Reasons to be Grateful

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Ed and I were talking on the podcast, this week, about Thanksgiving, about being grateful for what we have and where we are.

In Britain, perhaps a little earlier in the year, we have the harvest festival when we, in churches and schools, give thanks for the years farming produce. Historically this has been a great event that acknowledges our gratitude for the fact that we will survive the winter. Often harvest festivals were held in villages and communities keeping them together in a shared identity.

In this week of thanksgiving it begins with Grey Wednesday, when shops begin the early sales of good deals of Christmas fair. Thursday Thanks Giving is a celebration of when the founding fathers thanked the native Indians (1621) for their help and support they gave in 1620 when half of their community died from starvation. Next comes Black Friday when goods, at crazy discount prices, are available in the shops all over the world. This year Black Friday will also be the day of Mike’s Funeral (Rie’s dad), certainly a day of thanks giving. All this is followed Cyber Monday when special deals are available on line.

So, a quick word about Mike, who is my amazing father in law, who will be interred on Friday. It has been a real journey for him and the family as cancer and COPD have challenged his system and his spirit. He has been an amazing man. His granddaughter Halle wrote a poem to be read by her brother Ryan at the funeral in which she described him as her inspiration. She concluded with…

‘He is the bravest strongest man I know. Because you don’t know how strong someone is until being strong is the only option they have. I love my grandad, he is an incredible man, that is why my grandad is my inspiration.’

Mike’s funeral will truly be a thanksgiving for his life and the effect he has had on all those around him.

Thanksgiving as a Day is a national holiday celebrated in Canada and the United States. It gives thanks for the blessing of the harvest we have just had and our hopes and intentions for the coming year. Turkey Day is celebrated on the second Monday of October in Canada and Thanksgiving is on the fourth Thursday of November in the United States. Around the world many other places are now observing similar celebrations.

For all of us all we could be grateful and greet all our life with thanksgiving especially when we sit to eat. Traditionally we would say grace before the meal…

For what we are about to receive make us truly thankful

When we eat mindfully we eat with gratitude we greet all our food thankfully.

So whatever you are doing this week, waiting for a bus, eating a meal or making love, how about you greet it with thanksgiving and gratitude.

Be happy, be grateful

Sean xx

The Value of Life

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In this weeks podcast Ed and I looked at death and the value that we put on life. This followed a week where death has been high in our minds both globally and personally. The ISIS attacks in France were highly reported however they were not alone as there were also attacks in other countries and cities such as Beirut, that hardly made the western press at all. Two days prior to these events Mike, my father in law sadly passed away. So, it has seemed to me that death had been all around for the last few weeks.

I have been struck by the contrast of one man, a family, a whole team of nurses and medics trying to enable someone, Mike, to live and another man who straps explosives to himself and ends the lives of hundreds of people. It makes no sense to my emotional mind yet logically I do get it. It all seems to come down to the social grouping of ‘us’ and ‘them’.

This week I also watched Goggle Box, that crazy programme were we watch other people watching TV and their responses to the programmes. One of the programmes they were watching this week was ‘The Hunt’ were David Attenborough talked about a variety of animals attempting to kill other animals to enable them to eat and survive. The clip that interested me was that of the seal and the polar bear. At the outset, as the bear was trying to catch a seal to eat she looked big and strong, at that time everyone hated her in favour of the seal and they all shouted at the screen for the seal to get away and live which it did.

Later, when after a long winter the polar bear was skinny and near death due to lack of food the watches swapped their allegiance from the seal to the bear in the hope that she would now catch a seal and eat in order that she may survive. It became obvious that the watchers of these acts of death and attempted death were supporting those animals that they identified with at the time. It was as though the animals had been accepted as one of ‘us’ and were therefore supported by ‘us’.

This sense of ‘us-ness’ is a sense of anthropomorphism in which we assume human values to a particular animal. We assume that we know what these animals are thinking or feeling, it is as though we humanise them. This is both an emotional and a cognitive response. The opposite is ‘them-ness’ this is when we strip humanity away from another person and treat them in ways that we would not treat ‘us’. The Nazis did this with the Jews reducing them to the status of less than other humans, therefore making it ok for them to be mistreated and murdered at will. Any waring faction in the world can only do so when it separates either themselves or their victims and create ‘them-ness’.

The massive resources of money, knowledge, equipment, medicines, nursing and love that were poured into Mike were an expression that he was one of ‘us’ and that we would do all that we can to save him and ensure that his passing was as peaceful as possible. Over all these were all acts of love.

The Isis bombers that spent their massive resources of time, money, knowledge, training, weaponry, and so on, to prepare for these great events of hurt to others confirmed that their victims had become ‘them’ and as they were no longer ‘us’ could be treated in that way. This was an expression of hatred to those that they killed and sought to kill so that it could be as awful and as painful as it could possibly be.

Acts of ‘us-ness’ tend to be acts of love while acts of ‘them-ness’ tens to be acts of hate.

In a fractured world where human consciousness breaks the whole of humanity into various groups of us and them, acts of hurt become commonplace. To the asleep mind ‘they’ don’t matter because they are not ‘us’. ‘They have no feelings’, “They are not like ‘us’”. The divisions become endless, black/white, gay/straight, Christian/Jew, Muslim/Hindu, the list goes on forever.

It is easy to see those that we see as ‘them’ as inhuman and not like ‘us’.

On the basis that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter George Bush and Tony Blair, as the instigators of the Iraq war, may be seen by those in Isis in exactly the same way that ‘we’ see Jihadi John in the west. That is uncaring, immoral, violent, hateful, murderers and so on.

Russell Brand also popped up this week. A video clip from some months ago appeared on my FaceBook feed where Russell was talking about how we could overcome these violent acts of terrorism, we put the clip up in the list after the podcast and it is worth a listen. In the statements that Russell makes is the clear suggestion that in the end all that will solve the worlds problems is Love. Alongside this have been many quotes from John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’. This all feeds into my basic belief and life work that is simply, if we all look after each other then we will all be ok. This obvious and evident truth is the basis of my life and my work.

In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

Having come myself from a family that was full of ‘us’ and ‘them-ness’, with me being the ‘them’, to watch the love of ‘us-ness” that Rie’s family poured into her dad was a joy to behold. It so starkly shows me that if we could all just treat each other in the same way then there would be no wars, no strife, no hunger, no refugees. It would be so easy to create heaven on earth but to do that we have to imagine no countries, imagine no religion just imagine all the people all living life in peace.

If you did watch Goggle Box or The Hunt you might consider, the next time that you bite into the body of another being, that other beings do not really need to die in order for you to live. For most meat eaters the act of eating the flesh of others is an unconscious act, “it is what humans do, isn’t it?” It is only possible to eat another being when you see that being as ‘them’ that is provided to feed ‘us’. Strangely, when given the option to kill the lamb, the calf, cow or pig for themselves most people recoil in horror and disgust, just like those watching The Hunt. We may choose to see animals as different to us. If we allow ourselves into the mind of animals, another piece of anthropomorphism, we may well be seen as the imprisoners, torturers and murderers. These are the very same acts on animals that we decry when they are carried out on human beings.

Surely, and in the end, love is all there is?

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Overprotective Parents

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In this weeks podcast Ed and I were discussing the over parenting of children. In a nutshell what I was saying was that parents who need to over parent or over protect their children are limiting the child’s ability to grow and develop and discover the world and their place in it.

After the horrors of the Second World War in the 1940s England must have seemed a very safe place. Because it was safe, children were free to play out and discover the world. At that time there were no mobile phones, no internet and no TV. TV did not begin until 1953. The only media available to a child was either a comic or ‘listen with mother’ on the radio on the Home Service Channel that later became Radio 4.

So, to get their entertainment kids went out to play and would often roam around coming home for meals, though they could often be away from the house all day. No one thought of this as being unsafe. All the children walked to school, older children/siblings looked after younger ones.

It is with the development of transport, very few families had cars and people used public transport, cycles or foot, that children began to be ferried around. As television developed followed by the internet and mobile phones children had less reason to move away from the house and play became home based.

But something more sinister happened. As media and news became more immediate disasters, rapes and murders from around the word all became instant news and the world, all of a sudden, became an unsafe place. Parents became fearful for their children and the need to over parent and control began.

Where as in the 1950s young kids were street wise and kids from the late 70s onwards became less self reliant and more constrained and restricted by their fearful parents. The same parents came to positions of power in government and enacted laws that were said to protect children but actually limited the ability to develop. In the 1960’s a child could leave home at the age of fifteen and go to work.

However, the bottom line is that parents act out their own fears on their children. When a child is born it does not have fear it learns it from the immediate family through both observation and experience. In this way the limitation visited on a child came from their parents.

Writing this, I just looked up from the keyboard to see a Dettol advert, which, as you know, kills 99% of all known germs. A good thing you think? Well how can a child build a robust and effective immune system if it is not subject to the germs and bacteria that will enable them to develop the necessary antibodies?

Over control, from government to parents, develops a less creative, effective, healthy and dynamic population.

If you want your kids to find self-fulfillment let them live a little for themselves. Yes they may break their bones or cut themselves, but we can’t wrap the world in cotton wool. To become self fulfilled we need to go out and live.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

How to Beat Tiredness and Fatigue

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Fatigue – maybe you can lift it with some positive mindfulness

Fatigue is a different thing to tiredness. Tiredness can be resolved with a little rest or sleep. Fatigue is like being bone tired, it is deep down inside you and the more embedded that it becomes the more it takes to get beyond it and hopefully get rid of it.

The experience of fatigue has been given many titles, some of which are accepted by the medical profession and some are referred to psychology as though they do not really exist. From my work as a psychotherapist I see many forms of fatigue. In most cases the experience of fatigue is a learned habit, and as you know from the live in the present work, all habits can be changed or replaced.

Let’s have a look at a few reasons for fatigue.

Under-load is the opposite of over-load. When someone is under-loaded they have little or nothing to do. This is the classic couch potato. There is weight gain, poor diet, and a resultant lack of energy.

Clinical depression is when the body chemistry is out of balance and can only be adjusted with medication. This chemical imbalance can create feelings of fatigue. Clinical depression is mainly treated with medication and psychotherapeutic support

Reactive depression is when we have been subjected to an emotional trauma that has effected our body chemistry and created an imbalance. Again medication will help but the key here is psychotherapy.

SAD seasonal depression is when the vitamin D levels drop in the winter due to the reduced sunlight. This can be treated with vitamin D supplements.

Repressed anger is when people have internalised anger about people or events that is not dealt with or resolved. This is an issue

Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome (PVFS) this is when the body system has been compromised by the infection and needs to rebuild itself. Some medication will help but in most cases it is time, good food, and rest.

The following are not recognised by all medical authorities who can sometimes write off people’s fatigue as psycho-somatic. These include:
Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME)
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome CFS
Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome CFIDs

However, my colleagues in the pain clinic successfully treat many forms of fatigue using traditional medicine, psychotherapy and acupuncture.

Over-coming fatigue usually means that you have to take responsibility for your own system and become the expert in your own body. Rule out health problems first.

So here are some ideas that you might consider.

Lack of sleep is bad for you. If you cant sleep find out why and do something about it. Excess weight will make you tired, as will stress. If you find that you feel down in the winter get a vitamin D test, talk to your GP and maybe consider investigating St John’s Wart a herbal broad spectrum anti-depressant.

Exercise – get your heart beating fast for thirty minutes everyday
Yoga – is a good way to promote feelings of relaxation and reduce fatigue in you muscles
Hydrate – with water, drink around 2 litres a day
Bed early – get enough sleep but not too much
Meditate – research suggests that the ratio of meditation to sleep is about 5 to 1, that means that 10 minutes good meditation or relaxation is the equivalent of 50 minutes of sleep
Siestas! Afternoon nap – and power napping can boost your energy and you immune system

The last bit is have some fun. Laughter and smiles can raise your spirit and reduce your feelings of fatigue.

Take care

Sean x

“Have You Ever Been Fubbed (Phubbed)?”

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Ed asked me this when we were recording the podcast this week. My mind went on a riot of mainly rude thoughts trying to work out what fubbing could be. Well, it turns out that being fubbed is like being snubbed but the snubber is on their phone and ignoring you. I wonder if that should be Phubbed or Fubbed? Just Googled it and it is Phubbed.

Everybody that I know seems to have texter’s thumb that dances around like a fiddlers elbow having meaningful communication with those absent from the scene. One day I was in the local Gusto having a meal and when I looked up there was a table of eight people all on their phones and phubbing each other.

One sure thing is that when we lock into our devices, phones and tablets, we cease to live in the present. We are no longer in the surrounding environment. Often at least 90% of our consciousness is miles, if not millennia away. We cease to be where we are, with those around us or even with ourselves. We have become lost in the virtual world of…whatever?

I have been pondering the concept of snubbing others and the extension to the phone and phubbing and I am wondering what people felt like when the book came out. People that had once been chatty, social and engaged were now locked into the internalised fantasy in the their relationship with the book. I bet people looked at them and were offended by their excluding behaviour. Perhaps that would have been seen as being Bubbed.

But such things happen all the time, the person who is lost in the Tv. Is that Tubbed? Or when you are lost in a movie, Mubbed?

Maybe we Ub other people a lot.

The Ub has to be that moment when you disconnect with where you are and with those around you and are off somewhere in your head. You maybe there for a moment or minutes.

Mindfulness is the act of being present to your self in the moment. That is why meditation is so powerful because in body and breath focussed practise you cannot get much closer to yourself and your reality of being in the moment. When we Ub we lose that sense of living in the now. I think the worst Ub you can do is to Ub yourself. In ceasing to be present to yourself you can cause yourself untold physical, emotional and mental damage.

I think about those eight people around the table, what would it be like if one of them had looked up from their device to find that everyone else had left and that they were alone. What about the partner who looks up from their device to find they are now single. The driver who looks up from their device to find that they are now in A&E or the funeral parlour.

There are rumours in psychology that society is gradually becoming more autistic or aspergers. This means less social skills, less empathy, less connection with others. I guess we may see a split between those that live in an immediate hand on sensual world and those that live out a virtual existence.

One last thought. If the world that you are living in is so disengaging that you would rather Phub it, why are you in it? And if you do phub it for too long you may well find that when you do finally look from your device that your world has changed or that you are alone. Remember what you feed grows and what you starve dies.

I can imagine a world that creates a new set of concepts- “You Dirty Phubber”, “How dare you phub me, I’m out of here”, “Phub off”.

Be happy and try looking up from your device every now and then. You might actually enjoy living in the present.

Take care

Sean x

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do – but does it have to be?

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In this weeks podcast Ed and I have been talking about people splitting up. The process emotionally damages too many people, children included.

A large part of my psychotherapeutic week involves working with couples. Relationship counselling is an active part of the therapeutic world. Generally breaking up is hard to do but, does it have to be? For many this will always be ‘yes’ but for some it can be ‘no’.

All psychological and emotional change starts from the same place, this is forgiveness. To forgive means to forego or let go. When couples split it is because something has gone wrong, perhaps one person in the relationship has done something that is unacceptable and the end happens.
Anyone who has been through the divorce process will know that the only people that benefit from a couples inability to communicate are the solicitors.

Norwich Union (now called Aviva) published a study on the Cost of Divorce. The study said the average divorce costs a couple around £39,000. This figure includes things like the cost of setting up a new home, buying personal items (e.g., a second car), and lost personal savings.

There is also the issue of pension rights that have an on-going effect.

Actually, in the UK you can get divorced, using the DIY system through the county court, for as little as £600.00. But this is only if you can communicate with each other and come to a shared agreement.

Therapy can help
When I work with couples it is not always on the basis of looking for ways to get back together or make things work. Often people who wish to bring their relationship to a positive end will seek advice, mediation and negotiation and in so doing create the least damage to the children and themselves and to do so at a minimal cost.

On many occasions one or both people will feel that they have been injured by their relationship. When this happens couples are seen for both individual and couples therapy. This may include using another therapist, often female. This has the advantage of both people feeling that they have support and often there will be four of us involved in the negotiations that lead to a resolution. And, as I said earlier this may be to create a re-union or a split.

I get couples to write a contract either way, staying together or splitting up. They sign this and then we police it.

Communication is the key to breaking up but in divorce we have two people who have probably come to the end because they couldn’t communicate in the first place. If you always do the same things in the same way you get the same results and that is what couples often do. This is why an independent unbiased therapist can be so helpful.

As a last idea, most people coming out of a relationship feel that they will never do that again or that the will never meet another person and never have another relationship. In reality within two years most people are back into a relationship.

Take care, be happy and carry on communicating with your partner.

Sean x

Desensitisation

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What is a Chakra?

A Chakra is a wheel, or a vortex of energy that exists on many levels in the body. Different system define a chakra is various ways.

The Brain
We think of the brain as a lump of tissue in our skull. Try thinking of your brain as your entire nervous system. Your spinal column connects through synapsis, to every nerve in your body, it is all one organ. Nervous plexuses are formed at seven main points in the system. These are at the crown of your head, your forehead, throat, middle of your chest, solar plexus, just below your navel, and in you perineum between your legs. The amount of nervous energy at each plexus is dictated by the amount needed at any one site. Some are more active than others.

The Endocrine System
Associated with each plexus is an endocrine organ. The crown of your head is the Pineal Gland, forehead, the Pituitary Gland, throat, the Thyroid Gland, chest, the Thymus Gland, solar plexus, the Pancreas, the navel, the adrenal glands, the perineum, the gonads. Each gland contributes hormones into the body system. Different glands will respond differently in different people. Some systems may be dominated by the gonadal hormones while others may be dominated by the pituitary and so on. The entire system talks to itself via the cardio vascular system and hormones are delivered to where they are needed in the blood stream.

The Traditional Chakra System
In the Yogic and Ayurvedic systems of both mind and body each chakra is given a Sanskrit name and has associated characteristics. The crown chakra is the Sahasaram and is associated with creativity. The forehead chakra, the Ajna is associated with sensitivity and harmony. The throat chakra, the Vishuddi is associated with thought and cognition. The heart chakra, the Anhatta, is associated with emotion and power. The solar plexus chakra is associated with intellect and perceptual experience. The navel chakra is associated with sensuality, friendship and family. The base chakra in perineum is associated the body as a whole, sexuality and physical action or behaviour.

The Seven Yoga
The Rishes, or researchers, recognised that people were dominated physically, emotionally and mentally by the hormones of particular chakras that created different personality types. To cater for the self development needs of the differing personality types the Rishes identified seven ways of being that became known as the Yogas. Yoga comes from the root word Yug or to gather. A yoga is all the information that has been gathered and understood about that chakra. The seven yogas are:

Tantra – concerned with the creative imagination
Raja – concerned with meditative and spiritual practice
Mantra – concerned with the mind, thought and the spoken word
Bhakti – concerned with the control of power and the development of service to others
Jnana – concerned with the intellect, experiment and research of new ideas
HaTha – concerned balancing the energy of the body, mind and emotion to create stability
Karma – concerned with the rightness of action

While many personality types followed a single yogic path there were some who followed all seven, this is known as Ashtanga or Integral Yoga.

Bio – Energy
Many people and systems identify the chakras as colours that can be seen in the bio-energetic energy that emanates from and surrounds the body. This energy, that can know be photographed using a Kirlean camera, was traditionally termed the Aura. The colours in the aura depend on the openness of each chakra. Those who have studied the chakra system in depth have worked to develop a form of Ayurvedic psychology. Over time, in the west this has become a form of spectral psychology, which identifies the colours of the chakras and their primary drives.

Crown – Pineal – Creativity – Violet
Forehead – Pituitary – Intuition – Indigo
Throat – Thyroid – Conceptual – mind Blue
Chest – Thymus – Emotion – Green
Solar Plexus – Pancreas – Intellectual – mind Yellow
Navel – Adrenal – Social/sensual – Orange
Perineum – Gonads – Sexual/Behavioural – Red

Spectral Psychology
From all the work alluded to above a small group of western psychologists and other practitioners have, and continue to develop the understanding of the spectral model of psychology. The notables that I have worked with are Christopher Hills, Kevin Kingsland, David Pike, and a few others. David Pike and myself are hoping to prepare a publication that will go into the concepts of spectral psychology and therapy in depth.

There is plenty to read on the chakra system so have a good google. If you want to dive into some good yoga psychology check out Ramurti Mishra, Text Book of Yoga Psychology.

Take care

Sean x

When Did You Last Play?

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Watch a couple of children when they first meet each other, how long is it before they start playing with each other? Usually not very long. The thing about children is they do not need permission to play, they do not need to organise it, they just simply do it. When did you last play?

‘We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.’
George Bernard Shaw/Benjamin Franklin

There are two forms of play, productive and passive. Productive play is, for me, more like doing work. It includes things like athletic racing, football, cricket, rugby and so on. The thing about productive play is that we are seeking an outcome that creates winners and losers. Passive play just involves fun; there is no winning it is just playing for playing’s sake.

Whatever form of play you participate in helps with so many things. We are helped in our developmental stages with brain development, body development and emotional development as in play fighting helps kids learn the limits of aggression.

Research shows that play, in many forms including cognitive play like scrabble and crosswords, sudoku and other puzzles can help prevent alzheimer’s, dementia, depression and increase motivation.

The big issue is fun. Playing is, or should be, enjoyable, it makes us feel good, happy, helps us bond with others and create social connections. We learn to co-operate, negotiate and communicate.

Some of the good reasons to play is to develop life skills, to learn, to create, to feel challenged, to lose ourselves in a pleasurable activity, to be calm, focussed, and to work co-operatively.

We know that play can: relieve stress, trigger the release of endorphins, that promote an overall sense of well-being, they can also relieve pain. Raised endorphins strengthen our immune system

Couples that spontaneously play, improve their relationship, share laughter, develop empathy, compassion, trust, intimacy and sexuality. Play can also loosen you up in stressful situations and break the ice with strangers.

We live in a world that separates our life into work and play. If we get to do what we want with our live we cease to work and begin to play. It might just be that if you learn to play and enjoy your life that you will never need to work again. You can play all day.

Take care and be happy.

Sean x

Depression

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Dealing with Depression

People tell me about being stressed, when they are not, they are busy. People tell about having the flu when they haven’t, that have a cold. People tell me that they are depressed when they are not, they are a little bit down. The natural flow of human emotion is to be high and to be low. This flow is normal and may happen minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month. It may flow throughout the year so that people feel high in the summer and low in the winter. To feel a bit down from time to time is normal.

What is depression?

Try and visualise a flat line that starts in the present moment and goes on into eternity. The line represent the normal, normal feeling and normal actions, you might see the line as flatness neither happy or sad, positive or negative. Anything above the line is positive, happiness, joy and as it gets higher euphoria, ecstasy and mania. Below the line is dullness, lack of motivation, inertia, unhappiness, misery, sadness, and depression.

Those described as manic depressive have fluctuating emotions between the highs of mania, through normality of the middle line to the lows of depression. There are many types of manic depression. Some are mainly high with a little bit of low, some mainly low with a little high and all other combinations between these two. Then there are the issues of if these changes are rapid cycling or slow cycling.

Depression describes an emotional state that exists below the normal line. As we all have up days and down days we all feel high and lows. Both mania and depression are the extremes of these normal emotional states.

The mind brain
The mind is the emotional and conceptual part of the system or the software of the system. The brain is the meat, or hardware of the system. Feelings are in the software and, the chemistry or endorphins of the brain, are in the hardware. Both effect each other. If we change the way that we think or feel we will change our brain chemistry. On the other hand if we change our brain chemistry we change the way that we think and feel.

Changing Your Brain

Medication
Anti-Depressants change the brain chemistry that in turn changes the way that we think and feel.

Psychotherapy
This changes the way that we think and feel that in turn changes the brain chemistry.

Both medication and psychotherapy are relevant and will affect depression. In most cases of deep depression they will only work effectively when used together.

Clinical depression
This is when depression is the sole result of deficient brain chemistry. This requires medication, which may need to be used forever; just as if you have an insulin deficiency because you are diabetic you will need medication for life.

Reactive depression
This is when an event or experience affects our thinking and feeling and subsequently effects our brain chemistry. Included in reactive depression are bereavement, loss, hurt, separation and so on. Also there may be trauma and post traumatic stress. Both medication and talking therapies will be useful for reactive depression.

Repressed anger
This type of depression is not always accepted by some professionals, though I often experience it in my consulting room. Perhaps a manager or partner acts in way that creates anger within you that you are unable to respond to. The situation requires that you keep quiet and repress your feelings. Over time, as the anger accumulates, the negative feelings that are unexpressed, eventually turn against you and are eventually excreted as depression. Therapy is an absolute must in this case. Also running, jumping, screaming and shouting to let go of all negative energy will be really useful.

Generally there are many issues of feeling down in life. Post natal depression, the baby blues, midlife crisis, bereavement, loss, being continuously let down, and so on. In most cases when the situation remains unaddressed it will eventually become depression.

Dealing With Depression
The first step is to be clear about what type of depression you have then you can proceed to treatment. We all need to be aware of our emotional health. The self help tip here has to be that if you begin to feel bad, down or depressed do something about it. The more aware you become of your self the more you will be able to attend to your own needs and not get lost in the depth of depression.

Whatever your type, you are least likely to experience depression by practising mindfulness, and those that are depressed and begin to practice mindfulness will not only solve their problems quicker but may also reduce the levels of medication required to solve their issues.

Finally you do not need to suffer from depression. When you feel really down and you can’t shift it get some help.

Be happy and be mindful

Take care

Sean x

Help with ‘Blended Families’

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The Blended Family

“Blended Family” I love that phrase and the concept behind it. I am not sure where the phrase “step family” comes from but blended certainly sounds a whole lot better.

This week on the podcast Ed and I have been talking about what to do when we inherit an extended family. We live in a world where couples no longer stay together as they once did. There has been a drop in the divorce rate of 50% from a few years ago to the latest figure from the office of national statistics of 42%. We probably all know someone who is divorced, living as a single parent, or are part of a blended family.

The issue that was raised by the listener who requested this podcast was about having step children some of whom got on with her very well and one who was positively negative and ‘hated’ her. Sometimes these situations are based in “I love him but not his kids”.

Being a step parent is not an easy job. The best blended family’s work when the old family and the new family all talk together in a civil manner. This will always be dependent on the nature of the split and who blames who for what, who has been able to forgive whom for whatever went on.

The wicked step mother, in all fairy stories is a popular myth. Many step mothers do their very best to accommodate and care for the step children while they are in loco parentis. The problem can be when the other parent is using the child to wage a war on their ex’s new partner. This phenomenon called conflict by proxy and can be very destructive for all involved.

There is also an issue of ethos. The ethos of the two homes may vary greatly so that the children have problems adapting to the different regime when visiting the step home. Perhaps in their main home there are few boundaries and the children do what they want, go to bed when they want and so on. In the step family there are boundaries and routine. This can create conflict.

Often there is limited time with the kids. Access arrangements in Britain are usually every other weekend and a visit during the week if geography allows. So the impact that the step home can have on the child’s life will be limited.

Many young and adult step children will feel that in liking a step mother or father that they are betraying their mother or father. They may also feel possessive to their parent wanting to reject the new partner.

Are there answers? Well the net is full of ideas and blogs, sites and apps many of which are helpful. Most times it comes down to communication and when communication is impossible you need to refer to the Live In the present book chapter on the law of allowing. You can’t push water up hill and you can’t make a guinea pig bark. There is a time when as a step parent, you would be best to step back and leave it to the natal parents to sort it out.

I guess that as the level of blended families grows we will get better at living with them.

Take care and be happy

Sean x