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Since Covid and lockdown more and more people have developed the symptoms of post trauma. This can be difficult and debilitating. However the mechanism that leads to our repression of difficult experiences is our memory. The issue with post traumatic stress disorder is not memory it is recall.

It is important to realise that our systems are designed to learn and we learn by remembering. It is the learning that keeps us safe. Throughout evolution we have kept ourselves safe by remembering what is dangerous and where that danger is. This might be plants that are poisonous, other human beings or animals that are a threat and would damage us.

When we are threatened we activate our fight or flight response. This gives the chemistry to either defend ourselves or to run away. The fear or threat that we experience may be directly to us or we may witness something happening to another person. Either way the effect is the same.

Following an incident we have POST TRAUMA STRESS (PTS). This normally last for about four to six weeks as it is gradually processed by our mind. At some point we will all have itIf the stress persists longer than six weeks we are considered to have a DISORDER or PTSD. This will require medication and/or therapy.

The disorder is described as complex, CPTSD, when the trauma is repeated over and over again. This can be common in army and police personnel and most triple nine workers and in people suffering ongoing abuse.

In PTSD experience that is overwhelming and too difficult to deal with is repressed. This means that in is encoded into memory. Rather like a box of stuff being put in the back of a cupboard and forgotten about. The mechanism that often leads to the repression is dream sleep. Often after an assault someone will sleep for a short period of time. Dream Sleep or rapid eye movement (REM) encodes the images into memory. Often the person will then get up and carry on with their life as though nothing has happened.

Repression can and be of events that are either imagined or real.
PTSD to a REAL situation leads to depression and flashbacks to the remembered event that re-enacts all the original thoughts and feelings.

Imagined Trauma is a FLASH-FORWARD of Fear/Anxiety to something that may never happen. This is a Pre Trauma Stress Disorder. It can happen when we are told that someone close to us is dying or if we are given a potentially life threatening diagnosis such as cancer. We can then use our imagination the Flash – Forward creating a daydream that uses the same REM as in Post Trauma to create a box images and feeling in the back of our mind. This can also be the basis of what is described as ‘False Memory Syndrome’.

In both pre and post trauma the brain and the mind see only the dream images and their associated chemical and emotional responses and can cannot tell which is real. However with therapy we can unpack the boxes and release any negative emotions and memories and eliminate their effects.

Repressions, either pre or post trauma, should not be confused with suppression which is the conscious withholding of feelings. Let’s say there is someone in your workplace that you don’t like and if the situation was different you would tell them exactly what you think of them. However, you suppress those negative feelings and smile and say “Hello, how are you?” This can lead to feeling of frustration, agitation, irritation, anger and so on that are all going on, suppressed, behind your apparent smile.

Repression is the unconscious withholding of feelings. That can lead to serious symptoms of depressions, fear, anxiety and many mental health issues that often require medication, therapy and even hospitalisation. In all cases of Pre Trauma, Post Trauma or suppression the feeling associated with the event or person can be triggered by smells, tastes, colours, sounds, music, television or films, books or stories or another person sharing their issues that resonate with your own.

When we are diagnosed with a post or pre trauma issues we may need…

Therapy including Psychotherapy, Counselling, CBT and other talking therapies
Mindfulness – both life style and Meditation is shown to be very effective
EMDR – EYE MOVEMENT replicates the REM allowing the release of the initial repression
EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique – Tapping also can reactivate the REM
Rewinding – As a relaxation visualisation Hypnotherapy activates REM
The Beach – Deep Relaxation and sleep Therapy activates REM
Medication – Include Antidepressants – Beta-blockers that can work alongside other therapies
AVOID SELF MEDICATION – Drugs, Alcohol, Over working, Isolation

Be happy and if you identify with post trauma or pre trauma suppression or repression talk to some and do something about it.

Take care
Sean x

This weeks blog is an experiment in that I have not directly written it. We used an AI Chat Bot to create it and see what it comes up with and it is very interesting. Perhaps this is what we can all expect in the future in many of the things that we read. I have put my contributions in bracketed italics. 

Title: Nurturing Healthy Connections: Avoiding Toxic Relationships and Recognising Warning Signs

Introduction

In our journey through life, (our responses to) relationships (and all experiences) play a fundamental role in shaping our experience (of life) and our emotional well-being. While healthy relationships bring joy, support, and growth, toxic relationships can have a detrimental impact on our mental and emotional health. Recognising and avoiding toxic relationships is crucial for our overall happiness and personal development. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies to steer clear of toxic relationships and identify warning signs in certain friendships.

Understanding Toxic Relationships:

Toxic relationships can manifest in various forms, including romantic partnerships, friendships, family connections, or even professional (or business partnerships and) interactions. These relationships are characterised by a pervasive negativity, lack of respect, and an imbalance of power. They drain our energy, diminish our self-esteem, and hinder personal growth. By understanding the common traits of toxic relationships, we can better equip ourselves to avoid them.

(In all of our relationships it is important to understand the ability of the other person to exercise both empathy and insight. Toxic or negative relationships are only changeable if the other person can understand and see what they are doing and have the insight to change their interactions.)

1. Self-Awareness: (it is important to point out that the fundamental relationships that we all have is with ourself, usually termed our ‘self-esteem’. We can have an internal toxic relationship with ourself that leads to a lack of self belief. If I don’t love me and you tell that you do love me I am likely to think that you must be mad. ‘Why would you want to love me?)
2. Building healthy relationships starts with self-awareness. (Self love is not arrogance it is healthy) Understanding your values, needs, and boundaries allows you to set the foundation for positive connections. When you have a clear sense of self, you are less likely to compromise your well-being by engaging in toxic relationships. Take the time to reflect on your core values and the qualities you seek in others, and use this knowledge as a guide in your relationships.
3. Trust Your Intuition: (Intuition often has little value to the western cognitive mind, Yet when we learn to trust our intuition we have instant insight into situations and people. Intuition is often knowing without knowing why or how we know)
4. One of the most powerful tools we possess in navigating relationships is our intuition. Pay attention to your gut feelings and instincts. If something feels off or causes you discomfort, it is essential to trust those emotions. Intuition often serves as an early warning system, helping us steer clear of toxic relationships before they become deeply ingrained.
5. Set and Maintain Boundaries: (when you clearly set boundaries you are making the rules and being a doer not a done-to)
6. Establishing and enforcing boundaries is vital in maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries define what is acceptable and what is not in your interactions with others. Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, and respect the boundaries of those around you. Toxic relationships often involve crossed boundaries and a disregard for personal limits. By maintaining strong boundaries, you can protect yourself from potentially harmful dynamics.

Spotting Warning Signs: (it may that the warning sign is in what you are feeling – intuition – it may make no sense logically but listen to that feeling)

Identifying potential red flags is essential to prevent toxic relationships from taking hold in your life. Here are some common warning signs to be mindful of when evaluating your friendships:

1. Constant Negativity:
2. Toxic relationships are often characterised by consistent negativity. If a friend consistently brings you down, criticises your ideas, or makes you feel inferior, it may be a sign of toxicity. Healthy friendships involve mutual support, encouragement, and positivity.
3. Lack of Respect: (understanding respect often begin with self respect and self love)
4. Respect is a fundamental aspect of any healthy relationship. If a friend consistently disregards your feelings, boundaries, or needs, it is a warning sign of a toxic dynamic. (If so, are they really a friend at all?) Respect should be present in all interactions, and any persistent disrespect should not be tolerated.
5. Manipulative Behaviour:
6. Toxic individuals often employ manipulative tactics to control others. Watch out for signs of manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or constant demands for attention and validation. Healthy friendships are based on trust, equality, and open communication.
7. One-Sided Relationships:
8. Relationships should be a give-and-take, with both parties contributing and benefiting. If you find yourself consistently investing more time, energy, or resources into a friendship without receiving the same in return, it may indicate an unhealthy dynamic. Balanced friendships are built on reciprocity and mutual support.
9. Emotional and Physical Drain: (Dementors and Vampires)
10. Toxic relationships can drain us emotionally and even physically. If a friend consistently leaves you feeling exhausted, stressed, or anxious, it may be a sign that the relationship is detrimental to your well-being. Surround yourself with people who uplift and energise you, rather than deplete your resources.

Conclusion:

Nurturing healthy relationships is crucial for our personal growth and happiness. By understanding the traits of toxic relationships and being aware of warning signs, we can avoid falling into harmful dynamics. Remember to prioritise self-awareness, trust your intuition, and set and maintain healthy boundaries. Surround yourself with individuals who respect, support, and inspire you to become the best version of yourself. Ultimately, investing in healthy relationships will contribute to your overall well-being and foster a positive and fulfilling life journey.

(The key to all relationships at all levels of society is simply – 

If we all look after each other we will all be okay –

A real friend will have your back and will be looking after you.)

(You will probably know that I was ill last year and had open heart surgery. People around me fell quite clearly into different categories of friendship. The vast majority of people stepped forward to help in whatever way that the could. There were those who allowed their own needs to get in the way of ours and became intrusive and there were even those who were angry with me for being ill and not being there for them. The experience certainly made me look at my relationships and make adjustments to lessen any toxicity effecting me and my recovery. It was an interesting audit and perhaps one that we should all undertake.)

(Remember this – relationships are the basis of society and of our belonging in our society and family. However, the most important relationship that you will ever have will be the one that you have with yourself. Positive self esteem is a good attribute to have and self love is not arrogance it is strength.)

Take care and be happy

Sean x

The reality of Democracy 

The word democracy comes from the Greek words “demos”, meaning people, and “kratos” meaning power; so democracy can be thought of as…

 …The Power Of People

We can think of this as a way of governing which depends on… 

…The Will Of The People

In Britain we could say that it is…

…The Will Of The Majority Of The People 

So what does that mean for the minority? Every minority in any system is subject to the will of the majority of the people unless it is an enlightened society. This is as true for human beings as it is for a troop of monkeys or a herd of sheep. The majority will always hold sway unless the minority arm themselves and scare the crap out of the majority to get their own way. This appears in many human societies as terrorism, jihad, revolution etc. It can also materialise in smaller groups as protesters and demonstrators. These may be an affront to the majority who will do their best to suppress them to maintain their position.

One of the most obvious domination by a minority was when the Nazis in Germany, which was a minority, took control of the majority and then attempted to take over the entire world. Although the majority was very powerful it took then six years of the Second World War to finally defeat the minority. There are lots of parallels in many countries where similar things have taken place.

It seems that we now have a majority that are mistreating the planet in terms of pollution and exhaustion of resources. The minority are taking to the streets to protest about oil, fossil fuels and the animal abuse in farming etc. 

In a democracy, through the ballot box, we assume that the will of the majority of people will be enacted in their best interest. Is this so? There have been many cases when the best interests of our representatives and/or big business have dominated the majority point of view. 

When we, as a country, chose to join the EU the majority voted for it. Then we have a section of society that begins as a minority who are able to use the tricks of the trade in persuasion through social media, general media, advertising etc to change the minds of the majority and dominate them and then the vote is to leave the EU.

It would seem that we are in external conflict between vested self interest, the needs of the individual, the power of the majority and the striving of the minority to be heard. These things are something that you would assume that democracy was meant to overcome. Yet here we are in the thick of it.

Just as an aside, I wonder how many Russian people were, or are, actually in favour of being at war with Ukraine. Was this an act by the powerful minority in power, not dissimilar to the Nazis, to vilify an entire population to justify their act of going to war? 

I have seen the same power politics in many of the organisations that I have covered over the years. I certainly saw it in the NHS and I see it on a regular basis in families.

There seems to be a dilemma how can we ensure that we are all heard that a fairness pervades in the way that we do out business politically, economically and socially? I keep saying it but…

…If we all ,look after each other we will all be okay

The problem as I see it is that whereas in the past descent was expressed through bows and arrows and throwing stones now we have weapons of mass destruction and the ability to destroy each others systems at a cyber level. We are probably more vulnerable now than we have ever been. 

It is real that one wrong move from a egotistical individual or group could destroy or severely damage life on this planet and even bring it to an end.

We have an interesting time ahead when it will be down to those that are awake enough to assist our brothers and sisters who remain deep asleep into the light of increased awareness and then hopefully we will all survive.

This is what would happen as we made the move from the age of Pisces to the age of Aquarius. Fingers crossed. We all need to stay positive and do as much as we can to assist each other or the next thing will be AI taking over….

Hey Ho!

Sean x

This week our son got married. It was a deeply powerful ceremony packed with meaning and emotion. He and his partner made a life long commitment to be together, to look after each other and to remain honest and true to each other. They exchanged rings symbolically expressing the commitment they had just entered into. In their coming together there was the greater union of two entire families coming together. It was as though the two tribes, with their individual identities had, or were in the process of, becoming one.

It can be easy to assume that relationships are all the same. That all relationships are just like our own. Yet every relationship is different and individual. How would you describe your relationship?

I know from working psychologically and therapeutically with many couples that often what people have and what people want or desire can be a very different thing. I detect that the social norms that have underpinned our society maybe on the move or at least being questioned and challenged.

My son and his partner have made an agreement to be exclusive to each other as a part of our society that generally has settled on a model of monogamy as our social norm. Though most research suggests that a high percentage of people, perhaps as high as 60%, do have affairs though these are, in the main, hidden.

Where did monogamy come from?
‘Gamy’ comes from the Greek gamous meaning marriage. Monogamous means one marriage. In modern terms this would mean one partner. Monogamy in modern relationships also means to be faithful to that one partner. Which in turn means not to have sexual relationships or to be intimate with other people out side of the monogamous relationship.

Monogamy probably has it’s roots in the Abrahamic religions and was probably a socio-economic structure that enabled social organisation and often control. Monogamy, as a social structure, creates social organisation and the development of laws, property rites and inheritance and therefore has a financial element. Once there is a firm social structure the lineage of a family can be traced back to prehistory following either the maternal or paternal line. The fact that we know in the UK who the next monarch will be is because there is a rule of law and a succession of family rites. However, all of the laws based in property and people all have their origin in the monogamous structure of society.

Serial Monogamy is when someone is faithful to an individual relationships while they are in it yet they may choose to end a relationship and begin another one which they will also be faithful to. In our society the I ssues of separation and divorce have raised another whole set of laws and rules to deal with changing rites of all those involved. It is probable that without monogamy and the subsequent social structure there would be no need for solicitors, lawyers and many of our courts.

Polygamy is a marriage with more than one person. Poly being the Greek word for ‘many’. Across the world polygamy is usually one man with several female wives. It is rare to find one woman with several husbands. John Smith of the Mormon faith reputedly had up to 40 wives. In Islam, under both Shia and Sunni law, a man can have up to four wives. A woman having more than one husband is not allowed.

Polyamory, which is described as ‘consensual’ is to have loving, and often sexual relationships, with several people at the same time. This does not mean acting sexually all at once but is having more than one ongoing relationship. In many Polyamorous relationships the various participants my never all meet. However, what occurs is all open and transparent so that all those involved understand what is happening. Those practising polyamory are often in one main relationship and have other relationships within, or around this.

Throuples
The throuple has three participants whereas a couple has two. Again all the throuples that I have known are one man and two women I not yet come across one woman wit two men.

Open relationship is when members of a main relationship have sexual relationships with other people though it may not have the same transparency as in a clearly polyamorous relationship or a throuple. However it may include sex between three people all at the same time often described as troilism. Some throuples will be troilist. Or in the extreme case in the open relationship there maybe multiple people involved, up to as many as are in an orgy.

Most animal species are polygamous excepting birds who often mate for life. As birds are directly descended from dinosaurs it may be that they were also monogamous and mated for life with the same partner.

Marriage
Throughput human evolution the commitment of couples has been both a social and political function that has held the fabric of society together. Of then the joining of two people would join two groups of people as one. Feuding families came to peace by joining together. Land disputes and empires were often resolved and built on through mutually beneficial marriages.

Monogamy and reality
Research results vary a little but they indicate that fifty to sixty over cent of people are unfaithful at sometime in their marriage or main relationship. Some genome/ DNA research suggests that up to 30% of children may not belong to the father who is raising them as his own.

The selfish gene was described by Richard Dawkins as the need of the individual to carryon their own genetic line and therefore taking any opportunity on offer to reproduce. As we know that continuous breeding within a population, known as inbreeding, leads to a dilution of the available gene pool that can results in various genetic mutations. This happens in closed communities who for cultural or religious reason only allow for breeding with the limited group. As the strength of a species is dependent on cross fertilisation it would suggest that the selfish gene idea would support what we do know about the process of evolution. We can see in the breeding of dogs that the mongrel is stronger with higher immunity than the thorough bred.

Single sex relationships
Society is more accepting of single sex relationships that, between two men, were illegal only a few years ago. Many churches will now perform single sex marriages and give them the church’s blessing.

Non Binary
To identify as non binary, neither make nor female, gives rise to whole new set of relationships that may manifest as straight, homosexual, lesbian or bisexual. Whatever we call it and however we sexually identify in most cases the relationships remain the joining of two people into a committed relationship. We must also acknowledge that the various forms of more open relationships are faithful to the mutual agreement made between the various participants.

Living alone in a committed relationship
I guess that in looking at relationships we need to also shout our for the singletons. I am aware that there is growing trend for people who do not want to be married but do want to be in a faithful, monogamous relationship with another person who they do not live with. These people, usually termed singletons, maintain their serious ongoing relationship with a permanent partner but choose to have their own house, accommodation or space. As a committed couple they may spend time together in each other’s houses but also choose to be alone in their own place. Also, singletons can, and often do, have children that they parent between them.
Celibacy
If are to take into account the whole gamut of relationships, many of which would have a sexual component, we should acknowledge the world of celibacy. The celibate is the person who chooses not to share themselves sexually with others. Celibates may have all kinds and varieties of relationships with all kinds of people. However they have, at some point, decided that these relationships will be non sexual and platonic. A platonic relationship is purely spiritual and not physical. The celibate person may have a sexual relationship but it would be considered as ‘sex for one’ that does involve orgasmic experiences but alone.

I guess there are many other sorts of relationships that could be added to this lists such as cyber sex and Teledildonics. The issues is that what every type of relationship you might engage in can mostly all be monogamous other than the poly relationships. Over all there is no rule and no book of words that will tell the right from the wrong. It will always come back to ‘does it work for you?’ As long as each person involved agrees to and is happily engaged in what takes place what is the problem?

So, however it works for you enjoy your life and enjoy your relationship and whoever you are with just be caring and be kind. That way we can all be happy.

Take care

Sean x