Archive for year: 2019

This week Ed and I were talking about the effects of persuasion and how people can seem to gullibly and just believe anything. I was explaining about the Barnum effect. Barnum was the great circus master who was into the concepts of illusion and fooling the audience into believing that what they were seeing was real.

The Barnum effect can be seen in sales, marketing, politics and propaganda.  My favourite are the horoscopes read by millions across the world. The magic is that because our imagination creates a filter that limits our perception to whatever it is that we expect to experience we will see whatever we want to in a horoscope prediction. Two different people looking at the same horoscope with exactly the same words will both get completely different meanings and understanding. This is because we, as observers, dictate what we experience, we create our experience. So that someone who wakes up in the morning expecting to have a bad day will, inevitable, have a bad day because they will pay attention to the bad things and miss the good things. The same is true the other way around with someone expecting the positive.

When we read the horoscope we see what we expect to see. We create the meaning that is relevant to us. We have decided what this is before we read it. The Barnum effect is neutral. We see what we expect to see.

While it might be said that we tend to accept statements  about ourself that resonate with how we feel, it is also true that some Barnum statements are 99% likely to hit the spot. “You like people to accept and like you.” Well unless you set out to create bad impression this is probably true for most people. 

We can all feel the martyrdom of self imposed stress and feel that we are the only person who is really doing the job. “Sometimes you give too much of your self.”

We like to be popular, we like people to like us, “Sometimes you can be more outgoing and a good people person, but there are times when you prefer be more quiet.”

Very few people really look after themselves properly. “You can be your own worst critic.”

These Barnum phrases are everywhere. When the car sales says “Well I can see that you are a discerning person, you will really appreciate ….” they are playing to the Barnum effect. Those that seek to manipulate us will use such phrases, often flattery so that we let our guard down.

But it’s not all bad. It can be enjoyable to be complimented even when it is not strictly true. My advice is read your horoscope and get what you want from it. At the same time enjoy it when some one is playing to your vanity, just stay awake to what it is that they are doing.

Take care

Sean x

International women’s day is on March 8 a time to celebrate such wonderful people.

At what point did the males on the planet become dominant and the females submissive? It is the same in virtually all mammal species. Generally it is men who take on the appearance of being dominant. It has never seemed that way to me. In the human species I think that women have always run the world but have cleverly allowed men to believe that they are in charge.

I am not denying that men have been grossly unfair to women and have abused and suppressed them and created great inequality on virtually every level and in many societies continue to do so. Also I am aware that women had to fight and some societies still fight, to get the rites of equality and even the vote. It was not that long ago that women in the UK were legally the property of men, initially their father and then their husband.

I want to suggest a different way of looking at the male female assertiveness and dominance. 

First our nearest relative is not, as many believe, chimpanzees, it is Bonobos. These are a smaller form of Chimpanzee often termed the ‘pygmy chimpanzee’. The striking thing is that Bonobo society is a matriarchy run by the alpha female. The females are assertive and dominant including sexually. This is not simply a change of roles where the females are the unreasonable dominant for just like men. Bonobo society is calmer, more peaceful and has less conflicts than their chimpanzee cousins. This would indicate that female equality and even dominance is perfectly possible in primate and human society.

The second is normally termed ‘The Sex Contract’ that has existed in human societies from way back in evolution. The contract goes something like this. The female give herself exclusively to a male in return for food and protection. The deal was that she would stay at home in the cave looking after the home, the kids and the in-laws and going down the bush to pick nuts and berries while he was out there bringing back the food, in this case meat, to feed the family. he would also have the role of protecting her and the children from any threat from other males or groups of hominids.

Now the woman needed to multitask to get all her jobs done and the man needed to be a mono-tasker to ensure that he focussed on his hunting without becoming distracted. So we now have the idea that men and woman have different brains. From what I read in neuroscience it would suggest that the brains are pretty much the same it is how they are used that is different. A bit like a computer where the hardware is the same but the programme that is being run is different. Latest research suggests the female brain passes information from one hemisphere to the other, multitasking, while the male brain passes information from the back to the front, mono-tasking.

The sexual part works like this. The woman wants a man who is strong, can be dominant and aggressive to get food and provide protection. However, she needs to be able to control this potentially dangerous male. When couples have sex and both orgasm the woman is energised and able to get up, get on and do things. The male, on the other hand, following ejaculation creates the chemistry that makes him fall asleep. The assumption is that the female managed to control this aggressive male through her sexuality.

The last thing that, to me, makes the dominance of females obvious is caring. In that I include all the positive skills of nurture, caring, love, social cohesion, listening, understanding and so on. When men decide to go to war and beat the crap out of each other it is the women that go onto the battle field and nurse, heal and cure the injured. If there is a peace movement it is normally the women who are running it. When I work with couples, nine times out of ten, it is the woman who is the driver that brought them to therapy.

Over all I think that women have always been dominant in ways that men do not realise from home making to healing. Had it not been for females humanity would have died out generations ago.

Take care and embrace our equality

Sean x 

I had an email from a listener this week all about money, power and an energetic conversation that she had with her father.

“Just had an intense discussion with my dad, he firmly believes that no one should have ‘too much’ money and that anyone who has a lot of money has acquired it in ‘bad’ ways.” 

The first concept to consider is how much is too much? In theory if you are warm clothed and fed you could say that you have all that you need. If you then want a television, the internet, a car and maybe a holiday then you will, by definition have more than someone who cannot afford any of these things. 

T. Harv Eker in his Millionaire Mind Book and courses talks about a money blueprint that is set when we are young and then, unless we adapt it, will play out through our lives. Those that have a rich template will create wealth while those that have a poor template will not. There is lots of evidence that shows when people get a lot of wealth through something like the lottery they will spend, spend, spend until it reduces to an amount that they feel comfortable with. This is when it matches their money blueprint.

It is true that if you gain a lot of money you can gain a lot of power. An engineer defines power as ‘the ability to do work’. The power rating on a motor is telling you how much work that motor can do in an hour. The power that money give us is the ability to do something.

With the power of money we can influence the people, even those at the ‘top’ and create real change in the world. This may be through charity or through educating people on love, kindness and logical ways of thinking and behaving. Many people would say that this is naive to think that it is impossible. “Be realistic” they say. I disagree with this version of “realistic”. I think that money is a magnify glass and makes you more of who you are. If you are a good person money allows you to be more of a good person and if you are a bad person money allows to do more bad things.

Attitudes to money, power and wealth are the ongoing disagreements between true communism, – the left wing – where we are all equal and true capitalism – the right wing – that is full of the haves and have nots. In the argument is between capitalism and  communism. People have tried to answer this problem in many ways. 

Religion has a view. In Islam it is considered wrong to go to bed with a full belly if the people next door go to bed hungry. In Christianity it remains the belief that we should all give 10% of our net income to charities and the poor.  In psychology we can measure the positive effects of giving to charity or committing charitable acts. Being kind to others not only makes us feel better but it also strengthens our immune system.

It is important to note that the finance houses in Europe and USA, including all the long standing household names, founded their wealth mainly on the opium and the slave trades. It is little realised that the one industry that they tried to privatise, along with everything else, was sugar that was and is still highly profitable, but built on plantations and the slave trade.

Because of this association with exploitation both abroad and in Britain people often see money as dirty. As the mill and the mine owners created their wealth by working people hard for little reward we developed unions, worker’s rites and employment law. Something that we may begin to give away with Brexit.

Alongside established business were and are the bad lads such as protection rackets, bad small business practices, and lying politicians. How easily the stage has been set to associate both power and money to bad practice.

The work of the Gates Foundation and the fortune that had been poured into medical research and the myriad charities sponsored by and supported by ‘rich’ people would suggest that money can be both a good and a useful resource. It is not what you have it is how you use it that counts.

In the end the issues is that if you live in a capitalist society people will act in capitalistic ways which are to make as much as you can, keep it all for yourself and don’t share it. If you live in a truly communist society, and there has never been one of these to my knowledge, then the question would be ‘what can I do for you and how can I help?’  

The question, is it wrong to be well off is relative. I work hard, harder than most, I seldom work less than sixty hours in a week. I also earn more then most though I would not describe myself as rich in any way, other than the wealth of positive emotion in my family. Does that make me a bad person? 

We all have the same choice, do we use our time to create wealth or to spend all that we can, even if it is really other people’s. I asked the question a few blogs ago, ‘Why do benefit claimants not work for their money and give back to the community that supports them?’ In an equal society we would all support each other as best we can and would also all contribute. For some that might mean paying taxes while for others it might mean helping out in social enterprises. I come back to my usual phrase…

If we all look after each other then we will all be okay

It is never the money that makes us bad, it is the love of money that makes us bad. As someone once said…

We need to love people and use money, not the other way around.

We can all be charitable. Those that have money can share it. Though even if you have no money to spare you can share your time and your love.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

I guess it follows that as we were hunter gatherers living in forests, not open plains, that we should have an infinity with trees and woods. I hadn’t realised the extent until I read around it and discovered that walking in the woods and being in natural settings is good for our emotional wellbeing. The trees and plants are all releasing pheromones into the air that have a calming effect on our minds and bodies. That explains the air fresheners and smelly candles. We are attempting to recreate the outside inside. Probably be healthier to open the window or go for a walk.

Have you got a walking app? Current wisdom is 10,000 steps everyday though some are now saying that it needs to be even longer than that. I guess there are so many factors to health that everything will vary depending on the individual. The thing that we do know is that we all need to move more and that we are mainly too sedentary. Ed would now tell us about the virtues of only using a bike or our legs and leaving the car at home.

He also has his smart watch that keeps him on his toes, literally. Every hour if he hasn’t got up from his desk or chair, it tells him to get going. For him it started as a novelty but has fairly quickly just become a part of who he is and built into his daily version of himself. Now he is in liaison with both the police and local councils to improve the situation for bikers.

Rie is a walker and together we have built in going for walks at weekends. Rie also  does more high impact stuff and me running (until I started to damage myself, mainly through over enthusiasm). So, walking has become a serious alternative. I am looking forward to being back on the bike once the weather improves a little and I would really like to do some running again but maybe not get so addicted this time!

Mindful walking is to use the exercise to stay in the moment to be instep with yourself. This is a mindful meditation in motion. Now add in some beautiful scenery and the positive psychological effect is enhanced. If you were doing it in a wood or a country setting the pheromones would enhance your neurology.

There is so much evidence now that when we move our bodies we also feed our mind and give extra support to our brain. I always go back to the notion that  as hunter gatherers we needed a lot of eye brain coordination to cope with undulating ground, obstacles and dangers both movement and brain work together. Work one and you work the other. So, physical health is often a state of mind and mental health is often a state of body. They are inseparable.

We now also know that the depth of vision we develop as we learn about visual perspective also effects our emotional self. In the Forrest we needed good depth vision to be able to see both prey and predators. Neuropsychology explains that the centre of the brain developed for depth vision also gives us a depth of emotion that includes understanding and empathy. The assumption of researchers is that as we no longer spend time outside developing depth of vision and depth of emotion we are gradually becoming less social and more isolated, less sensitive and more selfish.

I see so many people, often quite young, who have musculoskeletal problems that have been brought about by years of inactivity. This is a life style issue. Often a work style issue. How often do you move? I can also relate to the idea that these people also have corresponding emotional issues.

Anyway I digress, we need to get moving preferably outside in the woods. We have a good opportunity now to get fit leading up to May which is national walking month. During this campaign we are all encouraged to walk for at least 20 minutes every day .    Have a look at livingstreets.co.uk and you will get a feel for Ed’s desire to get us out and moving.

The neuropsychology is that if you raise your heart rate for about twenty minutes your brain will reward you by releasing happy hormones which feed positively right down into the chemistry of your cells. This is the relationship of:

Happy mind, happy body = Happy body, happy mind

Do you need an excuse to exercise?

When you are new to exercise or you have been out of the game for while you may need an excuse to get going. That could be finding a friend who will do it with you. Maybe join a gym. Get a trainer or join a club for either rambling, walking or running. You could simply borrow a dog. Have a look at borrowmydoggy.com. 

Walking to work

Could you either walk to work or even part of the way? Perhaps parking some way away or getting off the bus or train a stop earlier and walking the rest. In London the underground have a steps map that shows how many steps there are between stations. 

The bottom line is that exercise equals happiness and exercise in the country, if you can, has huge benefits.

So, keep moving, be happy and take care

Sean x 

Lovely Rie got us thinking this week as she made some suggestions of things that we might question this Valentine’s Day 

How do you know that you are loved? 

• What do you want your partner, or lover to mean when they say “I love you”? 
• Is love for you a simple one stranded thing or is it multi-faceted?
• How many strands does it have?
• What are they?

It is so strange that someone can love you truly, madly, deeply but unless it is expressed in just the right way so that you are able to receive it then you will simply not feel it, you will not feel loved.

I sit down with many couples in relationship therapy and commonly, at some point in their past, they both shared their love for each other. The problem, that only came to light later, was that they did not understand what each other meant when they used the word love. They both felt that their partner meant the same as they did. Later they discovered that they were wrong.

Love, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

It is not being loved that is important

It is feeling loved that counts

Example: A common sort of problem

First person: “I feel unloved and hurt when you fail to put a X on the end of a text”

Partner: “That just feels like you a trying to control my emotions. I only put an ‘X’ there when I am really feeling it. It is meaningless if I always put it there because in the end it just means nothing.”

Therapist: “How about if it is important to your partner to see an ‘X’ and if you do love her and care about her would the act of simply adding an ‘X’ be something that you know would make her feel happy and good. Is it therefore not worth doing?”

Sometimes showing your partner that they are loved isn’t egocentrically based around your need to be honest it is about ensuring that the person that you love feels it. To go out of your way, to put yourself out, to get something or do something that you know will make your partner happy is an expression of love.

If your response to the above is something like, “Well, my needs are as important as their’s and if I need not to put a ‘X’ at the end of a text and they love me then they will respect that”, then you are either emotionally immature or need to be in another relationship.

Once you get into relationships it can happen that love becomes a demand and not an act of giving. Success in relationships comes from both people giving, it is then that both people will receive. If both people expect to get love without giving it then neither of their needs will be met.

If it becomes a battle it ceases to be love and becomes acts of possession. Think about your relationship and how do you both share your love.

In relationships we sometimes need to fake it to make it. 

Maybe your partner has really cheesed you off for some reason but you still arrange their birthday party and have risen above the difficulties. If your partner loves you in the same way they will do the same for you. It is to do with whether or not your love is conditional and demanding or unconditional and giving. In a world where there really is no right or wrong, where there is only a consequence to your action, you need to take responsibility for who you are, for what you do and how you show your love.

I guess I should add that pouring out your love, time and energy into someone who does not love you back is like standing in an ice cold shower tearing up twenty pound notes. Not to be recommended.

Love is the magic glue that holds the whole of the universe together. It may be expressed as the law of attraction, as gravity, in the relationship between particles and atoms, it might be shown in the caring for the sick and needy or it might simply be in the giving of a bunch of flowers.

However you share you love, I hope that Valentines Day confirms the love that others have for you.

Take care and Happy Valentine’s

Sean X