Be Kind

Will Smith: “Violence in all of its forms is poisonous and destructive. My behaviour at last night’s Academy Awards was unacceptable and inexcusable. Jokes at my expense are part of the job, but a joke about Jada’s medical condition was too much for me to bear and I reacted emotionally,” Smith wrote. “I would like to publicly apologise to you, Chris. I was out of line and I was wrong. I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be. There is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness.”

We live in a strange world where physical violence is seen as bad and verbal violence becomes acceptable. Is it okay for someone to make a joke about your partner on national TV? Do we sit back and say nothing? To be kind is so easy and creates so  much positivity. Why do we need to get nasty?

According to Wikipedia kindness is a behaviour marked by: 

Ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern for others. 

It is known as a virtue, and recognised as a value. 

Google defines kindness as 

‘The quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate’.

How do you define it?

When I was a kid we read the book ‘The Water Babies’ by Charles Kingsley. In the story there was a wonderful character called Mrs Do As You Would Be Done By. She ensured that whatever the children’s behaviour it was reflected back to them. Later in my travels I discovered the laws of Karma and Dharma and the concept that ‘what goes around comes around’.

If the law of karma is real then we should all have a vested interest in treating other people well on the basis that we will also be treated in the same way. This can make acts of kindness and altruism begin to sound too calculated though, in terms of social stability, in any community or group of people, treating others fairly means that I will be treated fairly as well. This makes good sense.

In Ayurvedic psychology acting positively and serving the needs of others without expecting anything in return is termed ‘Bhakti’. People such as Ghandi, Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela, amongst many others, would fall into this category. People who have given of themselves without great reward or aggrandisement. You will probably know of people in your life or community who are like that and are Bhakti.

Kindness or treating other people fairly and well is enshrined in most religions and philosophies. In the Ayurvedic and Hindu worlds acting in the right way is termed dharma. According to…

‘The word “dharma” has multiple meanings depending on the context in which it is used. These include: conduct, duty, right, justice, virtue, morality, religion, religious merit, good work according to a right or rule, etc. Many others meanings have been suggested, such as law or “torah” (in the Judaic sense), “logos” (Greek), “way” (Christian) and even ‘tao” (Chinese).’ 

Though there are no equivalent word for the concept/word dharma in the Western lexicon.

‘Dharma has the Sanskrit root dhri, which means “that which upholds” or “that without which nothing can stand” or “that which maintains the stability and harmony of the universe.” Dharma encompasses the natural, innate behaviour of things, duty, law, ethics, virtue, etc. Every entity in the cosmos has its particular dharma — from the electron, which has the dharma to move in a certain manner, to the clouds, galaxies, plants, insects, and of course, man. Man’s understanding of the dharma of inanimate things is what we now call physics.’

For me psychological or spiritual dharma is to act in the right way in every situation all the time. An ideal to aim for, though hard to achieve. This is what we in ‘live in the present’ term mindfulness. To be mindful in the moment, to be aware of yourself and the other people around you means that you can do nothing but act in the right way which is to act with kindness. Being mindful, being positive, being kind and being happy are all facets of the same attitude of mind and way of being.

Kindness is in the same spectrum as love. It is part of the positive forces that brings people together, solves problems and creates happiness.

However you would express your acts of kindness, it would be good if we could all spend one day each week being consciously kind it might change the world.

When Will Smith slapped Chris Rock, live on TV, after he had just insulted his wife, was he creating a bad karma or was he acting Dharmically. We could say that Chris Rock had it coming and that it is never okay to belittle other people. Or we could say that Will Smith gave a bad example of how not to act when brought to anger. 

What would you have done?

Be kind and be happy

Sean x

Happiness is infectious

Let’s make a pandemic (of happiness)!

As the various disruptions have happened in society over the last few years psychologist  tell us that happiness is really a state on mind. I guess most of us would agree that this is in most ways true but I would think it takes a lot of strength and belief to keep cracking jokes when the bombs are going off outside.   (https://www.happiness.com/magazine/inspiration-spirituality/why-happiness-is-a-state-of-mind/) 

Over the last few years leaders from across the world are also now deciding to tell his that happiness is a state of mind. Bhutan is held  up as a world where happiness is described as their “gross domestic product” (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-14243512).  This seems a level of enlightenment that the rest of us can only observe with envy or discount as nonsense. It may be something that we all need to tap into right now.

All that we now know about brains and neuroscience tells us that this idea is really on the money, and that we all do create our own experience, in the sense that we do have choices as to how we respond to any event in life, even the worst. It is hard to decide whether the political drive behind publishing such an idea as happiness for all is real concern for our welfare or a way of making the difficult decisions about economic cuts in mental health support more palatable.

Many apps now offer us ways to step over our negative thoughts and feeling. Our friend Andy Puddicombe at http://www.getsomeheadspace.com/, is actively attempting to change that way that we all think and feel with his headspace meditation programmes.

My own area of work with mangers in both the private and public sector to develop a coaching style of management that improves the moral of staff because, surprise, surprise, a happy workforce is more productive.  Check out this article (http://m.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/jul/15/happiness-work-why-counts?cat=money&type=article), it explains why a positive work force might actually save money and even make money.

In my own work I know that when an organisation decides that their customers are more important that their staff, they have lost the point.  The principle is simple, if you look after your staff they will always look after your customers because it is in the ethos.  Just go into an Apple Store, or a branch of John Lewis and you will realise what I mean.

When I first started my training in psychotherapy my teacher said very clearly “what you hold in your bindi will come to pass”.  In western psycho speak we would say “thoughts become things”.  Now neuropsychology tells us the same thing.  Once we understand that we are in control of what we do and think, we do have choice.  The biggest realisation is that we are also in control of what we feel.  Mindful managers, politicians and leaders who understand this encourage others to feel positive and good. This has never been more important. In the likely troubles ahead as things get tighter we need to stay positive.

If we take the politics, the news and Covid out of the idea then it is exactly and completely true.  The only reason that anyone is not happy is that they have learned to be that way.  When you are in a miserable or unhappy state it can feel that the task of being happy is impossible and that the idea of having a choice is ridiculous or even demeaning.  It may be hard but the one thing that I have to tell you is that if you are not living a happy life then you have learned that way of being, thinking and feeling, probably from the moment of birth. These habits do not serve you well, and, whatever your situation you can change it to create the life that you want.  It may sound far fetched, it may sound ridiculous, but over the years I have worked with thousands and thousands of people who have down exactly that, including me.

So, how about for a little while we forget the politicians, health and wars and concentrate on ourselves, how do you feel today?  If your response is anything other than “I’m doing ok” or at a pinch “it’s tough, but i’m getting there” you need some help to the get your head on the right way around. There are plenty of books and ideas that will help you in your task including the resources on the liveinthepresent.co.uk website.

Marharishi Mahesh Yogi, the inventor of transcendental meditation had one simple aim.  If he could get six million people meditating a the same time then the bioenergetic mindbank would be great enough to affect the course of human destiny for the good. I wonder how powerful the mindbank would need to be to change the course of Russias aggression.

Have you meditated today? When you do meditate you add a bit more positive energy to the collective consciousness.

Take care and be happy 

Sean x

Listening to your inner voice  – it might be your friend

We all have that inner voice that tells us if we are doing right or wrong. I say we all have it even a full blown psychopath has an inner voice it is just that it is never heard or listened to. Your inner voice is your conscience.

When we look at our friend Vladimir we can see that he is unable to hear or listen to his inner voice. He is able act in ways that cause others pain, distress and death or worse to many thousands of people. What does it take for us to listen to our inner voice? Well like all aspects of human consciousness it is the same, either pain or awareness. Either we are aware and awake enough to listen to it or we need some pain to make us wake up enough to listen. We could say that Vladimir, who is probably the product of a highly dysfunctional childhood, has no consciousness, though he does. What we do not know is how deeply it is buried within him and if there will come a point when he will be able to hear it.

Do you ever wonder why you have a conscience? Could it be that your conscience is actually a very important part of your life process? If you think about it, you would be in big trouble without it. Without some kind of internal voice you would never question what you were doing or why you were doing it. This leads to real narcissistic and totally self centred behaviour that allows us to do whatever we want and take whatever we want without any consideration for the effect that it might have on other people. Psychopaths are unable to hear their conscience and sociopaths have learned to ignore their conscience.

Your conscience is your positive inner voice that is giving you sound advice though It can create internal arguments that may lead you to suspect that you are going mad…

‘why are you doing that?’

‘I don’t know’

‘But you know you shouldn’t be doing it’

‘I know’

‘So why are you doing it?’

‘I don’t know’

and so on….

It can feel like your conscience is a pain and a problem. Many people attempt to quiet their inner voice with intoxication or use their intellect to create rationalisations and justifications to avoid facing up to the demands of their inner voice. Yet to the awake mind the inner voice is very positive thing. Could it be that… 

your conscience is really your very good friend!

 

You inner voice isn’t the enemy, it is a friend who’s delivering the positive criticism to enable you consider your feelings, the feelings of others and the outcome of your actions. You probably have friends or family who do that for you from time to time. Well, your inner voice is doing it all the time if you listen to it.

 

The trick is to understand that your inner voice is on your side delivering genuinely constructive criticism. It is the inspiring coach who urges you to do your best. Your inner voice and your happiness are not mutually exclusive they are, in the end, the same thing. The easiest way to get to know your inner voice is to still your outer voice. This is meditation – the silence in which you are able to hear the answer to your problems.

When we have an issue, a question or a problem we tend to turn outwards ask for advice or reach for Google. While there is nothing wrong with seeking feedback and advice from other the answer often lie within. We just need to be still for long enough to listen to it.

Most people will start with five or ten minutes a day. This can build to twenty and then thirty. The best effects come from a daily one hour. I won’t the word meditation. It is enough just to sit in silence, allow your mind to do what it want and be still. Ideally in a quiet room with your eyes closed. There are plenty of recording on the LITP site.

Gradually, over time, your mind will become still and your inner voice will become clearer. 

 

Be still and listen.

Take care 

Sean x 

Message in a bottle

We have been asked in this episode to look at addiction with particular attention to alcohol.

We use the word ‘addiction’ to indicate an illness which is based on the behaviour of a person who is compulsively or habitually ‘addicted’ to a substance or a set of behaviours. Most behaviours that are described as addictions are seen as negative. When we hear the word addiction we tend to think of drugs or alcohol. We might even consider the workaholic. Which ever way we view it addiction is seen negative.

I will get onto alcohol in a minute but first consider this…

Perhaps we are all addicts

I would like to suggest another way of looking at it, we are all addicted, we are all addicts, it is just that we are often unaware of what we are addicted to. So my question is…

What is your addiction?

An addiction is simply a chemical state, that is in both our brain and our body.  We become addicted when we have learned to accept this chemistry as our ‘normal’ state of being. The chemistry comes from the habits that we have practiced from the moment of our both. We know that when someone exercises regularly their brain responds by releasing powerful endorphins. We also know that once this chemistry has been established  as their normal they can become addicted to this exercise. Once this habit has been established we find that if they are unable to exercise, perhaps because of an injury, they go into withdrawal just like any drug addict. All the symptoms of drug withdrawal are played out through their brain and body until either they restore the exercise and the chemistry or undergo the ‘cold turkey’ of drug withdrawal and re establish a new chemical norm.

Any behaviour from meditation to sex, from knitting to hill walking, from laughing to crying, will have a chemical effect on our mind body system. Once these are established in our mind brian they become our habit and our chemical normal. The issues of anxiety, anger, depression, love and happiness may also be our addictions.

As an ex drug addict, mainly opium and having had an interesting relationship with alcohol, I know quite a lot about alcohol and drugs as a therapist but also as a practitioner.

Let’s have a look at alcohol

Alcohol 

Alcohol is probably one of the most natural substances we can become addicted to. I have seen horses in very strange states after eating fermenting apples that had fallen from the trees in an orchard. Human beings probably slipped quite easily into using alcohol as the vegetables and fruits around them fermented and the relationship was made between the alcohol and the pleasurable feeling of being tipsy or drunk.

The way that alcohol works is that it turns off the frontal lobe of the brain which takes away our worries, concerns and feelings. Alcohol is an emotional anaesthetic. We stop feeling. Then we get the rebound of the depressant effect as the frontal lobes attempts to fire up again. When the depressant effect is on us the easiest thing to do is to have another drink, known as the ‘hair of the dog’, and anaesthetise the depression. Once the cycle is established it is the normal behaviour of addiction. However the cycle will vary. Some people can drink a lot of alcohol before their frontal lobe switches off. For others it may be half a glass of wine. The thing is that once the frontal lobe switches off resistance to more alcohol and normally unacceptable behaviours diminishes. Plus all reason and cognitive thinking is lost.

Controlled drinking/drug programmes 

My experience is that for the vast majority of people controlled programmes do not work. For most of us you are either in or out. One of the main problems with alcohol is that, outside of Muslim countries, there is an alcohol pusher on every street corner, in every super market and in television adverts. It is the wests acceptable addiction.

Therapy

Therapy is usually the only answer. That often means rehab and some supportive medication as the addictive cycle quietens down in the system. In our society in the UK I do still commonly deal with alcohol, nicotine, skunk and anger addictions. Though I experience that we are all addicted to something even if that means being addicted to having a completely clean system.

So what is your addiction?

Your chemical normal is the one that makes you feel just right. It comes from the habits that you have established throughout your life. If something happens to alter your ‘normal’ you will adopt behaviours that will return your chemistry to recreate your normal. My normal involves meditation, cooking, often running, definitely playing music, mainly guitar, certainly working with other people and always my lovely Rie and holidays away. When I am deprived of my addictions I feel withdrawal and need to act to bring my chemistry back to my normal.

Some addictions are good, as in they do not harm us or others. Bad addictions do harm us or other people. We have a choice. Once we mindfully examine our behaviours we can decide which addictions we will feed and allow to grow and which once we will starve and allow to wither.

We may decide that allowing our children to develop the habit of internet gaming is a good or a bad addiction. Current evidence would suggest this is a bad addiction.

Be happy and check your addictions.

Take care

Sean x

Letting go of the past

In modern psychology we talk a lot about living in the present, letting go of what has been and c relating the future that we want to live. The reality for us all is that you cannot get into you or present and create a new future if you are weighed down and hampered by unresolved past. In order that we are able to move on into a new future, that is not hampered by the weight of the unresolved past, we often need to do an internal audit of stock take at this time. Even that sounds easier than it is. Let’s have quick review of what we mean by past, present and future.

The Past

The past can seem solid. It is what has happened and we hold it in our memory to explain who we are and what we are like we are. You could say that we are all the sum total of what we have learned from all the things that we have experienced in our life. In this life time it would be from the moment that we drew our first breath. I guess we would need to add in some genetic and social information from the family that we have been born into. 

Karmas

The word karma simply means the consequence of action. Everything that we do has an effect, we are that effect. Karma is simply the consequence it neither good nor bad.

Samskars

For those the believe in reincarnation a samskar is a karma that has been carried over from a previous life time. If this is true and we have had many life time we may be carrying unresolved issues from the past.

The Present

We talk about the present as being something solid. ‘Be in the present we say’, ‘Be here now’. Actually the present is so transitory that it hardly exists. As soon as you read the previous sentence it became the past. The present lasts a millionth of a nano second then it becomes part of the past.

Becoming

Quantum physics suggests that we should view the present as a state of becoming. That is what we are doing now is creating a consequence or karma that is our future. It is perfectly possible to live in the present and many people do but they see it as a fluid state in motion not as a fixed event.

The Future

From our point of view the future does not exist until we create it. We are also at becoming what we will be. Just as I am the result of all that I have done in the past, I will

become the sum total of all that I am doing now. I am creating my future.

The Anatomy Of The Past

Memory has three components that need to be processed for us to move beyond the ties that bind us to the past. These are thinking, doing, and feeling.

Thinking

Thought and cognition are structural concepts. When it comes to memory these are the bones that support the memory. They are factual and descriptive and very black and white. They are the description of what took place.

Doing

This the physical effect of the memory. It may appear as pain in the body or feelings of discomfort. It could be in muscle memory in a skill or set of actions. Or it could simply be a habit. When we have a habit we often say ‘that’s just the way that I am’. It is never that, it is a case of that is how I learned to be and the magic is we can relearn and change if we want to.

Feeling

This is the real issue. Both thinking and doing have no side. They are simply the descriptive and physical response to events. The glue that keeps us trapped in our past is our emotions. Emotions are the glue and the energy that keeps a karma in place. We do not realise it but we have control over our emotions. We can hold onto them or we can let them go, we can change them.

Unlike thinking and doing the key to emotion is the pictures. If I ask you to think about your last holiday what appears in your consciousness are the images, either as stills or as movies of the events that took place. With those images comes emotional connections. This is the glue that keeps us attached to the past either positive or negative. If we have unresolved emotions about a person or an event and we review them all the feeling come porting back as we review the pictures.

A picture tells a thousand words

Dissolving emotional bonds

We are all processing and dissolving negative emotional bonds all the time, we do it every day. It is the big ones that we get stuck on. There are several processes that can enhance our ability to dissolve these bonds.

Mindfulness

In practising mindfulness we focus on becoming what will happen next and not on

regurgitating unresolved past. It is alway true with the mind that…

…thoughts become things. What we think about we bring about.

Forgiveness

This is the LITP step one. It involves visualising this things that you have problems with and processing the emotions so that they gradually become desensitised. When emotions are desensitised you are able to review the memory without becoming emotionally aroused. You can never change the structural cognitive memory or the body memory but you can change how you feel about it.

Psychotherapy 

When we get stuck we sometimes need another voice or point of view. We need to see a new perspective. In good psychotherapy this is what happens. In collective therapeutic relations we find effective way to move on.

Rewinding

This is an analytical hypnotherapy technique. It is very powerful when working with trauma, deep trauma, abuse, PTSD and CPTSD.

We only carry the past with us through our own choice. Once we decide to put it down we are lighter, happier and able to move forward.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Keep Smiling

Someone said to me ‘do a blog to make me smile’. I went away and though about it. Science tells us that it takes seventeen muscles to smile and as many as forty three to frown. That means it takes a lot more effort to be miserable than it does to be happy. So, what it is that makes some people happy while others are not. So what does the science tell us.

Money. Many people consider higher per capita income is a precursor to happiness. Having sufficient resources to survive with comfort and to feel that there is no stress can certainly a part of happiness. However having more money than you need does not actually make you happy. We joke that at least with money ‘you can be miserable in comfort’ but it proves that money will never make you happy. It is said to say that I have worked with so many people who are very rich and very miserable. I guess we need enough money so that we don’t have to worry about it but so much that we do have to worry about it. For many people too much money is a burden.

Health plays an enormous part in happiness. Health creates greater life expectancy, less time off work and more time to be happy. When we exercise we have higher levels of happy hormones in our brain. We know that raising your heart rate for just twenty minutes a day can really support your mental health.

Autonomy is important. People’s freedom to make life decisions is a part of creating their individual happiness. So many people do what they do because they feel that they should or to please other people. This approach to life seldom leads to happiness. It is so important to do things that make you feel good.

Generosity in both giving and receiving raises the spirit. I can remember when I was training reading the research about how the effect of giving could create more positive endorphins in the giver than those in the receiver. It seems that giving makes us feel good. 

Belonging. We all need friends, family and social support that creates a sense of belonging and overcomes loneliness. Happiness does not need to come from big social events. Often it is the small ones, the family gatherings, Sunday lunches and so on that make us feel like we belong. 

Happiness consists more in small conveniences of pleasures that occur every day than in great pieces of good fortune that happen but seldom”. Benjamin Franklin 

The Vikings left us with happiness. So what is the secret?

Genetics, in Scandinavians are shown to have a particular effect. There are three genes that, when activated, create increased levels of serotonin which is the natural precursor of wellbeing. Now, any country that, in history, was near to or invaded by the Vikings have this genetic structure, Guess what? British people have a genetic structure that is very close to that of the vikings. So why are us Brits not showing our happiness, rather than moaning about our lives? Or Are us Brits happier than we let on?

All these issues, beyond that of genetics, are considered by scientists to be too subjective, too emotional. Associate professor Wataru Sato and his team at Japan’s Kyoto University went one step further into trying to understand the basis of happiness. The researchers used scans to determine which areas of the brain are involved in people feeling happy. The results showed that volunteers who rated highly on happiness surveys had more grey matter (cells) in their brains.

MEDITATION/MINDFULNESS

Now, this is the magic part of this research. We know how we can increase the grey matter in our brains, we meditate. Brains scans have shown, for years, that mindful meditation increases the grey matter in the brain, especially around the areas that control our emotional experience in the limbic system. the bottom line is:  

It does not matter how good your life is materially, 

if you do not have enough grey  brain cells 

it will never feel good enough inside your emotions 

So, what we have learned is that if we do have a genetic predisposition to happiness we might be ahead of the game, and that the nearer we are to Scandinavia the more likely we are to have a positive genetic makeup. But that is not the end of it. We now know, from the scientific research, built around brain scans, shows that if you regularly meditate you will create more grey matter in your brain, ( it takes about two years of daily practice) and we know that more grey matter equal more positive control of our emotional self. In short it creates happiness.

The bottom line is that we all need to meditate and that we need to practise meditation persistently and consistently on a daily basis over time. If you know an experienced meditator you will be aware of their calmness and lack of stress. You may also be aware of their general efficiency is their work and their happiness in their life generally.

Devote some time to yourself, be happy and, if you can, try some meditation.

Take care

Sean x

   

Is it time to change the day job?

Following on from the last episode I had a conversation with a group of workers who have decided to do something different. The group discussion got into the fear of staying where they are as opposed to the fear of change and owing something different. It would seem that one of the lessons gained from Covid over the last two years is that life is short and we need to get the best out of it that we can. This raised a lot of conversation about fears and inhibition. In the end of the twelve that were there about a third who decided that it was too scary to change, a third who were scared to stay as they are and a third who couldn’t decide. It was the younger ones who were more open to the idea of change and chancing a new way of life.

  What would be your dream job? 

If you could do what ever job you wanted what would it be?

Ed and I both feel like we are doing our dream jobs. We both love what we do and really enjoy the process of being alive. I always say that if you can wake up with a smile on your face and go to bed with a smile on your face then you have cracked it, you have got your life right.

The thing is that most of us do what we do because we feel that we have little and that we have no choice. At school most people are pushed to go in a certain way that the education system believes they will be good at. Or maybe it is security. When I was a kid I was told that if you worked in a bank, for the police, in health or as a teacher you will have a job for life. Well, that might be so true these days but back then people grabbed the jobs that was seen as safe and secure and hung onto them until retirement. That was true even if they hated the job, and they often did.

I have worked with so many people who not only hate their work life but don’t like their home life that much either. We can becomes trapped by those wonderful British attitudes…

‘Better the devil you know’

‘Leopard can’t change it’s spots’

‘Old dogs can’t learn new tricks’

‘Don’t throw away dirty water until you have clean’

‘Won’t be long it will be Friday’

‘It could be worse’

‘Why change, no one cares anyway’

‘The grass isn’t always greener’

…..this list goes ever on.

It has always been surprising to me how many people are not happy with their lives as they have been living them and yet they continue to do so year after year. Covid seems to have brought this into focus for a lot of people and the desire to change seems to be growing and turning into action. I have more people telling me that they are changing their jobs and I have teams struggling because their main experience base has left.

I believe that we can all find a way of living that works for us. And, if we are prepared to work at it we can find our dream life and our dream job.

For me it was the decision that whatever I would do with me life I would only do it if it made me happy. When I was honest with myself the two things that made me really happy was working with people and playing music and since the beginning of the 1980s that is exactly what I have done.

I couldn’t say that I have a dream job because I don’t feel like I go to work. I simply wake up with a smile on my face and get on with my life and I love it. The pleasure of working with people and watching them flower and discover who they really is a joy beyond words. That is even true of those that are the slow burners and take a very long time to change.

We all deserve to be happy and fulfilled. First, if you need to decide what would make you feel happy and fulfilled. Second, you need to gather the resources around you that you enable that change to take place. Third, you need the courage to dare yourself to be different and become what you would like. 

As they say, ‘who dares wins’.

Be happy and live your dream

Take care

Sean x

We don’t have to be disappointed

A listener asked us to look at the effects of personal disappointments. Coming out of Covid they have trying to get a new job. They were asking what to do when the job interview doesn’t go so well or when they feel let down in other areas of their life? This raises the issues of competition and the idea of winners and losers. At the moment it can be easy to feel like a loser. In tough competition we often see it as the survival of the fittest. Then we can feel like we are the weak one. The reality is that in a competitive world disappointment is just a fact of life. You can’t have one without the other. Currently there may be two hundred people going for one job. That means there will be a lot of disappointed people.

But there are alternatives to feeling bad and disappointed about it 

To be disappointed you first have to buy into the concept of wining and losing, of gain and loss. These concepts involve the separation of ‘us’ and ‘them’ or ‘you’ and ‘me’. For ‘me’ to win or succeed ‘you’ have to lose or fail’. If ‘we’ win ‘they’ lose. These tribal separations are the seed of all conflicts and wars be it religious, sexual, ideological, sectarian, ethnic or whatever. Just look at the Russia Ukraine stand off. Who will win? Who will lose? Is it possible that they can both win? Or, is it possible that they both lose?

You can’t be disappointed without your permission.

In the personal sense for ‘me’ to succeed at the interview and get the job ‘you’ will be disappointed. On the other hand you ‘you’ get the job then ‘I’ will be disappointed. Unless we begin to see this process of winning and losing in a different way. Perhaps these things that I identify as disappointments are actually good things.

We don’t have problems we just have learning opportunities 

My own assumption is that the universe is not out to get me ( I don’t think that it is) and that the things that I am presented with are for my own growth and development then I can learn and grow. I am not a fatalist I believe in free will but I do get the law of attraction and see that the things that happen to me do so because they are meaningful to me and my own level of development. I see the same things as true for you also. In this way nothing is ever bad. It is my response to what happens that labels it as either good or bad.

What if I didn’t get the job because, in the greater scheme of things, it would have been damaging to me or the wrong direction for me, maybe it would have held me back and not allowed me to develop to do even greater things? If this were the case the fact that I didn’t get the job should be a focus of celebration and thanks not one of disappointment and loss.

To be disappointed assumes… 

1: Expectation. This is craving, my demand for the outcome that my ego seeks. When we project forward in expectation of outcomes, be they good or bad, we are firing up our anxiety circuits. Learning to see the things that happen in life not as problems but as learning opportunities then our anxiety dissolve. If you consider that the human race has survived because we each have this amazing problem solving ability that, should we need it, will come to our aid and solve whatever the issues is that we are faced with. If we see it this was it is true that…

…we don’t have problems we have learning opportunities.

2: Loss. This is attachment, my inability to let go of my feelings of possession for things, people, events or the belief of what I saw as ‘mine’. It could be that I saw the job as ‘mine’ before I went to the interview. This attachment to the past creates depression. When we feel the loss or bereavment for what was, or for what might have been we often ruminate. When this happens the rumination keeps it negatively alive, so that many years after an event it can still feel like it is live action, as though it has just happened.

When we learn to let go we overcome depression and  and stop projecting into the future we can then live in the present. In the present, in the now there can never be any disappointment because there is no attachment to the past and there is no carving for the future. The trick to living in the present is gratitude. The following is attributed to Buddha.

Let us rise up and be thankful, 

for if we didn’t learn a lot today, 

at least we learned a little, 

and if we didn’t learn a little, 

at least we didn’t get sick, 

and if we got sick, 

at least we didn’t die; 

so, let us be thankful.

At the end of each line of the above the option is to be disappointed or grateful. It is not what happens it is the way that we see it. We are not effected by events but by our response to those events.

In a very real sense being disappointed is a choice. What do you choose?

Take care

Sean X

Doubt and Fear – Living with Uncertainty

I have an Auntie who at the age of 94 remains so amazingly positive. She has a natural habit of positivity that will not allow anything to get her down. She genuinely sees the things that happen to her as lessons for her to learn and listening to her she has certainly been tested in her life. She has a very strong faith that certainly underpins her attitudes in life. She has the positive habit.

Doubt and fear are both forms of anxiety and worry. We know that worrying is a habit as is being happy. If you are a worrier, or if you are happy, then you were not born like it, where did you learn it? These like all habits are the results of consistent persistent practice over time. Most habits are learned at an early age through observation. We observe behaviours, usually from our parents or siblings and then we practise them and make them our own.

What you feed grows and what you starve dies

Habits can be either cognitive or affective, they are what we think or what we feel. Some psychology suggests that we learn the thinking part first and that leads to the negative feelings of worry. Others would suggest that the feelings lead to the negative thoughts. For me me it can be either, though it is usually a mixture of both. 

Sometimes we just feel lousy, anxious or concerned but we don’t know what about. Carl Jung described this as ‘something within us yet outside of our control’. When we just feel bad we can search for a reason and attach a negative thought process to it that makes sense of it. Once we have attached the thought to that feeling they are forever connected so that when we feel it we think it and when we think it we feel it.

Mindfulness allows you to observe doubt and worry and not take it on board 

Odd as it may seem we can make anxious associations with the strangest of things it may be a banana or the colour blue, a sound, smell or the tone of someone’s voice. Once we have linked thoughts and feelings together they have a symbiotic relationship that is there forever unless until we wake up to what we are doing and uncouple them. 

Mindful practise helps us disconnect our negative links

The first step in developing mindfulness to overcome worrying is to become the observer of yourself, so that ‘I’ can observe ‘me’ thinking, feeling or doing. When we observe we can begin to see the distortions of our thinking feeling and doing that are creating our anxiety, worry, and stress. Often these are unconscious distortions that, through mindfulness, can become conscious and then we can deal with them.

So, first step is learn to observe your distortions…

Common Distortions

ref: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm (Thanks for the site guys, a great resource)

All-or-nothing thinking – black-or-white – Life or death. Where are always the shades of grey? Life is never black and white, there will always be a compromise, a third point of view, another way of doing it. It is only by standing back and observing our thinking and feeling that we can move beyond this fixation. Or we can ask other people for their perspective and gain further insight.

Overgeneralisation – “it will always be like this…I’ll never be able to…it always happens to me…” I call this scripting. The habit of thinking this way leads to repeated behaviours. Life becomes a done deal. As soon as I make these statements I am ensuring that they will come true and that my life will be forever blighted. If I wake in the morning with the idea “Oh no not again”, guess what kind of day I am about to have.

Negative focus – The magic of our perception is that we finely tune it so that we only see what we expect to see. This can be the glass half full or half empty. A clean car, with a patch of dirt, can be seen as filthy, a good person who make a simple mistake can be seen as bad and so on. When you tread in a soggy cow pat do you see that as a good opportunity to grow or do you get angry and beat yourself up? When we focus positively all and every experience teaches us about ourself and life. When life is faced positively there is no negative focus.

We don’t have problems we have learning opportunities

Discount the positive – This is magical because when we discount the positive we ensure that nothing will ever be any good.  We either come up with reasons why positive events don’t count. “I did well, but that was just dumb luck.” or ” I hate it when good things happen because that means that something negative is just around the corner”. This is the time to stand back, reframe your thoughts and feeling create a new script for the situation and say it out loud so that your ears can hear it. “I love when good things happen. It means there is more good coming my way”.

Jumping to conclusions – Even when what is happening is plainly positive we can make negative interpretations without any actual evidence and without even realising that we are doing it. We can act like a mind reader, “I can tell she/he secretly hates me.” Or like a fortune teller, “I just know something terrible is going to happen.” “I just know we are going to miss the plane.” Ask yourself the question why? Why should these bad things happen to you and not other people? Most importantly what evidence do you have of things working well? Observe the positive and repeat it to yourself as positive reinforcement.

Catastrophizing – It is easy to make a drama out of a crisis. Expecting the worst-case scenario to happen. “The pilot said we’re in for some turbulence. The plane’s going to crash!” A classic is a medical diagnosis when we convince ourself of the worst outcome. In life difficult things will always happen. However, evolution and equipped us with some pretty good creative skills that enable us to solve problems. If you can make a cup of tea you are a creative genius and, if you make a cup of tea you can solve a problem. 

Emotional reasoning – This is when the feeling clearly comes before the thought and we seek to make a connection and association between the feeling and the thought. Just like believing that the way we feel reflects reality. “I feel frightened right now. That must mean I’m in real physical danger.” It might even be “she just told I am a bad person therefore it must be true.” Just because you feel something or someone says something it does not mean that it is true. Being able to observe your feelings and thought associations that you have made and questioning them rather than accepting them can lead to new levels of understanding and self development.

‘Should’s and should-nots’ – In my consulting room there are certain words that are banned. These are ‘ought, should, must and can’t, together with ought not, should not, must not’. Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do is like beating yourself up. Often these things are related to what other people want or need and may have little to do with meeting our own needs. It is good to look at why you believe these things, what is going on? Where did you learn to think that way? Could have been a parent or sibling? This is a good time to look at reframing your thoughts and feelings, update them so that they can now serve you better.

Labelling – I resist giving people a diagnoses. A diagnosis is a label and once we become labelled we become limited by that label, both in our owns eyes and in the eyes of others. My father labelled me as an ‘idiot’ and for many years I believed him. Later, in therapy, I realised that this was his issue and not mine and I relabelled myself positively, “I am clever and can do things”. Labelling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings such as “I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser,” just creates negative scripts that you will play out in everyday life.

Personalisation – This may also be described as taking other people’s stuff onboard so that it becomes ‘my’ issue when it is not. It is when we assume responsibility for things that are outside of our control. “It’s my fault my son had an accident. I should have warned him to drive carefully in the rain.” “its my fault he got lung cancer I should have stopped him smoking.” We can not live other people’s lives like they are our own.

Worry and Doubt

Worry and doubt comes in many shapes and sizes. Importantly all of the versions described above are all habitual behaviours and like all habits they can be changed. 

If you follow the Live In the Present course as set out in our blogs and podcasts you will soon realise that to change a habit permanently normally involves a ninety day programme of consistent and persistent determination. All habits can be changed.

When you suffer from worry or doubt it is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD. Rumination on anything will make it bigger and bigger. It follows that rumination on positive things will lead to positive feelings and happiness. So…

don’t worry, don’t doubt, be positive and be happy

Take care

Sean x

Surviving The Winter

Well, it is cold. Winter is upon us once again. With Covid it seems to have been a long time coming. Last year the warm weather stretched out into November that got us all talking about global warming. Then, suddenly with ferocity the weather has changed and we are in the grip of floods, tsunamis and even winter forrest fires. With global warming we were promised warm dry summers and cool wet winters and that is exactly that is what we have.

Many of the people I talk with are feeling a flat fatigue. This is true of those who have had and who have not had Covid. It is as though our battery is flat and needs charging. Our energy always changes between the seasons just feel that this year covid has made it so much bigger. There is a stark contrast between the world in the warmth of the summer and that in the cold of the winter. One of the main things that we don’t realise is the effect that we feel from the ionisation of the air around us. Each atom has an electrical charge on it. When the charge is negative then we feel bright and light and energised. When the charge is positive we feel flat, oppressed and out of steam. In the winter the air is often filled with positive irons that can make us feel negative. It is those days that are grey and over cast with the damp chill that reaches into you bones the air is filled with positive ions. When you are on a side of a mountain with clear blue sky’s watching the sun glint on the snow the air is filled with negative ions. It seems back to front but…

Positive ions make you feel bad

Negative ions make you feel good  

As water meet the air ions are released. In an energetic splashing there are streams of negative ions given off. These make us feel brighter and awake. The effect happens by rivers, the sea, fountains and most commonly the shower that wakes us up in the morning. A bath, on the other hand, where the water is hot and still there are lots of positive ions given off that may make us feel relaxed but also can make us sleepy. 

The other winter effect is the lack of sun light. This leads to the inevitable drop in our level of Vitamin D. This leads to a change in our brain chemistry. A drop in our level of vitamin D leads to a drop in the level or serotonin, the happy hormone. This normally, leads to feelings of down-ness and flatness often described as SAD syndrome. Sometimes I wonder why, in evolution, we bothered to move away from the equator where levels of vitamin D are high and SAD syndrome never heard of.

When it gets cold, damp and dark we seek the comfort that through evolution has been supplied by carbohydrates. Carbs make the brain secrete serotonin. In the winter we self medicate with carbs and tend to put weight on. The best form of carbs is in cake, bread, pastas, puddings, biscuits, and so on. Carbs kick your brain into producing endorphins that make you feel good which is why they are called comfort food.

Carbs = comfort

Take a holiday

I know we have all the restrictions of covid but why do we take our main holiday in the summer? Would it not make more sense to enjoy the British summer, even if it is a bit wet, and then, when it is dark and cold, jump on a plane and go somewhere hot and sunny. If we did that we would boost our Vitamin D and keep our mood raised up.

Exercise

Another way to counteract the effect of the darkness is to move more. When it is cold the idea of huddling around a coal/log fire and staying in becomes very attractive and comforting. Yet this can increase our intake of comfort food and maybe the odd drink. We can become lazy. However, if we make the effort to move our body we can raise our mood and feel better. Twenty minutes of raised heart rate will make your brain secrete happy hormones and endorphins that will make you feel happier. The drive from the health authorities is to get everyone walking for at least half an hour a day or the classic 10,000 step. If we all did this we would reduce our levels of illness, improve our mental health, loose some weight and get happier. Of course it goes without needing to say it that it would also save the health authorities a lot of money. Maybe with covid it would also lessen the demand on NHS services.

Time to get social

Don’t be a hermit, Covid permitting, get out and meet people or invite people into your home. Socialise, have parties, cook meals and enjoy the company of others. Being with others, sharing the feeling of belonging and sharing fun and laughter all increase our levels of happy hormones. We are naturally hunter gatherers who live and interact in social groups. They do not live alone in small family units in little boxes they are a natural social community.

Get social and get some exercise

As Ed would tell us we all need to get out more walking and cycling. Apart from any direct physical health benefits this might bring it also helps us recreate our communities as we can directly interact with our neighbours and community members. This is something that is impossible when we are stuck in the car.

Make love

Did you know that when we have a particularly dark and cold winter the birth rates can rise by up to 18%. The joke always was that a couple go to bed early to save candles and money and end up having more children. However, we do know that good positive love making does increase our endorphins and increases our happiness. It also helps us to keep warm on a cold night and save on the heating.

Slow down and enjoy

It is natural to slow down and sleep more in the winter. Most of nature takes a break in the winter. The birds fly south, all of the plants go to sleep and many animals go into hibernation. The one species that does not slow down that carries on in a mad dash is us, human beings. We have stopped living in the natural rhythm of nature and life. As hunter gatherers we would have gone to sleep when it got dark and woken up when it got light. We now go to work in the dark come home in the dark, work crazy shifts for excessive hours and for many day never see the sun and then we wonder why our vitamin D level is low. This maybe a good time to get a vitamin test from your GP and perhaps take a supplement if you need it. 

If we were living in the natural rhythms of nature winter would be our chance to rest and relax and restore ourselves for the hard work in the spring ahead. A time to gather around log fires and get Hyyge. A time to enjoy the joy of story telling, socialisation, and developing family relationships and friendships. A time to mend nets, repair the tools, learn to sew and knit and chat about life and sharing experiences, learn our own history and teach and learn new skills. A time to enjoy winter foods, puddings custard and cake.

The more I think about it the more I see why the Nordic countries developed their various versions of Hyyge to live enjoy and survive their short winter days.

Be happy and do what you need to ensure you enjoy your winter and make it a winter wonderland for you and those around you.

Take care

Sean x