Relationship Advice: Where Did the ‘Spark’ Go?

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Professor Stephanie Ortigue in October 2010 found that the quick release of a cocktail of chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, adrenalin and vasopressin, some of which act in tandem, is what creates the high that could be called falling in love.

Across a crowded room our eyes lock, love at first sight…

The emotional elastic of love is connected to the love object and the magical energy of attraction and love begin. We repeatedly glance between each other’s eyes and lips. We begin to laugh at things that are not even funny. Unconsciously we begin to touch and stroke each other. Our bodies face each other in an open posture and we begin to mirror each other’s movements and gestures and we smile. As we do all this the cocktail of love chemicals begin to flow through our system and we are hooked, we feel the love?

The dominant hormone is dopamine that is known as the love drug. However it is also the hormone of excitement and addiction. As our relationship develops the dopamine subsides and the oxytocin takes over. Dopamine is excitement and often erotic love that can be short lived, while oxytocin is bonding and friendship that is the love that lasts a lifetime.

The first flush of love can keep us up all night talking. We may become so excited that we stop eating. Dopamine is hard work and is not sustainable in the long term unless we become dopamine junkies.

The honeymoon period of dopamine will often fade into the friendship of oxytocin after two years or so. But, dopamine is an important stimulator and driver of everyday life and people will seek ways to get dopamine. This is usually through fun and new experiences. Dopamine and adrenaline often run together and when we see someone as an adrenaline junkie they will also be getting big hits of dopamine.

When dopamine gets out of control people will seek new, exciting and sometimes dangerous behaviours to feed their dopamine habit. One of these is to have affairs. In the extreme this becomes the serial philanderer. The question that couples often ask is can we keep the levels of dopamine high and working in our relationship. The answer is, of course, yes, though it depends on the nature of your relationship as to what constitutes excitement.

Because many people associate dopamine with sex and love the focus of creating more dopamine in a relationship is often based around sexuality, hence the issue of affairs. Many opt for spicing up their relationship with role-play, sex toys, multiple partners and so on. However if you think of dopamine and being a response to fun, newness and challenge there are many ways to get a dopamine hit. It is based around the things that we do together as a couple and that they both find fun and stimulating.

Top of the list always is fun laughter exacerbates dopamine production. New experiences. Doing things and going places that you have never been before and, that often means travel and holiday. Doing the same things in the same way can be great from an oxytocin point of view but to get dopamine it needs to be new and novel.

Date nights for many couples will reintroduce dopamine. Going to the theatre, concerts, self development groups. Having something new to talk about. Allowing your partner to challenge you. Maybe doing something that they would like to do, so that you are doing their thing with them.

Go back and re-read the second paragraph. Re-enacting some of those behaviours can reignite the dopamine in a relationship. That is where the spark is. That is where it started and that is where is still is.

Take care, stay happy and keep sparking!

Sean x

What do you Waste?

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This is one of those topics that gets me energised. So at the outset I will own that my attitude comes from someone who was brought up in poverty where there was never really enough and because of that everything was used to the full. If a chicken were there for Sunday lunch it would still be being used on Monday and Tuesday. So that it eventually became soup and even after that what was left would be boiled down again as stock for next Sunday’s gravy. It was a world of make do and mend and nothing was ever allowed to go to waste.

What really lit my fire, and got me writing this, was reading that up to one third of all the food that we buy, in Britain, ends up in the bin. At the same time we have food banks because other people can’t afford to eat, not to mention the starving in other countries.

When I was a kid food was served like school dinners, you were given what the server decided you needed to eat. Because we were always hungry whatever was on the plate was eaten. As I got older and could provide food for myself and for other people it seemed reasonable to allow people to serve themselves. Using terrines people could now take what they would like to eat not what I thought that they should eat. So, why is it that, given the choice, people take more food than they want to eat and then leave the residue on their plate, now contaminated so that no one else can eat it?

This idea of waste gets me wondering as to what kind of mindset takes more than it needs and then puts it in the bin? Well, I guess it has to be people who were brought up with more than they need so that the idea of dumping and re-buying was acceptable and became the default habit. So if you are a waster, and you fill your bowl with more than you want or need and then throw what’s left away, what else do you waste?

Do you waste time?
I work with so many people who get to the point of retirement at age 60 or 65 in a state of shock, “where did that go?”, ‘what was that all about?’, ‘feels like yesterday that I was 18’, “I feel like I have just wasted my life”.

Doing things can be wasting time
Some people just can’t stop; they always have to be doing something. Under analysis the ‘something’ turns out to be meaningless other than it is just something to do. Ok, we all need to do things but when the doing is really avoiding facing our self or our emotions, or is driven by guilt embedded from a critical parent or grandparent it is actually a waste of time. When the need to be active is driven by avoidance it is termed OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Genuine business can make you happy
Genuine business is an activity that is aimed at a goal, not avoidance. The difference between this and OCD is that in OCD once one task is completed there is no sense of achievement or satisfaction and the drive is ‘what must I do next’. In genuine business there is satisfaction and achievement and an accompanying sense of well-being and happiness that goes with it.

Chilling is not always being
‘Being’ is to be really present in the moment, it is to be ‘Mindful’. Meditation may seem like doing nothing. However, meditation is an active process of intensely ‘being’. The same, or similar effect can be achieved through yoga, running, or any exercise, often repetitive, that requires the concentration of ‘being’. TV, on the other hand can be hard work.

Couch potatoes
Most people in the western world watch around four hours of TV everyday. Though to some this may be seen as relaxation or chilling it is actually hard on your system. There does seem to be a correlation between those that watch too much TV and the same physical state seen in people who are so stressed that they are heading for strokes and heart attacks, and of course there is increased weight, diabetes and other related illnesses.

I could go on all-day, you will have guessed I have just climbed astride a hobby horse of mine, so think of it like this, when you fail to act mindfully in the moment you can waste your:

  • Time
  • Health/happiness
  • Friends/family/relationships/love
  • Education/fun/interests/new experiences
  • Life potential and self fulfilment
  • Money/resources
  • Mind/intelligence
  • Intuition/empathy/understanding
  • Creative imagination/problem solving/genius
  • Life

And if I ever meet the person who created the sell by/use by notifications on foods I will have a few words to say to them. Evolution gave us a nose so that we could tell what was good to eat and was not and a brain to know the difference. The fact that we put a third of all the food we buy in the bin is an outrage and a crime against all the starving in the world.

Hey ho, be happy

Take care
Sean x

Dealing with Long Term Illness

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Mindfulness and long-term illness

Mindfulness is a conscious state of living, or being, in the present moment. That is to be ruminating on past unresolved events or fearing futures that may never happen. This state of mind is reached through the practise of specific techniques normally associated with meditation. Though to the practitioner of mindfulness the approach to life is to be present in every moment of everyday whether we are working, eating, sleeping and so on. This includes being mindful when we are ill and also when we are dying.

Illness comes in different forms. There are those coughs and colds, the sort of short-term infection that may lay us low for a short while but we bounce back from them. Then, we may be the subject of an accident with broken bones to mend or psychological scars of trauma to be healed, these will take us longer. The bones several weeks, sometimes months but trauma can be with us for years and even a lifetime. Then there are the general operations from which we need to recover, but these are mainly short term issues that may be awkward but we get over them within a reasonable period of time.

For some people illness becomes long, or longer term. We may develop ulcerative bowel issues and become the subject of a stoma, there may autoimmune problems perhaps rheumatoid arthritic issues or it may be an emotional or mental issue such as depression, extreme anxiety or the longer-term post traumatic stress. We may also develop cancer and become terminal over a long or short time.

Long-term illness requires much from both the sufferer and the carer. The carers of course are often family members, partners or close friends. Just as if the family has an alcoholic member then all the family has an alcohol problem, it is also the case that if someone in the family has a long-term illness, then all the family has a long-term illness to deal with.

Illness always has been and, always will be with us
Life, it self, is a terminal disease. For everyone in every walk of life, there is only ever one ending. You and I will both get there when our time, and our turn, comes. But, maybe that is not the point, true we are all going to die, perhaps it is how we get there that concerns us most.

Some people will add other categories to this but for me we will all die from either:

1: a cardio vascular problem
2: a dementing or alzheimer’s issue
2: a degenerative nerve or brain disease,
4: a cancer of one sort or another
5: or an accident

I just ran the list by a colleague physician in the next office and he thinks we should add in respiratory problems like COPD, Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, emphysema and also gastric ulcerative issues. The point is that however we look at it we will all die, though it is how we do it that counts. For some the ending will be swift and sudden but for others it will become drawn out and long. So whilst accepting that not all long term illness will lead directly to death I want, in this blog, to focus on dealing with death and long-term illness from the two points of the sufferer and the carer.

Living or dying?
Over the years I have worked with many people suffering long-term illness. Attitudes vary from the amazingly positive to the completely negative. It comes down to this…

…are we living with ‘it’ or are we dying from our illness?

Illness, like death, is something that few people consider until it is upon them. We need to come to terms with the idea that we are likely to become ill, and perhaps long-term, before we die. Ideally most of us would like to die in our sleep or suddenly doing something that we enjoy.

Living in the now – living with illness
My teacher once said to me,

“you are not ready to live until you are ready to die”.

He was saying that to effectively live in the present, and not to be suffering from the forward projection (that leads to anxiety). We need to become aware of death and illness and accept it as an inevitable part of being a human being. We all have a body and bodies become damaged and eventually wear out and stop working. Along with having a body to deal with and the problems of illness, accident and old age there comes, for us all, pain and suffering. Pain and suffering are the natural human condition, but we do have a choice as to how we deal with and, respond to them.

In long-term illness for both the sufferer and the carer there will come levels of pain, anguish, frustration, anger, depression, anxiety, fear and so on. Though these are also set against such things as love and fortitude, endurance and resilience, wonder and understanding, security and comfort.

Mindful Moments
The use and development of the skills of mindfulness gives us a choice to either follow the positive path of living with illness, even when we know we are terminal, rather than taking the negative path and fearing every step of the future. Mindfulness allows us to face, come to terms with and deal with whatever is presented to us.

In Mindfulness and meditation we can learn to allow the river of life, as thoughts, feelings and physical sensations, to flow by us without the need to get into the water and swim with them. When we learn the mindful skills of being able to sit on the bank while watching the river of life flow by we learn to observe all of life, all it’s wonders and pitfalls.

Mindful practise teaches us that however uncertain the future is, we can be present in the moment. The ability to be and remain in the moment frees us from the depression of looking backwards to what was and the fear and anxiety that comes from looking forward to what might never be.

S.N. Goenka the famous teacher in the Vipassana tradition of Mindful Meditations makes the point that to the mindful practitioner all experience can be observed without attachment. So that the mindful meditator may, in peace and serenity have an experience, as in… “oh this is a new experience what is this?” or in the extreme “are so, this is what death feels like”

As a sufferer of long term or terminal illness, mindfulness allows us to live in each moment without projecting forward in fear as to what may happen next. It allows us to get the best from every minute that is available to us, with compassion for our self and for those that are caring for us.

As a carer for someone with long term or terminal illness, mindfulness allows us to act compassionately, with patience and fortitude allowing the person in our care to undergo their own journey with our support.

As either patient or carer the most powerful tool available to us is love and compassion.

Take care

Sean x

The Importance of Failure

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We live in a world of opposites that are totally dependent on each other, one cannot exist without the other. Hot and cold, high and low, rough and smooth, light and dark, happy and sad, positive and negative, rich and poor, good and evil, the list is endless. Yet each of these symbiotic twins are relative to each other.

For example something will only seem cold if it is at a lower temperature of what we have labelled hot. Just as something will only seem hot if it is a higher temperature then what we have labelled cold. The difference between these twins is never an ‘actual’ measurement it is a ‘relative’ measurement.

Compared to the ceiling the floor is low. Compared to the sky the ceiling is low. Compared to the moon the sky is low. Compared to the Sun the moon is low. Compared to Alpha Centauri the Sun is low. It is all just the way that we look at it. Which takes me to the symbiotic twin that I want to look at, it is ‘Success and Failure’. This has such a profound effect on our self-esteem and our ability to function happily in our life.

Like all of these twins this is a matter of opposites. We could not have a concept of success without a concept of failure. Yet, because it is a relative relationship our experience and beliefs will vary.

My concept of success might be your concept of failure.

Let’s say your success is to have one million and for me five hundred would be my success, if you were experiencing my success you would be feeling your failure. I have often said that I see competition as a senseless waste of time. My example is that if nine people embark on the 100 metre dash only one person will experience success while eight people will experience failure.

Ed, and other competitive types tell me this is the wrong way to look at it because the eight that didn’t win the race may have succeeded in other ways. Perhaps the person who continually comes fourth managed to come third so this is a success. Or one runner improved their time and felt success. I guess that even to have competed at a high level meeting at all and to come last might be experienced as success.

Failure could be the mother of invention

I am reminded of Edison and his quest to invent the light bulb. His problem was finding the right element that would glow without burning out that would create light. He tried over 2000 different elements before he found tungsten that worked. That is over 200 experiences of failure, or was it. I have often thought about his tenacity. At what point would I have conceded failure and given up. Was it that each element that failed spurred him on to try the next in his determination to succeed?

I suspect that it is this concept of failure that is vitally important to achieving our success. Just as there is no up without down, and there is no success without failure. The point from which we start anything is the down point and the goal that we are aiming for is the up point. When we look up to where we want to be we are setting our goal. Achieving our goal is our success and this is often tied up with our self-esteem just as not achieving our goal is our failure and leads to a loss of self-esteem.

Learning from our failures

My experience, both personally and working with others, is that that the pain of failure is the spur that creates the energy that drives us towards success. A business person can learn from a bankruptcy so that it never happens again, we come out of a failed relationship with the knowledge that allows us to succeed next time, the injuries that we experience in training enable us to adapt to succeed in the race.

When failures become learning points we learn and grow

I want to challenge the concept of failure and the idea of success. In this world of twinned opposites we need to continually learn from one to achieve the other. So, I prefer to think of “failure” as an opportunity. We don’t have failures we have learning points that, if used consciously and creatively enable us to move towards our success. In that sense there are never problems only opportunities.

Planning our success

Ok, so if we have a starting point and we have a goal we need to make the journey from one to the other. Most people set the goal too high and then don’t reach it. This is then labelled failure. To make the journey it needs to be broken down into achievable steps that create the path to success.

Forward Base you success

Forward basing is an exercise that I use with individuals; couples and teams who need to achieve a goal. You can do this right now in your kitchen; if it is a team I am using a gym hall. On one wall I stick a big sheet of flip chart paper. On this I write where we are up to in the NOW. On the opposite wall I put another sheet of paper. On this I write where we want to get to, this is the GOAL.

The next job is to put sheets of paper on the floor that become the stepping-stone from now to the goal. This is the plan. Each step is set at an achievable distance so that with each step there is the feeling of success. Once the steps have been set out we create a timeline along the wall so that we have set steps to take in a time frame.

None of this is set in stone. The time frame can vary and the steps can move. If one step is not completed we go back to the previous step and either try again or adapt or change it. The point of forward basing is to create a flow on continued success that build self-esteem and drives us on to our goal. When we forward base we are able to use success rather than failure as the drive towards our goal.

1: What do you consider to be your failures?
2: How can you turn these into useful learning points?
3: If you were to forward base what would you write on the NOW sheet and what would be on the goal sheet.
4: From this you can create your steps and your timeline.

Failure, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder only you can define your failures and acknowledge your successes. In my own life I have had many learning points. The only failure that I would identify is when I didn’t attend to the learning points and needed to repeat the lesson. I also acknowledge that I have had many successes, which makes me a happy person who feels successful.

Take care, be happy

Sean x

Dealing With Abuse

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What is Abuse?

Abuse, like many things, can be in the eye of the beholder. What I see as physical or sexual abuse you may see as affection. What I see as violence you may see as passion. What I see as a totally put down you might see as banter or talking dirty.

Abuse takes place on many levels. It may be physical, emotional or mental but also it might be more obscure and be intellectual or social and there is also financial or legal abuse. If you are a physical person and your method of greeting is to punch me in the arm, I may see that as a form of assault. If you naturally use sarcasm as a form of wit I may see that as an insult.

So what is abuse?

For me abuse is when we mistreat, misuse, mis… whatever. Or it might be disrespect, discount, distain, dis… whatever. I think it is in the little prefixes of “Mis” or “Dis” that suggest that the behaviour is abusive. When I Mis/Dis you I am doing something to you that does not serve you well. If I don’t realise what I am doing this is unconscious abuse. If, on the other hand, I know exactly what I am doing I am a conscious abuser and a perpetrator.

You may not even realise that you are being Mis-ed or Dis-ed this makes you an unconscious victim. If, on the other hand, you are aware of what is going on then you are a conscious victim. Many people stay in abusive situations forever, “better the Devil you know”. Some people will tolerate abusive behaviour from another person as though it is normal “a leopard can’t change its spots”, and they will accept someone’s abusive behaviour as fixed and unchangeable, “you can’t teach an old dog new trick”.

Abuse in any form can never be tolerated and always confronted

Abuse is when we are made to feel ‘less than’ or that we deserve what is being done to us. Often abuse is when we have no voice, or have no choice in what is taking place. This is a state of powerlessness in which we have no option other than to tolerate, cope with or survive the situation.

Abuse is often addictive to both the victim and the perpetrator and will remain so until it is challenged. If someone has beaten us every Friday night for many years and then they suddenly stop doing it, we may well seek out another perpetrator to beat us so that we once again feel normal.

It is easy to be judgemental of a victim, ‘why don’t they just leave’? From the outside such behaviours may seem strange or even ridiculous. From within they may seem normal and just, as it should be, business as usual.

When someone is attempting to break an abuse cycle, as with all other addictions, it often takes on average five to seven attempts before they succeed. This is because as far as the brain is concerned being a victim or a perpetrator is a learned habit. Anyone working in the area of abuse, addiction or self-harm will know the process of change takes time. In each case the old habits need to be desensitised and the new habit formed and embedded in long term memory for it to take effect.

What to do if you are a perpetrator
I have never worked with a perpetrator of abuse who did not start out as a victim. As a victim they learned the behaviours that led to become a perpetrator. I am sure there are perpetrators that were never victim but I have never met them.

If you are a perpetrator you are an addict, you are damaged and you need help. This starts with being honest with yourself followed by a visit to either a physician or a psychotherapist. Referral to specialist practitioners will normally follow.

When people started out as a victim this may be the reason that they now abuse, however this is not an excuse. There are no excuses for being an abuser.

What to do if you are a victim
Just as with perpetrators, victims, as adolescence or adults, were often victims as children. Or they are children who were brought up within abusive relationships and have developed and internal working model of the family or a relationship. If a child observes their mother being physically abused by their father this may become a learned habit. The person, as an adult may now seek out a partner who will do the same thing to them. This is, normally, unconscious and can only be addressed when it is brought into conscious awareness and seen as unacceptable behaviour. There will always be those who had wonderful childhoods and only discovered abuse later in life.

Whatever the case the victim may well need to begin their journey with a physician or a psychotherapist. If the perpetrator is controlling, or the victim fears disclosure the journey may need to begin in a more hidden way. This may begin with contacting a local or national help line, or finding a service on the internet.

Just as I said for perpetrators – There is no excuse for being a victim

That may seem a tough statement. Wherever you are in the abuse cycle the chances are that your situation will only get worse, it seldom gets better. It is always easier to do something now than it will be in the future.

If you recognise abuse in your life, if you are involved in it as either victim or perpetrator do something about it.

Take care and be happy, it is your basic human right

Sean x

What is Success?

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How do you define success and how do you measure it?

“Success is a term which gives you happiness and satisfaction. At the same time when you and others feel proud of you…”

“Achievement of an action within a specified period of time or within a specified parameter.”

If I follow the Ayurvedic model I could identify eight levels of success:

Physical success:
I guess reaching the top of a mountain would feel pretty successful, just like I feel when I run a set distance. Our relationship with our bodies can be full of pride or shame. I have seen many people full of success as the scales confirm their weight loss or the gym member proud of their six pack or their body beautiful. I also see people recovering from illness. The stroke patient who is talking or walking again. My favourite is the child learning to use their body as they develop the skills of speech and also of dexterity.

Social success:
This is often related to who you know, levels of acceptance and belonging. Are you one of us, or one of them? Being invited to the right place or event in the knowledge that you have made it in the social set is success. This may be an invitation to the local bingo club or the masonic lodge both are groups of people who see themselves as ‘us’ and all outsiders as ‘them’. At school were you invited to all the birthday parties or, on occasions, excluded? At work does you face fit? Are you on line for promotion? Or, do you not stand a chance of getting on where you are because you are simply not one of ‘us’? Success is in acceptance.

Intellectual success:
This may be academic so that you are loaded with letters after your name and have enough degrees to start your own thermometer. It could be that you have written seminal books, have articles and research papers published, appear in the media as the resident expert. When it is not academic it is the person with an intellect like a whetted knife that is so sharp and fast that they can win any debate or cut you down with their sarcastic wit.

Emotional success:
This comes in two forms.
The first is love and romance getting the right partner/lover/spouse. It could be the emotional fulfilment of motherhood or the successful charity worker.
The second is the business leader. It may be a market staff or a multinational company. Both love and business require passion, energy and commitment. Do you realise that most successful mothers would make good business people but they seldom realise it. Success is usually in the form of recognition and appreciation for their achievements

Mental/conceptual success:
This is the upstanding member of the community. The committee member, parish counsellor, youth club leader or even the bingo club organiser. They may be politicians, charity leaders, judges, police officers, teachers, doctors and so on. The church leaders and commissioners, colonel, those that are chosen for special recognition for their efforts the MBE, OBE, those recognised in the annual honours lost. At the top end we have people that would be seen as aristocracy, the monarch, lords, ladies and knights of the realm. Success is seen in the title and in the status of the position that the title gives.

Intuitive sensitive reflective success:
There is a personality type who tends to be quiet, who lives a more internalised existence and may even separate themselves from the rest of society in communities, monasteries, ashrams and so on. It may be strange to see meditation, or the ability to still the mind as the object of success. For these people success is in being good, positive, helpful, empathic, sensitive and attending to the needs of the world. Often it may be in a hermitage, in hours of prayer and dedication. Success is in the ability to live a good life being neither happy nor sad, in maintaining a state of simply ‘being’ where thoughts are seen as powerful as deeds and goodness, in all its forms, as a virtue.

Creative problem solving success:
The progress of human existence has been created and dictated by the collective creative imagination of human consciousness. The first and the most simple of all machines, the wheel, transformed every life from there on. The ability to make a cup of tea or put a man on the moon is the living success of the creative imagination. Creativity is seen in the arts, in all the artistic forms, in science, agriculture, industry, economics, sociology and psychology. Success in this area is the development and application of the genuine newness and originality of pure creativity.

Love, the ultimate success:
Love is the glue that holds all things together, just as hate is the force that blows all things apart. Love, in its pure form, steps over all boundaries of race, religion, ethnicity, class, gender, and orientation. In pure love all needs are met, no one ever goes short of anything. In love we have heaven on earth now. The success of love in human expression is when the lion sits down with the lamb, when the Catholics and the Protestants of Northern Ireland live in peace, when the Israelis and the Palestinians come to an agreement, when Islam and the rest of the world find an accommodation, when men and women see each other as equals. When all are one with the same value, we have the ultimate success, this is pure love.

What is success for you?
My definition of any person’s success is simply this:

If you can wake in the morning with a smile on your face feeling good about the day you are about to have and if you can go to bed at night feeling good about the day you have just had then, you are a successful person

To truly find your feelings of success you need to be honest with yourself and do things that make you feel good. The rule is that if it makes you feel good then do it if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. Happiness and success go together. If you are not happy you are not successful no matter how many possessions or how much money you have.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Big Lessons from Little People

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This week, on the podcast, Ed and I had a special guest, it was two year old Will, Ed’s son. It was great to have him with us for the morning so we decided to build the blog around our children in the sense of what is it that they teach us.

When I was a kid there was a lot of bible and I remember the phrase, something like, “you must become as a child to come unto me”. Now, I am not a religious person but the parables and stories from the old and New Testament, and the Koran and Tora, do make lost of psychological sense. The above phrase means to me that we need to develop the openness of a child to see, accept and understand something that is new and maybe wonderful.

Children have a magic capacity, as long as they are not abused, to greet each day and each new experience with wonder. The world in those early years is one of mystery, magic and discovery. Sure, there will be things that we experience that will hurt on some level and from these we learn as much as from those things that fill us with joy and happiness.

The key to being a child, and to being an active, growing, learning adult is openness. As soon as we stop the process of learning new things our brain goes into decline. We only produce new brain cells in response to new learning. No learning no new cells. No new cells and the brain is in decline and wearing out.

We have to remain open of heart and mind at all levels of our experience to remain young.

What new things have you learned this week?

The things that stop us growing are the limiters of experience, they are things that stop us doing things. Top of the list has to be fear and anxiety. However most of this is fed by negative expectation of the future which is a learned habit. Children have not yet formed habit like this.

The other limiters are things like prejudice when we prejudge other people or situations. Often this has an ‘us’ and ‘them’ component. We can make assumptions about people of different race, colour, religion, ethnicity, class, profession, the list is endless. As soon as we make assumptions we write a life script that limits our openness to life and what it has to teach us.

Perhaps the worst prejudice of all is to ourself. We limit ourself by our inner attitudes and feelings about who we are, what we look like, whether we see our self as clever or stupid, beautiful or ugly and so on.

If we are to live in the magic of being a child and allow our self to grow new brain cells that will keep us young and vital we need to STOP, then review who we are and ask why we believe or think and act the way that we do. We might just find that there is no basis for our beliefs and actions and that we might like to change.

The watch list

There are things to watch out for:

Limiting words are things like “ought, should, must, can’t, no…” These words should be avoided but when we hear ourself using them we should stop and question the underlying beliefs that created them and perhaps repeat what we just said but in positive terms.

Limiting behaviours: Stop doing everything the same way. If you create too many behavioural habit you simply become institutionalised into those behaviours. Walk to the shops a different way, change the day or time that you go to the gym, if you always have fish and chips on a Wednesday try having it on a Monday instead.

Listen to your mouth

The things that you say will limit your ability to change because when you hear yourself speaking you reinforce any negative thought patterns. Avoid phrases like “we always do it this way”, “we alway go there on a friday”, ‘It’s a known fact”.

Listen to your mind

Even when we don’t speak we can limit ourselves by what we think. The worst things to think are: “I am right and you are wrong”, “I know best”, “look here sonny when I was your age…” and so on.

Enjoy some newness

Do something new: Every week, or at least every month, do something new and different. Go to new places for your holiday, take up a new hobby, join a night class, learn a new language. Set yourself a challenge, run a marathon, jump out of a plane, learn to meditate, learn to swim.

Life long learning

This is what children teach us. If we keep learning we stay young. If we feel the joy and wonder of new experience we stay young. If we rid ourselves of prejudice and all preconceptions we stay young. If we are open hearted and trusting we stay young.

I’m up for life long learning and I hope that you are

Take care, stay young and be happy,

Sean x

Starting Over

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Starting Over

It is the time of year when the summer has been spent and autumn is upon us, time to prepare for the dark months.

The classic for most of us, is that we have been in the relaxed mode of the summer sun, taking it easy, maybe a holiday but over all that feeling of chilled relaxation. Chemically, in our brains, that means that the levels of adrenalin and cortisol are low. It is this that gives us the relaxed feeling. Adrenalin and cortisol get a lot of bad press as being part of the ‘stress hormones, which they are, though they are there for a reason and it is not all bad.

These hormones are the high octane fuel that propels our everyday lives. Without them we would do nothing, life would be completely manjana and leave until tomorrow. Once we get some fuel on board we get a crack on and we get things done.

When we get back from holiday work can seem tough, it can be hard to get going again. What we need is higher levels of hormones. The problem is that in the holiday phase when the levels are low we chill out and we feel refreshed and good. Once we have been back at work for a few weeks and the levels of adrenalin and cortisol have risen we feel like we have never been away and we are then looking forward to the next holiday.

Now, if the stress hormones are high and remain high they effect our body system. High blood pressure, aches, pains, headaches, migraines etc etc are all the product of stress. To live in the madness of the world we need to both be able to crank up the chemistry when we need it and also to be able to reduce the levels and relax when we don’t. It can be easy to get the levels high all we need to do is go to work and for most of us they will automatically come right up.

The trick has to be balancing this high octane fuel with the ability to lower the stress hormones and chill out.

Well, the way to do that is called fun. For some people fun is an active thing that might involve running about, dancing, racing and generally energising. For others it will be more passive activities that might include chill-axing, reading a book, going for a stroll, watching a movie, having a massage and so on. It doesn’t matter what it is, but what does matter is that you know what is fun for you and that you do it.

Do you have a work life balance?

The phrase ‘work life balance’ is banded around in organisations. What this means is getting the balance between your work life and your home life right, so that you are effective and happy in both. There is a third that we should consider and be aware of, this is our individual personal needs. There is a balance between the needs of the workplace, the needs of the family, and our own needs. When you get this right life can be fun.

When life is fun and the things that we do become a joy every Monday becomes a joy as we head back to work and every evening becomes a joy as we head home. When life is out of balance it does not work and we become unhappy.

This time, at the change of the seasons, it is good to have a quick audit of where we are up to, make some decisions about what we want and what we are going to do and then start over and have some fun.

So what is fun for you?

Take care

Sean x

Suicide & The Value of Life

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The death of Robin Williams has struck a chord and raised an issue that has, up to now, been mainly hidden. Middle aged suicides in both males and females has remained largely unaddressed.

This week Ed and I decided to dedicate the podcast to the sad loss of Robin who, apparently suffered depression, the onset of Parkinson’s Disease and had financial worries. Whatever it was that took him to the edge I guess there came a point where he could no longer see or feel the desire to carry on. I was both saddened and ashamed by my fellow human beings who felt the need to put him down via Tweets and Facebook. The idea that suicide is cowardice is held by those with little understanding or empathy and they can be forgiven for their ignorance, actually killing yourself is quite difficult and, in most cases requires determination and indeed courage.

What value do you give your life?

Have you ever considered ending it? I know from my work as a psychotherapist that people do seriously consider it. If you are reading this then you didn’t follow through with the idea, what happened? The decision to stay alive means that you had a reason, what was it, or is it?

Whatever the reason you have it represents the value that you give to your life. It is the meaning that you give to living and I guess it would follow that it is the value that you might give to the lives of others. So, as you read this perhaps you might consider that if life does have a value what are we/you doing to help other people value their’s? There is enough food on the planet to feed everyone yet everyday people die of hunger. There is enough food, enough water, enough love, enough ideas, there is an abundance of everything if we have the will to share it. We could have heaven on earth right now.

There is so much that we can do to help and support each other everyday in every way, it is in us choosing not to that we have suffering in the world. I do not know the individual circumstances of. Robin but I do know that their are many people around us right now that would benefit from a kind act, word or deed that may keep them from falling into the black pit of suicide.

I have stood on the edge of the black pit in life and each time I have made the choice to move back into the light. In doing the podcast with Ed and considering why this was I came to the conclusion that I am too nosey to kill myself. Imagine going to a library or a bookshop and buying a book only to find that someone had ripped out the last few pages so that you will never know how the story ends? For me life is like that. It has, sometimes, been tough, and sometimes very hard to keep going, but it has also been amazing, it has been a blast and the one thing that it has taught me is that by staying positive, being grateful for all that I have and, by being consistent and persistent in all my endeavours and my attempt to ‘get it right’ my life and my happiness grows. I want to know how my story ends.

I guess the other good lesson is this. If you really don’t like the story line of your life, if it is boring, depressing, anxiety provoking, meaningless or just not what you want, then, pick up your pen and write a story line that does meet your needs. And, if you have trouble finding your pen or thinking up a story line go and see someone like me. Talk it through play with ideas and then with persistence and consistence live a life you can love.

For me a successful life is simply waking with a smile on your face feeling good about the day you are about to live and, at the end of the day having a smile on your face feeling good about the day you have just lived. At that point your life has a value way beyond money and yet you will be the richest person alive.

Keep smiling be happy and enjoy the gift of life.

Take care,
Sean x

Food, Mood & Body Shape

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Fat is an emotional issue

In 1978 ‘Fat is a feminist issue‘ written by Susie Orbach. It encouraged women to look at their bodies and why they needed to look a certain way. This was especially important when women were renegotiating their position in western society and challenged the view that men had of the female form. Well, fat has moved on since then, or should I say has grown since then and has become an ever-bigger issue.

The western world is getting fatter. Britain is now the fattest country in Europe, but what does that mean, why is it happening? There are several ways of looking at this.

Protection
Fat forms a protective layer. Sometime people hide emotionally behind a layer of fat. There are three types of fat white, yellow and brown. Brown fat is dense, highly insulative and thin. This is found in those that are more athletic where they are lean, yet their bodies retain heat as well as bigger people.

Yellow fat is the halfway house between the white and brown and appears in most emotionally well balanced people. It is not as dense as the lean brown fat and gives a body a softer look and rounded curves.

White fat is more like loft insulation you need a lot of it to have its effect. Inches of soft white fat have the same insulative properties of the thinner yellow and brown fats. White fat develops from overeating and lack of exercise and is often related to emotional protection. It is as though the person is hiding behind the layer of fat.

I have often worked with women who feel that when they are big men leave them alone and when they are slim they get too much unwanted attention. But there is another issue that effects both men and women, it is the relationship between carbohydrates and depression.

Fat food and serotonin
In the podcast I mentioned the book, ‘Food and Mood’. The realisation that food effects how we feel and think has become current science. The bit that interests me is the carbohydrate cycle. We now know that when we eat comfort foods our brain secretes serotonin the happy hormone of wellbeing.

The carb cycle is when someone is feeling down and self medicates with carbs to make themselves feel better. Their subsequent weight gain makes them feel bad so they eat more carbs to feel better again and so the cycle goes on.

When I look at it this way I suspect that what were seeing is not simply that Britain is the fattest country in Europe but that it is the most depressed country in Europe. I am not sure what this says about the USA and their weight gain.

Other ways to get serotonin
Ok, so if we have a natural drive towards maintaining a level of serotonin in our brains that makes us feel good and creates our sense of wellbeing how else can we do it apart from comfort food?

Well, serotonin will be produced in response to pain which is the basis of self harming behaviours that lead to a sense of relief or well being, not recommended. Humour does the trick when you laugh so much that your face hurts. Sensitive and sensual sex does it. Though, top of the list is exercise. When you heart rate increases for about twenty minutes your brain responds by releasing the endorphins that make you feel really good and happy.

For me exercise is running. It takes about two kilometres for my brain to start to release it and then after twenty minutes it begins to flow. For other exercise may be keep fit, Zumba, gym sessions, energetic yoga, power walking, running up and down the stairs. Whatever it is, twenty minutes does the trick.

You need muscle to burn fat
Sometimes, when you have invested a lot in building your fat bank it can be difficult to shift it. This is because you need to be able to move muscle to burn the fat. This may mean doing muscle building exercises to develop the strength needed to then create an exercise regime that is able to deal with the fat. This can be a longer term issue that requires consistent and persistent determination to create success.

There is another issue worth looking at when considering your fat bank, it is Vitamin D. There is a bit of an argument taking place in the scientific world as to whether Vit D is a hormone or a vitamin. It doesn’t really matter, what is important is the effect Vit D deficiency can have on our systems. There are many disease and illness situations for which Vit D deficiency is the precursor. It is the psychological bit that interests me.

Vitamin D is the precursor of serotonin production in the brain. Vit D is produced in the skin in response to sunlight. This explains how seasonal affected Disorder SAD comes about. As the sunlight diminishes the level of serotonin drops as the level of Vitamin D drops. Our response in the winter is to eat more, generally carbs, that boost our serotonin and take us through the dark months until we get back to the light in the spring.

There appears to be a correlation between our collective paranoia about skin cancer, the increase in the use of sun creams, that can reduce the production of Vit D by over 90%, and the increase in weight of the British population. I could be bonkers but it would seem to me that if we allow ourselves more exposure to sunlight we might reduce our craving for carbs and lose some weight in the process.

Anyway, in considering your fat it starts with what you are eating and why you are eating it, whether you are exercising, if you are having some fun and maybe if you are getting enough sunlight on your skin.

All positive routes lead us towards happiness

Be happy

Sean x