Personality Disorders

For some reason human beings need to name things. It has something to do with our need to create order and know where we stand and what is going on. In the Biblical story of Genesis and the process of creation it comes to the point when God parades all the animals of the earth, sea and air before Adam and he names each and everyone. That always struck me as strange, but then I would see people around me needing to name things. So, someone sees a bird that is new to them and the first thing that they would ask is ‘what is that bird called?’

This week we had an email from a listener who was asking about how they could improve their situation and move forward in life. The thing that stuck out in their communication was their need to name and label their various symptoms and condition. I know that this was a way of communicating their situation but it reminded me of the many clients that I have seen over the years who first were given a label and second became am expert in their label.

If someone is given the label ‘clever’ then we know from research that they tend to achieve more because that is their expectation. The same is true if someone is told that they are an ‘idiot’, they tend to play out their expectation. This is the living reality of…

…thoughts become things

In psychiatry and psychotherapy we are obsessed with giving people labels. The DSM, the diagnostic manual, labels things that were once considered normal behaviour that are now considered disorders.

One of the biggest issues is that once someone is given a diagnosis followed by a label they tend to become the expert in their own condition. Once they accept the list of symptoms associated with their label they then expect the symptoms to take place and may even encourage them. This process often serves to fix someone into their label and diagnosis and stops them improving or overcoming their issues. Once someone believes that this is simply the way that they are then they are right and will not progress. Because thoughts become things they will never change or have the expectation that they can change.

Self image

We do this for ourselves. We develop ideas about who we are. We have a self image that may be positive or negative. Once we believe that the ideas that we have about ourself are the truth then we play them out and reinforce them. We may even do this with our name. Our name becomes a label and we associate it with all kinds of ideas and feelings. But our name may come in several forms. We shorten names and sometimes use nick names to change someone’s label. I am called Sean however some people call me Seanie. The feelings behind the label Sean are very different to the label Seanie. If someone is called Rosemary they may also be called Rose, Mary, Ro and each of these labels will have a different image and emotions related with them.

It is good to understand the labels that we use for our self and for other people. When I was young I was told off for calling someone ‘an epileptic’. It was made clear to me that they were a person who suffered from epilepsy, they were concerned that they should not be limited or defined by the label epileptic.

When we mindfully use words, language and labels they help us to communicate and to understand. When we use words, language and labels mindlessly they can confine, diminish or limit who and what we and other people are.

Perhaps this is a good time to review the labels that we are using and decide if they are mindlessly limiting who we are and what we do, or are they allowing us to move mindfully forward in life towards our own fulfilment.

Take care and be happy (that is a good label)

Sean x

 

 

 

TSHP277: Time to talk about avoidant/dependant personality disorders

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What’s Coming This Episode?

We’ve had a listener email asking that we discuss a couple of serious personality disorders that have had a negative impact on the person’s life for going on 20 years. Avoidant and dependent personality disorders can lead to astronomical levels of anxiety. So how do we ‘fix’ it and how can we spot it in our loved ones?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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TSHP276: Why Do We Feel Like Hibernating in Winter?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

The nights are drawing in and the temperature is dropping, along with our mood. So do we shut ourselves off from the word for 4-5 months while the storms pass over, or do we fight the urge to lock ourselves away and fight the elements?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Should Humans Hibernate?

We received a message from a listener enquiring about hibernation. They noted how in the winter months they become less social and more irritable and asked is hibernation normal? Well, the answer is yes, but not sleeping like a bear. More like slowing down and losing some energy that we would normally get from the sun light.

So, winter is on its way once again. It seems to have been a long time coming this year as the warm weather has stretched out until we hit the current storms, but maybe September and October will be warm and bright until the clocks go back.

The effect of the lack of light is the inevitable drop in our level of Vitamin D, and a drop in our level of serotonin that. This normally, leads to feelings of down-ness often described as SAD syndrome. Sometimes I wonder why we bothered to move away from the equator where the levels of vitamin D are naturally high and SAD syndrome has never been heard of.

When, up here in the higher latitudes it gets cold, damp and dark we seek comfort that through evolution has been given to us through eating carbohydrates. The best form of carbs is in cake, bread, pastas, puddings, biscuits, and so on. Carbs kick your brain into producing endorphins that make you feel good which is why they are called comfort food.

Carbs = comfort

Take a holiday

We could go away to the sun and get our endorphin hit that way. Why do we take our main holiday in the summer? Would it not make more sense to enjoy the British summer, even if it is a bit wet it still has long days of light. Then, when it is dark and cold we could jump onto a plane and go somewhere hot and sunny. If we did that we would boost our Vitamin D, increase our serotonin production and keep our mood raised.

Exercise

Another way to counteract the effect of the darkness is to move more. When it is cold the temptation is to huddle around a coal fire and stay in. Yet, if we make the effort to move our body we raise our mood. Twenty minutes of a raised heartbeat will make your brain secrete happy hormones and endorphins that will make you feel happier. The drive from the health authorities is to get everyone walking for at least half an hour a day. If we all did this we reduce our levels of illness, improve our mental health, loose some weight and get happier. Of course it goes without saying that it would also save the health authorities money.

Time to get social

Don’t be a hermit get out and meet people or invite people in. Socialise, have parties, cook meals and enjoy the company of others. Being with others, sharing the feeling of belonging and sharing fun and laughter all increase our levels of happiness. They call it Hygge in Sweden.

Christmas and Stuffmas

Winter means Christmas and for most of us this means money and spending. Creating debts and financial stress is a serious contributor to seasonal depression. The second part of Christmas can be that there is so much to organise and that can be stressful, if we do not share the load and the responsibility. Maybe, if everyone who comes to Christmas dinner each cooked a course the pressures would be less all round.

Make love

Did you know that when we have a particularly dark and cold winter that birth rates can rise by up to 18%. We do know that good positive love making does raise the endorphins and increases happiness. It also helps us to keep warm on a cold night.

Slow down and enjoy

Most of nature takes a break in the winter. The birds fly south, all of the plants go to sleep and many animals go into hibernation. The one species that does not slow down that carries on in a mad dash is us human beings. We may not be able to hibernate but we can slow down.

For us winter could be our chance to rest and relax. A time to gather around log fires and get Hygge. A time to enjoy the joy of story telling, socialisation, and developing family relationships and friendships. A time to mend nets, repair the tools, learn to sew and knit and chat about life and sharing experiences and teach and learn. A time to enjoy winter foods, puddings, custard and cake.

The more I think about it the more I see why the Nordic countries developed their various versions of Hygge to live enjoy and survive their winters.

Be happy and do what you need to ensure you enjoy your winter and make it a winter wonderland.

Take care

Sean x

TSHP275: Trial by Twitter

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Social media has given us immense power. We can contact almost anyone at any time and share our thoughts with them. Ain’t that wonderful? Well, not always. People are learning some HARD lessons about how to wield this power. Are you ready to learn those lessons the easy way?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Trial by Twitter

In this weeks podcast Ed and I were reviewing the recent spate of media induced conflicts from Colleen Nolan’s spat with Kim on Loose Women, through the strange behaviours of Roxanne Pallet on Big Brother, to Kirsty Allsopp revelation of having smashed her son’s iPads because they failed to comply with the rules on screen time.

Each of these events led to a media frenzy as viewers took to the internet slagging people off and shouting the odds, often in a cruel and offensive manner that is destructive and un-empathic. 

We are suffering from a loss of media empathy. Perhaps some people never had it. It is certainly true that the lack of eye and body contact in media communication results in a lack of sensitivity. We know that in any communication the bulk of the meaning that is shared is in the body language, movement stance and facial expressions. The words that we use account for only 7% of the meaning in what we are sharing. This allows for a 93% miscommunication every time we share online, text or email. Just think how often we get the wrong end of the stick or someone becomes offended by what we have shared in a way that we never intended.

There is an added layer in this loss of media empathy that makes the situation worse. When we use media to communicate we cannot see or feel the effect of what we are sharing because we cannot see the body language, movement stance and facial expressions of the person receiving it. We are having a 7% conversation and maybe a 93% miscommunication as we are unaware of the effect that we are having.

It is so easy to become the critical, hurtful tweeter and say the most outrageous things about another person because we do not have to face the consequences of our communication. People can say things online that they would never say to someone’s face. In this sense people who use social media to have a go at someone are usually cowards and worse than that they are unaccountable cowards.

One of the worst effects of this behaviour is bullying, that predominates with younger people but does also effect older adults as well. We have seen cases where people have been driven to suicide by negative trolling on social media.

The question Ed asked was ‘how can we change this?’  The problem is that we cannot. We cannot un-invent the internet and because we have a natural negative bias we continue to be drawn to the worst of things. Just consider how many scary movies are out there and how popular they are or our obsession with bad news.

The answer is Mindfulness and Education. 

When people develop mindfulness they are developing their own self awareness and their awareness of the effect that they have on other people and the world around them. If we take mindfulness into schools at an early age we might be able to create a more mindful society and recreate and develop higher levels of empathy and care.

The other answer is to use these platforms less if at all and when we do come across negative media gossip do not feed it, let it go.

Be happy, take care and don’t be a troll

Sean x

TSHP274: How can I tell if I’m being taken advantage of?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

We know advertising works. If it didn’t businesses wouldn’t fork out so much on it. But when does a harmless advert become a sinister online stalker? What happens when the technology of online advertising is used for darker purposes? Most importantly, how can we prepare ourselves to spot it coming?

Enjoy the show and take care, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Influence and vulnerability

Influence

Ed came across this very weird service offer by,  The Spinner  that puts cookies on target people so that they get nudged with adverts and services that will guide them towards doing what you want them to do. One service was so that you could subliminally suggest to someone that they might want to have sex with you. This can set a thousand alarm bells ringing in your head as to the appropriateness and morality of such a service. The site does say that they do draw a line and that there are things that they will not do, though I am not sure what that would be.

Cookie alert

The service works by you sending the target an email that includes a cookie which embeds onto their system. This then tracks the target’s internet use and ensures that where ever they go they will be presented with articles, adverts and subject that will influence their thinking, feeling and behaviours.

You may not be aware of it but this is what is happening all the time. You search for something on Google or Amazon and suddenly you are seeing adverts based around your searches. Influencing people at the time of elections or, my favourite, Brexit, is where these techniques can have a huge social consequence. I regularly delete all the cookies on my systems to shut down any level of cookie stalking that is following my activity. These means that I have to log back into services that I do want to use such as my bank but it allows me to clean my system.

We have always been, and always will be, influenced by other people. Advertisers and politicians are the standard. However, it is just as true of family, friends, colleagues and employers. The famous ‘Nudge’ may be the health service trying to change our behaviour to make us healthier and live longer, it may be a lover trying to turn us on, it might be the local window cleaner that wants our business. It will always be this way, it is how human beings communicate and how society functions.

Mindful Awareness

Our job is to become aware of who is trying to influence us, understand why they want to influence us and then to decide if we want to go along with it and be influenced. Most influence happens below our awareness, mindfulness brings it into awareness. In mindfulness we have choice. When we are mindful we cannot be influenced without our consent.

The process of increasing our awareness is called ‘waking up’. As the majority of the world’s population are not awake, they are in fact deep asleep, they are ripe to be influenced and manipulated without even being aware of it. There have been so many times when people have told me that “it is a known fact that…….”, and then told me a load of rubbish. This just indicates to me how easy and how often people are influenced into beliefs and ideas without even questioning it.

Someone told me the other day that I am an intellectual, not a label that I would have given my self. However when I use my intellect to examine that concept I guess I do use my intellect to question ’what’ and ‘why’ and I attempt to understand the sound behind someone’s words and ideas. I ask my self “why is that person saying that?” Or “what did that person mean when they said that, what was the sound behind their words?” I like everyone is influenced below my awareness though I try not to influenced without my consent.

So who influences you? Who do you listen to? Who is you icon, guru, teacher? Which TV and radio programs do you favour? Do you prefer the BBC, ITV or Sky news? Which newspaper do you read? When we prefer ITV to the BBC news we are allowing ourselves to be influenced with our consent as we apply our own bias to the world. Who we believe and what we believe may have been imprinted on us from early childhood, education, philosophy or religion but it will, unless we mindfully question it, influence us for the rest of our life.

Being influenced is ok when we are mindfully aware of what the influence is and what is the purpose, the end game, what is it about and what is the sound behind the words.

Be happy and be mindful

Take care

Sean x