TSHP186: The 12 Days of Kindness

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What’s Coming This Episode?

300x250_1It’s been a crazy old year for Planet Earth. What do Sean and Ed think would go a long way to healing some fairly big wounds? Why, kindness of course!

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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12 Days of Kindness

Ed and I had been reading the Happy Newspaper and we came across the article on “The 12 days of kindness”. I love this play on ideas of the twelve days of Christmas. In the Christian Cannon the twelve days started with the feast of Stephen on December 27th. If you remember…

Good Kind Wenceslas looked out on the feast of Stephen“.

The. Twelve days went to January 6th, the day when the three wise men turned up in Bethlehem to visit Jesus bearing their gifts. So we went through these twelve days and maybe we all should. Perhaps even extend it to 365 day of kindness.

The song or hymn “The Twelve Days of Christmas” was designed to teach the Christian faith to younger people. The interpretation of the exact meaning of each day, the numbers and the gifts vary but in general were used as a mnemonics to aid both memory and learning. So, “on the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me”, it assumes to be True love = God, the Me = you the receiver of the gifts and the gifts are the message of Christianity in symbolic form.

Well, if the Christmas is about living a positive giving and happy life and the message of renewal and new beginnings, perhaps we could each create our own message, of twelve days or twelve steps. It would seem probable that the original pre-Christian festival was the solstice on December 21st which is the longest night and the shortest day of the year, after that the world gets brighter or the day gets longer. Whatever your belief structure or basis my suggestion for twelve days of Mindfulness would be to use the following as topics to meditate, and to then act on. As when doing the ten steps course some things you cannot act upon but you can clear the negativity out of yourself and allow the light into your darkness.

Some of these meditations may lead to action and you may need to keep a pen and paper by you so that you can list any actions that you might need to take. You might simply want to record what you are feeling after each meditation. Ideally each meditation would last for thirty minutes or more.

1: Forgiveness
Using this day to meditate on forgiving all those that have done you wrong. A time to let go of everyone and everything that you are holding any negative energy about. in your meditation allow the people or events to come before you and actively and consciously let them go.

2: Self forgiveness
Using this day to meditate on being honest with yourself about anything or anyone that you have wronged and might need to apologise to. As with day one bring those people or events before you and actively and consciously apologise and let them go.

3: Gratitude
Use today’s meditation to review all the positive things, events and people who have influenced your life and bring them before you. Actively thank them for what they have done or who they are and openly feel the positive emotions of gratitude and thankfulness.

3: Live in the present
In today’s meditation review your life as it is right now, all the people, all the situations that make up your life as it is right now. As you observe your life pay attention to how it feels. Do you need to change it? If yes, then what do you need to do? This might be a time to make a list.

4: Who are you?
Today in your meditation take a look at how you see yourself? What is your level of self esteem? Do you love yourself? It is important to remember that they way that you see yourself is a learned habit and if you don’t like the way that you see yourself then you have the ability to change and create a new you that would serve you well.

5: Creating change
In today’s meditation consider that if you were to create the ‘you’ that you would like to be what would you need to change? This might mean job, location, attitudes, relationships. What would you change and how would you change it?

6: Creating an intention
Today meditate on if you make the changes that you considered yesterday where is your life going? What do you intend to do with this gift of life? If you were at a birthday ten or twenty years hence and someone is giving speech about what it is that you have done and achieved what would you like to be hearing? What would they be saying? Having completed this meditation you might like to write the speech yourself.

7: Making a plan
Today meditate on how you will put your idea into effect. To put anything into effect requires a plan. A plan does not need to be fixed, but it sets you off in the right direction. A plan is a map that can be varied and changed according to need. For most of us it is the lack of a plan that keeps us trapped and immobile. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Many of us fail to progress because we do not plan, we simply have an intention as a fanciful idea that we will do one day. The plan that never happens.

8: Resource you plan
Today meditate on what you will need to bring your plan into action. What resources do you need to get your plan into action? This may be a practical thing like equipment or supplies. It might be that you need knowledge, advice, or information. It may be that you need the help and support of others perhaps as a mentor. You may need forms of energy like money. Most importantly becomes the awareness of other people who may have done something similar to what you want to do. There is no need to reinvent the wheel, don’t waste your time doing what other people have done before. Try to learn from others mistakes.

9: Check it out
Today meditate on how you might try your idea/project. This is research. Traditionally this would be a focus group or test group. Your idea might require other ways to test it. How can you try out your plan? Once you try it out see how it works and decide how you can adjust it or fine tune it?

10: Time for live action
Today meditate on how you will present your idea/project. This is the step prior to the actual enactment of your idea/project. It might mean organising a launch or a presentation. Who will you announce it to? Who will come to your event, what do you want them to get from it? What will happen next?

11: Feedback
Today meditate on the reaction to your launch. What have you learned? How can you increase the effectiveness of your project/idea.

12: Reality
Today is the reality test. If during the last twelve days you have used contemplation and visualisation to consider who you are, where you are, have you considered what it will take to get you from where you are to where you need to be and have taken your self through a plan of how to get there, you will now be ready to begin the process of change.

Realistic change takes at least ninety days and it may be that each of these mediations need to be done for one week or even for one month. Overall the only thing that will ensure that you achieve what you want is to be persistent and consistent and to never, never, never, give up.

Take care, have a fabulous 2017.

Sean x

TSHP185: Christmas without the gadgets

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What’s Coming This Episode?

300x250_1Christmas has changed quite a bit through the years but it’s roots remain. It’s the perfect time to forget about work, settle down and spend some time with the folks we love. In this week’s show Sean and Ed reminisce about their favourite games to play – ditch those gadgets guys!

Happy Christmas! Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

  • Sean recommended to many games to summarise here!
  • Ed played Cards Against Humanity once and loved (warning: may cause massive offence)

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Christmas games

I had one of those “what did you do when you were a child…?”, conversations. I was talking with a newly recruited nurse. She was from Spain and we were talking about Christmas. She was explaining that as children they were not given their Christmas presents until January the 6th, it is said to be the day that the three wise men arrived bearing their gifts to the birth place of Jesus in Bethlehem. This giving of presents is known as ‘Fiesta de Los tres Reyes Mages’.

I was interested in what they did in the time between Christmas Eve and January the sixth. “We played games” she said. A tale unfolded of the various games the family would play together. She explained the importance of family and family values in their tradition and how people would travel for miles to bring gifts and make visits. She talked with starry eyes about the gatherings of the extended family. Then she told me about how much she missed it all.

That got me thinking about my own childhood Christmas’s and the games that we played. I’ll not dive into my father stuff other than to say that in the period between when he was merry to when he lost it he could be amusing and even fun, though I would tend to stand back and avoid him as much as possible.

There were two types of games that I remember. There were those that were played with the adults and those that were exclusively for us children. The thing that struck me looking back was how we did actually play and interact with each other. The television had limited channels and was not, other than the Queens’s speech, the centre of the day and we played games. These days many games are solitary affairs conducted by an individual and a screen.

Anyway, all this got me thinking about the games that we played and how simple they were but also how we rolled around laughing our heads off. All of these games would seem ridiculous to children today but, maybe some game time at Christmas could be good for us all. It is a way of letting off steam and family bonding. Here are some of the mad things that we would play as kids…

The Laughing Game
Aim: Try not to laugh
1. All players sit in a circle
2. Each player takes it in turns to say “Ha”, “Ho” or “Hee”.
3. The first player to start laughing loses and is out of the game.
4. Continue until everyone is out of the game.
5. The person who manages not to laugh for the longest is the winner.

I have been to laughter workshops since and they do work, just as this game does. The reality for us was that we never got to the end because we would all end up laughing until the tears rolled down our faces.

There were two games when we were blindfolded, which was something I found a bit scary…

Blind Man’s Buff

A blindfold player tries to catch others while being pushed about by them.

Squeak Piggy Squeak

Everyone sits as quietly as possible. The blindfolded person sits on someone’s lap and says “squeak piggy squeak” where upon they squeak and the blindfolded person tries to guess who they are.

Card Games
There were loads of card games from Snap to Rummy and Chase the Ace. I think I will get a pack of cards for Christmas and see if we can get some games going.

Board Games
and board games like Snakes and Ladders, Ludo, Cluedo, and for the more serious Drafts and Chess. Later there came the oddities like ‘Nine Man’s Morris’ and ‘Chinese Checkers’.

Kim’s Game
Ed likes this one. In his version an adult brings in a tray with various objects on it. These have to be memorised by the players. The adult leaves the room and removes on object from the tray and brings the tray back into the room. The players have to guess what is missing.

Acting out games
Things like Charades, when people have to guess what you are acting out, were always very funny and sometimes mind boggling. There are variations on this theme now when people do things like you have a label stuck on your forehead that you can’t see while everyone else has to act out whatever is in the label until you guess what it is.

Talking
When we got older we played some talking games such as Limericks. The first person would start the Limerick “There once was a lady from …..” the next person would provide the next line, and so on, until we got to the end. These were usually very funny and often very rude.

Running about
If the weather was good we would do some running around outside games. These could be anything from Tag to Snowballs and when there was enough snow building a snowman.

Of course if we were lucky enough to be given a present with wheels may be a bike or roller skates we would be out on the streets of the council estate playing, while the envious kids looked on. Sadly I’m mainly in the envious mob watching the posh kids that got everything that we didn’t. There would be years when things like Hula hoops would have a resurgence and it would seem that the whole world had become Hula crazy. One year there were clicker balls, two ball on ropes that you clack above and below your hand. This was ok unless you got your hands caught and clacked your knuckles, very painful.

Anyway, all this got me thinking about how we do not do as much together as we once did and the importance of building family and maintaining family relationships and friendships through simple interaction. Playing games gives us a good chance, and opportunity to just have fun and be silly.

Whether you are celebrating Christmas, the winter solstice, or just creating some light in the dark depth of winter make it fun, play and enjoy it.

Be happy

Sean x

TSHP184: The Future of Human Memory

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What’s Coming This Episode?

300x250_1Our brains are changing. They always have been of course, but over the past 100 years, and more specifically the last 10 years have changed the game BIG TIME. What do these changes mean for us now and in the years ahead?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

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The Future of Memory

This week podcast was inspired by a recent research project being carried out at Southern California University. Theodore Berger is developing an extension to the brains memory. In the research, prosthetic implants were connected into the brains of the research subjects. These implants became an extension of the hippocampus. The Hippocampus is the section of the brain where memories are stored.

The implication of the research is, if a person’s memories can be all stored on a memory stick could they then be transferred to someone else’s brain and then experienced as though they were their natural memories? A bit like cut and paste.

Is a memory emotional or factual?
Ed and I got talking about what is a memory. Is a memory factual information or does a memory include emotions. So, when we remember something are we remembering factual information or an emotional interpretation of what was experienced?

The more I think about it the more I realise that memories are emotional not factual. I am reminded about a memory of my father that changed when my sister gave me extra information.

One day, as a preschool child, I opened the kitchen door to see my father backhand me eldest sister across the room. She hit the wall hard and, with her spectacles askew, slid down the wall onto her bottom. I ran and hid under my bed. For me I just experienced my father having another emotionally violent outburst and I was so scared of him I shook with terror.

Information changes memory
Many years later, when I was staying with my sister, we were talking about our father and what problems we had all had with him. I retold the above story, offering it as an example of what a shit he was. My sister laughed. She then explained that what had really happened was that she had been at the cooker and had pulled a pan of boiling water towards her that, as I opened the door, was in the process of falling off the cooker. My father had, energetically, pushed her out of the path of the falling water saving her from a serious scalding.

The effect of this information was that my emotional connection changed. Previously this had been a negative memory proving my own prejudices about my father. The new information now made me review that memory and move it from the negative file to the positive file.

We all see the world from our own point of view
Because we all view the world through our own coloured glasses, that filter holds our prejudices and beliefs; we are all subject to the changing experience as our emotions develop with our life learning.

Regret is seldom productive
Sometimes, when we review memories, we blame or beat ourselves up for things that we either did, or didn’t, do. When we do this we are acknowledging that our emotional connections to that memory have now developed or changed. It is often a case of, “if I knew then what I know now…” I would have acted differently. Yet the reality is that if we were back in the same situation with the same emotional and mental resources we would make the same decisions because that was what made sense to us at that time. The residue of the changing emotional attachments to specific memories can be experienced in the present as regret, loss, guilt and so on, even when these feelings were never there at the time.

Memory is selective
When we remember the past we are selective due to our needs in the current moment. Say, for example, if a gang of us are sat around talking about funny times then we all begin to remember or recall funny events that we can then begin to share. If on the other hand we begin to talk about sad, angry, courageous or whatever situation our memory mechanism selectively recall memories that fit with the current conversation in the present moment.

Sensory smell
Recall can be triggered by sensory input such as smell, taste, touch, vision, colour, and so on. Pieces of music, paintings, views and scenes can have the same effect. When we become aware of the way that we view these memories we begin to see that our connections between these sensory inputs and memory are really emotional.

The bias of memory
I guess that last thing that raps it up for memory and the biased way that we experience the world. If a group of people witness the same event and then afterwards are asked to describe what they have experienced then their descriptions will vary, often quite a lot.

So, if we were to transfer the factual memories held in the hippocampus from one person to another we might be able to share what was experienced by our senses but we would never be sharing the emotional feeling that are connected to those memories. The person who received our memories would, in their turn, overlay their own emotions and feelings on those memories. There fore their interpretations would be completely different to ours.

On that basis I suggest that this research project is destined to fail. What do you think?

Take care, and remember to be happy

Sean x

Information Overload

Consider this: the same brain that was used 200 years ago to drive a horse and cart is now flying a jumbo jet. The same brain that went out into the field to harvest the crops, is now using computer technology. Today our brains are processing more information in a week than than they did in a lifetime 200 years ago. The world has changed, but have we?

Moore’s Law
In the 1950s “Moore’s Law” stated that computing power would double every two years. It has done so, and more, since then. What this has meant for us is that we have more and more information to deal with. Computers now exist not just in our watches, phones, tablets and desk tops, they are in our cars, heating systems, vacuum cleaners and virtually every appliance in our house. With this surge of information comes information overload. Just how much can we deal with?

Brains evolve slowly
We are continually told that we only use ten percent of our brains capacity and that we should be multi tasking like it is a breeze. The reality is that we have chosen to make our lives much more complex than they should or need to be. We have all done and we all continue to do it. With the amount of information that we take on each day we create more and more problems for ourselves because we keep needing to make more decisions. We believe that we need to know and perhaps we do not. It is good to be informed about life and the news but we do not have to be inundated. In the end it is easy to just become confused by it all.

Messages and emails
If you consider the amount of emails and messages that we all get. Often the message comes from some one who could have simply told you what they wanted you to know but they are now in the habit of sending it as a message. They might be in the same office and perhaps a generation ago they would have called across the office to keep you informed. The fact that they now send a message is often described as a ‘paper trail’ so that we can now show and prove what we have done and what we are doing. Seems strange that we now have a stress level that comes about the feeling that we need to cover our own backs to keep our selves safe.

Inbox full
When I take time out for a weeks holiday I often come back to an inbox with hundreds of messages waiting for me, most of which needs to be binned. The cost in business and organisations of the need to email is colossal, and often unnecessary.

Short term memory loss
The funny think is that when we are getting red eyes, tired and irritable we often think that we are doing a good job and being productive. In the main we are not. When we have to deal with so much information we become stuck like a rabbit caught in the headlights. We become inert unsure of what action to take. The other thing is that we can only hold so much information in our short term memory before we begin to lose it and appear forgetful. It is estimated that when we are in over load that we could be loosing over 60% of the information that we are trying to retain.

We may appear to others to be losing the plot, or be developing dementia, we may even believe that ourselves. Many people will say to me “I think I am going bonkers. I go up the stairs to get something and then when I get there I cannot remember why I came up here. I than have to go back down stairs to remember and then climb the stairs a second time”.

Accepting that various medications, or raging hormones will effect our ability to remember the major cause of memory loss is anxiety, stress and overload. One thing to remember is that when a lot of information is coming at you, one bit after another, it can be hard to retain every piece of information.

How do you know when enough becomes too much?
Your mind-brain works like your computer. You have an inbox, this is your short term memory. You have a filter that decides ‘is this relevant to me?’ When it decides that it is relevant it passes the information over into storage, this is your long term memory. The problem is that your short term memory can only hold a limited amount of information, around seven items. If these are not processed and passed to our long term memory they begin to fall out and are lost. You have already taken in too much information and the system has been overloaded.

Slowdown
You might feel that it is easy for me to suggest this and that the needs and requirements of your life make this idea impossible. So lets have a look at it.

Simplification
How can you simplify your life both at work and at home to reduce the amount of decisions that you need to make everyday? This may require planning and reorganisation but we are talking about long term gain here and your ongoing wellbeing.

De-clutter
There are many schools of psychology that encourage you to minimise your possessions and make your life easier and less cluttered. Many philosophies would say that if you have not used something for a year then you don’t need it so get rid of it. When you declutter your home or your desk you declutter your mind and make it more likely that you will remember things and de-stress your mind and emotions.

Steps one, two and three
Go to the Live In The Present book and complete the first three steps and create more space and less stress in your mind, brain, emotions and body

Mindfulness
Get some mindfulness in your life. Meditate, relax do some yoga, exercise, walk.

Go native
Try having time when you go off line. No phone, no mobile, no internet, no TV, no radio, just you. Give it a go and see what it is like to simply be and not do. Create a space where nobody wants anything and nobody needs anything and simply relax.

Create distance between you and stressors
Once you have cleared your head keep it clear. Distance your self from stressful people and stressful situations. Limit the amount of news that you listen to.

Over all do an audit of where your life is up to and, if you need to, change it.

Take care, be happy and enjoy some under load for a change.

Sean x

TSHP183: How to Conquer Information Overload

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What’s Coming This Episode?

300x250_1Consider this: the same brain that was used 200 years ago to drive a horse and cart is now flying a jumbo jet. The same brain that went out into the field to harvest the crops, is now using computer technology. Today our brains are processing more information in a week than than they did in a lifetime 200 years ago. The world has changed, but have we?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

Stay in Touch

We’re all over the web, so feel free to stay in touch:

Leave us an Honest Review on iTunes

We’d be amazingly grateful if you could leave us a review on iTunes. It will really help us to build our audience. So, if your like what you hear (and would like to hear more great free content) then visit our iTunes page and leave us an honest review (all feedback gratefully received!).

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TSHP182: Should I Boost or Tame my Ego?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

300x250_1Ego is a funny thing. Those with a ‘huge ego’ tend to be viewed negatively. But what is ego? A sense of self confidence? Perhaps it can be a force for good…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

Stay in Touch

We’re all over the web, so feel free to stay in touch:

Leave us an Honest Review on iTunes

We’d be amazingly grateful if you could leave us a review on iTunes. It will really help us to build our audience. So, if your like what you hear (and would like to hear more great free content) then visit our iTunes page and leave us an honest review (all feedback gratefully received!).

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If you saw me the way that I see me…

If you saw me the way that I see me then you would understand who I am. A good phrase but the problem is do I see myself clearly, any clearer than you do? The truth is that I am biased and deluded about who I am. My self-image or ego may not be true or accurate.

Ego = The way that I see me
Personality = The way that you see me

This is my definition of the words ‘Ego” and “personality”. The way I see me may be different to the way that you see me. On the ‘Self Discovery Programme’ I use the example of..

“I see me as six foot six bronzed, dark and muscular, how do you see me?”

At this point they mainly all laugh because I am about five foot six, could do with a dose in the sun and have grey to white hair. Yet, we all have an inner image of ourself that includes self-esteem, persona, our beliefs in our skills and qualities that may be at odds with how others see us.

When I was playing in bands one of the guitarists, who was the meanest man on the planet, described himself as ‘generous’ and was deeply offended by the rest of us laughing until we cried. His ego, his internal image, was different to the personality, his external image that we all saw.

Once when playing in bands, it was a while ago, a man strolled onto the dance floor. He had cuban heeled boots, a white suit with a black shirt split to the waist, and a large golden medallion around his neck with a hairy chest. By his swagger and the look on his face you could tell that he thought he was pretty cool and was completely confident in himself. He did not notice the sniggers of both the band and audience as he began to strut his stuff. Outwardly he looked a prat but inwardly he felt like a sex god.

Have you ever bounced down the road, on a sunny day, feeling really good about who you are? You are relaxed, all is right with the world and the spring in your step comes from you feeling good. Suddenly you pass a shop window and see, in the reflection, that you look a mess, your hair is all over the place, makeup has run, skirt tucked into your knickers. Then comes the realisation that all those smiles that you had interpreted as smiles of shared joy at the wonder of the world were really people amused at the crazy looking you. Suddenly the inner ego image is popped and deflates and you no longer feel good and you loose that wonderful sense that, just a few minutes ago, was flooding your being.

We all have an ego, we all have an image of who we are, that may vary from the personality that others see. It could be that you see yourself as ugly while others see your good looks, as fat when others see you as well proportioned or slim, as stupid when others see you as clever and so on.

I am biased
The way that I see me is biased. It comes from the paradigm that I have built up since the moment of my birth to explain the world and how I fit in it. You only need to talk to a few people to realise that we are all biased about ourself, and many to the point of being delusional. If you sit in a room with twenty people and ask them how they experience you their perception of you is as biased as your perception of you. However, if my perception is that I am six’s foot six bronzed and muscular and they do not experience me like that then the chances are that they are right and I am wrong.

The power of feedback
On many of my courses there are feedback sessions when participants get the opportunity to see themselves through the eyes of the other people in the group. Feedback is a gift even when it feels difficult because it is as odds with my own ego image. To truly understand myself I would need to line up the entire population of the world and get them to parade pass me one at time saying…”Sean the way I experience you is…”

The balance point
When I see me the way that you see me and when I see you the way you see you then we are in balance and have let go of the bias. True communication (Common union) only comes about with a clarity of visions and understanding. Up to that point my bias will interpret your words and action to fit my ego image of myself. If I feel that I have done something wrong I will hear your words, whatever they are, as confirming that. To hear anything else requires that I make an ego shift and realise my own bias.

The Trump Effect
In Britain the word ‘Ego’ is often confused with arrogance. When we see characters like Donald Trump, who has none of the reserve of the British but, who prefers to blow his own trumpet and tell everyone just how good he is then many of us are repelled. Such behaviour is seen as bigheadedness, arrogance and being up your own …

The Ego As A Powerful Tool
If we think of the ego as a tool that enables us to do work, we can begin to see it as a powerful thing. When an engineer puts a power rating on an engine they are describing it’s ability to do work. The ego when seen in this way is a good thing it enables and energises us to do what needs to be done.

The size of an ego
Ego’s, generally, describe how I see me but what is the extent of me? Egos include possessions that may be material, might include money, certainly include power and influence and may even include other people. This can be a good or a bad thing.

Bhakti
Bhakti means to serve others unconditionally with no personal reward or need for ego recognition. Mother Theresa of Calcutta was a nun who looked after the poor of Calcutta. Her ego was so large that it included all the poor so that she treated them as she would herself, they were her. She was Bhakti. Her ego may well have been larger that the ego of people like Trump who are not Bhakti.

In Bhakti the person has their ego behind them as a power pack pushing them forward that allows them to complete their work for the good of themselves and also for others. These people work with great energy, power and determination.

An egotist is someone who has their ego out front and in the way, creating problems and insensitively often mindlessly hurting others. Bhaktis have sensitive emotions and empathy egotists have a lack of sensitivity and empathy. Bhakti = Mindfulness, Egotism = mindlessness.

Confidence and self-esteem
To be confident is not being big headed. To love your self and have positive self esteem is not being arrogant. To assert you own point of view is not being aggressive. To accept praise, presents and to enjoy your success is the positive expression of your ego. To boast about your success, to look down on others and to treat others as less than you is the negative side of the ego.

To have a good honest and positive ego that works well for us all is a positive thing and should be nurtured and encouraged in us all. When you can look yourself in the eyes in your bathroom mirror and tell yourself that you love you, that’s not arrogance it is positive self esteem.

Be happy and enjoy who you are.
Take care

Sean x