtanga means to be integrated or to be whole. Mindful people follow the way of Ashtanga and attend to all levels:

Health and physical development
Friends and relationships
Fun and experience
Love and loving
Wealth and money
Clarity and organisation
Intuitive understanding
Creative problem solving

Be whole and be happy
Live in the present
Take care

Sean x