TSHP429: Who are you performing for?

What’s Coming This Episode?

Performative wellness and performative success occur when someone becomes more concerned with presenting an idealised version of themselves rather than being honest about who they really are.

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Who are you performing for?

Performative wellness and performative success occur when someone becomes more concerned with presenting an idealised version of themselves rather than being honest about who they really are. 

Ref: https://www.rhodescollege.ca/3-tips-helping-clients-avoid-performative-wellness-become-wellness-counsellor/ 

The concept of wellness, living well and achieving success has, in someways, become a fashion that was started by books like “The Secrete”. We only have to look at social media to see people that we know who are not having a good time presenting themselves and their lives like everything is wonderful.

Are you being the real you or a performative you?

The perceived benefits of a wellness, success or a business routine can leave people being embarrassed to simply be themselves. As in, it is not who you are but how you look that counts. It seems that being who we are is no longer good enough. The Botox, fillers and cosmetic surgery are a testament to that. If we get to the point where we no longer look like who we really are or act like who we really are how do we even know who we are? If the way we present ourself or our clothes or our house in the way that we believe other people will value us, do they ever know who are we really?

Over lock down I have been really surprised at how many people, when using Zoom etc, use filters to improve their complexion rather than just being who they are. People tell me that it is the problem of continually looking at their own face on a screen that makes them feel as though they are not good enough. In everyday face to face conversations we are focussed on the other persons face not on our own.

I have also be surprised at how many people now use video back grounds to make their home setting look better than it is. They tell me the same thing that after looking at their old furniture or worn out kitchen they want to present a better looking home when on video. So with the filters and the backgrounds people are not really being themselves. It come as a real shock when we finally meet people face to face. In Psycho-speak these performative issues often come down to what is described as ‘performance anxiety’. This is often simply concerned with the fear of ‘am I good enough?’ 

Social media has a lot to answer for in this regard. It can take a toll on anyone’s resolve.  Many people have used social media for support and connection. Over the pandemic people’s reliance of social media has increased. Sadly at the same time so have levels of anxiety as people try to look and act like everything is wonderful and okay. 

Perhaps, for many, this would be a good time to take a break from social media.

I was thinking a lot about how we compare ourselves to others. As a people watcher I am fascinated by people’s need to mimic and copy others behaviours. Even as a yoga teacher I have watched many students doing their postures with one eye on the person next to them to check if they were doing it as well as them or if they could stretch further. I have even had to say to some classes that yoga is not a competition, there are no winners, this is about you, your body, mind and soul.

As you get dressed in the morning, do your make up or your hair ask yourself ‘who am I doing this for?’ Is this you being you or are you doing it to effect they way that people see you? Everything in life can be a performance from walking and dancing to making love, to ordering and eating a meal to the way that we drink our wine. 

When you stop performing you start being. 

In mindfulness we learn the ‘be’ in the moment and to ‘be’ in the moment with ourself. 

Be here now, be you and be happy.

Take care

Sean x

TSHP428: Is setting goals worth it?

What’s Coming This Episode?

Do you have a goal in life?
If you do has it changed or altered because of Covid?
If you do have a goal how did you decide on it or discover it?
If you don’t have a goal would you like to have one?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Is setting goals worth it?

After the last two podcasts I have had a few people tell me that after getting into meditation and also doing the Dr Dolittle talking to animals exercise that they had had some insights about there need to change there work roles and in one case their entire life. This then turned into conversations about goal setting and decisions about setting the goals. Normally the traditional time for making life altering decisions is New Year. I guess that for many coming out of the Covid restrictions is like a New Year of maybe a new life.

  • Do you have a goal in life?
  • If you do has it changed or altered because of Covid?
  • If you do have a goal how did you decide on it or discover it?
  • If you don’t have a goal would you like to have one?

For many people their new life goal seems to be about being able to leave a legacy to the next generation. That might be because they want a lasting memorial and don’t want to be forgotten. While some want to ensure that their kids get the best that they can give them. I guess that all goals are worthy as long as they don’t hurt others. Through, it helps to make the game of life and your goals fun.

My goal is that I want to arrive at the end of my life with a smile on my face, I think that is  a good goal. I recon that if I am smiling at the end it would suggest that the journey has been pretty good, and that is the point. Goals are all ok but if we only focus on the end point we can so easily miss the enjoyment of the journey.

A goal is, by definition, the end of a journey. It could be that from that ending  could be other new beginnings and new goals to aim at.  But, any goal that we are aiming at is an end point, a conclusion. And yet the goal itself may represent only the smallest part of the journey. It is the journey that is the bulk of the experience that is what really counts.

So why have a goal at all?

For me a goals are good. They give purpose to the experience of being alive. So I will have a goal for the day. It may that my goal is to do nothing, but then to actively do nothing is actually doing something, if you see what I mean. Goal setting does not mean that we have to engage in endless activity. It may be that we are aiming at doing and working less and chilling out more and learning to relax better.

Often I will see every day as this blank cheque of time. We each have 1440 minutes in the next 24 hours all to be spent however we wish – wonderful. I try to split my day into segments there is the small pre breakfast segment that is a good time to go running, do yoga or meditate. The morning segment takes me through to lunch time, the afternoon segment through to tea time, the evening segment and then the night at bed time. I often set myself mini goals to achieve in the different segments of the day. It can be good to have an agenda or a list.

Goals can be bigger events. I have week goals, month goals, year goals and so on. These are not things that are written in stone they are things I would like to achieve or get done. If I miss the deadlines or decide to dump or change a goal that is fine by me. It is all a part of the game of life and, for me, it has to be fun.

Often a goal, once set, happens in a time line. The time line defines the process and the sequence of achievements that lead to the ultimate goal. If you think of a goal as a chain that is spread from the present moment to the point that you wish to get to, then the chain is composed of links. Each link is a step in the journey to the goal. If the goal is the top of the mountain then the journey is the chain. Each step that we take is a link in the chain. If we achieve all the links the we complete the chain.

Why set goals?

Human beings are energised and motivated by having something to achieve. There is enough evidence in medicine and neuropsychology to confirm that those of us that carryon learning throughout life, however old we get, stay younger and fitter for longer. Those that do not have goals and become static with no motivation go into decline and they get older quicker. Goals create purpose direction and meaning in life, without goals life can become meaningless. 

A goal can be big or small

Be happy, set goals. Remember that New Year will soon be here. Now, there’s a good time to set some new goals.

Take care

Sean x

 

 

TSHP427: The Answer Lies Within

What’s Coming This Episode?

Frustration is a debilitating emotion. In the last few blogs we have looked at the emotions of anxiety, anger and depression. All three of these can either be the result of or the cause of frustration. This may be frustration with your self, other people, the situation in general or the ongoing saga of covid. Working with people in various states of frustration I was reminded of the cow…

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The Answer Lies Within

Frustration is a debilitating emotion. In the last few blogs we have looked at the emotions of anxiety, anger and depression. All three of these can either be the result of or the cause of frustration. This may be frustration with your self, other people, the situation in general or the ongoing saga of covid. Working with people in various states of frustration I was reminded of the cow.

One day, many years ago, as a young man, I was frustrated and angry. My teacher, whose patience was wearing thin, told me ‘It is time to be with the cow’. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about but with some food and water I was left in a field of cows and told to talk to them and that he would be back later. At the time I had taken a vow of obedience and did what was asked of me.

It was a long and a hot day that increased my feelings of frustration. I looked at the cows, they looked at me. What I supposed to do? I started having many one sided conversations with the cows. I spoke in animated ways with one cow who gazed at me with lovely doe eyes and simply chewed the cud with the resigned patience of someone who has been given charge of a mad human to look after. 

The cow and I sort of clicked. It was as though she knew what was going on in me and in her eyes was a stillness that also stilled my frustrated mind. You will think that I am really mad now but it was as though we were talking together at a deeper intuitive level. She was saying to me, ‘what’s the problem’. She was saying that life would go on day after day. She would come here chew cud and produce milk. ‘What was all the fuss?’ My teacher had told me that to the open mind everything and every being was a guru. When your mind is open you can learn so much everyday all the time.

The bottom line was that when my teacher returned he required me to explain what the cow had taught me. My learning from the day was that while I was rushing around the field in my frustration attempting to understanding something, anything, the cow, on the other hand, was happy to simply just ‘be’. To simply be a cow. The cow had a contentment in the moment and was not expecting or demanding anything else. My teacher simply nodded.

Later as I studied and practised meditation it occurred to me more and more that the cow had it right. To be content in the moment in the now with no concern what had been or what would be was now one of my own goals in my  meditation. Learning to be, rather than needing to do, is now my guiding principle. My daily meditation is now my oasis of simply just being in the busy world of my doing. I have to thank the cow for her wisdom.

In my life and my work I am privileged to enter other people’s inner worlds, discover who they are and, where possible help them find who it is that they would really like to be and, where possible, change their lives. I love all that I do, though there is one downside. It can be easy, however skilled therapists become at avoiding it, to load up with other peoples stuff, their stories, feelings and pictures. In short, if I spend the day working with people that have been abused I can feel like I am back in the grips of abuse. The same is true when working with depressions or anxiety, OCD or bereavement.

In the confused sea of other people’s emotions the sane place to go is the still place deep within, and for me that means meditation. This is at least once a day through often it is more. This is a time when I do not need to rush around worrying about who I am. Then I have become the cow. I have learned to sit and become the observer of my own thoughts and feelings and not get carried away by frustration, worries or concerns. I can enjoy the time when no body wants anything and when I have nothing what so ever to do but spend sometime simply relax and being.

Then I empty my internal cupboard and do what I love best, work with other people.

How do you clear your emotional cupboard when it is full?

Take care

Sean x 

TSHP426: Happy Holiday Covid Style

What’s Coming This Episode?

Wow! It is the summer. We generally are hoping that it is hot, but not too hot and we can fly away and enjoy it. Emmm, well maybe. I guess some will chance it in the hope that the country they are visiting stays on the Green List.

Normally in the colder climates of Northern Europe people would now be heading south to the sun. Topping up their vitamin D and replenishing their energy before the darkness and the cold of the winter to come. In the other direction in the hotter humid climates of the Middle East people would be heading north to cool down a bit. Turning their back on the sun and the humidity.

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Happy Holiday Covid Style

Wow!, it is the summer. We generally are hoping that it is hot, but not too hot and we can fly away and enjoy it. Emmm, well maybe. I guess some will chance it in the hope that the country they are visiting stays on the Green List. 

Normally in the colder climates of Northern Europe people would now be heading south to the sun. Topping up their vitamin D and replenishing their energy before the darkness and the cold of the winter to come. In the other direction in the hotter humid climates of the Middle East people would be heading north to cool down a bit. Turning their back on the sun and the humidity. 

I only realised when I was working in Qatar that people from the Middle East suffer similar vitamin D deficiency to those people in Europe. In europe their is either not enough sun or people are smothering themselves in suntan lotion to avoid getting burned or developing skin cancer. In the Middle East in can be so hot and humid that people stay indoors in the pleasurable cool of the air conditioning and avoid going out in the open and the vicious sun. The result is that the vitamin D loss is the same.

The adaptability of human beings is truly amazing. We have been able to make a life in the frozen wastes of the north and the sun scorched deserts of the equator. Yet, wherever we live we crave the difference of being somewhere else, to get away to take a holiday. To change the normal status quo for something totally different.

Holiday makers come in two main types. There are those that need to simply get away from something, taking a break or chilling. Then there are those who need to be doing something and take the activity holiday. Whether your holiday is a ‘stop and chill’ or a ‘start and do’ event what is it that makes a holiday happy for you? Covid favours the chilling on the beach holiday, as long as there are not too many people. The action holiday involve greater close contact.

Covid can add an extra layer of stress to this years holiday. I have known so many people who are having a tough time, living a tough life. They spend their entire year saving for the break or they just get their holiday on their plastic. Then they have to struggle through the airport with the kids screaming onto a three or four hour flight to the sun and the all inclusive break. The next ten days is spent by the pool semi piddled on the all inclusive booze, telling the kids off for disturbing them and arguing with their partners. What happens if you then have to self isolate for ten days once you get back? The pressure on the family and relationships can become intense.

Well, maybe that sounds a little extreme but, do you realise that, the divorce season begins in September just after the holidays. For many, the pressure of being together for that long proves to be too much and the split follows. The same thing happens just after Christmas in the New Year. But, I digress.

What is your ideal holiday?

If you could go anywhere this year, forgetting Covid, where would you go? For me it is the Italian art of doing nothing and, the place that I prefer to do nothing is, of course, in Italy, “La Dolce Far Niente”. My life is intense and sometimes extreme when I travel for work the reality of being on the plane for a few hours is a welcome oasis of stillness in the everyday madness of life it is my dolce far niente. When I go on holiday that sense of nobody needs anything and nobody wants anything is magical. If I am honest I do not need to leave my house to do that. A chill day in the house can, for me, be a holiday. But such stopping is not easy for everyone.

There are many people who do not know where their off button is so that everyday becomes a list of things to be achieved. Even the act of exercising becomes another task on the list to be ticked off. The art of being able to simple sit and be, “La Dolce Far Niente”, perhaps with a meal, as a couple, as a family, as a group of friends and to genuinely do nothing and genuinely feel that you allowed to do nothing is becoming a lost art. I see so many people in various organisation who have forgotten how to stop. Perhaps we should change the concept of ‘work hard play hard’ to…

Work hard, but know when to stop

This has been tough for people stuck in their house during lockdown unable to stop and continually need to be doing. If people are forced into staycations this year will they really get the break that they so desperately need? 

Is your ideal holiday active or relaxing? Or a mixture of the two? We say that one person’s meat is another person’s poison. We could say that one person’s holiday is another person’s nightmare.

The one thing we do know is that this year when we do take a break that is good for us and feeds our individual needs it will have a positive effect on our system right down to the cellular level, reducing stress hormones, blood pressure, anxiety and so on. It is important that you take a break that will work well for you. But the most important is that you do take a break, that you give yourself the value of being important enough to look after. Whatever happens with Covid, if you manage to get away or have a staycation make sure you enjoy it.

Wherever you go and whatever you do this year be happy 

Take care

Sean x