Archive for year: 2023

Since Covid and lockdown more and more people have developed the symptoms of post trauma. This can be difficult and debilitating. However the mechanism that leads to our repression of difficult experiences is our memory. The issue with post traumatic stress disorder is not memory it is recall.

It is important to realise that our systems are designed to learn and we learn by remembering. It is the learning that keeps us safe. Throughout evolution we have kept ourselves safe by remembering what is dangerous and where that danger is. This might be plants that are poisonous, other human beings or animals that are a threat and would damage us.

When we are threatened we activate our fight or flight response. This gives the chemistry to either defend ourselves or to run away. The fear or threat that we experience may be directly to us or we may witness something happening to another person. Either way the effect is the same.

Following an incident we have POST TRAUMA STRESS (PTS). This normally last for about four to six weeks as it is gradually processed by our mind. At some point we will all have itIf the stress persists longer than six weeks we are considered to have a DISORDER or PTSD. This will require medication and/or therapy.

The disorder is described as complex, CPTSD, when the trauma is repeated over and over again. This can be common in army and police personnel and most triple nine workers and in people suffering ongoing abuse.

In PTSD experience that is overwhelming and too difficult to deal with is repressed. This means that in is encoded into memory. Rather like a box of stuff being put in the back of a cupboard and forgotten about. The mechanism that often leads to the repression is dream sleep. Often after an assault someone will sleep for a short period of time. Dream Sleep or rapid eye movement (REM) encodes the images into memory. Often the person will then get up and carry on with their life as though nothing has happened.

Repression can and be of events that are either imagined or real.
PTSD to a REAL situation leads to depression and flashbacks to the remembered event that re-enacts all the original thoughts and feelings.

Imagined Trauma is a FLASH-FORWARD of Fear/Anxiety to something that may never happen. This is a Pre Trauma Stress Disorder. It can happen when we are told that someone close to us is dying or if we are given a potentially life threatening diagnosis such as cancer. We can then use our imagination the Flash – Forward creating a daydream that uses the same REM as in Post Trauma to create a box images and feeling in the back of our mind. This can also be the basis of what is described as ‘False Memory Syndrome’.

In both pre and post trauma the brain and the mind see only the dream images and their associated chemical and emotional responses and can cannot tell which is real. However with therapy we can unpack the boxes and release any negative emotions and memories and eliminate their effects.

Repressions, either pre or post trauma, should not be confused with suppression which is the conscious withholding of feelings. Let’s say there is someone in your workplace that you don’t like and if the situation was different you would tell them exactly what you think of them. However, you suppress those negative feelings and smile and say “Hello, how are you?” This can lead to feeling of frustration, agitation, irritation, anger and so on that are all going on, suppressed, behind your apparent smile.

Repression is the unconscious withholding of feelings. That can lead to serious symptoms of depressions, fear, anxiety and many mental health issues that often require medication, therapy and even hospitalisation. In all cases of Pre Trauma, Post Trauma or suppression the feeling associated with the event or person can be triggered by smells, tastes, colours, sounds, music, television or films, books or stories or another person sharing their issues that resonate with your own.

When we are diagnosed with a post or pre trauma issues we may need…

Therapy including Psychotherapy, Counselling, CBT and other talking therapies
Mindfulness – both life style and Meditation is shown to be very effective
EMDR – EYE MOVEMENT replicates the REM allowing the release of the initial repression
EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique – Tapping also can reactivate the REM
Rewinding – As a relaxation visualisation Hypnotherapy activates REM
The Beach – Deep Relaxation and sleep Therapy activates REM
Medication – Include Antidepressants – Beta-blockers that can work alongside other therapies
AVOID SELF MEDICATION – Drugs, Alcohol, Over working, Isolation

Be happy and if you identify with post trauma or pre trauma suppression or repression talk to some and do something about it.

Take care
Sean x

In this episode we are revisiting an old topic – MONEY. With the current economic crisis and the ongoing effects of Russias war in the Ukraine things ate tight. Interest rates are on the rise and available income is diminishing. The people in the know say that it will get worse before it gets better. Lots of fun.

So, does money make you happy? The answer is ‘no’, unless you are an addict and crave the money in your account, in your pocket or the assets that you have accumulated. Even then it will only be temporary and the joy is short lived as we crave the next hit. 

In this blog we are back to our old friend Dopamine, the love drug. Dopamine is produced in the brain and leads to feelings a joy and excitement. Dopamine is produced in response to a stimulus such as drugs or alcohol or to a feeling such as when we are in love, attachment or expectation, or to an action such as driving fast, jumping out of plane or bungee jumping etc.  In fact Dopamine is reproduced in response to getting or experiencing anything that we label as fun and exciting.  While we can all enjoy the ‘wow!’, feeling of Dopamine and may enjoy it or look forward to it, the stimulus response cycle may not dominate our life. When the craving, or drive towards a Dopamine hit begins to dominate our existence and our behaviour we have an addiction. For some people money is an addiction.

Understanding Money Addiction 

Addiction is probably the most misunderstood aspect of human experience. We tend to see addiction as a bad thing that happens to bad people, or to people who have been led astray by others. If you enjoy the feeling of exercise and look forward to the next class you are describing your addiction or need for stimulus and response that is driven by your need for Dopamine. We are all addicts.

Try changing the word addiction to habit and it might be easier to understand. If each day you pray, meditate, attend church, go for a walk, talk to a particular person, eat a certain thing for breakfast, whatever it is your habit. But if you feel odd or out of salts when you are unable to or do not complete your habit you have an addiction.

When you wake up in the morning if the first thing that you do is to check your phone rather than acknowledge your partner, you have a phone addiction. If you do acknowledge your partner prior to using your phone then you may have a partner addiction that we might label love. If your first action in waking is to go and get a coffee then you have a caffeine addiction. Even if you drink decaf you still have a coffee addiction. Once we can see our habits, repeated activities, often enacted below our awareness, as addictions we can begin to understand the addictive quality of the human psyche.

Addiction disorder

In a previous blog where we were talking about anxiety. The point was that we all have anxiety and that it was and sometime still is a good thing. Anxiety has kept human beings alive throughout evolution. Anxiety disorder is when we have continual production of stress hormones when there is nothing to feel stressed or anxious about. There is also the realisation that we can create the same anxious effect in our system by simply imagining an anxious situation so that our body mind and brain react as though the event is actually taking place in real time right now.

Our entire system works in this way. We may become aroused by imagining a sexual situation it does not actually need to be happening for the aroused response to take place. The same may be true of drugs, going to church, or taking exercise. The anticipation is so powerful that the dopamine begins. However the needs of Dopamine need to be fulfilled. If there is no fulfilment of the anticipated outcome the response will either be a withdrawal response that may include depression or there may be an increased drive towards the anticipated addiction. In drug and alcohol work a common phrase is “the addiction always comes first’, this need to fulfil the Dopamine cycle can be to the detriment of relationships, jobs and emotional stability and even life itself.

Addiction disorder happens when this simple, normal and common effect of mind and imagination for an anticipated fulfilment drives towards ever greater levels of Dopamine. This is very important because in all addiction it is not the stimulus that we are addicted to it is the Dopamine and Dopamine is an unforgiving master who demands higher and higher levels of stimulus to create the desired emotional effect. This is why addictive behaviours always increase. This is the difference between a regular habit and an addiction disorder. An addicted perpetrator of domestic violence will escalate their behaviours over time so that a loud voice becomes a shout, becomes a slap, becomes a punch, becomes a kick, becomes a beating.  

So back to money

If the ownership of money, or the ability to spend money, is an active part of your stimulus and response mechanism then you will experience that money does, in fact, make you happy because it feeds that ‘wow!’, feeling of Dopamine. Once we find a route to Dopamine production we will continue to enact the stimulus and response mechanism so that we continue to feel good.

What is money?

All money is potential energy. A unit of currency is like a seed full of potential energy that when released can create something. An acorn can create an Oak tree. Money is simply a form of energy. When we release that energy we can turn it into something else. In physics the law is that energy is never lost all it does is change its form. The energy or power in money is the same. When we use it we change its form into goods, services, actions and so on. If the things that we use money for create a Dopamine response within us then we will develop an addiction to the need for money to maintain those levels of Dopamine. We were told as kids that “money is the route of all evil”. This is a misquote the original was “the love of money is the route to all evil”. In the terms we are talking about in the blog it is the addiction to money that creates our problems.

Mindful responses to Dopamine addictions

Whatever your addiction disorder there are solutions and they lie in Mindfulness. Behaviours, habits and addiction are embedded in the mind, emotions and actions, often below awareness. Using Mindful techniques and developing your observer self that sits above the cognitive mind and emotions you are able to see your habit cycles and, most importantly make decision to feed those habits that serve you well and to starve those habits that do not serve you well.

What you feed grows and what you starve dies

If you do have an addiction to money, or the things that it can get you, remember this…

Love people and use money

Not the other way around.

Be happy and enjoy the money that you do have

Sean x

This weeks blog is an experiment in that I have not directly written it. We used an AI Chat Bot to create it and see what it comes up with and it is very interesting. Perhaps this is what we can all expect in the future in many of the things that we read. I have put my contributions in bracketed italics. 

Title: Nurturing Healthy Connections: Avoiding Toxic Relationships and Recognising Warning Signs

Introduction

In our journey through life, (our responses to) relationships (and all experiences) play a fundamental role in shaping our experience (of life) and our emotional well-being. While healthy relationships bring joy, support, and growth, toxic relationships can have a detrimental impact on our mental and emotional health. Recognising and avoiding toxic relationships is crucial for our overall happiness and personal development. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies to steer clear of toxic relationships and identify warning signs in certain friendships.

Understanding Toxic Relationships:

Toxic relationships can manifest in various forms, including romantic partnerships, friendships, family connections, or even professional (or business partnerships and) interactions. These relationships are characterised by a pervasive negativity, lack of respect, and an imbalance of power. They drain our energy, diminish our self-esteem, and hinder personal growth. By understanding the common traits of toxic relationships, we can better equip ourselves to avoid them.

(In all of our relationships it is important to understand the ability of the other person to exercise both empathy and insight. Toxic or negative relationships are only changeable if the other person can understand and see what they are doing and have the insight to change their interactions.)

1. Self-Awareness: (it is important to point out that the fundamental relationships that we all have is with ourself, usually termed our ‘self-esteem’. We can have an internal toxic relationship with ourself that leads to a lack of self belief. If I don’t love me and you tell that you do love me I am likely to think that you must be mad. ‘Why would you want to love me?)
2. Building healthy relationships starts with self-awareness. (Self love is not arrogance it is healthy) Understanding your values, needs, and boundaries allows you to set the foundation for positive connections. When you have a clear sense of self, you are less likely to compromise your well-being by engaging in toxic relationships. Take the time to reflect on your core values and the qualities you seek in others, and use this knowledge as a guide in your relationships.
3. Trust Your Intuition: (Intuition often has little value to the western cognitive mind, Yet when we learn to trust our intuition we have instant insight into situations and people. Intuition is often knowing without knowing why or how we know)
4. One of the most powerful tools we possess in navigating relationships is our intuition. Pay attention to your gut feelings and instincts. If something feels off or causes you discomfort, it is essential to trust those emotions. Intuition often serves as an early warning system, helping us steer clear of toxic relationships before they become deeply ingrained.
5. Set and Maintain Boundaries: (when you clearly set boundaries you are making the rules and being a doer not a done-to)
6. Establishing and enforcing boundaries is vital in maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries define what is acceptable and what is not in your interactions with others. Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively, and respect the boundaries of those around you. Toxic relationships often involve crossed boundaries and a disregard for personal limits. By maintaining strong boundaries, you can protect yourself from potentially harmful dynamics.

Spotting Warning Signs: (it may that the warning sign is in what you are feeling – intuition – it may make no sense logically but listen to that feeling)

Identifying potential red flags is essential to prevent toxic relationships from taking hold in your life. Here are some common warning signs to be mindful of when evaluating your friendships:

1. Constant Negativity:
2. Toxic relationships are often characterised by consistent negativity. If a friend consistently brings you down, criticises your ideas, or makes you feel inferior, it may be a sign of toxicity. Healthy friendships involve mutual support, encouragement, and positivity.
3. Lack of Respect: (understanding respect often begin with self respect and self love)
4. Respect is a fundamental aspect of any healthy relationship. If a friend consistently disregards your feelings, boundaries, or needs, it is a warning sign of a toxic dynamic. (If so, are they really a friend at all?) Respect should be present in all interactions, and any persistent disrespect should not be tolerated.
5. Manipulative Behaviour:
6. Toxic individuals often employ manipulative tactics to control others. Watch out for signs of manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or constant demands for attention and validation. Healthy friendships are based on trust, equality, and open communication.
7. One-Sided Relationships:
8. Relationships should be a give-and-take, with both parties contributing and benefiting. If you find yourself consistently investing more time, energy, or resources into a friendship without receiving the same in return, it may indicate an unhealthy dynamic. Balanced friendships are built on reciprocity and mutual support.
9. Emotional and Physical Drain: (Dementors and Vampires)
10. Toxic relationships can drain us emotionally and even physically. If a friend consistently leaves you feeling exhausted, stressed, or anxious, it may be a sign that the relationship is detrimental to your well-being. Surround yourself with people who uplift and energise you, rather than deplete your resources.

Conclusion:

Nurturing healthy relationships is crucial for our personal growth and happiness. By understanding the traits of toxic relationships and being aware of warning signs, we can avoid falling into harmful dynamics. Remember to prioritise self-awareness, trust your intuition, and set and maintain healthy boundaries. Surround yourself with individuals who respect, support, and inspire you to become the best version of yourself. Ultimately, investing in healthy relationships will contribute to your overall well-being and foster a positive and fulfilling life journey.

(The key to all relationships at all levels of society is simply – 

If we all look after each other we will all be okay –

A real friend will have your back and will be looking after you.)

(You will probably know that I was ill last year and had open heart surgery. People around me fell quite clearly into different categories of friendship. The vast majority of people stepped forward to help in whatever way that the could. There were those who allowed their own needs to get in the way of ours and became intrusive and there were even those who were angry with me for being ill and not being there for them. The experience certainly made me look at my relationships and make adjustments to lessen any toxicity effecting me and my recovery. It was an interesting audit and perhaps one that we should all undertake.)

(Remember this – relationships are the basis of society and of our belonging in our society and family. However, the most important relationship that you will ever have will be the one that you have with yourself. Positive self esteem is a good attribute to have and self love is not arrogance it is strength.)

Take care and be happy

Sean x