Time For A Clean Out?

Have you ever wanted to give you a body a good clean, but from the inside? It is rebooting your entire system. A bit like when you turn your laptop off and on again and then defrag the hard drive.

Twice a year, autumn in October and spring in March I will do a 13 day mini detox. This an exclusion detox, that you can see on the site www.livesthepresent.co.uk . In the thirteen days you progressively go from a full solid diet to three days of fluid and then back up to a full diet again.

Every few years I go on a 90 day clean out. This means no alcohol, no chocolate, no caffeine, no dairy, no meat. With the no dairy goes all the cakes and pastries. Does that sound hard? for many people this is normal. 

When you have been eating a full western diet this may seem a difficult idea. Yet many people live their entire lives this way and, guess what, they are very healthy. When Fauja Singh ran the london marathon aged 102 he did it on a Punjabi farmers diet of mainly rice and lentils.

I will reduce my diet over a seven day period and have a day, or a few, on just Water with honey and lemon, often this will be warm. The lemon cleans, and the honey provides energy. Some people will have some withdrawal to begin with. So if your system is addicted to something like caffeine you may get headaches if you stop too quickly so it important to reduce things gradually.

People often fear that they will lack energy. Not true. You use between 35 and 50% of your energy just digesting the food that you would normally eat. On diets like this most people feel an increase in their energy level and even sleep better. 

Flushing your system may sound odd, this is why I do it. The tube that runs from your mouth to your bottom, the alimentary canal, gut, processes all the food that you eat. It has done so from the moment of your birth and if you have never fasted or detoxed, without a break. Just like the skin on the outside of your body the lining of you gut will be sloughing cells, so that a proportion of what comes out of your bottom will actually be your dead cells from your gut lining. 

However, because your poor old gut has been working, usually flat out 24/7, year after year not all the cells come away and you get a build up of old rubbish on the lining that reduces the efficiency of the gut wall to absorb the nutrients that your your body needs. Many people suggest that this buildup and the subsequent problems this creates lead to many diseases. By doing a few days on fluid, and that means quite a lot of fluid, so that you pee a lot, your gut gets the opportunity to flush and clean all this rubbish that would otherwise remain stuck to your gut wall. Having given the gut a clean you then have a chance to create a new diet that will serve you well.

Think about our origins as hunter gatherers. We would never have had the constant supply of food that we have now provided for us in the supermarkets. There would be days of plenty and day when the calories would have been reduced and some days when we only drank water. In these circumstances the gut had the opportunity to cleanse itself on a regular basis.

So what will I eat? Well pulses, beans, grains and nuts, plenty of protein their. Rice, potatoes and wholemeal pasta, plenty of carbs there. As much fruit and vegetable as I want, plenty of minerals and vitamins there. I make my own bread that can be moistened with good olive oil or nut butter. For breakfast a plain unsweetened muesli type mix with nut or soya milk.

Really it means flushing the system and rebooting onto unprocessed foods that are healthy and nutritious. My rule is no meat, no dairy, no alcohol, coffee, sugar and anything processed with a drastic reduction in sugar. I have to say that if you are going to try it you might need to talk with your doctor first especially if you are diabetic.

The resource for this podcast/blog is my thirteen day detox programme. This can be a good place to start, as I say twice a year. If that goes well and you enjoy it you may get to trying a thirty day and then gradually extend it to 90 days over a few years.

Game for a laugh? Have a go.

Take care 

Sean x

 

 

Setting Secure Boundaries

Lately the international news has been full of stories of inappropriate touching kissing, and so on, in a variety of areas from sport to politics. The implication is that we either no longer have a clear idea of what our boundaries are or that our attitude to boundaries is changing. We are living in a world of change. It could that this is the reality of the end of the age of Pisces the beginning of the age of Aquarius. Or it could simply be that we are waking up a bit as in the evolution of human consciousness.

As a society we are currently reviewing our relationships to gender, orientation, ethnicity and attitudes. To have a clear boundary in any of our relationships we need to have a clear image and understanding of our fundamental relationship and that is the one that we have with ourself. Our approach to all our relationships begins with the approach that we have with our self.

‘I love me’ is not a statement of arrogance it is a statement of self esteem. To ensure that people give us value we must give ourself value. If I value me then I will ensure that you value me. If I feel that I have no value then I can accept any negative treatment that you throw at me.

Arrogance is when I see myself as better than others. Self esteem gives me the ability to value me as well as valuing you. If we all has self esteem we could all look after each other. So, I believe that the way to create positive boundaries with other people begins with creating positive self esteem. Charity begins at home.

Of coursed we need to put some effort into understanding other people. We need tolerance, empathy and insight. Most of all we need kindness and care. However it only works when we apply all these things to ourself.

My bid is that we attend to ourself first then attend to others. The easiest way to achieve this is what we are now calling mindfulness.

In short, if you want to change the world then love yourself.

Take care

Sean x

The Grief of Loss

Last week Auntie Vera passed at the age of 96. As the last person in that age group in the family her loss has been very profound the grief intense. There is joy and happiness for the memories of what a lovely person she was set against the hurt and pain of her going. Thankfully her passing was a good one.

Dealing with the grief that follows a death is something that can never be understood unless it has been experienced directly. I see so many people who feel a sense of guilt because they are still grieving only three months after a loss when, in reality, grieving takes a long time, and sometimes may even last a lifetime.

A dictionary definition of grief is….

Intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death

Grief comes from a French word ‘Grever’ meaning ‘to burden’. We might, therefore, consider grief to be a burden that we carry. We have finished our grieving when we are ale to put the burden down.

I am forever surprised at how ill prepared we are to face death, both our own and of those people, family and friends around us. It is the most certain thing that faces all of us, we will all die.

The attachment of emotional elastic

In my book “what colour is your knicker elastic” I explain that the emotional connections that we make between ourselves and others is like a piece of emotional elastic. At a point of loss, when that relationship comes to an end, the emotional elastic is severed and we are hit in the face by the emotional energy that is remaining in it, unless we are prepared for it. 

The loss of a parent

We had an email from a listener this week who has been facing the death of a parent and is trying to come to terms with the hurt and the loss. I am not sure if this true for us all of us but for me the loss of those that we truly love is possibly the worst pain that there can be. The only loss greater than that of a parent is that of a partner or child. It may seem like an easy thing to say but the reality is that, at some time, most of us will face the loss of those people that we care about. The pain of this loss we call grief.

Relationships are all different and the nature of the emotional elastic will vary. It may be thick and strong or thin and week. Because of this the level of emotional rebound and grief that we experience when the elastic snaps will be very different. I have seen situations such as when someone’s mother had died. The person in this case showed little or no emotion and took the morning off to deal with it and arrange the funeral before returning to their work. Two weeks later they took a few hours off to attend the funeral and returned to their work. Their colleagues observed this and saw it as insensitive, negative and nasty. What they did not realise was that the relationship that this person had with their mother was not a good and happy one. For them childhood had been a difficult time and the lack of support they experienced from their mother had resulted in thin emotional elastic, so thin that when it snapped it had virtually no emotional effect upon them at all. In fact they described the death as a relief not a burden.

Alongside that I have also experienced the people who have been completely devastated and debilitated by the loss of their mother. They have taken weeks, and in some cases months, off work as they have attempted to recover. For them the emotional elastic was thick and strong and at the point of snapping the were hit hard by the emotion.

Learning to live with loss

When I consider the real affects of a death and the cutting of the emotional elastic phrases like…

 

…‘don’t worry you’ll get over it’ or ‘times a good healer’… 

…show a total lack of empathy and insight. 

These phrases are often used by those people who have never experienced the grief of a death, or of a significant death. The idea of getting over the loss of someone close could not be further from the truth. It would be more accurate to say that grieving is learning to cope with the new situation that you now find yourself in. Life without a parent, husband, wife, mentor, friend or child can be so completely different to all that went before. Death, loss and subsequent grief is literally life changing. 

Life will never be the same again.

Acceptance, a journey

Grief and bereavement are not a thing to get over. They are a process that must be gone through until the reality of the loss has been accepted. This is a journey that you may not want to travel and yet you will, in the end you have no choice. For some of us the journey is short, this is when the elastic is thin. Also it may be shorter if we have had time to prepare. This is what I call pre-bereavement. Perhaps there has been a long illness and a gradual ending that has prepared us for the real end. 

For some the journey may take a long time to negotiate with many obstacle to overcome and issues to face. In these cases the elastic is thick and strong. Sometimes the emotions may be so powerful that they will never be resolved and the grief may simply be something that we have to accept and live with. It is as though this loss, and perhaps others that we experience in life, have been woven into the tapestry that is our life. It has now become a part of the picture.

The unbreakable elastic

Some elastic will never break and continues to pull from the other side of the grave. I lost a child, many years ago now. Every time that day comes around it is as though it was live action all over again. I have accepted this as part of the tapestry of my life and no longer need it to be any different. It is a part of my year, it is a part of who I am.

The process of grief

In psycho talk we alway say that grief will take a minimum of two years to process. The pain of being without that special person can be hard to bear. From the death day we have to live through the first year and all the significant times, birthdays, Mother’s/Father’s Day, anniversaries, and all days of importance. 

The first of each annual event is generally the most difficult. So too are the new events, those events that the lost person will never to see such as a wedding, a new grandchild or a naming ceremony. The feelings and emotions associated with these days has to be borne and gone through. 

Avoidance is not always a good idea

A family may decide that they cannot possibly have their normal Christmas, as they have done each year, because it would just too awful with the lost person not present. The family decide to go to Honolulu or do something completely different. This seldom works because next year they simply have to face what they avoided last year. In the end all that they have done is delay our process by a year. Grief is when we need to understand that grief is a process not an amount of time.

So in psychology when we say that the minimum period of grieving is normally about two years we mean each events needs to be faced and processed. This is because from the death day we go around the year facing every special day and anniversary. After one year we come back to the death day, take a deep breath and do it all again. In most cases by the time we have completed two year cycles we are starting to normalise and accept the change and our loss. However we have to accept that some, or perhaps most, losses will never truly leave us. 

Becoming an adult

We are all, or were all, children. All of us were born of a mother and had a father. Throughout our life we are our parents child, until, that is, the moment when they pass on. In reality none of us become truly become adults until both our parents have died because up to that point we are someone’s child.  We only become adults when we are orphans. Just as this is true for us and our own parents it is equally true for our children. While we live they will always be children, we need to die to allow them to become adults. If you are in your seventies and your parents are in their nineties you may not come to adulthood until late in life.

How long should we grieve 

While grieving may take an indeterminate amount of time that may have no limit it still remains a process. Often people will feel guilty for still being upset three months after a loss. In reality the process may take several years. On average we think of two to begin to come to terms with a loss.

The three stages

Grief is often identified as having three distinct phases. These may follow the classic sequence or the phases may come and go over time.

1: Disbelief

The first stage is disbelief. “I can’t come to terms with what had actually happened” I assume that the person will come back and walk through the door, that they will ring or write.

2: Emotional letting go

As emotion is released it may come out as tears frustration sadness or depression. Even when people try to hold it in there usually comes a time when it is released.

3: Anger

Anger is a strange though powerful emotion. At some point the anger comes. We may feel anger with the doctors, the disease, God or the person who has died. When we feel guilty with the person who has died we then often feel guilty for being angry with them and we may spend sometime going round and round until it is processed. Often it is the anger that give us the energy to move on.

The wonder of birth and the wonder of death

Why do we celebrate birth and not death. In many ways we have lost touch with both birth and death. These great events, that used to take place in the home now happen in hospitals and hospices. Only a generation ago most people would have been born at home and died at home.

With the rise of the medical professional we have de-personalised the process. As we have done this we have also given away our own responsibility and participation in these processes.

Celebrating a life or mourning a death?

My vote is that we use the last funeral rites as a celebration of life, that we change our sadness into happiness and celebrate what that person’s life has achieved.

I shall stop here before this turns into a book.

Wherever you are in the cycle of life, enjoy it and plan your ending with joy.

Take care

Sean x

Autumn Into Winter

Here we are again. It is the end of the summer, winter is on the horizon and as they say, 

“it won’t be long and then it will be Christmas” 

With the loss of light comes a reduction the available vitamins D in our bodies that direct effects the levels of serotonin in our brains and the a feeling of well being that can so easily lead to low mood, depression and seasonal affective disorder SAD.

According to Kevin Loria depression may be our brain’s way of telling us to stop and solve a problem. There is a theory that suggests that generally rather than being a problem depression might be a specific behavioural strategy that we have evolved over time as a biological adaptation that serves a purpose. As Matthew Hutson explains in a Nautilus feature on the potential evolutionary roots of depression and suicidal behaviour , that the purpose of depressions might be to make us… 

…stop, understand, and deal with an important problem.

At this time of year as we come out of summer and into winter people report symptoms of moderate to severe depression. It is the time of year when the sunlight fades and as the levels of vitamin D start to drop and this reduces the level of serotonin in the brain. We are then into depression season. 

Across the board in both the USA and Europe major depressive disorders are now so common that at as many as one in six people  will suffer from it during they dark months.

So why does such a debilitating condition strike so many people? 

The traditional understanding is that depression is just a breakdown in the normal working of the brain. This is seen as a chemical imbalance that is treated by chemical medication designed to re-balance brain chemistry, change mood and create shifts in  behaviours.

Could depression have developed to help us?

Evolutionary psychologist Paul Andrews and psychiatrist J. Anderson Thomson first elaborated on this idea, called the “analytical rumination hypothesis,” in an article published in The Psychological Review in 2009.

Their idea is that what we think of as a disorder is actually a way for our brains to analyse and dwell on a problem in the hopes of coming up with a way to deal with it. The researchers suggest it’s possible that a difficult or complex problem triggers a “depressive” reaction in some people that sends them into a sort of analytical mode which then enables them to change behaviours, strategies and attitudes. It allows them to stop long enough to solve the problem.

This intrigues me greatly because in the Ayurvedic model, my original training, depression is also seen as a gift, as a way of our system telling us that something was wrong and giving us the chance to sort it out. This would explain the increased rumination that arising in depressive episodes. Along side this in and increase in dream sleep. The two phases of sleep are deep sleep (NREM) and dream sleep (REM). It is assumed that deep sleep is the resting phase concerned with repair of the body and dream sleep is an active phase concerned with processing our experiences and related emotions. In depression the dream sleep eats into the deep sleep so that despite sleeping for long periods of time the person does not experience rest and may become progressively more tired.

The concept that depression might be an evolutionary adaptation rather than a mental disorder is not the main consensus of the mental health community. In reality it cannot be true for all depression. It would be true for those that suffer a reactive depression in response to a trauma or traumatic stimulus. Even so this could still account for around 80% of depressive episodes.

The problem is that in most cases depression is not the cause it is the symptomatic response to the cause. In western medicine we tend to only treat the symptom and pay little or no attention to the cause. 

It could be that if we accepted depression as a gift and took the opportunity to undertake a self audit that would enable us to get our lives back on track. Instead we treat depression negatively as a problem and medicate the symptoms and fail to deal with the cause. It would make sense that if alongside medication we engaged in mindful therapy we could speed up treatment and help to dissolve depressive episodes much quicker. While some people do get referred to cognitive behavioural therapy it is not always an effective way to deal with depression. It is the addition of mindfulness that makes the therapy really effective. 

MBCT

Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy is designed to deal with and overcome issues of reactive or repetitive depression. MBCT, is recommended by the United Kingdom’s National Institute of Clinical Excellence (NICE) for the prevention of recurrent and reactive depression and has also been shown to be effective in treating the symptoms of anxiety.

If we can look at the challenges that we face in life as learning opportunities rather than problems then we can to stop long enough to grow and develop. So, perhaps depression is the things that can make us stop long enough to get our life right.

As my resource for this week I am using my thirteen day detox. This is something that I tend to do twice a year in September and March. It gives me the chance to consciously stop, do a self audit and decide just where I am up to and to make any changes or adjustments that seem appropriate.

Take care and be happy and if appropriate have a go at the detox.

Sean x

Procrastination Might Be Good For Us

Following Covid I have spoken with so many people who, even now, are having problems getting going again. For some their is a frustration with their life for others it is that feeling of they simply can’t be bothered. For many trying to get their work life balance back is proving difficult. Working from home can be a challenge when it is easier to stay in bed, sit in the garden or engage in your favourite hobby rather than doing the work that you are being paid for. While I get all this I want to make a positive stand for doing nothing as being a good thing.

There is never a point in life when we are doing nothing. It may feel like it but consciousness is always at work even if we are unaware of it. The part that is working that we don’t realise is termed the subconscious, it is below our awareness but it is still there.

Even when we are doing nothing we are doing something.

To the person who always needs to be busy someone who meditates or simply stops long enough to enjoy the view may be seen as a procrastinator. Yet, perhaps it the person who is being still and apparently doping nothing who is seeing the real world and making the breakthroughs in life, science, art or literature. The person who always needs to be busy is often avoiding dealing with difficult issues. Their business blanks out difficult emotions of decision rather like an anaesthetic. The busy person who avoids dealing with issues by continually doing other things is often less productive than people that we might describe as procrastinators.

If you break down the word Pro = forward, future… Crastinus = tomorrow

Manyana, in Spanish, simple means tomorrow. As a slang term it is used to mean…

“we don’t need to do that now it can wait until tomorrow”.

For many people procrastination simply means to delay. That does not make the person lazy they may simply be the type who considers before they act. However, that does not mean that there aren’t people who are really lazy and do as little as possible. But these may be the people who appear to be busy but are avoiding doing what needs to be done.

Sometime the feeling of procrastination is an emotional barometer that tells you whether what you are doing is what you should be doing. Lack of drive and enthusiasm maybe be because your are bored or simply in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. Giving your self time to think a about it and reflect may help you discover what is it that you really want from your life. Then you just might feel like enthusiastically getting on with it.

Imagine that when you wake you are about to go and do something that makes you feel good. Do you have problems getting out of bed?, well no. Now, imagine that you are waking to a day full of things that you don’t want to do. Do you have problems getting out of be?, well yes. It is then that we can our see procrastination might just be that our system trying to tell us something.

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up.
Author Unknown

In the west we tend to be driven by what is termed ‘the Protestant work ethic’. Most people work long hours to the exclusion of family, friends and their own life and fulfilment. Yet very few people actually like their work life. I work with thousands of people who wake on a Monday with the dread of another week in their workplace. They would rather be doing anything else. Procrastination does not always mean to do nothing, doing something else instead is often termed displacement.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Robert Benchley

Displacement activity is something that you do to avoid doing what you don’t want to do, or a way of not dealing with a difficult situation, like being busy. For example a rabbit that is cornered and is about to be eaten by a fox and knowing there is now escape will displace this energy of fear into the activity of washing itself.

In psychology, procrastination refers to the act of replacing more urgent actions with tasks less urgent, or doing something from which one derives enjoyment, and thus putting off impending tasks to a later time.’
Wikipedia

The clue in this definition is ‘enjoyment’. The protestant work ethic goes alongside with ideas like ‘life is hard’, ‘life is earnest’ and ‘everyone has their cross to bear’. Well I don’t buy any of that I am in the school of life should be fun and life should be fulfilling. It seems that we have no problem finding the energy to do things that we do want to do, things that make us feel good. While, those things that we don’t want to do sap our energy and take away our motivation.

My approach to life is that when I feel the need to procrastinate or displace, I look at, and enjoy the process, and at the same time I look at what I need to do with my life so that I feel engaged and connected and restore the balance between what I need to do and what I want to do. This is often described as ‘work life balance’.

In the end if you are living the life that you really want the issues of procrastination and displacement do not exist because you are enjoying and fulfilling yourself in the present moment so that getting out off bed on any day, even Monday is never a problem.

The best way to get something done is to begin.
Author Unknown

That comes back to what do you really, really, really want to do with your life. Until you answer this question you will be forever procrastinating and displacing. Becoming aware of when and why you procrastinate will will help you answer the question of what do you really want. So there may be times when procrastination is really something we should celebrate.

I’d like to procrastinate but I can’t be bothered

Take care and live in the present and when you are doing nothing enjoy it.

Sean x

Dealing With Post Trauma

Since Covid and lockdown more and more people have developed the symptoms of post trauma. This can be difficult and debilitating. However the mechanism that leads to our repression of difficult experiences is our memory. The issue with post traumatic stress disorder is not memory it is recall.

It is important to realise that our systems are designed to learn and we learn by remembering. It is the learning that keeps us safe. Throughout evolution we have kept ourselves safe by remembering what is dangerous and where that danger is. This might be plants that are poisonous, other human beings or animals that are a threat and would damage us.

When we are threatened we activate our fight or flight response. This gives the chemistry to either defend ourselves or to run away. The fear or threat that we experience may be directly to us or we may witness something happening to another person. Either way the effect is the same.

Following an incident we have POST TRAUMA STRESS (PTS). This normally last for about four to six weeks as it is gradually processed by our mind. At some point we will all have itIf the stress persists longer than six weeks we are considered to have a DISORDER or PTSD. This will require medication and/or therapy.

The disorder is described as complex, CPTSD, when the trauma is repeated over and over again. This can be common in army and police personnel and most triple nine workers and in people suffering ongoing abuse.

In PTSD experience that is overwhelming and too difficult to deal with is repressed. This means that in is encoded into memory. Rather like a box of stuff being put in the back of a cupboard and forgotten about. The mechanism that often leads to the repression is dream sleep. Often after an assault someone will sleep for a short period of time. Dream Sleep or rapid eye movement (REM) encodes the images into memory. Often the person will then get up and carry on with their life as though nothing has happened.

Repression can and be of events that are either imagined or real.
PTSD to a REAL situation leads to depression and flashbacks to the remembered event that re-enacts all the original thoughts and feelings.

Imagined Trauma is a FLASH-FORWARD of Fear/Anxiety to something that may never happen. This is a Pre Trauma Stress Disorder. It can happen when we are told that someone close to us is dying or if we are given a potentially life threatening diagnosis such as cancer. We can then use our imagination the Flash – Forward creating a daydream that uses the same REM as in Post Trauma to create a box images and feeling in the back of our mind. This can also be the basis of what is described as ‘False Memory Syndrome’.

In both pre and post trauma the brain and the mind see only the dream images and their associated chemical and emotional responses and can cannot tell which is real. However with therapy we can unpack the boxes and release any negative emotions and memories and eliminate their effects.

Repressions, either pre or post trauma, should not be confused with suppression which is the conscious withholding of feelings. Let’s say there is someone in your workplace that you don’t like and if the situation was different you would tell them exactly what you think of them. However, you suppress those negative feelings and smile and say “Hello, how are you?” This can lead to feeling of frustration, agitation, irritation, anger and so on that are all going on, suppressed, behind your apparent smile.

Repression is the unconscious withholding of feelings. That can lead to serious symptoms of depressions, fear, anxiety and many mental health issues that often require medication, therapy and even hospitalisation. In all cases of Pre Trauma, Post Trauma or suppression the feeling associated with the event or person can be triggered by smells, tastes, colours, sounds, music, television or films, books or stories or another person sharing their issues that resonate with your own.

When we are diagnosed with a post or pre trauma issues we may need…

Therapy including Psychotherapy, Counselling, CBT and other talking therapies
Mindfulness – both life style and Meditation is shown to be very effective
EMDR – EYE MOVEMENT replicates the REM allowing the release of the initial repression
EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique – Tapping also can reactivate the REM
Rewinding – As a relaxation visualisation Hypnotherapy activates REM
The Beach – Deep Relaxation and sleep Therapy activates REM
Medication – Include Antidepressants – Beta-blockers that can work alongside other therapies
AVOID SELF MEDICATION – Drugs, Alcohol, Over working, Isolation

Be happy and if you identify with post trauma or pre trauma suppression or repression talk to some and do something about it.

Take care
Sean x

Money Money Money

In this episode we are revisiting an old topic – MONEY. With the current economic crisis and the ongoing effects of Russias war in the Ukraine things ate tight. Interest rates are on the rise and available income is diminishing. The people in the know say that it will get worse before it gets better. Lots of fun.

So, does money make you happy? The answer is ‘no’, unless you are an addict and crave the money in your account, in your pocket or the assets that you have accumulated. Even then it will only be temporary and the joy is short lived as we crave the next hit. 

In this blog we are back to our old friend Dopamine, the love drug. Dopamine is produced in the brain and leads to feelings a joy and excitement. Dopamine is produced in response to a stimulus such as drugs or alcohol or to a feeling such as when we are in love, attachment or expectation, or to an action such as driving fast, jumping out of plane or bungee jumping etc.  In fact Dopamine is reproduced in response to getting or experiencing anything that we label as fun and exciting.  While we can all enjoy the ‘wow!’, feeling of Dopamine and may enjoy it or look forward to it, the stimulus response cycle may not dominate our life. When the craving, or drive towards a Dopamine hit begins to dominate our existence and our behaviour we have an addiction. For some people money is an addiction.

Understanding Money Addiction 

Addiction is probably the most misunderstood aspect of human experience. We tend to see addiction as a bad thing that happens to bad people, or to people who have been led astray by others. If you enjoy the feeling of exercise and look forward to the next class you are describing your addiction or need for stimulus and response that is driven by your need for Dopamine. We are all addicts.

Try changing the word addiction to habit and it might be easier to understand. If each day you pray, meditate, attend church, go for a walk, talk to a particular person, eat a certain thing for breakfast, whatever it is your habit. But if you feel odd or out of salts when you are unable to or do not complete your habit you have an addiction.

When you wake up in the morning if the first thing that you do is to check your phone rather than acknowledge your partner, you have a phone addiction. If you do acknowledge your partner prior to using your phone then you may have a partner addiction that we might label love. If your first action in waking is to go and get a coffee then you have a caffeine addiction. Even if you drink decaf you still have a coffee addiction. Once we can see our habits, repeated activities, often enacted below our awareness, as addictions we can begin to understand the addictive quality of the human psyche.

Addiction disorder

In a previous blog where we were talking about anxiety. The point was that we all have anxiety and that it was and sometime still is a good thing. Anxiety has kept human beings alive throughout evolution. Anxiety disorder is when we have continual production of stress hormones when there is nothing to feel stressed or anxious about. There is also the realisation that we can create the same anxious effect in our system by simply imagining an anxious situation so that our body mind and brain react as though the event is actually taking place in real time right now.

Our entire system works in this way. We may become aroused by imagining a sexual situation it does not actually need to be happening for the aroused response to take place. The same may be true of drugs, going to church, or taking exercise. The anticipation is so powerful that the dopamine begins. However the needs of Dopamine need to be fulfilled. If there is no fulfilment of the anticipated outcome the response will either be a withdrawal response that may include depression or there may be an increased drive towards the anticipated addiction. In drug and alcohol work a common phrase is “the addiction always comes first’, this need to fulfil the Dopamine cycle can be to the detriment of relationships, jobs and emotional stability and even life itself.

Addiction disorder happens when this simple, normal and common effect of mind and imagination for an anticipated fulfilment drives towards ever greater levels of Dopamine. This is very important because in all addiction it is not the stimulus that we are addicted to it is the Dopamine and Dopamine is an unforgiving master who demands higher and higher levels of stimulus to create the desired emotional effect. This is why addictive behaviours always increase. This is the difference between a regular habit and an addiction disorder. An addicted perpetrator of domestic violence will escalate their behaviours over time so that a loud voice becomes a shout, becomes a slap, becomes a punch, becomes a kick, becomes a beating.  

So back to money

If the ownership of money, or the ability to spend money, is an active part of your stimulus and response mechanism then you will experience that money does, in fact, make you happy because it feeds that ‘wow!’, feeling of Dopamine. Once we find a route to Dopamine production we will continue to enact the stimulus and response mechanism so that we continue to feel good.

What is money?

All money is potential energy. A unit of currency is like a seed full of potential energy that when released can create something. An acorn can create an Oak tree. Money is simply a form of energy. When we release that energy we can turn it into something else. In physics the law is that energy is never lost all it does is change its form. The energy or power in money is the same. When we use it we change its form into goods, services, actions and so on. If the things that we use money for create a Dopamine response within us then we will develop an addiction to the need for money to maintain those levels of Dopamine. We were told as kids that “money is the route of all evil”. This is a misquote the original was “the love of money is the route to all evil”. In the terms we are talking about in the blog it is the addiction to money that creates our problems.

Mindful responses to Dopamine addictions

Whatever your addiction disorder there are solutions and they lie in Mindfulness. Behaviours, habits and addiction are embedded in the mind, emotions and actions, often below awareness. Using Mindful techniques and developing your observer self that sits above the cognitive mind and emotions you are able to see your habit cycles and, most importantly make decision to feed those habits that serve you well and to starve those habits that do not serve you well.

What you feed grows and what you starve dies

If you do have an addiction to money, or the things that it can get you, remember this…

Love people and use money

Not the other way around.

Be happy and enjoy the money that you do have

Sean x

Dealing with Toxic Relationships

This weeks blog is an experiment in that I have not directly written it. We used an AI Chat Bot to create it and see what it comes up with and it is very interesting. Perhaps this is what we can all expect in the future in many of the things that we read. I have put my contributions in bracketed italics. 

Title: Nurturing Healthy Connections: Avoiding Toxic Relationships and Recognising Warning Signs

Introduction

In our journey through life, (our responses to) relationships (and all experiences) play a fundamental role in shaping our experience (of life) and our emotional well-being. While healthy relationships bring joy, support, and growth, toxic relationships can have a detrimental impact on our mental and emotional health. Recognising and avoiding toxic relationships is crucial for our overall happiness and personal development. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies to steer clear of toxic relationships and identify warning signs in certain friendships.

Understanding Toxic Relationships:

Toxic relationships can manifest in various forms, including romantic partnerships, friendships, family connections, or even professional (or business partnerships and) interactions. These relationships are characterised by a pervasive negativity, lack of respect, and an imbalance of power. They drain our energy, diminish our self-esteem, and hinder personal growth. By understanding the common traits of toxic relationships, we can better equip ourselves to avoid them.

(In all of our relationships it is important to understand the ability of the other person to exercise both empathy and insight. Toxic or negative relationships are only changeable if the other person can understand and see what they are doing and have the insight to change their interactions.)

  1. Self-Awareness: (it is important to point out that the fundamental relationships that we all have is with ourself, usually termed our ‘self-esteem’. We can have an internal toxic relationship with ourself that leads to a lack of self belief. If I don’t love me and you tell that you do love me I am likely to think that you must be mad. ‘Why would you want to love me?)
  2. Building healthy relationships starts with self-awareness. (Self love is not arrogance it is healthy) Understanding your values, needs, and boundaries allows you to set the foundation for positive connections. When you have a clear sense of self, you are less likely to compromise your well-being by engaging in toxic relationships. Take the time to reflect on your core values and the qualities you seek in others, and use this knowledge as a guide in your relationships.
  3. Trust Your Intuition: (Intuition often has little value to the western cognitive mind, Yet when we learn to trust our intuition we have instant insight into situations and people. Intuition is often knowing without knowing why or how we know)
  4. One of the most powerful tools we possess in navigating relationships is our intuition. Pay attention to your gut feelings and instincts. If something feels off or causes you discomfort, it is essential to trust those emotions. Intuition often serves as an early warning system, helping us steer clear of toxic relationships before they become deeply ingrained.
  5. Set and Maintain Boundaries: (when you clearly set boundaries you are making the rules and being a doer not a done-to)
  6. Establishing and enforcing boundaries is vital in maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries define what is acceptable and what is not in your interactions with others. Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, and respect the boundaries of those around you. Toxic relationships often involve crossed boundaries and a disregard for personal limits. By maintaining strong boundaries, you can protect yourself from potentially harmful dynamics.

Spotting Warning Signs: (it may that the warning sign is in what you are feeling – intuition – it may make no sense logically but listen to that feeling)

Identifying potential red flags is essential to prevent toxic relationships from taking hold in your life. Here are some common warning signs to be mindful of when evaluating your friendships:

  1. Constant Negativity:
  2. Toxic relationships are often characterised by consistent negativity. If a friend consistently brings you down, criticises your ideas, or makes you feel inferior, it may be a sign of toxicity. Healthy friendships involve mutual support, encouragement, and positivity.
  3. Lack of Respect: (understanding respect often begin with self respect and self love)
  4. Respect is a fundamental aspect of any healthy relationship. If a friend consistently disregards your feelings, boundaries, or needs, it is a warning sign of a toxic dynamic. (If so, are they really a friend at all?) Respect should be present in all interactions, and any persistent disrespect should not be tolerated.
  5. Manipulative Behaviour:
  6. Toxic individuals often employ manipulative tactics to control others. Watch out for signs of manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or constant demands for attention and validation. Healthy friendships are based on trust, equality, and open communication.
  7. One-Sided Relationships:
  8. Relationships should be a give-and-take, with both parties contributing and benefiting. If you find yourself consistently investing more time, energy, or resources into a friendship without receiving the same in return, it may indicate an unhealthy dynamic. Balanced friendships are built on reciprocity and mutual support.
  9. Emotional and Physical Drain: (Dementors and Vampires)
  10. Toxic relationships can drain us emotionally and even physically. If a friend consistently leaves you feeling exhausted, stressed, or anxious, it may be a sign that the relationship is detrimental to your well-being. Surround yourself with people who uplift and energise you, rather than deplete your resources.

Conclusion:

Nurturing healthy relationships is crucial for our personal growth and happiness. By understanding the traits of toxic relationships and being aware of warning signs, we can avoid falling into harmful dynamics. Remember to prioritise self-awareness, trust your intuition, and set and maintain healthy boundaries. Surround yourself with individuals who respect, support, and inspire you to become the best version of yourself. Ultimately, investing in healthy relationships will contribute to your overall well-being and foster a positive and fulfilling life journey.

(The key to all relationships at all levels of society is simply – 

If we all look after each other we will all be okay –

A real friend will have your back and will be looking after you.)

(You will probably know that I was ill last year and had open heart surgery. People around me fell quite clearly into different categories of friendship. The vast majority of people stepped forward to help in whatever way that the could. There were those who allowed their own needs to get in the way of ours and became intrusive and there were even those who were angry with me for being ill and not being there for them. The experience certainly made me look at my relationships and make adjustments to lessen any toxicity effecting me and my recovery. It was an interesting audit and perhaps one that we should all undertake.)

(Remember this – relationships are the basis of society and of our belonging in our society and family. However, the most important relationship that you will ever have will be the one that you have with yourself. Positive self esteem is a good attribute to have and self love is not arrogance it is strength.)

Take care and be happy

Sean x

TSHP489: The Reality of Democracy

What’s Coming This Episode?

Ed has been elected as a local councillor! Wow. The fun starts now. We thought an episode about democracy was in order. What does it mean? How did we end up where we are? Can Ed navigate the ups and downs of local politics?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

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Who Is Allowed To Say What To Whom?

The reality of Democracy 

The word democracy comes from the Greek words “demos”, meaning people, and “kratos” meaning power; so democracy can be thought of as…

 The Power Of People

We can think of this as a way of governing which depends on… 

The Will Of The People

In Britain we could say that it is…

…The Will Of The Majority Of The People 

So what does that mean for the minority? Every minority in any system is subject to the will of the majority of the people unless it is an enlightened society. This is as true for human beings as it is for a troop of monkeys or a herd of sheep. The majority will always hold sway unless the minority arm themselves and scare the crap out of the majority to get their own way. This appears in many human societies as terrorism, jihad, revolution etc. It can also materialise in smaller groups as protesters and demonstrators. These may be an affront to the majority who will do their best to suppress them to maintain their position.

One of the most obvious domination by a minority was when the Nazis in Germany, which was a minority, took control of the majority and then attempted to take over the entire world. Although the majority was very powerful it took then six years of the Second World War to finally defeat the minority. There are lots of parallels in many countries where similar things have taken place.

It seems that we now have a majority that are mistreating the planet in terms of pollution and exhaustion of resources. The minority are taking to the streets to protest about oil, fossil fuels and the animal abuse in farming etc. 

In a democracy, through the ballot box, we assume that the will of the majority of people will be enacted in their best interest. Is this so? There have been many cases when the best interests of our representatives and/or big business have dominated the majority point of view. 

When we, as a country, chose to join the EU the majority voted for it. Then we have a section of society that begins as a minority who are able to use the tricks of the trade in persuasion through social media, general media, advertising etc to change the minds of the majority and dominate them and then the vote is to leave the EU.

It would seem that we are in external conflict between vested self interest, the needs of the individual, the power of the majority and the striving of the minority to be heard. These things are something that you would assume that democracy was meant to overcome. Yet here we are in the thick of it.

Just as an aside, I wonder how many Russian people were, or are, actually in favour of being at war with Ukraine. Was this an act by the powerful minority in power, not dissimilar to the Nazis, to vilify an entire population to justify their act of going to war? 

I have seen the same power politics in many of the organisations that I have covered over the years. I certainly saw it in the NHS and I see it on a regular basis in families.

There seems to be a dilemma how can we ensure that we are all heard that a fairness pervades in the way that we do out business politically, economically and socially? I keep saying it but…

…If we all ,look after each other we will all be okay

The problem as I see it is that whereas in the past descent was expressed through bows and arrows and throwing stones now we have weapons of mass destruction and the ability to destroy each others systems at a cyber level. We are probably more vulnerable now than we have ever been. 

It is real that one wrong move from a egotistical individual or group could destroy or severely damage life on this planet and even bring it to an end.

We have an interesting time ahead when it will be down to those that are awake enough to assist our brothers and sisters who remain deep asleep into the light of increased awareness and then hopefully we will all survive.

This is what would happen as we made the move from the age of Pisces to the age of Aquarius. Fingers crossed. We all need to stay positive and do as much as we can to assist each other or the next thing will be AI taking over….

Hey Ho!

Sean x