TSHP168: Disappointment Revisited

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What’s Coming This Episode?

A listener messaged in asking us to revisit the subject of disappointment. We had looked at the subject in episode 159 and tended to focus around the hot topic of the EU and the potential, whatever the outcome, for half the population to be disappointed.

This time we’re going a bit more personal (too much politics last time out!)…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Disappointment Revisited

A listener messaged in asking us to revisit the subject of disappointment. We had looked at the subject in episode 159 and tended to focus around the hot topic of the EU and the potential, whatever the outcome, for half the population to be disappointed.

The request here was to look at the effects of more personal disappointments. For example what happens when the job interview doesn’t go so well or we feel let down in other areas of life? This raises the issue of competition and the idea of winners and losers, often seen as the survival of the fittest. The reality is that in a competitive world disappointment is just a fact of life. You can’t have one without the other.

But there are alternatives – You can’t be disappointed without your permission.
To be disappointed you first have to buy into the concept of wining and losing, of gain and loss. These concepts involve the separation of ‘us’ and ‘them’ or ‘you’ and ‘me’. For ‘me’ to win or succeed ‘you’ have to lose or fail’. If ‘we’ win ‘they’ lose. These tribal separations are the seed of all conflict and war be it religious, sexual, ideological, sectarian, ethnic or whatever. It all involves ‘you’ and ‘me’, ‘us’ and ‘them’ concepts that lead to ‘have’ and ‘have not’, ‘success’ and ‘failure’.

In the personal sense for ‘me’ to succeed at the interview and get the job ‘you’ will be disappointed. On the other hand if ‘you’ get the job then ‘I’ will be disappointed. Unless we begin to see this process of winning and losing in a different way. Perhaps these things that I identify as disappointments are actually good things.

My own assumption is that the universe is not out to get me and that the things that I am presented with are for my own growth and development. I am not a fatalist I believe in free will but I do get the law of attraction and see that the things that happen to me do so because they are meaningful to me and my level of development. I see the same things as true for you also. In this way nothing is ever bad. It is my response to what happens that labels it good or bad.

What if I didn’t get the job because, in the greater scheme of things, it would have been damaging to me or the wrong direction for me, held me back and not allowed me to develop to even greater things? If this were the case the fact that I didn’t get the job should be a focus of celebration and thanks not of disappointment and loss.

To be disappointed assumes…

1: Expectation. This is craving, my demand for the outcome that my ego seeks. When we project forward in expectation of outcomes, be they good or bad, we are firing up our anxiety circuits. Learning to see the things that happen in life not as problems but as learning opportunities means anxiety dissolves. If you consider that the human race has survived because we each have this amazing problem solving ability that, should we need it, will come to our aid and solve whatever the issue is that we are faced with.

We don’t have problems we have learning opportunities.

2: Loss. This is attachment, my inability to let go of my feelings of possession for things, people, events or the belief of what I see as ‘mine’. It could be that I saw the job as ‘mine’ before I went to the interview. This attachment to the past creates depression. When we feel the loss or bereavement for what was, or for what might have been we often ruminate. When this happens the rumination keeps it alive, so that many years after an event it can still feel like it is live action as though it has just happened.

When we learn to let go we overcome depression and stop projecting into the future we can live in the present. In the present, in the now there can never be any disappointment because there is no attachment to the past and there is no carving for the future. The trick to living in the present is gratitude. The following is attributed to Buddha.

Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn’t learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn’t learn a little,
at least we didn’t get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn’t die;
so, let us be thankful.

At the end of each line of the above the option is to be disappointed or grateful. It is not what happens it is the way that we see it. We are not effected by events but by our response to those events.

In a very real sense being disappointed is a choice. What do you choose?

Take care

Sean X

TSHP167: How Do You Know if He or She is ‘The One’?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

A listener has emailed us asking for relationship advice. It got Sean and Ed thinking about how we can really know whether a person is right for us. Let’s dive in…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

Stay in Touch

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Finding the one

A listener emailed in asking about relationships. They had been hurt in the past and currently felt insecure in new relationships. The question raised was how do we ever know if this is the ‘right one’, if this is really ‘the one’.

I have worked with so many couples who met and fell in love or at least they thought that had fallen in love. One of them said “I love you”, the other one said “I love you too” and they skipped off into the sunset on life’s journey. A few years later one of them had the realisation that should have asked “when you said you love me, what did you mean?” We use the word love all the time. “I love that movie”, “I’d really love a cream bum”, “I love they way they do that”.

What do you mean when you use the word ‘Love’?
If you tell me that you love me what should I assume from that? Does it mean that you find me entertaining, that you want my body, money or status, or that you want to care for and share with me for as long as we both shall live?

When we get into this world of emotion we are in strange territory that can never be understood cognitively. Cognitive word can point at the meaning behind a feeling but they can never describe the feeling itself.

The language of communication
When we interact with others only 7% is in the cognitive meaning of the words. Over 50% is communicated with body language and around 38% in the tone of voice or the way that the words are spoken. The remaining few percent is the communication of pheromones and hormones. Which makes text messaging and online dating the least successful ways of wooing other people. It is only in the face-to-face interactions that we truly know what it ‘feels’ like to be with another person.

The honeymoon period
When people meet they are on their best behaviour. It takes about two years for the person to revert to type and become who they truly are rather than how they would like to be seen to be. The idea of long engagements does not seem so silly when you consider this.

Is fidelity important?
Most people report that they want their partner to be faithful. However, statistics vary, but it has been estimated, from research, that up to two thirds of people at some point have some sort of affair. It also shows that the need to have an affair will normally come from feelings of boredom of lack of attention and that sexuality is quite low on the reported benefits of an affair it is the attention and affection that people are seeking.

Can you find ‘the one’?
The answer is ‘yes’ but classically you might have to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince or a process.

Shortening the odds
You can improve your chances of finding the right partner by following some rules:

1: Do they tick the boxes?
This may include height, size, ethnicity, socio-economic group, interests, hobbies and so on. It is never enough to simply admire another person they need to admire you as well. Do you tick their boxes?

2: online dating
If you go for the online dating approach you can shorten the odds of finding a like-minded person by using newspaper dating sites. The person who has similar views to you is likely to be attracted to the same newspaper. Guardian readers for example are quite different from those that read the Times or the Daily Mail.

3: Don’t be hasty
Wooing is tuning. Being wooed allows the other person to tune into you. But you need to also woo to tune into them. Wooing is organic, it grows, it takes time don’t be hasty.

4: Commitment – the three questions
If you decide to commit, or you are feeling like you might want to commit here are three questions that you might like to sit down and ask each other. It might take three different evenings and three different bottle of wine – don’t be hasty.

Who are you?
Describe to each other how you see your self as a body as a mind and emotionally and see if the other person sees you in the same way.

Love
Ask each other the questions:
What do I need to do to make you feel loved?
How do you show me that you love me?

Security
Ask each other the questions:
What is it that you need to make you feel safe and secure?
What is it that would scare you or make you feel insecure?

Your mission statement
If, as a result of the above, moving forward together, in whatever form, makes sense for you both then you will need a mission statement. All companies and organisations start with a mission statement. This describes what it means to be a part of ‘us’, what do we want to get out of our relationship and how do we interact with the rest of the world. And, if we have children what would it mean for them to be one of us?

Avoiding complacency
When I work with couples who are trying to put a relationship back together after it has developed some problems I will write a formal contract that they will both agree and sign. It starts with their mission statement and then goes through the various areas of life creating clauses that they both agree. Many couples have a contract date that becomes an annual renewal date. Each year they sit down and review the year and the contract. They then commit for another year together. This may involve varying the contract to meet their changing needs. It keeps them both on their toes and ensures that they maintain their commitment to each other.

Where ever you are up to in your relationship you may benefit from sitting down and asking each other the three questions, you might discover a lot.

Take care and be happy

Sean X

TSHP166: Dealing with uncertainty in life

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Life is uncertain in many ways. Sure, there are things that we can do to protect ourselves but there’s little that can prepare us for that unexpected phone call or worse. So how do we stop this uncertainty from leading to increased anxiety?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

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Dealing with uncertainty

Uncertainty is a form of anxiety. Anxiety is living an imagined future right now. To be anxious is to not live in the present.

Anxiety and uncertainty are bed fellows. Even the most focused and determined of people can never be 100% sure of the outcome of life or their endeavours. Yet, we are not all anxious why is this?

I recall reading a study about men being kept on death row somewhere in the states. The research showed that while under the threat of execution the inmates would produce high levels of stress hormones and feel high levels of anxiety. Once they had been given a death date, even if it was a while in advance, their production of stress hormone would drop. The conclusion of the study was that uncertainty creates stress and anxiety but knowledge, knowing what will be happening, takes away the stress. It would seem that certainty, even if we are certain of difficult outcomes is less stressful that simply not knowing.

Whatever will be, will be
There is another way of approaching the future and that is in accepting that what ever will be, will be. There are things that we can change and things that we can’t. It is helpful to know the difference.

Serenity
Is the state of calmness where there is peace and untroubled thoughts or feeling.

According to Wikipedia the Serenity Prayer was authored by the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr 1892–1971 The best-known form is:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

In the 1930s and 1940s the above prayer was adopted and popularised by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step programs. The original prayer looked more like this…

God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

The Law of Allowing
In our, live in the present, work we use the law of allowing to avoid engaging in thankless tasks that will only wear us down or wear us out. Allowing the mad people to be mad without joining them or needing change them leads to serenity. When we can accept the world, and others, as they are the uncertainty, stress and anxiety fall away.

This is not fatalistic
To be fatalistic assumes a lack of control. In the law of allowing being the observer of events does not make use powerless or inactive. It is more that when we choose to engage we do so mindfully with clarity of vision and purpose. We do not engage in headless chicken syndrome running around in panic and worrying about things that we cannot effect, or that we cannot effect ‘yet’.

Become a positive script writer
We know that we are each writing our experience before it happens, we are choosing how we respond to life.

We are not effected by events
We are effected by our response to events

We have choices and anxiety, to be anxious, is a choice. It may not feel like that at the outset and in extreme cases we may need medication to help us reset our system. Anxiety is never the way that we are, it is the way that we have learned to be and we can learn to be different, to not be anxious.

We don’t have problems we have opportunities
When we realise and embrace the amazing creativity of human consciousness and our ability to solve problems, whatever they are, anxiety and uncertainty does not exist. When I know that whatever happens I will be able to deal with it there is no fear. It is only when we loose that perspective that uncertainty and entirety take hold.

Catastrophisation
Often the things that we do become anxious about are neither here nor there. It is simply that by focusing on them they have got bigger.

What you feed grows and what you starve dies

OCD is the result of focusing exclusively on something and allowing it to grow so large that it takes over the now so that we cease to be present in the moment but live in the fear of uncertainty and anxiety.

My friends, uncertainty and anxiety
Uncertainty and anxiety, not anxiety disorder, have been with us through out evolution. They have kept us safe in our quest to survive by not being eaten by predators or falling from trees. The awareness that comes with normal anxiety is good, not scaring and does not create uncertainty. When appropriate anxiety gives us the awareness that we need to stay safe.

Be serene and be happy

Sean X

TSHP165: The Joy of Pets

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Maybe you’re a cat person. Maybe you’re a dog person. Maybe fish are your thing. One way or another, most of us have an affinity to the ‘lesser’ species. Of course, seeing animals as anything less than us is to do them a massive disservice. Can a pet really change your life for the better?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

  • Sean suggest you explore the positives and negatives of getting a dog. Think hard, folks!
  • Ed went to see The Secret Life of Pets recently. Worth a watch!

Stay in Touch

We’re all over the web, so feel free to stay in touch:

Leave us an Honest Review on iTunes

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The Joy of Pets

This week, as I write this blog I have been for a run with my trainer Conrad. As we ran down the lane I notice a brown dog ahead of us. She saw us coming and stopped to allow us to catch up with her. As we passed Conrad and I both naturally greeted her and she fell into step running between us. She seemed a perfectly nice and happy dog very comfortably joining in with us and it led to me wondering what was it that was going on in her mind. Did she feel that she had joined the pack? Was this the natural instinct of a pack animal off for the hunt? Perhaps she thought ‘two mad humans here running around, I wonder where they are going? I’ll go with them and see’, perhaps she thought, or didn’t, think of anything that I, as a human could conceive or understand.

We often treat animals anthropomorphically, just as I did with the dog, and -project our own feelings onto them and assume that we know what they are feeling or thinking. The worst thing that I ever hear is when a human projects a lack of feeling and emotion onto an animal. In an assumption that animal have no feelings at all. Fishermen tell me that when they stick a hook through the mouth of a fish, and pull them by the line from the water into the air, something that is suffocating for the fish, that the fish doesn’t feel a thing ‘because they are cold blooded’, interesting thinks I.

I find it strange that we divide up the animal kingdom into different emotional categories to suit our human selfishness.

Nature
There are those animals that live in the wild. These might include primates, the large cats, lizards, birds, elephants, rhinos, zebras and so on. We humans make documentaries about them and wonder at their life styles and antics, their social connections and disputes and their various mating rituals and habits.

Vermin
Vermin are those animals that we as humans have decided have no use for us, not even as objects in documentaries. Those that we decide should be removed from the planet. So we trap them, poison them and kill them in any way that we can. For householders these include rats, mice, spiders, ants and so on. Non householders might include the coypu, mink, snakes, foxes, badgers, crows, magpies and so on.

Food
The animal group that we have defined as food varies from one country to the next and we can share our disgust at each other’s habits. When a country eats frogs, dogs, or horses Brits can become very angry or disgusted. A while ago horse meat was found in British mincemeat which upset a lot of people, yet the French will happily take our horses for their dinner table while we will take their cows for ours. The staple meat diets of the western world has been cattle, sheep and pigs plus the occasional goat. We will eat chicken and ducks but will be disgusted by those that eat song birds. We make the distinction between Kentucky Fried Chicken and Kentucky Fried Rat, though they would probably taste and feel very similar once the spices had been added to the coating. For some rabbits are simply four legged chickens while for others they are cuddly bunnies and venison may be seen as strong beef or the murder of Bambi.

Fashion
If you wear a leather pair of shoes or a leather belt you are wearing an animal for fashion. The reality is that there are many alternatives to leather but if you eat the meat I guess that you might as well wear the skin. However, this does not seem to hold true in the case of fur. Would a fur coat be more acceptable if we ate the meat as well as wearing the skin? The British army has spent generations wearing bear skin hats, I doubt if they ate the meat.

Pets
Pets are animals that we assume like to be with us. We use animals without really understanding what it is that they want or need. Before a horse allows a rider to sit on it’s back it has to be ‘broken’. This means that it’s will to resist, and simply be a horse, is stripped away from it until it will tolerate the rider and respond to being directed by a piece of metal in their mouth, often kicked in the sides and being beaten with a whip. We put birds in cages to prevent them from doing what is natural for them, flying. We take the doggie-ness away from a dog until it believes that is a part of a human pack.

The symbiotic connections
We hear stories of the dolphin who appeared in the sea and held a human up in the water until help arrived or they had taken them to the shallows so that they could then stand. There are those moments when an animal and a human just connect. Many dogs do have a symbiotic relationship with a human being. Their intuitive connection allows them to know and understand the humans feelings and to respond in a sensitive manner. This may also include bereavement at the loss or death of a human that they are close to. We see this as a wonderful example of how a dog can have deep feelings for a human. Perhaps we should realise that this is how dogs live in their normal situation and that the deep emotion that we see, and assume is for us, is really the emotional power that keeps the pack together. Just as dogs belong in packs horses belong in herds and were never designed to live on their own or with just a few other horses or human beings.

Unless an animal comes to you willingly, just like the dog who chose to run with Conrad and I for a while, we are interfering in it’s naturalness to make it be what we want it to be.

I often see pets who are not experiencing joy, the joy of pets is all on the part of the human who ‘owns’ and ‘controls’ them. As I sit in my studio I often hear two dogs in the gardens around me. One is very unhappy and cries a lot at being abandoned by its human owners. The other howls in a desperate attempt to call to other dogs as though it is playing out some strange memory of the pack. As it howls other dogs, even distantly, respond and on the air they have a conversation that I will never understand but I keep hearing the plaintive cry of ‘tell me I am not alone’.

If you have pets, eat meat or wear skins have a think about the joy of pets and other animals. Is the joy one sided? Is it all played out for the good of human beings? Do the animals have feelings and if they do are we responding to them?

Food for thought!

Take care and be happy

Sean X