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According to Wikipedia kindness is a behaviour marked by:

‘ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern for others. It is known as a virtue, and recognised as a value.’

Google defines kindness as:

‘the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate’.

How do you define it?

When I was a child I read the book ‘The Water Babies’ by Charles Kingsley. In the story there was a wonderful character called Mrs Do As You Would Be Done By. She ensured that whatever the children’s behaviour; it was reflected back to them. Later in my travels I discovered the laws of Karma and Dharma and the concept that ‘what goes around comes around’.

If the law of karma is real then we have a vested interest in treating other people well, on the basis that we will also be treated this way. This can make acts of kindness and altruism begin to sound too calculated though, in terms of social stability, in any community or group of people, treating others fairly means that I will be treated fairly as well.

In Ayurvedic psychology acting positively and serving the needs of others without expecting anything in return is termed ‘Bhakti’. People such as Ghandi, Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela, amongst many others, would fall into this category. People who have given of themselves without great reward or aggrandisement. You will probably know of people in your life or community who have been Bhakti.

Kindness or treating other people fairly and well is enshrined in most religions and philosophies. In the Ayurvedic and Hindu worlds acting in the right way is termed dharma.

‘The word “dharma” has multiple meanings depending on the context in which it is used. These include: conduct, duty, right, justice, virtue, morality, religion, religious merit, good work according to a right or rule, etc. Many other meanings have been suggested, such as law or “torah” (in the Judaic sense), “logos” (Greek), “way” (Christian) and even ‘tao” (Chinese).’

Though there is no équivalent word for dharma in the Western lexicon.

‘Dharma has the Sanskrit root dhri, which means, “that which upholds” or “that without which nothing can stand” or “that which maintains the stability and harmony of the universe.” Dharma encompasses the natural, innate behaviour of things, duty, law, ethics, virtue, etc. Every entity in the cosmos has its particular dharma — from the electron, which has the dharma to move in a certain manner, to the clouds, galaxies, plants, insects, and of course, man. Man’s understanding of the dharma of inanimate things is what we now call physics.’

For me, psychological or spiritual dharma is to act in the right way, in every situation all the time. An ideal to aim for though hard to achieve. This is what we in ‘live in the present’ term mindfulness. To be mindful in the moment, to be aware of yourself and the other people around you means that you can do nothing but act in the right way, which is to act with kindness. Being mindful, being positive, being kind and being happy are all facets of the same attitude of mind and way of being.

Kindness is in the same spectrum as love. It is part of the positive forces that brings people together, solves problems and creates happiness.

However you would express your acts of kindness, it would be good if we could all spend the day being consciously kind.

Be happy.

Sean x

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Do you ever feel like you have lost the will to carry on, or have no energy to get going? Why is it that some people seem to have boundless energy while others have none at all?

At Live In The Present we run courses and therapy for people that wish to change some aspect of their life. For some this is easier than for others who can find it the hardest thing in the world. When the going gets tough what is needed is will power, but what is it?

Well, ‘power’, as an engineer would define it, is ‘the ability to do work’. Engines and motors are all rated by their ability to complete the task required, they have a power rating. Power, when associated to us is a our ability to complete the task before us. For some the task will be a problem and for others a challenge.

When the task is seen as a challenge it is easier to face and overcome. Challenges can normally be related to plans and strategies that take us to the solution. When the task is seen as a problem it all becomes so much more difficult to deal with. At this point people commonly become stuck, demotivated, lose direction and, often give up. This is where the willpower comes in.

A quick Google of ‘Will’ results in…

1. the faculty by which a person decides on and initiates action.”she has an iron will”
2. synonyms: determination, firmness of purpose, fixity of purpose, will power, strength of character, resolution, resolve, resoluteness, purposefulness, single-mindedness, drive, commitment, dedication, doggedness, tenacity, tenaciousness, staying power, backbone, spine

At LITP we describe ‘Will’ as persistence and consistence towards a defined goal.

The goal might be physical, social, intellectual, emotional, financial, business etc,etc, absolutely anything, there are no limits. Here are some tips that might help you get your head around willpower,

1: Set a goal

To achieve anything you need to be clear about what it is that you want or where you are going. The lack of clarity at the outset will often lead to failure. The clearer the goal the easier the result. If your answer to the question “what do you want?” is “I want to be happy” this will not work for you, it is too vague. To be clear you have to know what it looks like, feels like, smells like, what colour it is, what shape it is.

Tip: Write your goal as a sentence or descriptive paragraph. If you can explain it clearly to another person then you will know what it is.

2: Resources

What do you need? Resources may include ideas and images, plans and organisation, money and other practical resources, market testing to make sure that it works, and the physical manifestation of the idea in the physical world. It is important to realise that other people are also resources.

Tip: Write it all down and share it with someone else. perhaps a mentor.

3: Plan

A plan is like creating a route that describes your journey to your destination. But plans are never set in stone. A good plane is flexible and can adapt to changes and unforeseen challenges.
Tip: To move a project from idea to goal requires a plan. By using mind maps , spider/Venn diagrams are a good way of setting out your ideas on a flat piece of paper that can then be moved into a plan.

4: Mentorship

There is no need to reinvent the wheel. On the basis that you can do things the easy way or the hard way learning from other people’s mistakes can make it much easier. If you talk to other people, use a mentor or a coach you can save your self so much time, avoid making mistakes and allow someone else to feed your will.

Tip: You will be amazed at the people who will be prepared to help you. All you have to do is ask. Many people will help you for free some, such as coaches, will charge a fee. You may have someone in mind already, you may need to talk to people and ask around.

5: Stay focussed

The ability to remain on task will normally mean the ability to live in the present. That requires that you let go of the past and stop worrying about the future. In short, this is the contents of the LITP book. On a daly basis we recommend that you use Mindfulness to enhance your ability to stay focussed, this means some ‘zoning’ time every day. The ‘Mindfulness Toolkit’ from the LITP site will be of use to you especially the ‘morning focus’ and the ‘evening review’.

Tip: Take time out every day to clear and focus your mind. We also recommend headspace.com and One moment meditation on you tube.

6: Stay Motivated

Everyone on every project will find times when their energy has gone or is very low so that it is really hard to get going or keep going. So, build this into your time line and your plan so that you have extra time to take it easy when you need to. Look after yourself, take time out and make sure you have some fun. ‘Down time’ is often a good time to review and audit where you are up to and to decide if things need to change or adapt.

Tip: Expect to need some ‘down time’, allow for the fact that you will need to take breaks and have fun.

7: Get Networked

Every week groups of people meet to network. These are often business groups but there are other interest groups like writers groups or self help groups. These are really useful to keep you motivated, focussed and on track.

Tip: Google your area and find groups of people that you can network with.

8: Get The WillPower Habit

Willpower, like every other behaviour that we have, is a habit. A habit is something that we do without thinking about it, we just do it. If your habit is to keep going, despite the challenges, then it is simply what you do. We know that to develop a habit takes an initial 30 days of consistent and persistent activity. This creates new brain cells that is the neural circuit that is the new habit. However, to get this habit into longterm memory so that it is there for ever takes a further 60 days. To create the will power habit takes 90 days of persistent, consistent behaviour.

We often think that willpower is a magical ability that only a few have. The reality is that we all have willpower once we tap into it. Anyone can contact their will power as an everyday habit by working persistently and consistently towards a given goal. perhaps that last thing to say is that keeping fit, eating well, limiting alcohol and caffeine and, getting enough sleep will aid you in your task.

Take care

Sean x

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Sean and Ed did a podcast on how to be alone and it got me thinking. So here is my offering for those of you facing Christmas alone, with thanks and credit to David Harkins.

It starts around the beginning of November, maybe earlier. It is the same each year and there is no escape. Christmas ads on the TV, decorations being put up in the shops and houses lit up like Blackpool illuminations. Everyone asks each other ‘What are you doing for Christmas this year?’

This question can cause feelings of panic and desperation for someone who has lost a loved one in the last year, or lost a relationship that was important to them. I love Christmas and everything about it especially being with the people I love. Don’t get me wrong it also used to be filled with stressing myself out, trying to have everything perfect for the big day. Then I started working in a cancer centre and the meaning of Christmas (and life really) changed.

Suggestions for facing Christmas without a loved one:

DO try to talk to your friends and family. They will be grateful if you tell them what you need as they care about you and will be conscious of your loss. Just because they don’t mention it, it doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they don’t know what to say and are afraid of upsetting you.

DO try to schedule time in the day to perform a small ritual in memory of your loved one. Light a candle, look at some happy photos, and tell others of a happy memory that you shared. Shed a tear, but be grateful for the time you had them with them and focus on this rather than their absence in your future.

DO try to plan at least one thing during the day just for YOU. Be selfish. If you want to watch your favourite TV programme with a glass of wine, or go for a walk to a favourite spot or indulge in your favourite treat, make sure you are able to plan this into your day and visualise it and look forward to it. Your loved one wouldn’t want you to feel miserable all day.

DO try to ask for support from friends. If you must be alone, ask a friend to call you at a set time so you can share a favourite memory of your absent loved one.

DON’T be a martyr. Tell people how you feel, and how difficult this Christmas will be for you. Don’t expect people to read your mind or intuitively know what you need. If you haven’t had an invite try asking someone if you can pop in during the day. Your true friends will be more than happy to help and support you through this difficult time.

DON’T beat yourself up if you feel sad and depressed or cry; know that this is completely normal and that the first Christmas will be the worst. Look into the future and believe that it will get easier. If you feel really desperate don’t forget you can always call ‘The Samaritans’ on 08457 90 90 90 or cruse on 0844 477 9400. if you just want an ear at the end of the phone. It is not weak to reach out for help. You are grieving and you are in pain.

DO try and find an inspirational reading or poem that you can read during the day if you feel down. Choose this in advance and know that it will lift your spirits if things get too bad; this is your back up plan.

DO enjoy a Christmas drink, but avoid numbing your pain with alcohol. This will just make you feel worse in the long run. Have a glass or two, but know your limit.

DO try to have FUN. I know this is the last thing you want to hear but all the clichés are true, ‘Life goes on’ and ‘life is for the living’. Above all think about if your loved one would want you to have fun. I don’t feel it is disrespectful to laugh during your darkest times; sometimes it is the only way to survive.

DO celebrate when you get to the end of the day; you took control and not only survived, you found some pleasure in the day, and you will enjoy many more Christmas days and create new special memories as well as always remembering the special times you shared with your loved one.

An inspirational poem by David Harkins

He is Gone

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on

David Harkins

I will make sure I find some quiet time in the day to reflect and be grateful for all the years I had with my Nan & Grandad. As I face the rest of my life without their physical presence I try to keep their memories alive.

I will find ten things that I am grateful for in my life today (everyday i try to find at least three) and make a commitment to myself that I will make the best life possible because I know only to well how precious life is.

I wish you all a Happy Christmas and Healthy New Year.

Much Love

Rie x

Do you or anyone that you know suffer or suffered from depression or anxiety? If so, do you know what the underlying symptoms are?

The use of medication, to reduce anxiety and to lift depression, has become common place to the point where many of them are in our supply of drinking water. These come from either people flushing unwanted medication down the toilet or the natural excretion of the medications in our urine.

In the UK we currently write some 46 million prescriptions a year for antidepressants. Is all this medication really needed?

With both anxiety and depression we need to take into account the ‘clinical’ aspects and the psychological aspects. To be clinically depressed or anxious means that the body chemistry is mis-functioning. Just as when the pancreas is not working properly and we would take insulin to balance the system or with the thyroid when we correct the imbalance with thyroxin. The same is also true with depression so that in the brain, at the pituitary end of things, we may need to regulate levels of serotonin chemically. When depression is not clinical it is described as ‘reactive’.

Reactive Symptoms

Having made that distinction, the levels of clinical depression are relatively low. The vast majority of depressions are reactive. This means that an experience or an event has created a chain of reactions that have led to the development of symptoms that can, if not treated by psychotherapy, become the learned habits that eventually are described as our behaviour. People say to me “it’s just the way I am” and I say “no, it is how you have learned to be”.

Reactive Anxiety

In anxiety we are projecting forward into images and ideas of a negative future that may never happen and living those idea in the present as though they are happening right now. This means that we imagine a negative scenario and our body systems act out the images as though they are happening in the present. Our body chemistry, fight and flight endorphins, are firing off into our blood stream to face a foe, or situation that does not and may never exist.

Reactive Depression

Unlike anxiety, that looks forwards, depression looks backwards, replaying past events in the present as though they are still happening now. Where as anxiety powers up our chemical system, depression, as the name implies, depresses our chemical system and we become flat and inert. In depression our energy levels drop and we do less and less. Often we find the need to withdraw from the world and we can easily become agoraphobic.

What is depression telling us?

Needless to say happiness and depression do not generally go together. And yet, it could be that, depression may just be something that we should celebrate! If we look behind the depression what is depression telling us?

In the eastern approaches to psychotherapy depression is not always seen as something to be avoided or masked with medication. Rather it is seen as a sign that something in our life is wrong or out of balance. If used creatively depression can be a time of review and re-evaluation when we are able to take stock of things and get our lives back on track.

It is ok to take medication

Accepting that clinical depression concerns chemical imbalance that can only really be treated with medication. It seems strange that we are often embarrassed by the need for taking medication to regulate our mood. According to the World Health Organization, depression affects just over 120 million people worldwide. At least one fifth of the UK population will suffer from depression at some point in their lifetime. However, as well as using medication the symptoms of clinical depression will be diminished and often controlled using psychotherapy particularly using mindfulness techniques.

Causes of reactive depression

In most cases of depression the sufferer feels a victim to circumstance and subsequently feel helpless and unable to deal with or change their situation. Depression strikes us most easily when we experience that something or someone else is writing our life script. It might be that we experience loss, divorce, redundancy, or an accident. Perhaps we have a bullying manager or partner. The economy has collapsed and maybe we are about to lose the house. Maybe we have been diagnosed with an illness or perhaps our partner has. Whatever the issue the one sure thing is that we have lost control and with it self determination.

The magic of depression

This is where the eastern approach comes into its own. The person who is able to engage in therapy and, begins to understand and resolve the issues that are underpinning their symptoms, becomes very powerful indeed. Through the therapeutic process the person learns how to write their own life script, the life that they want, rather than being a bit part player in other peoples.

When people engage with their depression, rather than burying it with medication, it can become a truly life altering event. Human beings were designed with the creativity to solve problems, any problems.

Act in the present

The warning sign is when you are waking in the mornings not wanting to get out of bed and engage in the world. When this happens for too many days together, don’t delay, get into therapy as soon as you can. If you need some medication to hold you up while you do the therapeutic work that is fine, and is how the medication was designed to be used.

Most importantly learn to pick up the pen of life and write your own script. In your life story you should be the hero/heroine. All good stories have happy endings.

Take care, be happy and live in the present,

Sean x

Procrastination is an emotional barometer. It tells you whether what you are doing is what you should be doing. It will help you discover what it is that you really want from your life.

Imagine that when you wake you are about to go and do something that makes you feel good. Would you have trouble getting out of bed? No!

Now, imagine that you are waking to a day full of things that you don’t want to do. Will you have problems getting out of be? Sure you will. We often see procrastination as a bad thing but it might just be that our need to procrastinate is our system trying to tell us something.

The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up.
Author Unknown

In the West we tend to be driven by what is termed ‘the Protestant work ethic‘. Most people work long hours to the exclusion of family, friends and their own life and fulfilment. Yet very few people actually enjoy their work life. I’ve worked with thousands of people who wake on a Monday filled with the dread at the thought of another week at work. They would rather be doing anything else. Procrastination does not always mean to do nothing, doing something else instead is often termed ‘displacement‘.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Robert Benchley

Displacement activity is something that you do to avoid doing what you don’t want to do, or a way of dealing with a difficult situation. For example a rabbit that is cornered and is about to be eaten by a fox and knowing there is no escape will displace this energy of fear into the activity of washing itself.

Charlotte suggests that displacement activity might actually be productive and fun.

In psychology, procrastination refers to the act of replacing more urgent actions with tasks less urgent, or doing something from which one derives enjoyment, and thus putting off impending tasks to a later time.

The clue in this definition is ‘enjoyment’. The protestant work ethic goes alongside ideas like, ‘life is hard’, ‘life is earnest’ and ‘everyone has their cross to bear’.

Well I don’t buy any of that. Life should be fun and life should be fulfilling. It seems that we have no problem finding the energy to do things that we do want to do, things that make us feel good. While, those things that we don’t want to do sap our energy and take away our motivation.

My approach to life is that when I feel the need to procrastinate or displace, I look at, and enjoy the process, whilst at the same time I look at what I need to do with my life so that I feel engaged and connected and restore the balance between what I need to do and what I want to do. This is often described as ‘work life balance‘. Ed and I will be talking about this topic in one of our soon to be released audio podcasts.

Ultimately, if you are living the life that you really want the issues of procrastination and displacement do not exist because you are enjoying and fulfilling yourself in the present moment so that getting out off bed on any day (even Monday!) is never a problem.

The best way to get something done is to begin.
Author Unknown

That comes back to what do you really, really, really want to do with your life. Until you answer this question you will be forever procrastinating and displacing. Becoming aware of when and why you procrastinate will help you answer the question of what do you really want?

Take care and live in the present,
Sean x