Archive for category: Blog

In this weeks podcast Ed and I were talking about the wave of immigrants that are attempting to come through the Chunnel and join us in Britain. As we speak there is talk of the French army being lined up to deal with crowds of up to 2000 people attempting to rush the tunnel. The reality is that most of us that call our-selves British are really the antecedence of those that have invaded over the millennia in one way or another. The question that the immigration issue raises is, who is allowed to live in the UK and who do we identify as British? Belonging is emotional it is all to do with if people “feel” that they are one of us? Do we really understand what it is like for these people? What does it feel like to be stateless and in need of a country to settle in and belong to?

There are three emotional states that exist when we connect with other people in a way where we can, or we think we can, feel what they are experiencing. Different people will define these word, feelings, or emotions, differently so let me begin with my own definitions so that it is clear what I am talking about.

Sympathy
This is the weakest of three emotions and probably the most common. It is that part of us that resonates with what we experience. For example when we watch a movie we may become emotional or tearful through either the joy or hurt by what we are seeing. What is happening is that unresolved emotions within us are vibrating in sympathy to what we see. Other people who do not have the same sympathetic emotions within them will not resonate in the same way. Equally someone else may become upset by something that has no effect on any of us whatsoever.

Often people will attempt to stop their sympathetic emotion because it is too painful. An example of this would be when someone is upset or crying and we cannot cope with it so we make them a cup of tea and attempt to shut them up. Our need to shut down their emotion is because we cannot deal with it within our-self.

Empathy
This is when we have also experienced the same or a similar situation so the feeling we can feel is another’s hurt or emotion. We have no need to close it down because it is not unresolved within us. If anything our empathy and empathic responses will allow the person to get more upset so that they are able to release and resolve their inner emotions. Empathy and empathic interventions are often employed in psychotherapy as interventions to enable the person to get better.

When a self-help group gets together it is empathy at work. The individual members begin to see that they are not alone and that other people actually know and understand their situation and how they feel.

It is often said that to be empathic you need to have walked in someone else’s shoes for a while to know exactly how they feel.

Intuition
This is a completely different kettle of fish because intuition is something that is way beyond cognitive understanding. It is knowing without knowing. When you know something but have no logical knowledge to base your intuitive emotional knowledge on.

Perhaps you are moved to contact a friend living on the other side of the world who, it turns out, is ill or unhappy and yet for some reason beyond logic you were aware of the need to get in touch. Or, you simply walk into a room and know that something is wrong. You are the one who goes up to some one to inquire how they are, if they are ok, while others have been oblivious to the fact that something is wrong.

Ok, so, these three forms of emotional connection are at play all the time but not within everyone. Most people can use sympathy, some people can use empathy but only a few people have intuitive awareness. But, this blog is about empathy and the question that it raises is can empathy be learned?

Can Empathy Be Learned?
The short answer is ‘yes’ however, you need a good imagination. When you have not experienced exactly, or even remotely, what another person has, it is still possible to feel their emotion through having a fluid imagination that can replicate their situation within your mind and your emotions.

Imagined Empathy
If you have ever hit your thumb with a hammer or stubbed your toe, then you can understand the feeling of pain. If you can use your imagination to increase that to the feeling of being hit by a truck you are using imagined empathy. If you have experienced the bereavement or loss of anything, person, animal or favoured possession you can use imagined empathy to feel the loss of a parent or a child. If you have ever felt prolonged hunger you can use imagined empathy to feel the effects of starvation.

Listening Empathy
The key to developing imagined empathy is the ability to listen well, this is known in psychotherapy as ‘active listening’. When we are able to actively listen we can hear what the other person is saying, experiencing or feeling, without allowing the noise from our own feelings to get in the way. When we are actively listening we know that what we are feeling is ‘their’ stuff and not ‘ours’.

Empathy for immigrants
As you watch the news broadcasts of the immigrants attempting to get through the Chunnel do you experience it with sympathy, empathy or intuitive understanding?

Empathy Killers
So what kills empathy?

Diminishing, discounting or demeaning other people or their experience just about sums it up. We do this by not listening or by devaluing what other people are saying or feeling.

The real killer is when we assume that we know what someone is talking about without listening to them. When this happens we start telling them our story rather than listening to theirs. Or we say things like “you think that is bad just listen to what happened to me”.

So the punch line is if you want to be empathic, listen and use your imagination. And if you are not sure check out if what you are feeling is correct. You can do this by simply saying “was it like this…?” or “it sounds like you were feeling…?”

Last point
Creativity and empathy are close bed fellows. If you have empathy then you will probably have a good imagination, and if you have a good imagination you will probably be able to be empathic. In true empathy you can think, feel and, react just like the other person would. You are walking in their shoes.

Take care be happy and keep listening and if you can be empathic

Sean x

Doing The Work

Over the last ten podcasts Ed and I have taken you through the steps that make up the Live In The Present course and book. These steps are focussed around how we can free ourselves from those things that hold us back and make us fearful of moving forward. When you have completed the steps, which may take a lot longer than ten weeks, you may need to revisit some steps several times, you will then be at a point where you are becoming free to get on with your life and create what you really, really want.

One thing that I hope you have gained from the podcasts and the book is that the key to success is almost always based in serving others. When we do things that are of benefit to other people we are in a state of service or, what is known as Bhakti. To be in business and to work honestly and fairly so that what we do is of service to others means the business grows. The money that we create is the by-product of the service that we offer and deliver.

Working positively with each other fulfils my fundamental belief that…

If we all look after each other we will all be alright

The knowledge that there is enough resources for all of us, be it love, money, energy, waters, and so on, works if we share what we have.

The one thing that we can all share, in an easy way, all day and every day is love and well-being. We make minute by minute choices as to where we will put our energy, either positive or negative?

Those people that seek to make things as positive as possible I call the “workers”.

A worker is someone who does the best that they can in each situation for the good of us all. This might be that you are able to bring food to the starving or water to the thirsty or it might simply be that when you go to a shop or meet someone at work that you do your best to make it as positive an interaction as you can.

If you leave any situation better than when you found it, or if you focus on the positive despite the odds, if you attend to and look after the needs of people (including yourself) then you are a “worker”. When a worker has passed you, you will feel it. You may not understand it. But you will feel happier, lighter and more positive knowing that you have been with or met a “worker”.

If you want to be a worker, on whatever scale, nothing is too big or too small, then shine some light into the dark, bring some happiness into the gloom, create laughter and not tears. Be happy and live your life to the full

Take care

Sean x

Your Money Is Your Energy Of Life

In this episode of Live In the Present Ed and I are looking at the value of money. Is it a dirty filthy thing that corrupts all that touch it, a force for good, or just simply energy? Perhaps, just like beauty the value of money is in the eye of the beholder.

Why do you go to work? Do you jump out of bed shouting ‘hooray’? If not, why not? A few people will be doing what they do each day because they simply love it and would carry on doing it whatever happened. Sadly many people will be going to work simply for the money and hating everyday of their life.

What are you doing?
Ask yourself this simple question if you did not need to earn the money, perhaps you had won the lotto, would you still do what you do, would you still go into work?

Maybe, if you were very conscientious and had a very responsible job or, if you felt that people relied upon things that you had to do, then maybe you would feel the need to go into work to tie up those lose ends. But would that be it, would you then do a runner and do something else with your life?

What is the relationship between your life and your work?

Do you work for money or happiness?
Most people would say that they want money and that it will make them happy, however they do not really understand what money is. Often people see money as the route to their fulfilment, they are generally wrong. There are many examples where money has created great unhappiness. Yet, when we understand the true nature of money it can make us happier.

You see, money does not actually exist, it is not tangible stuff. On a British bank note it states “I promise to pay the bearer on demand the sum of X”. Now, this is a nonsense. If you took you £20 note to the Bank of England and asked for your twenty pounds they would look at you like you were mad. A bank note is a token of good faith. At best it is a share certificate that entitles you to a share in reserves of the banking system. In the current bank led recession it is easy to assume that this share is not worth very much if anything at all. A bank note is really only potential energy.

There is both good energy and bad energy
Money works at a much deeper level than simply bits of paper. Your twenty-pound note is like a seed full of energy that, if planted in one way will grow and bear the fruit of other £20 notes. If planted on barren soil, or frittered away, it becomes nothing.

There is both good money and bad money
There is a relationship between money and emotion but it is the reverse of what we expect it to be. Just as there are positive emotions of happiness and wellbeing there are also negative emotions of sadness and negativity. In the same way there is positive money and negative money. That is money that makes us feel good and money that makes us feel bad.

Money is a magnifying glass
Money tends to make things bigger just like a magnifying glass. When we are feeling happy we will use money to create more happiness. But, if we are unhappy, we will use money to create more unhappiness. This is simply the nature of energy so that…

Your money flows where your consciousness goes
You see money, like all forms of energy, is neutral, it is neither good nor bad. All energy does is enable us to act out what we are feeling.

The person who is happy with money is the person who is also happy without money. The feeling comes before the money.

However it is important to realise that if you want to create money it is easier to do so if you are feeling positive. It is happiness that makes it easier to create money, not money that creates happiness.

Money is the energy of life
If you are a giver, money will allow you to give more. If you are a hoarder money will allow you to hoard more. If you are a happy person money will allow you to be more happy. If you are an unhappy person money will allow you to be more unhappy.

The common word is ‘more’

All that money allows you to do or be is ‘more’ of what you already are. Because money is just energy, and when you use it you are expressing your life energy.

Be happy, live in the present and allow your self to positively create your financial wealth and in doing so, you will also find your financial health.

Sean x

The Law of Allowing

In this step on the course Ed and I have been talking about the law of Allowing. This is one of the hardest steps in the Live in the Present course.

“The only thing you should be intolerant of is intolerance”
Plato

If you feel angry or disgruntled when someone with beliefs opposed to yours gets their way, if you become upset because you can’t have your way, then you are not living within the Law of allowing. When we can allow the mad people to be mad, the drug takers to be drug takers an so on we stand a better chance of changing their behaviour. When we oppose people’s behaviour we will normally make it worse and we get more of what we don’t want.

According to Emile Coue when you feel or express anger at the behaviour of others you will create more of what you would seek to eliminate.

Emile Coue’s law of reversed effort

The more we try to consciously struggle with a dominant idea the more powerful its effects become.

“When an idea imposes itself on the mind to such an extent as to give rise to a suggestion, all the conscious efforts which the subject makes in order to counteract this suggestion are not merely without the desired effect, but they actually run counter to the subject’s conscious wishes and tend to intensify the suggestion.”
(Baudouin, 1920: 116).

He elaborates by describing the law of reversed effect as exemplified by the self-antagonistic attitude of mind that says, “I would like to… but I cannot.” This notion might be seen as similar to the modern technique of “reverse psychology”, a persuasion technique which aims, paradoxically, to persuade someone to accept an idea by suggesting the opposite to them.

Is it ok to be completely tolerant of any behaviour?

Karl Popper

“The so-called paradox of freedom is the argument that freedom in the sense of absence of any constraining control must lead to very great restraint, since it makes the bully free to enslave the meek. The idea is, in a slightly different form, and with very different tendency, clearly expressed in Plato.

Less well known is the paradox of tolerance: Unlimited tolerance must lead to the disappearance of tolerance. If we extend unlimited tolerance even to those who are intolerant, if we are not prepared to defend a tolerant society against the onslaught of the intolerant, then the tolerant will be destroyed, and tolerance with them. — In this formulation, I do not imply, for instance, that we should always suppress the utterance of intolerant philosophies; as long as we can counter them by rational argument and keep them in check by public opinion, suppression would certainly be unwise. But we should claim the right to suppress them if necessary even by force; for it may easily turn out that they are not prepared to meet us on the level of rational argument, but begin by denouncing all argument; they may forbid their followers to listen to rational argument, because it is deceptive, and teach them to answer arguments by the use of their fists or pistols. We should therefore claim, in the name of tolerance, the right not to tolerate the intolerant. We should claim that any movement preaching intolerance places itself outside the law, and we should consider incitement to intolerance and persecution as criminal, in the same way as we should consider incitement to murder, or to kidnapping, or to the revival of the slave trade, as criminal.”

Karl Popper, The Open Society and Its Enemies

Of all the Universal Laws, the Law of Allowing is often the most difficult one to get our heads around. The truth is, there is freedom in allowing circumstances to be what they are and people to be who they are, whether you agree with them or not. Really. Even when it comes to poverty or war or disease.

Mother Theresa famously said that she would not attend an anti war rally, but she would attend a pro peace rally. She understood the Law of Allowing and the Law of Reversed Effort. She realised that the effect of an anti war rally would simply focus attention on ‘War’. A pro peace rally will focus attention on ‘Peace’.

This is also an internal process. When we have an internal dialogue that is self punishing when we get something wrong all we do is create more of what we don’t want.

Example
If I am using hypnosis to stop someone smoking and use the phrase “you must stop this filthy, disgusting habit right now!” the person will smoke even more. However, if I use the phrase “you will get a lot of pride and pleasure from no longer needing to smoke”, the person will stop.

To change yourself and change others you need to evoke the Law of Allowing.

Take care of yourself and treat yourself with love

Sean x

Step 4

In the podcast this week we have been looking at Mindfulness. In the previous steps we have focussed on letting go of the past. Mindfulness requires that we are living in the present having let go of the past and not worrying about the future. Focusing on the past leads to depression and focusing on the future leads to anxiety.

Twenty years ago Mindfulness was an odd word used by strange silent Buddhists sitting beneath Banyan trees conducting obscure meditative practices. These days mindfulness has become a part of every day psychotherapy. To be Mindful means to be aware of your self in the present. Also to be aware of the world around you, of who you are, what you are doing and the effect that it will have on other people.

To live effectively we need to be mindful and awake so that we can enjoy our existence while at the same time causing the least damage to others. Blow there are eight reasons why it might be useful to be mindful and live in the present.

1: Get Physical…
Living mindfully means enjoying your body. We each have a body. In the East the body is seen as the temple of the soul, as something that should be looked after and respected, treasured and loved. To live mindfully in your body means to treat it with respect. Keep it well serviced and exercised. Not too fat and not too thin. To eat and drink sensibly. The man who ran the London marathon aged 101 said that his health and fitness was all down to his diet…interesting.

Q: What does your body need you to do for it today?

2: Get Social…
Living mindfully means making positive social connections. We are social animals. Our evolution has happened mainly due to our ability to cooperate with each other from the invention of tools to the development of social change. To live in social mindfulness is about caring for other people. This may be charitable or simply helping someone across the road. One of the good things about us all looking after other people is that everyone’s needs are met, including yours.

Q: Who could you help today?

3: Get some fun
Living mindfully means having fun. If you are living a balanced life then you will already be having fun. If, on the other hand your are trying to create a work life balance the chances are that life is not fun for you right now. When did you last have some fun? Living mindfully and having fun go together. If you are bored or stuck in a routine that is mind numbing you are not living mindfully. When you are living mindfully you are self-aware and aware of your needs and doing things that make you feel good. For most of us the fun is in being challenged, trying something new, taking a holiday, starting a new venture. I often say to clients “when did you last have fun?” Sadly they often look blank and cannot remember.

Q: What would be fun to do today? Or what fun things can you plan for the future?

4: Get some love
Living mindfully means both loving and being loved. We all need a bit of love in our lives. Love, self esteem and a robust immune system and health all run together. It is also true that love and happiness go together. Yet, as in all things, it begins at home. To be loved you have to begin with loving yourself. This is the mirror task. Go to a mirror look yourself in the eyes and say, “I love you”. At the point when you can say it, feel it and, believe it you are ready to be loved by another person. Living mindfully with love ensures that you make decisions that serve you well. It also means that you only do things that serve other people well. Positive loving action and the process of Dharma are the same thing. ‘Do as you would be done by’ is the guiding principle.

Q: Who do you love? Q: Would it be a good idea to tell them? Q: What do you need to do to feel loved?

5: Get wealthy
Living mindfully means an abundance of wealth. Wealth is a funny concept because we tend to attach it to money. Yet, we can be wealthy in many things. Wealthy with friends, opportunities, love, happiness and so on. But, we all need to live and to do that we need money and resources according to our needs. How much is enough? Some people may say ‘a million’. I guess it sounds like a nice round sum. For any of us if we have more than we need we are in a state of wealth and abundance. If you need £99 but you have £100 you are wealthy beyond need, you are in surplus. Being mindfully wealthy requires that we know what we need and that we have a surplus, we are rich.

Q: Are you wealthy? If not, what would you need to feel wealthy?

6: Get organised
Living mindfully means living with clarity and not with clutter. It is often said that you can tell what is going in someone’s head by looking at their desk. I guess you could extend that to looking at their house or, the way that they live. Just like a tree bears fruit, our actions in life bear results and these we see all around us. There comes a point in everyday, week, month, year or life time when we need to put our house in order and sort things out. These may be physical, social, emotional and so on. My teacher once told me “you are never ready to live until you are ready to die”. He was saying that when your life is clear and in order, when you have said everything that needs to be said, done everything that needs to be done, taken care of all debts and promises, now, you are ready to get on with life. To live mindfully means that you clear up all your mess as you go along so that you live in a world of clarity.

Q: What do you need to do to clear up your messes and create clarity in your life?

7: Get intuitive
Living mindfully with intuition means living with insight. Those that cultivate their intuition develop clear vision, they become clairvoyant. Insight is a magical quality that is only really developed in a few people. We all have the ability to connect with others. We may be thinking of someone and the phone goes and there they are. We spontaneously meet the right person follow the right hunch. Often intuitive insight is called coincidence or accident. Mindful insight comes to those that develop it. This means creating mind time. It may come in the form of meditation or contemplation exercises. It might be in swimming up and down the pool, walking to dog or going for a run. However it is done, regular consistent and persistent mind time allows us to get into the zone. In the knowing silence of the zone we begin to here the answer to our problems.

Q: Where will you find your mind time today?

8: Get creative
Living mindfully always leads to creativity. In many ways this is the goal that we are all aiming for. True creativity is the science of the imagination. This is the ability to solve problems. When we are truly mindfully awake there are no problems, there are no obstacles. All there ever is are learning experiences, challenges and, ultimately solutions. To be mindfully creative you need to attend to the previous seven steps, pull your life into shape. It is then in the waking that the ability to solve problems flows from deep within. Answers flow like spring water. In this new found ability to find solutions there are no problems, no stress, no anxiety. All is safe and as if should be.

Q: What problems do you have that can be turned into challenges? Now go and solve them!

Ashtanga
The word Ashtanga means to be integrated or to be whole. Mindful people follow the way of Ashtanga and attend to all levels:

Health and physical development
Friends and relationships
Fun and experience
Love and loving
Wealth and money
Clarity and organisation
Intuitive understanding
Creative problem solving

Be whole and be happy
Live in the present
Take care

Sean x