How is Christmas for You?

/1 Comment/in /by

Here Comes The Sun

Last weekend I went to the supermarket and I was wearing sandals and a tee shirt… Something is wrong! It should be cold, I should be wrapped up with a scarf and gloves and trying to keep warm. When the scientist predicted the idea of global warming they suggested ‘warm wet winters and cool dry summers’, they were right. As the people of Cumbria prepare for their third flood this year and those of the equator dig deeper in the well to find more water, it is not odd for us to feel that the world has gone mad.

The cycles of mother nature may have nothing to do with global warming and the role that mankind has played in warming the planet, who knows?, but there is something odd happening out there.

But Christmas is Christmas and the solstice is the solstice.

Following the darkness of winter, that has its depth at the winter solstice and the longest night, comes the lightening, as the days draw out. This sense of the light coming to dispel the darkness has been ever present in the psychological cycle of the year. The festivals of Solstice, (Yuletide), originally the three days around midwinters day, December 21st, was gradually superseded by Christmas or ‘Christmastide”. In some parts of the pagan world the festival of ‘Yule’ lasted for twelve days, which became the twelve days of ‘Christmastide’.

For many of us Christmas is a magical time for our children whose excitement and expectation is wonderfully infectious. The tree full of lights sparkle in the darkness and many streets are so bright that they must be visible from the moon.

The magic of these festivals, at this time of year, is in the realisation of the coming of the light back to the world. Psychologically this is the development of awareness and understanding, as the light dispels the darkness, or symbolically, good dispels evil. The symbol of the star shining over Bethlehem, as the light shining in the dark, is the same as the Chinese symbol Yin and Yang or the Hindu symbol of Hatha, both showing the relationship between the duality of consciousness and unconsciousness. Consciousness is the light that illuminates the darkness of unconsciousness.

Christmas is, at its best, a time of light, of increasing awareness, of love and joy, of acceptance, and giving. The gifts given to Jesus were represented in pagan ‘Yuletide’ by the gifts given by the farmers, and the people at the Yule feast, often these were animals that were sacrificed to God as an expression of gratitude for the coming of the light in the New Year.

I have never been a lover of dark cold winters, and to know that the darkness is behind me and that ahead is the lighter warmer time of spring and the heat of summer becomes the light at the end of a tunnel.

Perhaps, the issue is that I am in my darkness walking towards my light. My winter leads to my spring. This time of the year is my symbolic emotional and spiritual ending and rebirth in the new beginning of the New Year.

We all deserve a new beginning. We all have the right and the power to make our lives good and right.

Enjoy the lightness and love of your festivities, be happy and merry

Have a wonderful Yuletide and a meaningful Christmastide

See you in the New Year

Sean x

Life long Learning

/3 Comments/in /by

Never, never, never give up!

When I was a child we had fireworks every November 5th. On the box were written the instruction “light the blue touch paper and retire”. Later this was developed to “stand well back”. Now, I think that is what people do when they embrace the idea of retirement, they stand well back from life and for many this is the beginning of the end. Life is about learning; learning is living and, for most of us living and learning is working. It is engagement.

The other day the children laughed at me when I referred to a spider as a person. The spider, female in this case, from my point of view, has rights just like you and me. Some people become spider phobic but all she, the spider, is doing is living and doing her work, living her life.

All beings work. Everyone on this planet from ants to elephants work. Working is engagement in the process of living. Essentially this means getting up in the morning and going about the business of finding food, creating shelter and safety and raising the next generation. We are all at the same thing.

Working and living should be the same thing…

Some of us, perhaps all of us, also play. Dogs obviously, primates definitely, the horses when I go for my early runs are playing chase around the field, maybe even ants have down time and play. The essential is the working, because without engagement in the work process we die. Food and shelter are fundamental, they are essential work.

However, compared to all the other people on the planet human beings are different in two ways. The first is that we have a much longer childhood, not maturing until we are twenty five years old, which is a hugely non productive, non working time, supported by parents and society, however this does allow for much longer brain development and evolutionary advantage. We also have money.

Money has a unique effect for humans. We no longer need to work like all other species doing essential work. We are able to do abstract things with our time and collect tokens (money) for doing it and exchange these for food and shelter and safety. So for many humans the concept of ‘work’ has become very different. Someone who writes or paints or produces cars or, is a nurse or carer, does not do essential work, other people do it for them.

The strange thing is that those among us who do essential work become ever fewer and fewer to the point that if the majority were required to become essential workers they would not have a clue how to go about it. The plethora of TV programmes about groups of people abandoned somewhere like an island and having to survive is testament to this. Both practically and socially many fail.

Now then, when you live the ‘normal’ life of an essential worker, which must be within the rhythms of nature and season, it is a life long task. Any species that decided they had had enough and stopped doing their essential work would die, simple. Yet socially and financially human beings have created this retirement, when they stand back from life, cease to be productive and survive. I guess I should qualify that statement with reference to the industrial world and the west. There are many countries where social welfare does not exist.

There is a strong case for not retiring.

Reasons not to retire

1: We know that it is in the process of engagement and life long learning that new brains cells are created and that people remain younger.

2: When people become physically less active and more sedentary they develop more diseases.

3: Those that maintain a working function maintain and develop social relationships and maintain a sense of belonging.

4: Most productive people have a stronger sense of self and self-esteem.

I could go on, and on. I guess one big one that has hit the western industrial world is that supporting retired people costs much more money than anyone ever expected and we can’t afford it. This is where the money token idea begins to breakdown.

I know from my own clients that the people who continue to work, and I see many people still at work in the seventies, even If that work is voluntary, yet regular and committed, have higher levels of self esteem and enjoyment, have a stronger sense of purpose and value. They stay younger longer.

At what point do we stand back from life, do we retire? For some people this begins at fifty and for others it never happens. My definition of success and happiness is waking with a smile on your face feeling that you have something that you truly want to get out of bed for something to go and do that if both meaningful and fulfilling. For many, this is called work, though many do not realise it until they retire.

Whether you do it for money, or the love of it, don’t stand back, remain involved and engaged in the process of life and living. I promise you that you will be happier.

Take care be happy and keep on learning

Sean x

When Kids Fly The Nest

/1 Comment/in /by

This week a listener, Angela, sent us a message…

“My daughter is in her second year at university and I miss her terribly. I realise I gave her the wings to fly and I want her to use them but it’s hard sometimes. I am better this year as I have done it once already but a podcast would be helpful as I find when we take her back to uni we are a bit flat but then get over it with work keeping us busy but then about 4 weeks after she has left I am jumping in the car to go and visit her as I miss her too much to wait longer than that. I find though that each time I have to say goodbye instead of getting easier it gets harder.”

This is normal, yet mainly for women. We often seek to understand the difference between men and women. Well, one difference is that a man’s life can be more constant, where as a women’s life changes at rites of passage. Women get married and change their name, they have children, the last child is born, the last child goes to school, the last child leaves school, the last child leaves home.

The majority of people identify themselves by what they do, not by who they are. How do you answer the question “who are you?” For many women the role of mother is a life-filling task. When the last child leaves many women feel crisis, often termed “empty nest syndrome”. I see many women as clients who are dealing with re-discovering themselves or maybe even discovering themselves for the first time.

I also deal with women who have hung onto their children for fear of being alone. I also see children who have been over parented and find themselves unable to be fully functioning adults. A crisis that can become extreme with the death of the dominating parent. The bottom line is that when we over parent we stunt the development of our kids by wanting them always with us.

In ‘The Prophet’ Kahlil Gibran writes…

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Sting sung, “if you love someone set them free”. This is never more true that when we look at our children. To allow our children to grow and develop we need to set them free from our own needs, fears and constraints.

Looking at attachment theory, by John Bowlby, we identify that those people who have a fearful attachment with others, and therefore fear letting their children go, probably have damaged attachment issues themselves. In most cases such people need therapy to resolve their own attachment issues from their childhood.

So, think about it, is there anyone that you are holding back, stunting or over parenting? Remember if you love someone set them free!

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Falling Out of Love

/1 Comment/in /by

Jo sent in a message requesting a podcast about relationships that she suggested was from a male point of view. Having spoken to some male friends she came up with two analogies that describe a certain male way of looking at relationships. I suspect that it is not simply males and that many females have similar attitudes and behaviours to men.

Jo said…
“I have an idea for a podcast mainly for women. About how people view relationships, you touched on it a few weeks ago. I have been asking men how they view them and have collected a few analogies…

Egg and chips is nice but you don’t want that every night because it’s unhealthy

You chase a bus to catch it but once you’ve caught it there’s no need to chase it anymore.

Can you advise on changing conditioned thinking when it comes to relationships?”

As a general idea, as I have said on previous podcasts, I do not understand what the majority of women are doing with the majority of men. When I work with couples it is almost always the male figure that is the problem. Not in all cases but in most. I guess I could say that this only applies to the couples that come to see me or couples that seek therapy, I do not know, but in my work it is normally the man.

There is a book “Act like a lady think like a man” by Erica Gordon

In the book Erica recommends the 90 day rule as propounded by Steve Harvey…

“Often referring to sex as the “cookie”, Steve Harvey suggests that women keep the cookie in the cookie jar for a probationary period of 90 days, causing men to have to prove themselves, work for and earn the benefits.”

This is of interest to me as you will gather from the podcasts that we know it takes 30 days to build a neuro net to accommodate a new habit and a further 60 days to lodge it into our long term memory. I call this the Mind-brain relationship.

What he is suggesting is that in a lasting relationship we need to get beyond the thrill of the chase, which is powered by the endorphin dopamine and avoid the subsequent feeling of boredom by developing a bonded oxytocin relationship. Oxytocin is the endorphin that creates a bond between mother and child, couples, families, communities, societies and even the whole of humanity.

In our rush (dopamine) to get married/live together we fail to do the tuning in, the engagement, the foreplay that allows for the development of oxytocin.

What we describe as the Honeymoon period is dopamine, what we describe as a committed ongoing relationship is oxytocin. Those that become addicted to the thrill of dopamine can easily become serial philanderers as they go from one relationship to another to get a dopamine high.

Because people’s expressions of love are different, the ways in which we each create dopamine and oxytocin will vary. Through communication we have a better chance of meeting each other’s needs and creating lasting relationships. Though we all need dopamine, we all need a bit of woo in our lives, dopamine and woo equal excitement and fun.

What are you doing with your partner that is fun?

Be happy, have fun and create some dopamine

Sean x

Reasons to be Grateful

/1 Comment/in /by

Ed and I were talking on the podcast, this week, about Thanksgiving, about being grateful for what we have and where we are.

In Britain, perhaps a little earlier in the year, we have the harvest festival when we, in churches and schools, give thanks for the years farming produce. Historically this has been a great event that acknowledges our gratitude for the fact that we will survive the winter. Often harvest festivals were held in villages and communities keeping them together in a shared identity.

In this week of thanksgiving it begins with Grey Wednesday, when shops begin the early sales of good deals of Christmas fair. Thursday Thanks Giving is a celebration of when the founding fathers thanked the native Indians (1621) for their help and support they gave in 1620 when half of their community died from starvation. Next comes Black Friday when goods, at crazy discount prices, are available in the shops all over the world. This year Black Friday will also be the day of Mike’s Funeral (Rie’s dad), certainly a day of thanks giving. All this is followed Cyber Monday when special deals are available on line.

So, a quick word about Mike, who is my amazing father in law, who will be interred on Friday. It has been a real journey for him and the family as cancer and COPD have challenged his system and his spirit. He has been an amazing man. His granddaughter Halle wrote a poem to be read by her brother Ryan at the funeral in which she described him as her inspiration. She concluded with…

‘He is the bravest strongest man I know. Because you don’t know how strong someone is until being strong is the only option they have. I love my grandad, he is an incredible man, that is why my grandad is my inspiration.’

Mike’s funeral will truly be a thanksgiving for his life and the effect he has had on all those around him.

Thanksgiving as a Day is a national holiday celebrated in Canada and the United States. It gives thanks for the blessing of the harvest we have just had and our hopes and intentions for the coming year. Turkey Day is celebrated on the second Monday of October in Canada and Thanksgiving is on the fourth Thursday of November in the United States. Around the world many other places are now observing similar celebrations.

For all of us all we could be grateful and greet all our life with thanksgiving especially when we sit to eat. Traditionally we would say grace before the meal…

For what we are about to receive make us truly thankful

When we eat mindfully we eat with gratitude we greet all our food thankfully.

So whatever you are doing this week, waiting for a bus, eating a meal or making love, how about you greet it with thanksgiving and gratitude.

Be happy, be grateful

Sean xx

The Value of Life

/0 Comments/in /by

In this weeks podcast Ed and I looked at death and the value that we put on life. This followed a week where death has been high in our minds both globally and personally. The ISIS attacks in France were highly reported however they were not alone as there were also attacks in other countries and cities such as Beirut, that hardly made the western press at all. Two days prior to these events Mike, my father in law sadly passed away. So, it has seemed to me that death had been all around for the last few weeks.

I have been struck by the contrast of one man, a family, a whole team of nurses and medics trying to enable someone, Mike, to live and another man who straps explosives to himself and ends the lives of hundreds of people. It makes no sense to my emotional mind yet logically I do get it. It all seems to come down to the social grouping of ‘us’ and ‘them’.

This week I also watched Goggle Box, that crazy programme were we watch other people watching TV and their responses to the programmes. One of the programmes they were watching this week was ‘The Hunt’ were David Attenborough talked about a variety of animals attempting to kill other animals to enable them to eat and survive. The clip that interested me was that of the seal and the polar bear. At the outset, as the bear was trying to catch a seal to eat she looked big and strong, at that time everyone hated her in favour of the seal and they all shouted at the screen for the seal to get away and live which it did.

Later, when after a long winter the polar bear was skinny and near death due to lack of food the watches swapped their allegiance from the seal to the bear in the hope that she would now catch a seal and eat in order that she may survive. It became obvious that the watchers of these acts of death and attempted death were supporting those animals that they identified with at the time. It was as though the animals had been accepted as one of ‘us’ and were therefore supported by ‘us’.

This sense of ‘us-ness’ is a sense of anthropomorphism in which we assume human values to a particular animal. We assume that we know what these animals are thinking or feeling, it is as though we humanise them. This is both an emotional and a cognitive response. The opposite is ‘them-ness’ this is when we strip humanity away from another person and treat them in ways that we would not treat ‘us’. The Nazis did this with the Jews reducing them to the status of less than other humans, therefore making it ok for them to be mistreated and murdered at will. Any waring faction in the world can only do so when it separates either themselves or their victims and create ‘them-ness’.

The massive resources of money, knowledge, equipment, medicines, nursing and love that were poured into Mike were an expression that he was one of ‘us’ and that we would do all that we can to save him and ensure that his passing was as peaceful as possible. Over all these were all acts of love.

The Isis bombers that spent their massive resources of time, money, knowledge, training, weaponry, and so on, to prepare for these great events of hurt to others confirmed that their victims had become ‘them’ and as they were no longer ‘us’ could be treated in that way. This was an expression of hatred to those that they killed and sought to kill so that it could be as awful and as painful as it could possibly be.

Acts of ‘us-ness’ tend to be acts of love while acts of ‘them-ness’ tens to be acts of hate.

In a fractured world where human consciousness breaks the whole of humanity into various groups of us and them, acts of hurt become commonplace. To the asleep mind ‘they’ don’t matter because they are not ‘us’. ‘They have no feelings’, “They are not like ‘us’”. The divisions become endless, black/white, gay/straight, Christian/Jew, Muslim/Hindu, the list goes on forever.

It is easy to see those that we see as ‘them’ as inhuman and not like ‘us’.

On the basis that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter George Bush and Tony Blair, as the instigators of the Iraq war, may be seen by those in Isis in exactly the same way that ‘we’ see Jihadi John in the west. That is uncaring, immoral, violent, hateful, murderers and so on.

Russell Brand also popped up this week. A video clip from some months ago appeared on my FaceBook feed where Russell was talking about how we could overcome these violent acts of terrorism, we put the clip up in the list after the podcast and it is worth a listen. In the statements that Russell makes is the clear suggestion that in the end all that will solve the worlds problems is Love. Alongside this have been many quotes from John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. This all feeds into my basic belief and life work that is simply, if we all look after each other then we will all be ok. This obvious and evident truth is the basis of my life and my work.

In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Having come myself from a family that was full of ‘us’ and ‘them-ness’, with me being the ‘them’, to watch the love of ‘us-ness” that Rie’s family poured into her dad was a joy to behold. It so starkly shows me that if we could all just treat each other in the same way then there would be no wars, no strife, no hunger, no refugees. It would be so easy to create heaven on earth but to do that we have to imagine no countries, imagine no religion just imagine all the people all living life in peace.

If you did watch Goggle Box or The Hunt you might consider, the next time that you bite into the body of another being, that other beings do not really need to die in order for you to live. For most meat eaters the act of eating the flesh of others is an unconscious act, “it is what humans do, isn’t it?” It is only possible to eat another being when you see that being as ‘them’ that is provided to feed ‘us’. Strangely, when given the option to kill the lamb, the calf, cow or pig for themselves most people recoil in horror and disgust, just like those watching The Hunt. We may choose to see animals as different to us. If we allow ourselves into the mind of animals, another piece of anthropomorphism, we may well be seen as the imprisoners, torturers and murderers. These are the very same acts on animals that we decry when they are carried out on human beings.

Surely, and in the end, love is all there is?

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Overprotective Parents

/1 Comment/in /by

In this weeks podcast Ed and I were discussing the over parenting of children. In a nutshell what I was saying was that parents who need to over parent or over protect their children are limiting the child’s ability to grow and develop and discover the world and their place in it.

After the horrors of the Second World War in the 1940s England must have seemed a very safe place. Because it was safe, children were free to play out and discover the world. At that time there were no mobile phones, no internet and no TV. TV did not begin until 1953. The only media available to a child was either a comic or ‘listen with mother’ on the radio on the Home Service Channel that later became Radio 4.

So, to get their entertainment kids went out to play and would often roam around coming home for meals, though they could often be away from the house all day. No one thought of this as being unsafe. All the children walked to school, older children/siblings looked after younger ones.

It is with the development of transport, very few families had cars and people used public transport, cycles or foot, that children began to be ferried around. As television developed followed by the internet and mobile phones children had less reason to move away from the house and play became home based.

But something more sinister happened. As media and news became more immediate disasters, rapes and murders from around the word all became instant news and the world, all of a sudden, became an unsafe place. Parents became fearful for their children and the need to over parent and control began.

Where as in the 1950s young kids were street wise and kids from the late 70s onwards became less self reliant and more constrained and restricted by their fearful parents. The same parents came to positions of power in government and enacted laws that were said to protect children but actually limited the ability to develop. In the 1960’s a child could leave home at the age of fifteen and go to work.

However, the bottom line is that parents act out their own fears on their children. When a child is born it does not have fear it learns it from the immediate family through both observation and experience. In this way the limitation visited on a child came from their parents.

Writing this, I just looked up from the keyboard to see a Dettol advert, which, as you know, kills 99% of all known germs. A good thing you think? Well how can a child build a robust and effective immune system if it is not subject to the germs and bacteria that will enable them to develop the necessary antibodies?

Over control, from government to parents, develops a less creative, effective, healthy and dynamic population.

If you want your kids to find self-fulfillment let them live a little for themselves. Yes they may break their bones or cut themselves, but we can’t wrap the world in cotton wool. To become self fulfilled we need to go out and live.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

How to Beat Tiredness and Fatigue

/1 Comment/in /by

Fatigue – maybe you can lift it with some positive mindfulness

Fatigue is a different thing to tiredness. Tiredness can be resolved with a little rest or sleep. Fatigue is like being bone tired, it is deep down inside you and the more embedded that it becomes the more it takes to get beyond it and hopefully get rid of it.

The experience of fatigue has been given many titles, some of which are accepted by the medical profession and some are referred to psychology as though they do not really exist. From my work as a psychotherapist I see many forms of fatigue. In most cases the experience of fatigue is a learned habit, and as you know from the live in the present work, all habits can be changed or replaced.

Let’s have a look at a few reasons for fatigue.

Under-load is the opposite of over-load. When someone is under-loaded they have little or nothing to do. This is the classic couch potato. There is weight gain, poor diet, and a resultant lack of energy.

Clinical depression is when the body chemistry is out of balance and can only be adjusted with medication. This chemical imbalance can create feelings of fatigue. Clinical depression is mainly treated with medication and psychotherapeutic support

Reactive depression is when we have been subjected to an emotional trauma that has effected our body chemistry and created an imbalance. Again medication will help but the key here is psychotherapy.

SAD seasonal depression is when the vitamin D levels drop in the winter due to the reduced sunlight. This can be treated with vitamin D supplements.

Repressed anger is when people have internalised anger about people or events that is not dealt with or resolved. This is an issue

Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome (PVFS) this is when the body system has been compromised by the infection and needs to rebuild itself. Some medication will help but in most cases it is time, good food, and rest.

The following are not recognised by all medical authorities who can sometimes write off people’s fatigue as psycho-somatic. These include:
Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome CFS
Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome CFIDs

However, my colleagues in the pain clinic successfully treat many forms of fatigue using traditional medicine, psychotherapy and acupuncture.

Over-coming fatigue usually means that you have to take responsibility for your own system and become the expert in your own body. Rule out health problems first.

So here are some ideas that you might consider.

Lack of sleep is bad for you. If you cant sleep find out why and do something about it. Excess weight will make you tired, as will stress. If you find that you feel down in the winter get a vitamin D test, talk to your GP and maybe consider investigating St John’s Wart a herbal broad spectrum anti-depressant.

Exercise – get your heart beating fast for thirty minutes everyday
Yoga – is a good way to promote feelings of relaxation and reduce fatigue in you muscles
Hydrate – with water, drink around 2 litres a day
Bed early – get enough sleep but not too much
Meditate – research suggests that the ratio of meditation to sleep is about 5 to 1, that means that 10 minutes good meditation or relaxation is the equivalent of 50 minutes of sleep
Siestas! Afternoon nap – and power napping can boost your energy and you immune system

The last bit is have some fun. Laughter and smiles can raise your spirit and reduce your feelings of fatigue.

Take care

Sean x

“Have You Ever Been Fubbed (Phubbed)?”

/1 Comment/in /by

Ed asked me this when we were recording the podcast this week. My mind went on a riot of mainly rude thoughts trying to work out what fubbing could be. Well, it turns out that being fubbed is like being snubbed but the snubber is on their phone and ignoring you. I wonder if that should be Phubbed or Fubbed? Just Googled it and it is Phubbed.

Everybody that I know seems to have texter’s thumb that dances around like a fiddlers elbow having meaningful communication with those absent from the scene. One day I was in the local Gusto having a meal and when I looked up there was a table of eight people all on their phones and phubbing each other.

One sure thing is that when we lock into our devices, phones and tablets, we cease to live in the present. We are no longer in the surrounding environment. Often at least 90% of our consciousness is miles, if not millennia away. We cease to be where we are, with those around us or even with ourselves. We have become lost in the virtual world of…whatever?

I have been pondering the concept of snubbing others and the extension to the phone and phubbing and I am wondering what people felt like when the book came out. People that had once been chatty, social and engaged were now locked into the internalised fantasy in the their relationship with the book. I bet people looked at them and were offended by their excluding behaviour. Perhaps that would have been seen as being Bubbed.

But such things happen all the time, the person who is lost in the Tv. Is that Tubbed? Or when you are lost in a movie, Mubbed?

Maybe we Ub other people a lot.

The Ub has to be that moment when you disconnect with where you are and with those around you and are off somewhere in your head. You maybe there for a moment or minutes.

Mindfulness is the act of being present to your self in the moment. That is why meditation is so powerful because in body and breath focussed practise you cannot get much closer to yourself and your reality of being in the moment. When we Ub we lose that sense of living in the now. I think the worst Ub you can do is to Ub yourself. In ceasing to be present to yourself you can cause yourself untold physical, emotional and mental damage.

I think about those eight people around the table, what would it be like if one of them had looked up from their device to find that everyone else had left and that they were alone. What about the partner who looks up from their device to find they are now single. The driver who looks up from their device to find that they are now in A&E or the funeral parlour.

There are rumours in psychology that society is gradually becoming more autistic or aspergers. This means less social skills, less empathy, less connection with others. I guess we may see a split between those that live in an immediate hand on sensual world and those that live out a virtual existence.

One last thought. If the world that you are living in is so disengaging that you would rather Phub it, why are you in it? And if you do phub it for too long you may well find that when you do finally look from your device that your world has changed or that you are alone. Remember what you feed grows and what you starve dies.

I can imagine a world that creates a new set of concepts- “You Dirty Phubber”, “How dare you phub me, I’m out of here”, “Phub off”.

Be happy and try looking up from your device every now and then. You might actually enjoy living in the present.

Take care

Sean x

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do – but does it have to be?

/0 Comments/in /by

In this weeks podcast Ed and I have been talking about people splitting up. The process emotionally damages too many people, children included.

A large part of my psychotherapeutic week involves working with couples. Relationship counselling is an active part of the therapeutic world. Generally breaking up is hard to do but, does it have to be? For many this will always be ‘yes’ but for some it can be ‘no’.

All psychological and emotional change starts from the same place, this is forgiveness. To forgive means to forego or let go. When couples split it is because something has gone wrong, perhaps one person in the relationship has done something that is unacceptable and the end happens.
Anyone who has been through the divorce process will know that the only people that benefit from a couples inability to communicate are the solicitors.

Norwich Union (now called Aviva) published a study on the Cost of Divorce. The study said the average divorce costs a couple around £39,000. This figure includes things like the cost of setting up a new home, buying personal items (e.g., a second car), and lost personal savings.

There is also the issue of pension rights that have an on-going effect.

Actually, in the UK you can get divorced, using the DIY system through the county court, for as little as £600.00. But this is only if you can communicate with each other and come to a shared agreement.

Therapy can help
When I work with couples it is not always on the basis of looking for ways to get back together or make things work. Often people who wish to bring their relationship to a positive end will seek advice, mediation and negotiation and in so doing create the least damage to the children and themselves and to do so at a minimal cost.

On many occasions one or both people will feel that they have been injured by their relationship. When this happens couples are seen for both individual and couples therapy. This may include using another therapist, often female. This has the advantage of both people feeling that they have support and often there will be four of us involved in the negotiations that lead to a resolution. And, as I said earlier this may be to create a re-union or a split.

I get couples to write a contract either way, staying together or splitting up. They sign this and then we police it.

Communication is the key to breaking up but in divorce we have two people who have probably come to the end because they couldn’t communicate in the first place. If you always do the same things in the same way you get the same results and that is what couples often do. This is why an independent unbiased therapist can be so helpful.

As a last idea, most people coming out of a relationship feel that they will never do that again or that the will never meet another person and never have another relationship. In reality within two years most people are back into a relationship.

Take care, be happy and carry on communicating with your partner.

Sean x