TSHP225: How to be a supportive partner

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Life is busy and hectic and often we can find it hard to find time to ook after ourselves, let along the ones we love. So how can we make time to be more supportive partners?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Are you a supportive partner?

This week a listener emailed and was asking for advice on how they could help support their partner who had been having a few problems. It can be hard to give a simple answer to such questions without seeing the partner, or the couple face to face in person or online, but it gave Ed and I plenty to think about and talk about.

When I was thinking about it the first thing that occurred to me was how many people, who come to see me, are actually talking about the problems of another person, usually their partner. Or more specifically how their partner’s problems are effecting them. In such cases the drive to help the partner also involves the drive to help them self.

Listening
We all need support and that involves both listening and sharing. In psycho speak we talk about active listening which is a whole size bigger than simply listening. In actively listening we are looking for the meaning behind the words and the relationship between words used and the associated body language. If someone says ‘yes’ while shaking their head there is something wrong.,

Reflective listening might be just checking out what your partner meant by maybe paraphrasing what they just said to check that you did actually hear correctly what they said. Mirroring is saying back to the person the same words that they used to you. This can be annoying if done insensitively, however it does give your partner the chance to hear what they just said and perhaps see the true meaning in what they are saying. Let’s say your partners says “I want to end it all” the mirrored response might simply be “You want to end it all?”. The fact that it has now become a question requires an answer or explanation.

Sharing
Listening is one half of a transaction, sharing is the other half. If in a relationship both parties understand the positive effect of both listening and sharing then everyone’s needs have a good chance of being met. Willingness to share may involve personal vulnerability. It may also be affected by what it is that we feel is right or appropriate to share. Certainly some of the things that I deal with I would never share because they may be too difficult or even horrendous and require a professional relationship to be dealt with. In a general sense when there is permission in a relationship to share difficult issues or feelings this can be bonding just as not sharing can drive people apart.

Supporting
It all depends on the issue. If your partner is feeling down, or is having a tough time at work or with the kids a simple chat might just crack it. If the problems of feeling down are developing greater levels of depression or anxiety professional help or even medication may be required.

Generalised support
Let’s assume that all is well and together as a partnership we are dealing with the normal everyday stresses of modern day living, what do we need to be doing for each other? Support for me means appreciation, gratitude, being helpful and doing what you can for each other, covering each other’s backs and trying not to do things that undermine each other.

Time together time apart
For me time together is a vital part of my relationship. We go away quite a lot so that we can just be together. Some couples that I work with like to spend time apart perhaps going on holidays on their own or with other people. I guess it is whatever works for you as a couple and if you don’t ask you don’t know.

Fun
Fun and laughter are great therapy. Couples that laugh together stay together, or perhaps families that laugh together stay together. What is fun for you as an individual? What is fun for you as a couple? What is fun for you as a family? Having fun is often a choice. On the basis that what you feed grows and what you starve dies we can make those things that happen to us into ever bigger problems or they can become challenges and learning opportunities. Changing what can be tough situations into positive ones is a skill, but we can all develop it.

Helping your partner
So, let’s say that your partner is going through tough stuff, maybe they are depressed or suffering anxiety, perhaps they have lost their job or are suffering grief and bereavement, whatever it is and what other help they are getting we can still be supportive.

Develop a plan, agree a gentle push to help them get going again. Encourage them to talk and do things and develop positive coping strategies.

Tone down the stressors, reduce those things that they find most stressful and difficult, simplify life.

Move, the healing power of simply getting some exercise, even a slow walk around the block can energise your body and in turn energise your mind.

If you feel overwhelmed by it all get help. Your partner may need therapy to deal with their issues but you may also need therapy to help you deal with your partner.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

TSHP224: Are you an organ donor?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

A recent piece of news hit us hard – the case of a 13 year old girl who sadly lost her life. From this great sadness, her parents managed to find the courage to donate organs from her body which went on to save the lives of 8 others. Organ donation is a tricky but fascinating philosophical area to discuss so Sean and Ed thought they’d have a go.

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Would you donate your organs?

This weeks podcast and blog has been inspired by a listener who directed me to an article about a little girl who had died. They pointed out how many people she helped to live by the donation of her organs. This was a hot and difficult topic for the listener as they are now in a similar situation where a relative close to them will shortly die. Their family are currently discussing the rightness or wrongness of donating organs. Their discussion also raised the issue of the rights of the family versus the donor. Should the family have a say in someone’s decision to become an organ donor. They suggested that Ed and I do a podcast to look at this difficult issue. I started asking people, checking some services and ideas online. The first issue seems to be is it right or wrong?

So, is it right to give part of your body to another person? Some people who become donors donate their body once they are dead while others do so while they are still alive giving away a kidney, bone marrow, eggs and semen, blood and so on. The whole issue raises so many questions. The main one being just because we can do something should we?

Would you be a recipient?
Ok, so would you accept an organ from a donor? Would you accept a blood transfusion?
As a lot of these issues are so personal I have put in quite a few links, some about people who have actually had the transplants described. The issues of both accepting and giving body parts hits at the very core of what do we believe, issues of morality and what is right and wrong.

Would you donate?
Would you give an organ? Do you carry a donor card? Sixty two percent of people in Britain do carry a card, while only 4% of us are prepared to give blood? And each year hundreds of people donate their entire body to anatomical and medical science.

It would seem that donating your very skin and bones is the ultimate act of altruism. For many the feeling is that once you are dead you no longer need them and the may as well be recycled. For others a desecration of someone’s remains is the ultimate act of disrespect.

I have worked with people who have been waiting a very long time for a suitable donor and some who have died while waiting due to the lack of suitable donors. I also know someone who chose to donate a kidney to a complete stranger on the basis that they had two and only needed one. They literally just put themselves on the register and eventually a suitable recipient came along.

I have also worked with both heart and liver recipients of transplants who despite their gratitude to the donor experience the development of odd behaviours, habits and cravings, as though the organ brought a certain amount or memory with it. Not all donations are easily received.

Man who rejected donor hands
Even those that do receive an organ or as in the link below a pair of hands are unable to accept and accommodate the gift. This man decided that he would rather have them removed.

Face transplants
It may equally be true of the recipients of another persons face. In this link the man has had an astounding reconstruction. I look in the mirror now and find that the effects of age have changed the person who is looking back leaving me with the question ‘who are you?’ An interesting and educational journey.

Blood transfusions
In the Christian faith Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that the Bible says taking blood is wrong and would not accept blood transfusions. Therefore, they would not donate. They also keep their own blood for future transfusion. Many non-Christians would concur and refuse to give or receive blood. For me I am happy to both give and receive blood.

Animal organs – pigs
This a big one. Is it right to create an animal that has been engineered so that its body parts would be acceptable to the human body? Does this raise the issues of animal rights? I guess that if you are happy to eat meat then organs are a byproduct of the same process. For me, as a vegetarian, the idea of breeding an animal to harvest it’s organs is outrageous. But it is a personal issue.

Faecal transplants
This is a very interesting area of research. With the development of neuropsychology the relationship between the gut and our brains and between the gut and our emotional self is being investigated. It seems that we can say ‘happy gut happy brain’. We know that many medications, including antibiotics rip the natural flora out of the gut. This can have many consequences including emotional issues such as depression. Current experiments where faecal matter from people with a health gut/brain is transplanted into those lacking in appropriate flora is showing good results. Have a look at the link below it might open your eyes to the possibilities. How would you feel about having someone else’s faecal matter transferred into your gut?

Donor eggs and sperm
IVF and fertility clinics would not normally be associated with ideas of donation but that is exactly what they are. Even if the couple involved are known to each other and the IVF follows the same route that would have been taken naturally we are still moving bits of one person into another. One thing that concerns me in this area is the idea of designer babies, either to create a certain quality of child or a second child whose blood or umbilical fluids might be used to cure a brother or sister.

Looking at this overall I ask myself again the question ‘just because we can do something should we do it?’ Once we play with the gene pool we are releasing unknown consequences into the future. Lots to think about in this podcast and blog.
Take care and be happy.

Sean x

TSHP223: What is Cyberchondria and what does it say about our anxiety issue?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Sean uncovered an article this week that explained how and why cyberchondria is eating up a lot of time at our clinics and hospitals. So why is it a problem and how do we tackle our relationship with anxiety?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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What is Cyberchondria?

I have been aware of Cyberchrondria for many years. I always called it Google-itis. It is when the patient or the client has become so well informed about their condition that they often know more about it than their doctor or therapist. Sometimes, what they think is information can be ‘mis-information’ as the sources of their information maybe dubious and come from any site or chat room on the internet.

According to Laura Donnelly, health editor (UK) Daily Telegraph,

‘Cyberchondria” is fuelling an epidemic of health anxiety, with one in five NHS appointments taken up by hyperchondriacs and those with irrational fears, experts have warned.’

Cyberchrondia is the modern digital equivalent of hyperchondria that is a fear of illness often morbidly so. Usually seen as delusional, often accompanied by the hysterical development of physical symptoms that are dismissed by the doctor or therapist. Sadly I see, on a regular basis, those with genuine symptoms and concerns ignored by their physician, who suspect them of hyperchondria, only to go on and develop full blown and, sometimes, fatal disease.

If the statistics are true and that twenty percent of NHS time is wasted, the money spent looking after people who are not ill we have a problem…. But, just hold on a minute, maybe we have this wrong and we do have a problem, just not the one that we think we have.

What takes these people to the doctor in the first place?
Why would someone invest so much of their time and energy in worrying about being ill? Ok, so maybe they do not have a physical medical issue but they certainly do have a issue. It is called anxiety.

In my discipline of psychotherapy we recognise that around 60% of those visiting a general practitioner/physician have an anxiety issues rather than a physical problem. We also know that when patients do have a genuine physical issue it is often exacerbated through their anxiety and concerns.

This does not mean that these people are wasting NHS time because they do not have a issues, they very much do have an issue it is called ‘Health Anxiety’.

Health Anxiety
All forms of anxiety happen when the consciousness of the individual is projected into their future. They are not living in their present. Fear of flying, is not fear of flying it is fear of crashing, fear of heights is fear of falling and so on.

You need a good imagination
Any anxiety can be defined as the person projecting into the future and imagining things that may never happen and then living those fears in the present as though they are actually happening right now. The better the person imagination the more intense their anxiety. You cannot be anxious without a good imagination. The person with health anxiety is using their imagination to assume and fear the worst and living those fears in the present as if they are true.

Often phobias and anxiety fears run side by side. So that health anxiety can lead to many phobic reactions and changes in behaviour to avoid a supposed or suspected illness or infection. Because of this health anxiety is often accompanied by obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), the obsessive recitation of actions or thoughts. In reality the need to visit and revisit the internet to Google symptoms and diseases is also a form of OCD.

Symptom substitution
The problem for these people is not that it is ‘health anxiety’ it is simply that they have ‘anxiety’ disorder. When someone has learned the habit of anxiety, living a supposed future in the present, the anxiety will attach itself to whatever is the latest focus of their attention. So, now it just happens to be health. If we resolve this obsession with health the anxiety will simply attach itself to something else. So, now we have fear of flying followed by fear of nuclear war, followed by fear of losing a job, followed fear of becoming homeless. The attachments made by anxiety can go anywhere on an endless list of possibilities.

This is a real problem
This is not a fantasy. For the sufferer it is very real. It is not something where you can tell the person to pull themselves together and just stop worrying. From my experience as a therapist, and from what I read, anxiety is a developing and increasing problem. We can see from these statistics from the NHS and from the information form the office of national statistics (ONS) that amount of hours and days lost to sickness absence due to anxiety is a growing problem. So, if we are to solve the problem the question is why is it developing and what can we do about it?

Life style changes
The person that was, just a few generations ago, driving a horse and cart is now flying a jumbo jet. The world has changed, we have not. In the preindustrial, pre-urban society we ate what we could grow, foods that were in season and our expectations were less. With industrialisation and production comes choice and we now know that choice is stressful. Research shows us that if, when we are in the supermarket, we have a choice of one hundred different types of cheese, this in itself creates stress for us. If the choice is limited to less that ten types of cheese the stress is much less. Think of the level of choices that we all have in all parts of our life. More choice, more decision making, more opportunity to get it wrong, the more stress.

From the moment you wake to the moment that you arrive at work or school you will have processed more information than your great grandparents would have processed in several months. Life and news is instantaneous. Most of us are contumely connected. WE cannot escape and simply relax.

Longevity
With improved living standards, nutrition and medication has come a longer life. In the UK we are looking at female death age in the mid nineties and men in the late eighties. In one sense with more time has come more anxiety. Also with longer life has come more disease. Illnesses that a few generations ago people would simply not have lived long enough to get have now become common place. We probably all know someone who has had cancer. We are now told that 50% of us will get cancer. However, we also told that the majority of us will survive it. The message that we focus on will depend on our anxiety. Those with anxiety disorder are likely to hear “50% of us will get cancer”. Those without anxiety disorder are likely to hear “most of us will survive it”. There are other aspect of potential anxiety related to longevity such as pensions, financial support and care homes etc.

Expectation
Along with increased life has come increased expectation. Expectation of wealth and consumerism, an expectation of things, of stuff. Many are no longer prepared to save before they purchase they rely on credit. Just like anxiety, credit gives us a way to experience the potential future in the present. From car loans and mortgages to credit cards and store cards we live the future in the present. It is then that we experience the pressure, the anxiety of having to pay it all off. The average UK household currently has about £12,887.00 of unsecured credit, that is before mortgages and car loans. (ONS)

Media
The development of expectation is fuelled by the media, advertising and marketing. It serves to convince us that we need things that we have never known about before. The new phone that appears every eighteen months, the lasted model of car, fashion, bags, shoes and consumables. For many fashion equals stress as we are convinced of those things that we just must have.

News
Alongside media is the news that is broadcast at us every hour of the day. News rarely or never tells us anything that is good, rather it fires up the fears and anxieties of the listeners. News is never balanced. News is about all that is bad and all the bad that will happen. It feeds our fear and anxiety, it creates anxiety. The news feeds about all the immigrants that would be wrecking Britain if we did not leave Europe, the madness of North Korea and Donald Trump. It really is, pick your fear and the news media will run with it and feed it until it fizzles out. They will be onto the next great fear. I detect a fear change. The fear of Europe appears to be changing slowly into a fear of Brexit. Whatever will be next, perhaps Facebook will tell us?

Internet
That leads us into the internet and Google that does everything from misdiagnosing our symptoms, to making us envious of those wonderful lives that we see on Facebook and Instagram, to wanting products from Amazon and other online markets.

Technology
But, we must not forget our need for the devices that allow us to play with the internet. Phones, tablets, laptops, desktops, smart TVs. I wonder what device you are using to read this on? As I write the news feeds are telling me about the impending iOS 11 and the new iPhone that is rumoured to cost $1000.00.

Strangely the word ‘chondria’ comes from the Greek meaning cartilage. So hyper would infer an over focussing on the inner tissues hence the medical connection. If we take chondria, in a modern sense to mean “what we focus upon” Cyberchondria makes sense.

Take care and be happy and whatever your individual chondria try and make it a positive one.

Sean x

TSHP222: What can I eat to help me sleep?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Sleep and food. Two of our favourite things. They’re separate right? Wrong! We might all know that having a strong coffee before isn’t a great idea but what else can we do to make sure we sleep well and wake up ready to hit the ground running?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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222: Sleep – foods that can make it restful?

As we slip into autumn and winter approaches, as the seasons change so do our circadian body rhythms and for many that will mean a change in both our eating and sleeping pattern. Just as with jet lag our bodies need to adjust to this seasonal change in light and temperature and the shortened length of light in the day. In some jobs this will mean going into work in the dark and coming out of work into the dark. The lack of sunlight reduces the level of vitamin D in our system that leads to a drop in the level of serotonin, the happy hormone, in our brains. So, now we have the winter blues and SAD syndrome. Many mammals, at this time of year, choose to hibernate, to go to sleep and wait it out until the spring and the increased sunlight. But we, rightly or wrongly, just keep going. At a point where we should probably be doing less, resting more and huddling by the fire we continue those twelve hour shifts. In reality we need more sleep in the dark months, usually much more than we allow ourselves to have. In recent years with the development of neuropsychology we understand more and more the importance of sleep to our emotional and psychological health. So, what can we do to improve the sleep that we do have and minimise the possibility of the blues or depression?

(well worth a read)

Foods that inhibit good sleep

Caffeine, in all it’s forms from fizzy drinks to coffee and even tea, has a half-life of 5 hours: which means that 10 hours after drinking your coffee, 25% left in your system; and 20 hours later 12.5% of the caffeine still remains. And, we wonder why caffeine can be so addictive. So, while an early afternoon coffee as a post-lunch pick-me-up may seem like a good idea, it might be what is keeping you up at night.

1: Reduce your intake of caffeine

Alcohol is Britains favourite relaxant. Many people, at the end of a hard day go home and pop a cork as compensation and when they have had a good day they go home and pop a cork as a point of celebration. Either way it still affects our sleep. It may make us drowsy but the sleep that we do have becomes disturbed and we can wake feeling more tired than when we went to bed.

2: Limit your alcohol intake and when you do drink observe the affect that it has on your sleep and you performance on the next day

Chocolate, particularly dark chocolate, can contain high levels of caffeine and thus needs to be treated similarly to coffee and other caffeinated beverages. How many people believe that a nice hot chocolate before bed will improve their sleep? Well, actually it makes it worse. If you look back to number one you will see that the effects of the chocolate that you consume can be effecting you hours after you have forgotten about it.

3: In general try to avoid chocolate and any kind of sweets in the evening, it will not only improve your sleep but your overall health as well

Spicy Foods: Capsaicin – the molecule which gives your spicy foods that kick – can cause changes in body temperature that can cause a disturbance in your circadian rhythms if consumed late at night. Obviously being hot at night can keep you awake and those effects can be heightened during menstrual cycles and menopause.

4: Avoid hot or spicy foods as an evening meal especially if you have any reflux issues or more general indigestion

High-Refined-Fat-Foods: Ever since I was a child I was told that if I ate cheese at night it would give me nightmares. Well maybe it did not do that but it did disturb my sleep. We all know that certain unhealthy (aka. refined and trans) fats negatively impact our health; but there’s also evidence that they may be keeping you up at night.
Animal studies have shown that high-fat diets are associated with more fragmented sleep, along with excessive daytime sleepiness. Researchers speculate that this may be linked to the neuro-chemical orexin — which plays an integral role in our sleep-wake cycles.

5: Avoid refined fats and that includes fast food, but if you must do it during the day

Foods that promote good sleep

Magnesium and potassium: One of the symptoms of magnesium deficiency is insomnia, so you’ll want to load up on healthy sources of this mineral such as leafy greens, beans and lentils, and bananas. Magnesium and potassium promote muscle relaxation, and thus not only help you feel more comfortable but can help deal with nighttime leg cramps. Other foods in the category include potatoes, squash, yoghurt, fish, avocados and mushrooms.

1: If you want to snack in the evening try eating a banana

Tryptophan is an amino-acid found in both animal and plant proteins. Our bodies use tryptophan to create serotonin, a neurotransmitter involved in both mood regulation and sleep.

Many foods are great natural sources of tryptophan, such as milk, bananas, peanut butter and walnuts. Now, I don’t drink dairy milk but nut milks are a fabulous substitute.

2: Milk, milk substitutes and foods containing Tryptophan will enhance your sleep

B vitamins are essential for both the synthesis and release of certain neurotransmitters and hormones in your brain that are part of the sleep-wake cycle: these include serotonin and melatonin.
Supplements are often prescribed to treat conditions such as restless leg syndrome, a nighttime movement disorder which significantly disrupts sleep.

However, if your diet is right there’s no need to take a supplement. You can get your fill from legumes (chick peas), dark green vegetables, whole grains and fish.

3: Review your diet and check that your vitamin B requirements are being met

Theanine is yet another useful amino acid when it comes to treating sleep disorders. Research has shown that administering a theanine supplement improves sleep quality and increases sleep efficiency, while decreasing nighttime awakenings.
There is one superfood packed with theanine: Green tea. However, while green tea has significantly less caffeine than a cup of tea, it is recommended to opt for the decaffeinated kind if your goal is a good night’s sleep.

4: Green tea has many benefits

If you have ever had jet lag it is your melatonin that has gone out of sync. It is naturally produced by your pineal gland under direction of your circadian rhythms and is what makes us feel sleepy as we near bedtime. It usually begins to release around 9 p.m. and remains at a high level for the next 12 hours, throughout the night into the next morning.

While there are certain foods that contain melatonin, you can also purchase this essential sleep-inducing hormone in capsules in the USA at your local pharmacy or health food store and may also be available in the UK. Taken at the right time of day, and in the right dosage, melatonin supplements can help reset your biological clock to optimal levels and is often used as a natural treatment for sleep disorders.
However, you don’t need to take supplements: simply add tart fruits, like cherries and pineapples, to your diet. Oats, walnuts and bananas are likewise great natural sources of melatonin.

5: Adding tart fruits and some nuts to your diet will improve your sleep

Be mindful in what you choose and fingers crossed a good nights sleep and sweet dreams will follow.

Take care

Sean x