TSHP505: Bring on the Light

What’s Coming This Episode?

For a lot of people around the world this year Christmas Day might just be another day in a difficult year. In a work of wars, financial crisis and global warming there are a lot of people worrying. What will it be like for you this year?

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Christmas is here – Bring on the light

For a lot of people around the world this year Christmas Day might just be another day in a difficult year. In a work of wars, financial crisis and global warming there are a lot of people worrying. What will it be like for you this year? 

It can be easy to get lost in the consumerism that surrounds us and just get into hedonistic pleasure. After all we have been through some tough time over the last couple . Covid is still with us both as an illness and also as a psychological trauma that for many is having a PTSD type effect. It is easy to forget that the origins of Christmas were in a religious commemoration. It is a time of the coming together of family and friends, a joyful time for children and young people, a time for giving and receiving, time to let your hair down and have a jolly? Office parties, champagne and chestnuts roasting on an open fire?

However for some it may not be such a good time. Perhaps we have the awareness that there are those who are no longer with us. This is our first year in our family without Auntie Vera a sad loss for us all. Christmas for many can be a time of loss and bereavement. It may even mean that for some of us many have died and there is really no one left but us. It may be that we have no choice but to spend Christmas day alone. Christmas, for some, can be an unhappy time. 

For Christians Christmas is the festival that commemorates the birth of Christ, hence the mass for Christ. However, the previous belief systems had festivals that were celebrated at this time of year and existed long before the birth of Jesus. The festivals at this time of year were acknowledging the end of the longest night and the start of the lengthening day. It is the concept, often referred to in both religious, and psychological texts, as time when we are coming out of the darkness into the light. 

These celebrations of the darkness of winter turning toward the light of spring was the solstice for the Druids and Yule for the pagans. Though the timings are slightly different the same concept is there for Hindus in Diwali, the festival of light, and in Islam there is Ramadan and Eid. 

Christianity had tended to piggy back on the Solstice festivals to create the celebration of Christmas. Most authorities suggest that the birth of Jesus was actually later than December 25th.

But, whatever you are celebrating at this time of year, it may be a religious or pagan or simply the celebration of the coming together of your family and friends, not unlike the gypsy horse fair, it is a time for the connection of people and the acknowledgement of society, community and, humanity.

Getting into the spirit of good will

At this time of year in the run up to Christmas people tell me how they will be required to spend the day, perhaps sitting around the dinner table, with people that they don’t like. This is where the good will comes in. It may tax all your powers of forgiveness and your ability to live the law of allowing. That is, allowing people to be what they are and not needing them to be different or what you want them to be.

My hope is that if enough of us can learn to look after each other, not just at Christmas but all year, we might just learn to live in happiness and peace.

If we all look after each other we will all be okay

If you haven’t already done go onto YouTube and listen to “Dominique the Donkey”. It might make you laugh it does me. Or it might get get stuck rattling around your head like a pea in a tin. When you are with someone who is driving you round the bend just sing it to yourself in your head and smile.

If you can, have a good one. And if you can be generous and spread a little love.

Take care

Sean x

TSHP504: The Blame Game & Good Will

What’s Coming This Episode?

It has never been a better time to talk seriously about the blame game and good will. As we approach the festive season and, in theory at least, a time of goodwill it seems that we are living in a divided world where everyone is finding reasons to blame other people for something.

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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The Blame Game and Good will

It has never been a better time to talk seriously about the blame game and good will. As we approach the festive season and, in theory at least, a time of goodwill it seems that we are living in a divided world where everyone is finding reasons to blame other people for something. Globally we have all the issues of wars with Russia and the Ukraine and Israel and Palestine. In world where people seem to need to be looking for who it is that we can blame the only choice that we have is who will blame and for what will we blame then for?

The same thing happens in families. The easy targets are the ones you go for because they are easy to pick on. You can always find someone in the world, or in the family, that is behaving in ways you can disapprove of. The question for me, as a therapist is why do you need to have people to pick on? Often this is because we have unresolved inner issues that are easier to externalise onto other people rather than feel with the issue inside ourselves.

When you are the object of blame, when a person or section of society or family have singled you out for blame it does not matter what you do it will be picked on. If you say anything it will be interpreted as a problem and if you choose to say nothing you will be blamed for holding back.

These attitude make it so difficult to resolve problems. For the opposing side in a war to sit down and resolve a way forward is very difficult and often only possible with truly neutral mediation. The same is true between sections of a family and often in relationship issues/therapy where one or both sides are blaming each other. The biggest issue that I ever deal with is expectation. People see what they need to see and hear what they need to hear despite what is either said or done. Interpretation is everything.

The blame game is played to confirm what we are expecting to happen so that we can prove ourselves to be right. Expectation is very powerful. When we are proved right, or we believe that we are proved right, it makes us feel good and righteous. 

Many years ago in the 1960’s, when smoking dope was the normal, I deliberately rolled a blind joint. There was a group of us, about eight as I recall, I rolled a big spliff using nine cigarette papers. However, there was no dope in it. It was only made of tobacco. I lit it took a toke and passed it on. It went from on person to the next and did several round of the group before it finally went out. Amazingly the group got stoned on a blind joint that had no grass it at all. This little experiment of mine was to discover to what extent people’s expectation would or could effect their experience. It made me realise that unless people are very aware/awake they just experience what they expect and in so ding prove themselves right.

I have done the same thing with wine. Pretending to drink vast amounts of what is actually alcohol free wine leads the censorious and judgemental around us to belief that we are drunk when we are not. I have also repeated the experiment in giving people alcohol free gin and tonic that taste just like the real thing and again people will experience it as though they have actually drunk alcohol.

Anyway, back to the theme of this blog. If any faction sees itself as different from others and preconceived ideas of the thoughts, feels and values of other groups they can start the blame to which there will never a resolution.

Whilst it would appear that blaming other people is normal human behaviour we can actually change this. Through awareness and wake-ness, in what these day is termed mindfulness, we can start to see the world from others people’s points of view and not assume that the way that we see things is the only and the right way, we may be wrong. 

When we are honest with ourselves we can begin to see our own prejudices and in mindfulness begin to question and understand what we are really experiencing. Another person point of view may be wrong but the reasons why they come to the conclusions that they do makes real sense to them and for them they are right. Often we can do little to change another person’s point of view. However, we can change ourselves we do have choice.

Prejudices about race, religion, colour, orientation, and so on are mainly, if not always, driven by ignorance. If we never stop long enough or understand what we are experiencing and checking out what we believe to be the truth we will never, learn, grow are solve the problems of humanity.

So at this time I of goodwill and hope remember…

…If we all look after each other we will al be okay.

I hope that your preparation for the festive season is going well. Look after yourself yourself, look after each other and let’s make it a good one.

Take care 

Sean x

 

TSHP503: Expertise vs Experience

What’s Coming This Episode?

What’s more important? Expertise or experience? Sean and Ed have a chat…

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  • Links to follow

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TSHP502: We Need Forgiveness To Set Us Free

What’s Coming This Episode?

Remembrance Day, 11 November, is a memorial day that has been observed in Commonwealth member states since the end of the First World War in 1919. This has been to honour armed forces members who have died in the line of duty. In theory, at least, we unite across faiths, cultures and backgrounds to remember. The thing that is vastly important in remembering is the art of forgiveness. In forgiveness we let go. Often in simple remembrance we can feed our hatred of those that we perceive as the enemy.

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We Need Forgiveness To Set Us Free

I keep going on about it but…

If we all look after each other we will all be okay

Remembrance Day, 11 November, is a memorial day that has been observed in Commonwealth member states since the end of the First World War in 1919. This has been to honour armed forces members who have died in the line of duty. In theory, at least, we unite across faiths, cultures and backgrounds to remember. The thing that is vastly important in remembering is the art of forgiveness. In forgiveness we let go. Often in simple remembrance we can feed our hatred of those that we perceive as the enemy.  

Forgiveness is so difficult for so many people. The main stumbling block is that in forgiving we become confused with the idea that we are condoning behaviours that we know are wrong. That we are, in some way saying that what people did, however bad, is ok. This is not the case.

To forgive means to forgo your retribution or let go of your hatred. There is a simple reason for this. The only person that hatred will, in the end, ever harm is the hater. When you hate, or have negative thoughts about others, your body creates all the negative chemistry that will ultimately damage your body. It raises your blood pressure, hardens your arteries and leads to strokes, heart attacks, ulcers, back ache, neck ache, head ache and dementia. Then comes the nausea, irritable bowel, eczema, asthma and so on.  The list really is endless. 

In hatred it is as though you have taken the poison expecting it to kill  someone else. Sadly the only person your hatred damages is you.

Even worse that these things is the fact that when we maintain negative attachments to the past they stop us moving forward. The emotions of the negativity that we hold about other people, or events, are like elastic bonds that keep pulling us back and stop us moving forward.

In forgiveness, forgoing or letting go, choose the word that works best for you, you will be able to get into your present. In your present you are then able to create the life that you really want for your self. When you are bound to the past you will never create a future that you desire.

Just a thought. If the science of karma, the law of cause and effect, is right, I suspect that it is, then everyone gets theirs in the end. There are no free lunches all debts need are paid in full. It would seem that it is not my role in life to punish people for what they have done. It is equally true that I do not need to punish myself either. In letting it go I step out of the cycle of karma and move forward unencumbered by the past in to a happy and fulfilling future.

So at this time of remembrance feel the love in remembering those that gave their own life’s so that we may enjoy our freedom. Also forgive those that have done us badly. 

Let go

Be happy

and live in the present

take care

Sean x

TSHP501: What is your addiction?

What’s Coming This Episode?

We use the word ‘addiction’ to indicate an illness which is based on the behaviour of a person who is compulsively or habitually ‘addicted’ to a substance or a set of behaviours. Most behaviours that are described as addictions are seen as negative. We think of drugs or alcohol. We might even consider the workaholic. Whichever way we view it addiction is normally seen negative.

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What is your addiction?

The world health organisation, ‘WHO’, has now classified internet game addiction as a recognised disease. Is it right? So what is an addiction?

We use the word ‘addiction’ to indicate an illness which is based on the behaviour of a person who is compulsively or habitually ‘addicted’ to a substance or a set of behaviours. Most behaviours that are described as addictions are seen as negative. We think of drugs or alcohol. We might even consider the workaholic. Whichever way we view it addiction is normally seen negative.

Perhaps we are all addicts

I would like to suggest another way of looking at it, we are all addicted, we are all addicts, it is just that we are often unaware of what we are addicted to. So my question is…

What is your addiction?

An addiction is simply a chemical state, that is in both our brain and our body.  We become addicted when we have learned to accept this chemistry as our ‘normal’ state of being. The chemistry come from the habits that we have practiced from the moment of our birth. We know that when someone exercises regularly their brain responds by releasing powerful endorphins. We also know that once this chemistry has been established as their normal they can become addicted to this exercise. Once this habit has been established we find that if they are unable to exercise, perhaps because of an injury, they go into withdrawal just like any other drug addict. All the symptoms of drug withdrawal are played out through their brain and body until either they either can restore the exercise and the chemistry or undergo the ‘cold turkey’ of drug withdrawal or in the extreme take prescribed medication/drugs that allow their system to feel balanced.

Any behaviour from meditation to sex, from knitting to hill walking, from laughing to crying, will have a chemical effect on our mind body system. Once these connections are established in our mind brian they become our habit and our chemical normal. The issues of anxiety, anger, depression, love and happiness may also be our addictions.

So what is your addiction?

Your chemical normal is the one that makes you feel just right. It comes from the habits that you have established throughout your life. If something happens to alter your ‘normal’ you will adopt behaviours that will return your chemistry to recreate your normal. My normal involves meditation, cooking, often running, definitely playing music, mainly guitar, certainly working with other people and always my lovely Rie and holidays away. When I am deprived of my addictions I feel withdrawal and need to act to bring my chemistry back to my normal.

Some addictions are good, as in they do not harm us or others. Bad addictions do harm us or other people. We have a choice. Once we mindfully examine our behaviours we can decide which addictions we will feed and which once we will starve and allow to wither.

We may decide that allowing our children to develop the habit of internet gaming is a good or a bad addiction. Current evidence would suggest this is a bad addiction.

One last thing to consider. It is easy to look down on other people that have different addictions to ourselves. If you are not addicted to football the sight of people shouting and screaming at a match or at the TV screen may seem very odd as does their euphoria at a win or their depression at a loss. We might feel the same when observing those that l;I’ve horse racing, have obsessions with the royal family, stamp collecting, cooking or the need to tidy and clean all the time or simply plain obsessive compulsive behaviour (disorder), OCD. These are all addictions. Our habits are addictions. We are all addicts. Though we often see our behaviours as normal and other people’s behaviour as odd and addictive.

Don’t ask your self whether or not you are an addict. Accept that you are, just like the rest of us, an addict. So, what are your addictions? If your addiction serve you and others well that’s fine. If they create problems for you or other people they may need to change. So, check your addictions.

Overall, accept who you are, accept other people without being judgemental and be happy.

Take care

Sean x

TSHP500: Slow Down And Speed Up?

What’s Coming This Episode?

Sean’s been on a speed awareness course! Ed is busy campaigning for slower, safer streets! Has the world gotten too fast? Can we slow down and enjoy life that little bit more?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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