Is the internet making us dumber?

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For me the short answer is no. However, what the internet is doing is changing our emotional and cognitive responses to ourselves and those people around us.

Aspergers and Autism
People who are on the spectrum of Aspergers and Autism differ from the rest of the population in that their emotional expression and understanding is withheld and internalised. Those on the spectrum do have feelings and emotions but the ability to understand them and share them is difficult for them. Therefore those on the spectrum may have emotional outbursts that may be loud, highly charged and even violent but they have problems with simple sensual touch and caring emotions or empathy.

Internet Based Aspergers Syndrome
One important aspect of communication is in visual expressions, responses and observations. It is estimated (Psychology Today) that body language, visual non-verbal communication, amounts to around 55% of all communication. Autistic behaviour lacks this visual context. Eye contact is avoided so all body language is lost. So immediately autistic people are missing 55% of the communicated message.

Those involved in Internet communication, using text and email, are no longer seeing or understanding the body language of those people they attempting to communicate with and will therefore act in an autistic manner.

Calacanis, the internet blogger, says that he’s come to recognise a new disorder, the underlying cause of, what he calls, Harris’ Law, Internet Asperger’s Syndrome, which affects people when their communication moves to digital, causing them to stop seeing the humanity in other people, and to behave in other ways that parallel the symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome.

However at least the Autistic person can hear what people are saying. It is estimated (Psychology Today) that 38% of communication is in the tone of voice. This is totally lost in digital communication. This means that those with Internet Based Aspergers Syndrome are even more emotionally disabled than those with regular Asperger’s syndrome.

What is left in the communication is the written word of a text, email, or posting on Twitter or FaceBook, this is only 7% of the meaning in the communication leaving a huge potential for miscommunication.

When people get locked into the Internet on social media or gaming, over time, it would appear that they lose their empathy and emotional/social contact with others. You may have thousands of friends on Facebook and not really know any of them. This suggests an ever increasing social disconnect. Looking at many internet games that can serve to normalise violent behaviours and attitudes it makes me wonder whether we are training ourselves to be harder, less caring and more isolated.

Harris’s Law
At some point, all humanity in an online community is lost, and the goal becomes to inflict as much psychological suffering as possible on another person.

The internet with all the people communicating online can easily wind up mimicking these Asperger’s behaviours because they are imposing the same disadvantages on themselves. In both cases, when the ability to see nonverbal responses and facial expressions goes away, on the internet you then need to add the tone of voice. What really goes is empathy. So in the end you are no longer communicating with a person, they have just become words on a screen. Or only 7% of who they are.

The positive side of the Internet is our ability to share and access information. The key here is in the word information. Information is not emotion.

So, for me the Internet does not make us dumber what is does is make us less empathic. It is good but not at the cost of real face to face relationships. At least with Skype and FaceTime we can see the other person and hear the tone of their voice, here we have the chance to get near to the 100% of communication. When we rely on word alone we have a mere 7% – not good!

Take care, be happy and communicate

Sean X

Affairs – Why Do We Cheat?

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This week Ed and I got a message asking if we could have a look at why do we cheat in relationships.

“Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? Is it such a bad thing? Is cheating ever good for a relationship? How should we react when our partner cheats? Should we take it personally and let it affect us and our relationship, if it was simply just a case of ‘living in the present ( ! )’ and being in the moment, living life and following what the chemicals in your brain are telling you to do? Can you learn to be faithful? If so how do you learn to want to be faithful?

Let’s have a look one bit at a time.

Why do we cheat in relationships?
Well statistics suggest that 61% of people have affairs. This would suggest for the majority of people unfaithfulness is normal behaviour.

Why do men cheat?
Much research suggests that unfaithfulness is often genetic up to 63% of men are expected to be genetically predisposed to spread their genes. It is assumed that the male of the species is programmed to have sex with as many women as possible. Chemically it is suggested that the majority of men who have affairs are driven by testosterone and the high of sexual orgasm.

Why do women cheat?
For women research suggests that around 40% of women are genetically predisposed to unfaithfulness but whereas men are driven by testosterone, women are more likely driven by oxytocin. This is the bonding chemical that is released by the brain in response to cuddling, fondling, kissing and sexual contact.

Is it such a bad thing?
This is in the eye of the beholder. For some open relationships are good and add spice and excitement to their relationship. There are no rules here. If you are naturally faithful and your partner is not, all you will do is create pain and heart ache for them and perhaps children and in-laws.

Can cheating be good for a relationship?
I have worked with couples where one person became so involved with work or other issues that the gradually paid less and less attention to their partner who in the desperate need to get some attention turned to another person to give them a sense of self worth.

If the result of an affair is that your partner now pays you the attention that you deserve you could decide that it was a good thing. If on the other hand it leaves you ruminating on what ‘they’ we’re doing it will become totally destructive.

How should you react when your partner cheats?
Well, either you decide that it is now all over and separation is the only option or you feel that it is worth fighting for. If it is worth it then you probably need therapy – That’s where I come from.

Should we take it personally?
Yes… Either you chose the wrong person or something happened to make them the wrong person and what they have done does affect you and how you feel about who you are?

How do you learn to be faithful?
This is the rule of…

…What you feed grows and what you starve dies

If you want your relationship to grow then feed it. If you starve it then it will die. It is a choice.

How do you learn to be faithful?
Pain or awareness. If you are not aware enough to nurture your relationship then you will experience the pain of it failing.

Perhaps I should finish this with the idea that if you want your relationship to work you need to agree your relationship contract before you begin it. Fidelity is a contractual agreement. If you are unfaithful the contract is over. Unless you have an open agreement cheating is definitely out.

Take care

Sean X

Alone or Lonely?

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Many people when they wake have such a fear of, or antipathy to silence that they need to fill the space around them with sound. On goes the radio, TV or MP3 player, the day has begun. I am not suggesting that we should not listen to things though it might benefit us to look at what we are doing and why?

I have met many people who hate the feeling of aloneness. When I dig into this it is often based in fear. In the last blog I was talking about the two different forms of anxiety either based in worry or fear. Often, when we need to fill the space around us with sound we are avoiding the anxiety of fear.

Ok, so nothing wrong with enjoying listening to things. For me it is audio books, I love a good story read by a good storyteller. I am thinking more about where there is something turned on making a noise in every room because there is a perceived feeling of unwanted emptiness if the room is in silence. The fear is often what will we hear or be aware of if we listen to the silence, if there is no noise or distraction. In psycho-speak we might consider this way of repressing unwanted memories or thoughts. If the mind is busy and filled with stuff we avoid feeling or we can’t think.

How do you feel about being in silence?
On meditation intensives you live in absolute or ‘noble silence’ for the entire course that may be seven, ten or thirty plus days. In the silence, when all outside stimulus has ceased all that can be heard are the inner machinations of your emotions and mind, your thoughts, memories and feelings. Sometimes this is difficult as the memories may be hard to deal with and may involve unresolved hurt, loss or bereavement that needs to be faced processed and let go of. I should also point out that there are also many happy and positive memories that come back to say hello as well, it is not all tough stuff.

I have a friend who, like me, experienced abuse as a child yet our experience of being alone is exactly opposite. For her there is a fear of being alone in a silent space. She always needs the door to be open and for other people to be around or for there to be sound. For me it is the reverse, when there is silence and the door is shut I am safe and secure. For me aloneness and silence are something good that I enjoy. When I go out running my favourite time is 5am in the dark dressed in black with no headphones. The world is silent, no one is around and in black I am pretty invisible. Aloneness feels great.

How do you feel about being alone?
Do you like your own company or if you are alone do you seek out the company of others? Being alone and being lonely are different. You can be lonely within a group of people.

Human beings are social animals. We are designed to live in mutually supportive groups as families, tribes, villages, societies and so on. Yet when we become too busy, or fill our time with too much stuff it is easy to forget who we are and to stop attending to our own needs.

Life is the thing that passes us by while we are busy filling our time with stuff

I see people who, at a certain point in life experience fundamental changes. The kids have grown up and left to live their own lives, sometimes they have moved to other places or countries. As the last child leaves home the house becomes quieter. Then along comes retirement and unless we have a strong social network the world becomes quieter again. When our partner passes then we have a sense of silent aloneness, often for the first time in our lives. Many people have spoken to me about their feelings of aloneness as this time in their lives.

Of course, when we lived in extended families this didn’t happen as there were many generations living together from great grandparents to great grandchildren and aloneness didn’t really happen. These days we confine older people to a retirement or residential home where they are thrown in with a bunch of strangers they may or may not be to their liking, this can be a very lonely place to be.

There is nowhere as lonely as a crowd
For most people aloneness has to be faced at some point in life. Those people who have practiced mindfulness and have become accustomed to the silence of their inner mind find it the least threatening or even enjoyable. Perhaps now might be a good time to get practising some mindfulness.

I am reminded of a primary school teacher who had an unruly class and needed to create someway of quieting the children when they were getting out of hand. We developed the exercise of being a tree. When she blew a whistle they all had to stop and stand with their eyes closed, legs planted in the ground and relax from the top of their heads to the tips of their toes and then spend a minute being a tree before she blew the whistle gain. One of the children asked a strange question, “What is that sound that I can here when we become trees?” It took a bit of working out but in the end we got there. The sound that she was hearing was silence it was just that she had never heard it before. She lived in one of those houses where she awoke to noise and went to sleep to noise. Silence was a new sound to her, a new experience.

If you have never experienced being alone or being in silence try it. You might enjoy it.

Take care

Sean X

How to Combat Social Anxiety

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The neuropsychology of anxiety – Worry or Fear?

There is, I feel, some confusion about anxiety and its sibling panic attacks. I’d like to try in this blog and explain a bit about how the brain works, emotion and the appropriateness of different forms of therapy.

At a scientific level our understanding of neuropsychology and therefore our understanding of the neuropsychology of anxiety has come on leaps and bounds. However at a therapeutic level sometimes we are lagging behind leading to inappropriate therapies and failed clients.

I experience this confusion about ‘what is anxiety’, is also shared by therapist who fail to see the difference between our emotional self and our cognitive self. Leading to inappropriate therapy. Cognitive therapy is great and highly effective for people suffering cognitive problems but fails totally when used for emotional issues. I will explain.

Our human brain is different to all other mammals and primates in that we have developed the higher cortex that gives rise to cognitive function, including speech, language, reasoning and self awareness. This we may term the “New Brain” and is the result of millions of years of evolution, if there is truly a difference between humans and other hominids this it. The “Old Brain” shared with many other species (that is also the result of millions of years of evolution), is dominated by the amygdala and the brain stem. The difference between these two parts of the brain is simply the difference between worry and fear.

Fear Based Anxiety is emotional
Fear is an instinctual response, often a reflex, in the amygdala of the old brain that may lead to the physical, often violent or, fight and flight, flee responses that are activated in the brain stem. This tends to be highly emotional, often below awareness and may be triggered by sounds, smells, colours and so on. When people have an old brain anxiety attack it is a fear reaction and they will appear temporarily out of control. Once they have calmed down and the cognitive new brain is back on line they may be filled with remorse, shocked and horrified by their instinctual behaviour.

The amygdala is a dual almond shaped organ, one in either hemisphere of the brain though usually termed in the singular. The difference between the two amygdala’s, has not yet been studied in the west, is in Ayurvedic neuropsychology recognised as a part of our intuitive function, that sense of knowing without knowing why we know. As such its function is both above and below our awareness. When it is functioning above our awareness we call it intuition. When it functions below our awareness we see it as the primal response of instinct. This is where we process fear, yet we may never understand why we are afraid.

Worry Based Anxiety is cognitive
The anxiety experienced in the new cognitive brain is completely different to primal amygdala responses in that it is experienced as a reasoned response based in logic. The reasoning and the logic may, in reality be faulty, but is experienced by the person as factual. People will say “it is a known fact that…” when it is nothing of the sort. Worry based anxiety comes from the person not living in the present moment. They have projected themselves forward into ideas and experiences that may never happen but they are living them in the present as though they have. The tools of worry based anxiety are obsessing, which may lead to obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD, rumination, dog with a bone syndrome where we cannot let it go and go over and over the same issue.

In Ayurveda
Worry anxiety in the cognitive cortex is seen as part of the process of the imagination. People with a poor imagination do not get worry anxiety because they have difficulty imagining negative futures to become anxious about. Cognitive anxiety is dealt with by Tantric therapy, which is not all about sex it is about dealing with and controlling the imagination. Worry in the amygdala is dealt with in the Raja therapy.

Tantric therapy is based in using visualisation to create future images that are positive and do not have the worry attached to them. Raja based therapy is mindful relaxation and meditative practice that reduces the levels of stress hormone in the body system reducing the instinctual feelings of fear.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Over the years I, and many other therapist, have a stream of people presenting with emotional anxiety who will state how they have had CBT for their anxiety and how it worked really well. My comment is what worked well and what’s changed now?

My theory is someone presents for therapy with amygdala based emotional anxiety. Because therapy is awash with CBT practitioners the patient will almost certainly see a CBT therapist who uses their learned tools for dealing with cognitive anxiety. What happens is that the therapist uses a set of cognitive exercises that suppress the patients fear based emotions. It is as though they force in a cork to trap the emotions in a bottle just like champagne. Because the emotions have not been processed or resolved then over time the emotions gradually push the cork out of the bottle and the patient ends up just where they began with emotional anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong I am not against CBT, just the way that it is misused. The bottom line is cognitive therapy for cortex based worry anxiety and emotional therapy for amygdala based fear anxiety. The trick is that you need to know the difference.

If your anxiety if based in logical reasoning seek out a cognitive therapist they will be great for you.

If your anxiety is fear based find a therapist skilled in emotional work they maybe psychodynamic, cognitive analytical (CAT), Mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR), Mindfulness based therapies and you will get what you need.

Most importantly none of us need to suffer anxiety, if you do then please do something about it.

Take care and be happy

Sean X

Free Will vs Determinism

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Are the things that happen to you your choice or are they already determined? Do you have a future you can create or a destiny that you cannot? Is your life and the things that will and have happened to you a written script that has already been written or do you have free will? Is the day and time of your birth and the day and time of your death already set?

This week on the podcast Steph asked Ed and I to discuss this, a very interesting topic.

If we have no free will then there is little point, as far as I can see it, doing anything as the things that happen in life are set so we have little choice other than to make the best of whatever life deals us. On the other hand if freewill does exist then we are the masters of our universe and we can create and do the things that we want.

No freewill = a life where we have problems to endure. Freewill = a life where we have challenges to resolve and overcome.

At Live In The Present we run courses and therapy for people that wish to change some aspect of their life. For some this is easier than for others. For many they can find it the hardest thing in the world. We work from the basis that we all have freewill and that life is not deterministic, but is it?

The way that I see it is that we all have freewill but our free will is limited. This is the same as the nature versus nurture debate. Our genes may limit us and therefore our freewill. If I only have one leg yet desire to run a mile or, I might be short and desire to be tall, I may have curly hair but I want it to be straight. We are all limited or challenged by our genes.

With free will someone with one leg, a “unidexter”, can run or hop a mile, it may just take them longer than someone with two legs, a “biped” but not necessarily. A short person could have their bones lengthened, a painful though successful process. And someone with curly hair can use shampoos and straighteners to get their hair how they want it to look.

People overcome blindness, dyslexia, and cognitive impairment and so on to achieve university degrees and write books. Think about Stephen Hawkins and all that he has achieved despite his disability.

So our ability to act freely may be limited by our genes, circumstances or accidents. It could also be limited by family expectations, education, socialisation, culture, religion, and ethnicity. However we do have the freedom, the freewill, to overcome such limitations.

Concepts precede percepts
However, the biggest limiter of freewill is having, or not having, the concept of freewill in the first place. If as a child I am taught that that I do not have freewill and I believe it then, I will be limited by whatever system I believe to be true. If on the other hand my learning is that I do have freewill, that I am self-determining and that I can achieve whatever it is that I put my mind to the only limit would be the extent of my imagination.

When looking at freewill we must also be aware of religious belief. Concepts of heaven and hell, reward and punishment that will and do shape behaviour. If our belief is that to act violently to the non-believers of our faith will get me a better deal in paradise, valhalla or heaven then warlike behaviour becomes more understandable.

I would say that for all of us to be able to enact freewill what we need is will power, but what is will power?

Well, ‘Power’, as an engineer would define it, is ‘the ability to do work’. Engines and motors are all rated by their ability to complete the task required, they have a power rating, normally described at it’s horse power. Power, when associated to us is our ability to complete the task before us, to do what we need to do. For some the task will be a problem and for others a challenge. Willpower is our ability to enact our freewill, it is freewill power.

When we enact freewill power the tasks that we set ourself can be seen as challenges to be faced and overcome. Challenges can then be related to plans and strategies that take us to the solution or goal.

When we feel that life is deterministic and predetermined it is easy to see the tasks that we have not as challenges but as a problems. It can so easily all become so much more difficult to deal with. At this point people commonly become stuck, demotivated, lose direction and, often give up. This is where the need for freewill power comes in.

A quick Google of ‘Will’ results in…

1. the faculty by which a person decides on and initiates action.”she has an iron will”
2. synonyms: determination, firmness of purpose, fixity of purpose, will power, strength of character, resolution, resolve, resoluteness, purposefulness, single-mindedness, drive, commitment, dedication, doggedness, tenacity, tenaciousness, staying power, backbone, spine.

I see ‘Will’ as persistence and consistence action towards a defined goal.

The goal might be physical, social, intellectual, emotional, financial, business etc,etc, absolutely anything, there are no limits. Here are some tips that might help you get your head around freewill power,

1: Set a goal
To achieve anything you need to be clear about what it is that you want or where you are going. The lack of clarity at the outset will often lead to failure. The clearer the goal the easier the result. If your answer to the question “what do you want?” is “I want to be happy” this will not work for you, it is too vague. To be clear you have to know what it looks like, feels like, smells like, what colour it is, what shape it is.
Tip: Write your goal as a sentence or descriptive paragraph. If you can explain it clearly to another person then you will know what it is.

2: Resources
What do you need? Resources may include ideas and images, plans and organisation, money and other practical resources, market testing to make sure that it works, and the physical manifestation of the idea in the physical world. It is important to realise that other people are also resources.
Tip: Write it all down and share it with someone else. Perhaps a mentor and get their feedback.

3: Plan
A plan is like creating a route that describes the journey you will take to your destination. But plans are never set in stone. A good plan is flexible and can adapt to changes and unforeseen challenges.
Tip: To move a project from idea to goal requires a plan. By using mind maps , spider diagrams are a good way of setting out your ideas on a flat piece of paper that can then be moved into a plan with a timeline.

4: Mentorship
There is no need to reinvent the wheel. On the basis that you can do things the easy way or the hard way, learning from other people’s mistakes can make it much easier. If you talk to other people, use a mentor or a coach you can save your self so much time, avoid making mistakes and allow someone else to feed and energise your freewill.
Tip: You will be amazed at the people who will be prepared to help you. All you have to do is ask. Many people will help you for free some, such as coaches, will charge a fee. You may have someone in mind already, you may need to talk to people and ask around you maybe even family members.

5: Stay focussed
The ability to remain on task will normally mean the ability to live in the present. That requires that you let go of the past and stop worrying about the future. In short, this is the contents of the Live in the Present book. On a daily basis we recommend that you use Mindfulness to enhance your ability to stay focused, this means some ‘zoning’ time every day. The ‘Mindfulness Toolkit’ from the LITP site will be of use to you especially the ‘morning focus’ and the ‘evening review’.
Tip: Take time out every day to clear and focus your mind. We also recommend Headspace, Meditationoasis and One moment meditation.

6: Stay Motivated
Everyone on every project will find times when their energy has gone or is very low so that it is really hard to get going or keep going. So, build this into your time line and your plan so that you have extra time to take it easy when you need to. Look after yourself, take time out and make sure you have some fun. ‘Down time’, (R&R) rest and recuperation, is a good time to review and audit where you are up to and to decide if things need to be changed or adapted.
Tip: Expect to need some ‘down time’, allow for the fact that you will need to take breaks and have fun.

7: Get Networking
Every week groups of people meet to network. These are often business groups but there are other interest groups like writers groups or self help groups. These are really useful to keep you motivated, focused and on track.
Tip: Google your area and find groups of people that you can network with.

8: Get The Freewill Power Habit
Freewill power, like every other behaviour that we have, is a habit. A habit is something that we do without thinking about it, we just do it. If your habit is to keep going, despite the challenges then that it is simply what you do.
Tip: We know that to develop a habit takes an initial 30 days of consistent and persistent activity. This creates new brain cells, that is the neural circuit, that is the new habit. However, to get this habit into longterm memory so that it is there forever takes a further 60 days. To create the will power habit takes 90 days of persistent, consistent behaviour.

Once we get rid of the limits of deterministic thinking we become open to using freewill power. We may think that freewill power is a magical ability that only a few have. The reality is that we all have freewill power once we decide to tap into it. Anyone can contact their freewill power as an everyday habit by working persistently and consistently towards a given goal.

Take care and be free to become all that you desire

Sean x

How assertive are you?

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A listener messaged to ask about being self assertive. For me the issues of self assertion and confidence run together. Confident people find it easier to assert themselves and people who are self assertive will tend to be more confident. A bit of a chicken and egg situation. I guess our starting point is what is self assertion?

In Britain we tend to confuse assertiveness with arrogance yet they are very different. The Cambridge English dictionary defines arrogance as ‘unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are more important than, or know more than other people’.

It defines assertiveness as ‘someone who behaves confidently and is not frightened to say what they want or believe.’ I would add onto to those two definitions that I often see those who are arrogant as lacking empathy with a tendency to railroad their demands whereas assertive people have empathy and are able to communicate their needs and desires while taking other people’s views, and needs, into account.

So for me it is assertion = good and arrogance = bad.

Arrogant behaviour can also include aggression to enforce it’s demands. Assertive people have the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive.

In social history we have examples of people who have been able to be assertive, on the global stage, in the face of arrogant and aggressive behaviour. For them this is peace versus violence. In recent history Nelson Mandela opted for an assertive approach in facing racial apartheid in South Africa and he adopted an assertive, but cooperative, approach with the truth and reconciliation committee once his goals had been achieved. Martin Luther King used peaceful self assertion in the face of segregation and discrimination in the USA and although the forces of arrogance and violence did eventually kill him his goal was reached. Though the struggle for freedom and the equality of all peoples continues. Mahatma Gandhi, leader of India, used peaceful assertiveness to end British colonial rule in the Indian subcontinent. Sadly he was unable to overcome all of the aggressive arrogance of his fellow Indians that led to the splitting of the subcontinent into what we now know as Pakistan, India and Bangladesh.

There are also many examples in social history of those who used aggressive arrogance to get their own way. The big hitters are the Roman Empire, Attila the Hun, the various European empires, and now the modern larger more powerful countries, the USA, Russia and now potentially China, there continue to be the ravages of various religious groups not least of all Christianity and the individual personalities from Hitler, through the various despots in African and European countries right through to our own Tony Blair and Americas George Bush.

One good thing that history shows us is these negative behaviours do not last forever and good, or so it would appear, wins through in the end.
If you review your life you will be able to remember people who were assertive and those that were aggressive. The strange thing is that in most cases both approaches can have the same effect as the person does get what they want. However, aggressive arrogance is ultimately destructive while peaceful assertion is constructive. Individually we have a choice.

Assertiveness like both behaviours is a skill or habit that is first learned then practiced. If you want to be assertive here are some ideas that may help you.

1: Know what you want
It can be hard to assert an opinion or idea if you are unclear of what you are thinking, meeting or needing. In any interaction in which you need to assert your desires or point of view be very clear about what you want, what is the end game for you?

2: Broken record
When you are clear about your required outcome but the other person will not listen or talks over you try using the broken record technique. This is to simply repeat your point of view, same words in the same way every time you are opposed or expected to do something that you do not want to do. This works particularly well when someone will not take no for and answer. It is version of ‘which part of no do you not understand’ but less controversial, as repeating the same words does not directly challenge the other person.

3: Fogging or Hazing
This is when you avoid direct confrontation by creating fog. If you agree with the antagonist but then state your point of view. In your agreement you validate the person and what they are saying this can defuse them enough for you to state your own point of view…

“ I get what you mean, however….”
“ That is a really good point, perhaps we could also…”
“ An amazing idea but…”
” Yeah, I thought of doing it that way but then I realised…”
” I agree with you that, this and that. However we need to treat this that and the other in a different way …”

4: Owning
‘I’ statements can be used to voice one’s feelings and wishes from a personal position without expressing a judgment about the other person. When I own the statement, feeling or argument I am not blaming the other person for my feelings. Using owning techniques can encourage the person to be more open to supporting us.

” It may just be me but I get the feeling that…”
” I have real problems with that…”
” When you say that it makes me feel… Is that what you wanted?”
” Please can you help with this one, I don’t get why you are saying/thinking/ feeling/doing…?”

The rightness of being able to assert your point of view if beyond doubt. The problems come from your belief that it is true. You are worth the skin that you stand up in and you do have an indisputable right to your point of view. Learning to be assertive is just another habit that, if you practice, you will become good at.

A word of warning. If the antagonist is in a real position of authority it may be that no matter what you do to assert yourself you will not be heard and you may need to, or be required to, move on. This is not a failure, its facing the reality of who you are and who or what your are involved in.

The second thing is being aware of psychopathy. It is said that when you confront a bully they will back down. Well, this is true unless they are a psychopath. A psychopath is someone who lacks empathic insight and therefore lacks emotional awareness, empathy, conscience or care. In dealing with a psychopath the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut and move, as quickly as possible away from them.

Take care and assert your right to be you.

Sean X

You are what you eat… …or so the say.

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Carnivores, pescatarians, vegetarians, fruitarians, vegans, all have good reasons for following their own dietary paths. For some food is just fuel while for others it is a culinary delight. Some fear food and the effects that it will have on their bodies and they become anorexic. While others become bulimic and throw up all that they eat. Thousands and thousands of people follow diets and detox plans and there are those who do or don’t eat certain foods for religious reasons. Food is certainly an emotive issue that effects us all everyday even if we only see food as fuel and a chore that must be done.

What do you eat and why?

This week on the podcast Ed and I were joined by Marissa, who is the director of the Vegan Lifestyle Association – Tea Lover -and Public Health, Nutrition and Psychology researcher. We were discussing food, what we eat and why we eat it. We each came from differing eating habits Ed as a carnivore, me as a veggie with some leanings towards pescatarianism and Marissa as a vegan.

Why not eat meat?
My own feelings about not eating meat are not to do with health but with the ethical issue of killing animals to eat. I had a farm for a while and faced the issue of meat eating head on. I think if we all had to kill our own meat then many of us would become vegetarian. When you have raised an animal and know it well, they become more than animals they are people, personalities and understandably they do not want to die, they will fight you for their life.

There is another issue beyond the health and ethical issues of a meat eating diet is that of sustainability and our ability as humans to continue living on planet Earth. It takes so much more land to produce meat than plant protein that in end they we will eventually run out of space. This may also be true even if we all went veggie tomorrow.

David Pimentel and Marcia Pimentel -From the Department of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY.
Sustainability of meat-based and plant-based diets and the environment

Abstract
Worldwide, an estimated 2 billion people live primarily on a meat-based diet, while an estimated 4 billion live primarily on a plant-based diet. The US food production system uses about 50% of the total US land area, 80% of the fresh water, and 17% of the fossil energy used in the country. The heavy dependence on fossil energy suggests that the US food system, whether meat-based or plant-based, is not sustainable. The use of land and energy resources devoted to an average meat-based diet compared with a lactoovovegetarian (plant-based) [including eggs and milk] diet is analysed in this report. In both diets, the daily quantity of calories consumed are kept constant at about 3533 kcal per person. The meat-based food system requires more energy, land, and water resources than the lactoovovegetarian diet. In this limited sense, the lactoovovegetarian diet is more sustainable than the average American meat-based diet.

Diary and growth hormones
It is hard to find anything good to say about dairy products. Basically, dairy is designed to raise a calf to become an adult cow or bull. This means that it is full of growth hormone, a fatal disaster for tumours and really not helpful for Prostate glands.

Ethics Vs Health
If you choose to eat for health you have to decide where what you are eating comes from and whether the issues of chemicals and treatment are acceptable to your health regime. If your eating regime is ethical you will need to research theocracies of what you are eating. If food for you is simply fuel then enjoy it.

The future of food
It seems that if we maintain or increase the worlds population there will come a time when we will not be able to feed ourselves using standard farming techniques. To survive we will need to get into factory farming in a big way. This may raise both ethical and health issues.

However you eat, do it mindfully and be happy

Take care

Sean X

Thoughts on competition – is it healthy?

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We are told by science that life is based on the survival of the fittest. The assumption seems to be that the strongest will survive while the weak go to the wall, that the strong will dominate the weak and therefore spread their genes. This leads us to believe that life is a competition and that those who dominate will win. Perhaps there are other ways of looking at it.

I am not a religious person, for me religion and sectarianism is responsible for much of the world’s suffering, though I would own up to being spiritual. For me God is made in man’s image yet spirituality, or the original energy of creation is always there. It would seem that the unlimited expression of logic and the bloody obvious is that we all come from a common source, common route. Though some like to call this energy ‘God’ in quantum physics they call this ‘source energy’. Pick whatever word or concepts serves you best, the point is that if we all come from the same source and are therefore all the same thing. So, what exactly are we competing against?

I get it that human consciousness is, as yet, pretty un-evolved and that in the fullness of time we might learn to look after each other and be supportive rather than killing, fighting, warring and allowing others to go hungry or lack water to drink. But not just yet! Is it a human competition that some of us survive and some of us do not?

The world of sport is also the world of competition. To have a winner you have to have a loser. If nine people run a race there will be one winner, who we assume is happy, and eight losers who probably are not. Doesn’t seem like good odds to me.

Does it have to be competition?
The idea that evolution has to be driven by competition could be turned on its head. What about if evolution was driven by co-operation.

When you look at the relationship between an insect and flower it seems that they have evolved symbiotically to meet each other’s needs. Just look at our own bodies. According to the BBC…

…humans are teeming with bugs, including tiny spiders,
lice and microbial colonies. Far from being a hazard,
however, they are the making of you.

Bugs are all over us and inside of us.

Every square centimetre of your face houses one or two tiny spiders.

From your head to your toes, your body is a veritable jungle of flora and fauna. Some are visitors, some are permanent residents, but all are enough to make the average person queasy. Whether we like or not, our bodies are perfect environments for the creepy and crawly. For hundreds of thousands of years, these animals have called our bodies home—or at least “food.” This list isn’t comprehensive, but it will give you a taste of the pests that are having a taste of you.

The relationship between us and these bugs, creates both illness and health. For example your gut flora. Experts are discovering the powerful role these tiny bugs might be playing in our lives. The 1,000-or-so species of microbes that live in our guts control digestion…

…so that when we rip out our gut flora with antibiotics we are encouraged to take probiotics to put them back. We and the bugs that live within us have evolved together to our mutual advantage.

Disease
Just as there are bugs that live on us and with us in a symbiotic relationship there are also bugs that harm us, those that do not serve us well. These bugs are not involved with co-operation but competition. They challenge us for our health and perhaps even for our lives. This is not co-operation.

Bigger than bugs
Human beings have lived with, and evolved with, rats, mice, pigs and dogs. We all have grown together. Rats helped clear up our mess, good effect, but they also carried the fleas that led to the Black Death, bad effect. We kill rats because we see them as in competition with us rather than seeing our relationship as a co-operation.

Having discussed this issue with a good friend, I have come to the conclusion that competition and co-operation exist in balance and both compliment each other. We discussed how the competition of war creates co-operative collaboration that leads to breakthroughs in technology that maybe both medicine or weaponry. Many such breakthroughs were brought about by the Cold War.

Competition will always be with us, we can’t avoid it. But, we can choose to develop greater levels of co-operation. Perhaps we can create less war, more caring and more sharing. If I see my fellow human beings as people that I might like to look after rather than beat then the word might just be a happier, safer place to live in.

Take care

Sean X

Is Sex Overrated?

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A listener emailed in and asked Ed and I to talk about sex and whether or not it was an overrated pastime. A very interesting question.

We live in a sexualised society
In a world that is dominated by sexual imagery in all ares of life from art to advertising it would be easy to assume that sexuality was at the forefront of all our minds. The news seems to be full of celebrities and others influential people who have performed sexual misdemeanours. To make sense of this I think we need to separate the emotional concepts of sex and love and dig a little deeper into how our sexual behaviour developed in our evolutionary past.

The sex contract
The study of evolutionary psychology suggests that sexual behaviour and practise developed specifically and if the theory is to believed was driven by women.

The difference between the human female and all other female primates is that human women are always on heat or in season, they are always sexually available even at times of the month when they are not fertile. Mammals come into season and are the sexually available.

The sex contract is this: A woman gave her self sexually and exclusively to one man in return for protection and food. She would be in the cave looking after the kids and the in-laws while he was out chasing the mammoth for dinner. In this are the seeds of the multi-tasking female and the mono-tasking male, they developed different brains.

For the man to be successful in his role the man would need to have fairly high levels of aggression that might include anger an violence. Now, something magical developed. When a woman has sex and orgasms she is energised and able to get up and get on with things. When a man ejaculates he releases hormones that make him sleepy and more docile. It is assumed that the woman controlled the man’s aggression by giving him a good sexual ‘seeing to’ and reducing his aggression.

The development of pleasure
The pleasure incentive that is created in either sexual activity or the visualisation of sexual activity is dopamine, which is known as the love drug. If you recall in other podcasts you will remember that dopamine is the endorphin associated with all forms of addiction. In this sense sex is addictive and that means ‘habit’. The man coming back from the hunt learns to expect sex as a reward for his efforts and build it into his system. Mother nature uses both the glans in male anatomy and the clitoris in female anatomy to create and enhance the pleasure in the sexual act of reproduction.

Sexual attraction
We now know that a large part of sexual attraction is pheromonal, that is to like the smell of each other. This can become confused when we meet someone in a club who is covered in perfumes and deodorants designed to make them smell attractive.

The following morning when the false perfumes have faded and the real body smell/odour appears they may lose all their former attractiveness. Research shows us that we are most attracted to people whose genome and therefore their smell is least like our own.

The closer their genotype the less attractive they appear to us. It is assumed that this is natures way of not messing with the gene pool and creating genetic abnormalities that happen in incestual relationships and is the basis of the taboo that you do not have sex with your relatives.

Sex and love
When we first meet someone we experience the frantic sex drive that is powered by dopamine. This first phase is the creation of the bond between a couple that leads to the exclusivity of “we are partners”. If the relationship is insecure so that the participants are not sure whether it is on or off then the levels of dopamine will remain high. This usually means that the need for continued sex remains high. As relationships become established and secure we developed relaxed sex that is powered by the endorphin oxytocin. This is the bonding chemical. Couples that are secure and well bonded have high levels of oxytocin in their systems.

Dopamine sex tends to be highly erotic and orgasmic and bouncing of the walls. Oxytocin sex is more prolonged and sensual involving higher levels of foreplay and after play, cuddle and kissing. Oxytocin couples touch more, hold hands and hug.

So, is sex overrated?

I reckon people have sex for different reasons. The old sex contract is no longer relevant women do not, in urbanised societies need the protection of rough tough men as they once did. So, I think that sex can have lots of functions…

  • Physical, stress releasing and orgasmic/erotic
  • Sensual warm and soft, re-affirming belonging and support
  • Experimental, fun and variety
  • Passionate loud and demanding
  • Dutiful, sensible
  • Deeply intuitive
  • Inspirational, creative and Tantric

I guess that to be celibate is to also have a sexual identity and to engage in ‘sex for one’ as a lone activity is also sexual activity.

Sex, like most things is in the eye of the beholder and only truly becomes over-rated when we over rate it. Up to that point it is purposeful and meaningful and great fun.

If you are sexually active, then, enjoy your sexuality.

Take care,
Sean x

Valentines Day – Did you feel the love?

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Well last weekend was Valentines Day (14th), the day of love, how was it for you? In our last episode Ed and I were talking about mood boosts and love, feeing loved, being loved and sharing love are right at the top of positive mood, self esteem, raised energy and wellbeing. The magic is in ‘feeling’ loved. Someone may love you desperately but unless they love you in a way that works for you then you simply will not feel it.

In eastern approaches to personality, psychology and the person the various and individual drives of both giving and receiving are seen to describe personality types that I described in the last blog as chakra types. When we share love or use the word love we all mean different things. What do we actually mean when you say love? To use the word ‘love’ in say, “I love you” or “I’d love a cream bun” have very different meanings.

How do you know that you are loved?
What do you want your partner, or lover to mean when they say “I love you”?
Is love for you a simple one stranded thing or is it multi-faceted?
How many strands does it have?
What are they?

It is so strange that someone can love you truly, madly, deeply but unless it is expressed in just the right way so that you are able to receive it then you will simply not feel it, you will not feel loved.

I sit down with many couples in relationship therapy and commonly at some point in their past they both shared their love for each other. The problem that only came to light later was that they did not understand what each other meant when they used the word love. They both felt that their partner meant the same as they did. Later they discovered that they were wrong.

Love, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

It is not being loved that is important
It is feeling loved that counts

Example: A common problem
Woman: “I feel unloved and hurt when you fail to put a X on the end of a text”
Man: “That just feels like you a trying to control my emotions. I only put an ‘X’ there when I am really feeling it. It is meaningless if I always put it there because in the end it just means nothing.”
Therapist: “How about if it is important to your partner to see an ‘X’ and if you do love her and care about her would the act of simply adding an ‘X’ be something that you know would make her feel happy and good. Is it therefore not worth doing?”

Sometimes showing your partner that they are loved isn’t geocentrically based around your need to be honest it is about ensuring that the person that you love feels it. To go out of your way, to put yourself out, to get something or do something that you know will make your partner happy is an expression of love.

If your response to the above is something like, “Well, my needs are as important as theirs and if I need not to put a ‘X’ at the end of a text and they love me then they will respect that”, then you are either emotionally immature or need to be in another relationship.

Once you get into relationships it often happens that love becomes a demand and not an act of giving. Success in relationships come from both people giving it is then that both people will receive. If both people expect love without giving then neither of their needs will be met.

Who is right?
If it becomes a battle it ceases to be love and becomes acts of possession. Think about your relationship and how you both share your love.

Do you need to be told that you are loved?
Do you tell your partner?
Do you feel that by saying it too often that you will wear it out and that it becomes meaningless?
Do you feel that by saying it you are re-affirming your connection and positive feeling?
Do you do things that may seem silly or meaningless to you, because you know that it will make your partner happy?
Do you feel that you should only act in love when you feel the love?

In relationships we sometimes need to fake it to make it. Maybe your partner has really cheesed you off for some reason but still arrange their birthday party and rise above the difficulties. If your partner loves you in the same way they will do the same for you. It is to do with whether or not your love is conditional and demanding or unconditional and giving. In a world where there really is no right or wrong, where there is only a consequence to your action, you need to take responsibility for who you are, for what you do and how you show your love.

I guess I should add that to pour your love, time and energy into someone who does not love you back is like standing in an ice cold shower tearing up twenty pound notes. Not to be recommended.

Suggestion:
How about you ask your partner “How do you know that I love you?” Or you could get more direct and ask them if there are things that they would like you to do so that they would feel more loved.
There are two sides of this coin. You might also share with them that when they do certain things they make you feel loved, unless you tell them already.

Think about this for a while. How do you express your love? Not just for your partner but to the other people close to you. Do your parents, brothers, sisters children, friends, community, country, humanity feel your love?

Love is the magic glue that holds the whole world together. It may be expressed as the law of attraction, as gravity, in the relationship between particles and atoms, it might be in the caring for the sick and needy or it might simply be in a bunch of flowers.

However you share you love, I hope that Valentines Day confirmed the love that others have for you. And if it didn’t there are plenty more days in the year, love isn’t just for Valentines Day.

Take care

Sean X