New Beginnings Require Endings

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Our collective psyche is filled with the idea that one thing follows another, when someone dies and then a baby is born we see it as an ending and a beginning. We say things like ‘when one door closes another one opens’. The magical idea of endings and beginnings is with us throughout life. In the past, I feel, that we were better at marking these rites of passage as we moved from one stage to another in life.

So here we are at another New Year, another new beginning, it is 2015

Happy New Year!!!

To get into, and to get the most benefit from 2015 you will need to let go of 2014 to enable you to move onto your desired present. Too many of us drag our negative baggage around year after year, long after we should have just let it all go. The bottom line is that baggage wears us down, saps our energy and our joy and stops us moving forward. Holding onto the past often creates a state of depression.

So my suggestion to you, is that before you step into the New Year, take some time and review all that has happened in this last year. Acknowledge it all. All that was good and all that was bad. Don’t question it or worry about it, write it down, a list of the goods and a list of the bad. And then with as much love as you can muster let all the negative stuff go. You might need to burn the list and watch it turn into smoke.

It is useful, though often difficult, to appreciate that even the worst possible disasters and traumas that we endure teach us things and enable us to grow. If we have the ears to hear and eyes to see things all that we learn is never bad, they are all ways of us learning about who we are and what we need. In that sense nothing bad can ever happen to us, unless we allow our self to see it that way.

So before you even think about New year resolutions and what you will do in the future, how about you make a decision to let go of the past. Time to put it down?

Ok, so now you can step into the New Year, into your new future, unencumbered by the past.

Happy New year.

Take care

Sean x

Pause for thought!

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Our collective psyche is filled with the idea that one thing follows another; when someone dies and then a baby is born, we see it as an ending and a beginning. We say things like, “when one door closes, another one opens”. The magical idea of endings and beginnings is with us throughout life. In the past, I feel that we were better at marking these rites of passage as we moved from one stage to another in life.

When I am working with people, I see it as so very important that they are able to let go of what has been, to enable them to move on to their desired present. Too many of us drag our baggage around year after year, long after we should have just let it all go. The bottom line is that baggage wears us down and stops us moving forward, and creates states of depression.

So my suggestion to you is that, before you step into the New Year, you review all that has happened in this last year, acknowledge it all, the good and the bad, do not question it or worry it, just let it go with as much love as you can muster. Even the worst possible disasters and traumas teach us things if we have ears to hear and eyes to see, and things that we learn are never bad. In that sense, nothing bad can ever happen to us, unless we allow it to.

So before you even think about New Year resolutions and what you will do in the future, how about you make a decision to let go of the past. Time to put it down and Live in the Present.

Happy New Year. Let’s make it a belter.

Take care,

Sean x

The True Meaning of Christmas

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Christmas is here – bring on the light

What will it be like for you this year?

Is it a religious commemoration, a coming together of family and friends, a joyful time for children and young people, a time for giving and receiving, time to let your hair down and have a jolly? Office parties, champagne and chestnuts roasting on an open fire?

For some it may not be such a good time. Perhaps we have the awareness that there are those who are no longer with us. Christmas can be a time of loss and bereavement. It may be that there is really no one left and that you have no choice but to spend the day alone. Christmas can be an unhappy time.

For Christians Christmas is the festival that commemorates the birth of Christ, hence the mass for Christ. However, the previous belief systems had festivals that were celebrated at this time of year and existed long before the birth of Jesus. The festivals at this time of year were acknowledging the end of the longest night and the start of the lengthening day. It is the concept, often referred to is both religious, and psychological texts, as a time when we are coming out of the darkness into the light.

These celebrations of the darkness of winter turning toward the light of spring was the solstice for the Druids and Yule for the pagans. Though the timings are slightly different the same concept is there for Hindus in Diwali, the festival of light, and in Islam there is Ramadan and Eid.

Christianity piggy backed on the Solstice festivals to create the celebration of Christmas. Most authorities suggest that the birth of Jesus was actually later than December 25th.

But, whatever you are celebrating at this time of year, it may be a religious or pagan or simply the celebration of the coming together of family and friends, not unlike the gypsy horse fair, it is a time for the connection of people and the acknowledgement of society, community and, humanity.

Getting into the spirit of good will

At this time of year in the run up to Christmas people tell me how they will be required to spend the day, perhaps sitting around the dinner table, with people that the don’t like. This is where the good will comes in. It may take all your powers of forgiveness and your ability to live the law of allowing. That is, allowing people to be what they are and not needing them to be different or what you want them to be.

If you haven’t already go onto YouTube and listen to “Dominique the Donkey”. It might make you laugh or get stuck rattling around your head like a pea in a tin. When you are with someone who is driving you round the bend just sing it to yourself in your head and smile.

If you can, have a good one.

Take care

Sean x

What to do when you’ve been betrayed

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The concepts of betrayal come from the idea of trust, which we have spoken about before. Trust is, at least for me, a concept that cannot be maintained. Trusting people shackles them to a set of behaviours and the assumption that they will never change and be forever constant in what we want them to be, this is seldom possible. People change, develop and grow with time and are never the same from one day to the next. The people that we trust the most, and therefore assume that they will not let us down are family and friends.

If you have been following our work at Live In the Present you will understand our emphasis on the need for forgiveness to minimise the negative effects of when trust breaks and people let us down. Though, for many, it can be hard to let go of negative attachments especially when the person has been close or is family.

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend”
(William Blake)

Betrayal is loss of trust with knobs on. Betrayal seems one whole size bigger than trust, in that, the word betrayal suggest, to me, that someone has deliberately gone out of their way to do something to me that is injurious to either me or my reputation.

Betrayal can be totally destructive and is something that we might expect from our enemies but not from our family or friends. When the betrayer is close to us the effect is all the much greater. Many people that I work with, often when going through a relationship break up, would say that the only true betrayal is from someone that has been loved, cherished, respected and trusted.

“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies”
(daily quote)

Betrayal, in the sense of being let down, or letting down, comes in a few varieties. (thefreedictionary.com)

1. Treason is to aid an enemy of one’s nation, friend, family, company and so on or to be a traitor or to betray one’s country. In many countries treason remains a capital offence. The phrase “My enemies enemy is my friend” suggests to me that treason is in the eye of the beholder in the same way that “one persons terrorist is another persons freedom fighter”. It depends which side you are on as to whether you feel that the person is either a traitor or a hero.

2. The role of the spy is always that of betrayal, depending on which side you are on they will be hero or foe. The spies role is in discovering or handing over information or, to expose, a nation, company, or a friend, treacherously to an enemy. This sounds very grand and a bit 007, but treachery can be equally true of the gossip network in any group. Back biting and “stabbing people in the back” can be found in many social settings and are often the negative reactions of opposing group as ‘us’ and ‘them’. Do you belong or don’t you? Are you in or out? Once social groupings are established “Those who are not for us are against us”. Gossip often includes sharing secrets and confidences behind someone’s back which is often seen as betrayal and treachery.

3. To have an affair, or to engage in other infidelities, is to break a promise that has been agreed between us. It is to be disloyal to the trust that has been placed in us by our partner. Those relationships that are “solemnised” in Church or Registry Office are recorded contracts accompanied by verbal declarations and promises of intent. To break the terms of such contracts is a legal matter, marriage is, after all, a legal business, but the betrayal that is so painful is emotional and may never be resolved. Perhaps our partner strays or leaves us for another unintentionally, it just happened like in the song “Twenty Four Hours from Tulsa”. Deliberate seduction is a different matter.

4. To seduce someone and then forsake them is more common than we think. Seduction is not just a sexual event. It is what happens to us when we visit the car showroom and walk out with the car that we never intended to buy. The sales person made us feel, if only for a while, that we were so important and had the knack of making us feel so good that we fell in the heat of the moment and was consumed by their passion. Of course once we re-enter the showroom and they have had their wicked way with us and have nothing more to gain, we are treated completely differently we have ceased to be their love object we have been rejected in their betrayal.

5. The “let down” is when someone has disappointed our expectations. Perhaps they promised us that they would do something for us, complete a task, look after us in some way and then we find that they have not done it. What they said, what they promised was all hot air and, worst of all we discover that they never intended to do it in the first place. Just like the perfect conman they looked us in the eye and with total narcissism they lied and we believed them. Where I came from this was described as “being taken up the cleaners”.

I could go on and on but I think you get the point. For me betrayal is distrust with intent. The person meant it to happen it was a deliberate act that was designed for either their gain or our loss. Betrayal is the ultimate act of hurt and hatred, (is “hurtred” a word? If not it should be).

Anyway, if you go back to step one in the Live In the Present book it begins with forgiveness. The only way out of hate and hurt and the after effects of betrayal is forgiveness. It is then that you can let it go.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

The Ups and Downs of Retail Therapy

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Money, money, money

Spend, spend, spend

Money makes the world go round! Or so they say.

Money is a fantasy. It doesn’t actually exist. The piece of paper, the token, that we call a note, is just that. It is a piece of paper. Every bank note, in every country, has some kind of statement that implies that the token has a value, “I promise to pay the bearer on demand the sum of…” yet if you go to the Bank of England and ask for your pounds they will probably think that you are mad. The basis of money is that we, as society, agree that the token, the note, has a value that we all agree to maintain.

The need to use money tokens to get beyond the problems of barter became an essential. After all if I am buying your chicken and I want to trade my cow how will you give me my change? Anyway, we all use money, often in the form of credit, to create a pool of energy that we can exchange for goods and services, and Christmas means spend, spend, spend.

If you follow our blogs and the podcasts you will realise the importance of the relationship between various addictive issues/substances and the production of dopamine in the brain and, guess what, money is the same. The need to spend money is a dopamine addiction.

Dopamine is known as ‘the love drug’. It is produced by the pleasure centres in the brain and creates a feeling of happiness, euphoria. It is these feelings that we crave and become addicted to.

When we crave a ‘love object’ that we just need to buy, our brain is telling us that it needs a squirt of dopamine. But dopamine is a fickle friend. As soon as we achieve our love object, as soon as we buy what we were craving, the drive for dopamine ceases and the love object becomes yesterday’s news.

Have you ever craved to buy something, perhaps spending many weeks or months saving the money, and then at last you buy it. It may be your flavour of the month for a little while but soon these feelings wear off. The problem is that because of you addictive habit your brain now craves more dopamine you will now need a new love object to get it going again. More spend, spend, spend.

Advertisers know this and, like Apple, will change their designs and specifications to keep the dopamine needs of their followers flowing. No one really needs to continually update devices at the rate that the market dictates and yet the majority buy into it. Sales people and teams understand this and their sales techniques are designed to get our juices flowing, to increase the flow of dopamine.

In big stores the lighting, the music and the displays all are designed to create more dopamine and, to create the need to have, to own and, to buy.

When your expenditure exceeds your income, on a regular basis, and you are not living in poverty, then you are probably addicted to retail therapy. What that means is, that like all addicts, you have trained your brain to connect an activity, in this case spending money, to the production of dopamine in your brain’s pleasure centres.

Just as there is nothing wrong with having the occasional blowout on booze there is nothing wrong with having the occasional spend fest. It is all a matter of proportion. It is when it is out of proportion that it becomes a problem and that means therapy. When you have a problem do something about it, see someone, talk, seek help.

Overall when it comes to money the deal is…

Love people and use money, do not, love money and use people…

Be happy and spend responsibly with joy.

Sean x

Where Art Though, Happiness?

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I have come to the clear conclusion that when we feel both happiness or unhappiness it is a matter of choice. Many people have become angry with me when I suggest this. They will tell me that I don’t know what I am talking about, that if I had to deal with their problems or live their life I would realise that it is different for them. They will say that they are not unhappy by choice and that it is due to the bad hand that life has dealt them or, the negative behaviour of other people in their life.

My experience in my work and my life leads me to believe this to be untrue…

…no one is ever effected by what happens to them…they are effected by how they respond to what happens to them.

In life we will always face difficult situations and difficult people. It might be that these people are family or even parents. They might be partners or siblings. Yet the same principle holds true.

No one can make us unhappy without our permission.

We do not have to stay with people, to remain in difficult situations, jobs, or social groups. You can do and be whatever you choose to be, and that is the rub.

Most people are not happy because they do not know what they want

When I ask people what they want, what they really, really want, they will normally say “I just want to be happy”. Sadly, that is not good enough. To create happiness you need to be specific about what happiness means to you. This often takes a great deal of thought and honesty with yourself. For many of us the concept that we can choose happiness is a concept too far.

The English language is full of phrases that are designed to get us to put up with what we have rather than go for what we truly want. Behind each phrase is a concept that tends to dictate behaviour.

“Better the devil you know”

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”

“A Leopard can’t change it’s spots”…and so on.

When we use these types of phrases it often means that we are settling for second best and maybe even unhappiness.

The bottom line is that each of us, moment by moment, make decisions, not just about what we do and what we think but also about how we feel. When we become emotionally literate we are able to decide how we will feel about the events that we experience. When we choose to see problems as challenges, and challenges as learning points, we can choose to change unhappiness into happiness.

Take care and choose to be happy

Sean x

Can Empathy be (Re)Learned?

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There are three emotional states that exist when we connect with other people in a way where we can, or we think we can, feel what they are experiencing. Different people will define these word, feelings, or emotions, differently so let me begin with my own definitions so that it is clear what I am talking about.

Sympathy
This is the weakest of three emotions and probably the most common. It is that part of us resonates with what we experience. For example when we watch a movie we may become emotional or tearful through either the joy or hurt by what we are seeing. What is happening is that unresolved emotions within us are vibrating in sympathy to what we see. Other people who do not have the same sympathetic emotions within them will not resonate in the same way. Equally someone else may become upset by something that has no effect on us whatsoever.

Often people will attempt to stop their sympathetic emotion because it is too painful. An example of this would be when someone is upset or crying and we cannot cope with it so we make him or her a cup of tea and attempt to shut them up. Our need to shut down their emotion is because we cannot deal with it in ourself.

Empathy
This is when we have also experienced the same or a similar situation so that we can feel another’s hurt or the emotion. We have no need to close it down because it is not unresolved within us. If anything our empathy and empathic responses will allow the person to get more upset so that they are able to release and resolve their inner emotions. Empathy and empathic interventions are often employed in psychotherapy as interventions to enable the person to get better.

When a self-help group gets together it is empathy at work. The individual members begin to see that they are not alone and that other people actually know and understand their situation and how they feel.

It is often said that to be empathic you need to have walked in someone else’s shoes for a while to know exactly how they feel.

Intuition
This is a completely different kettle of fish because intuition is something that is way beyond cognitive understanding. It is knowing, without knowing. When you know something but have no logical knowledge to base your knowledge on.

Perhaps you are moved to contact a friend living on the other side of the world who, it turns out, is ill or unhappy and yet for some reason beyond logic you were aware of the need to get in touch. Or, you simply walk into a room and know that something is wrong. You are the one who goes up to some one to inquire how they are, if they are ok, while others have been oblivious to the fact that something is wrong.

Ok, so, these three forms of emotional connection are at play all the time but not within everyone. Most people can use sympathy, some people can use empathy but only a few people have intuitive awareness. But, this blog is about empathy and the question that it raises is can empathy be learned?

Can Empathy Be Learned?
The short answer is ‘yes’ however, you need a good imagination. When you have not experienced exactly, or even remotely, what another person has, it is still possible to feel their emotion through having a fluid imagination that can replicate their situation within your mind and your emotions.

Imagined Empathy
If you have ever hit your thumb with a hammer or stubbed your toe, then you can understand the feeling of pain. If you can use your imagination to increase that to the feeling of being hit by a truck you are using imagined empathy. If you have experienced the bereavement or loss of anything, person, animal or favoured possession you can use imagined empathy to feel the loss of a parent or a child. If you have ever felt prolonged hunger you can use imagined empathy to feel the effects of starvation.

Listening Empathy
The key to developing imagined empathy is the ability to listen well, this is known in psychotherapy as ‘active listening’. When we are able to actively listen we can hear what the other person is saying, experiencing or feeling, without allowing the noise from our own feeling to get in they way. When we are actively, listening we know that what we are feeling ‘their’ stuff and not ‘ours’.

Empathy Killers
So what kills empathy? Diminishing, discounting or demeaning other peoples experience about sums it up. We do this by not listening or by devaluing what other people are saying or feeling. But the real killer is when we assume that we know what someone is talking about without listening to them. When this happens we start telling them our story rather than listening to theirs. Or we say things like “you think that is bad just listen to what happened to me”.

So the punch line is if you want to be empathic, listen and use your imagination. And if you are not sure check out if what you are feeling is correct. You can do this by simply saying “was it like this…?” or “it sounds like you were feeling…?”

Last point
Creativity and empathy are close bed fellows. If you have empathy then you will probably have a good imagination, and if you have a good imagination you will probably be able to be empathic.

Take care, be happy and keep listening

Sean x

Change, Loss and Moving On

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Loss assumes that we own something. We cannot lose what we do not have or own. This may seem obvious when we are talking about losing a watch or having a wallet stolen, if our house is burgled or the contents of car taken. Yet, there are many levels of loss that are not material. They may be to do with love or emotion, though with these things we may also feel some ownership.

Status and our sense of self
The loss of face, position or status can leave us feeling diminished or that we have lost something. This is because we tend to define ourselves by what we ‘do’ rather than by who we ‘are’. At the dinner party we turn to the person next to us and ask “what do you do?” This sense of ‘doing’ is often regarded above ‘being’. We tend to value ourself and others by what we do. In your value system is a surgeon of higher status than a dustman?

The way that we see ourselves as a list of what we do tends to come out of when we answer the question “Who am I?” In most cases the answer will comprise this list of the things that we do or the roles that we play. When what we do is seen as more important than who we are things like retirement become big issues of loss because we no longer have a place and a role in society, we have lost our label.

The loss in change
This is why there is often a sense of loss when life changes. The rites of passage as we move through life from, school to, university, job, relationship, children, grandchildren, retirement and so on all describe the loss that is the past and may, to the awake mind, embrace the potential gains of the future that can only come with change.

Change by choice
When we chose to change we may move joyfully towards a new situation. Perhaps the past has not served us well and we are happy or even eager to leave it behind. However, even during the most positive of changes, it likely that there will still be a sense of loss from the broken connections to the past

Imposed change
To have change enforced on us through redundancy, dismissal, divorce, accident, illness and so on will often leave us feeling anger and resentment to those people or circumstances that have brought about the change. Imposed change may effect what we do or what we can do. If we have an accident or a stroke we may lose the physical or mental ability to function as we have done in the past. Such losses change how we see or describe ourselve.

Consider this
If you were to write a description of yourself from ten years ago how different would it be from your description of how you see your self today? You would doubtless see some change that may even be positive. What are the losses that you can see? You might also try projecting forward ten years and consider what changes you would like to see.

Preparing for change
Being aware that change is the only constant, it will always happen, allows us to prepare in advance. Preparing for the loss of loved ones and close family members eases the passing when it happens. A pre-retirement course can minimise the loss in identity that come with the loss of role. Parenting courses can prepare us for the huge impact that children will have on our lives and our relationships.

Preparation for material loss
For most people this means insurance policies that are there to compensate us when we suffer material loss. That may include critical illness cover, redundancy cover, car insurance, house insurance, travel insurance all of which compensate us for loss. In these cases insurance seems like a waste of money unless or until you need to call on the policy after a loss.

Preparation for emotional or spiritual loss
In this I mean loss of relationship though estrangement, divorce, death and so on. The only way to prepare for these is to live in the present. Not to be attached to the past and what was or to crave what might be in the future. To live in the now is to be mindful.

Mindfulness
Because loss is related to change the experience spans the line from past, through the present to the future. The bereavement of loss is the attachment that we have to the past. Many losses will always have a connection to the past, either through nostalgia or sometimes anger and hurt. In Mindfulness we encourage the ability to live in the present to be here now. Dealing with loss is about dealing with our attachment to the past. To live in the present we need to let go of the emotional attachments that we have to what was, enjoy what is and embrace what is yet to be.

When considering how you deal with loss I highly recommend Step one in our book Live In the Present.

Be happy, be lucky and enjoy your life

Sean x

How Important is Goal Setting?

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Is setting goals worth it?

When we were doing the podcast for this week Ed asked me what my goal was. My response was that to arrive at the end of my life with a smile on my face would be a good goal. I reckon to be smiling at the end would suggest that the journey had been pretty good, and that is the point. Goals are all ok but if we only focus on the end point we miss the journey.

A goal is, by definition, the end of a journey. It could be that from this ending there will come other beginnings. But, any goal that we are aiming is an end point, a conclusion. And yet the goal itself may represent only the smallest part of the journey. It is the journey that is the bulk of the experience that is what really counts.

So, why have a goal at all?

For me a goal gives purpose to my experience of being alive. So I will have a goal for the day. It may that my goal is to do nothing, but then to actively do nothing is actually doing something (if you see what I mean). Goal setting does not mean that we have to engage in endless activity. It may be that we are aiming at doing less, chilling out more and learning to relax.

Often I will see my day as this blank cheque of time, 1440 minutes in the next 24 hours all to be spent however I wish – wonderful. I split my day into segments there is the small pre breakfast segment that is a good time to go running, do yoga or meditate. The morning segment takes me through to lunch time, the afternoon segment through to tea time, the evening segment and then the night at bed time. I often set myself mini goals to achieve in the different segments of the day.

Goals can be bigger events. I have week goals, month goals, year goals and so on. These are not things written in stone, they are things I would like to achieve or get done. If I miss the deadlines or decide to dump or change a goal that is fine.

Often a goal, once set, happens in a time line. The time line defines the process and the sequence of achievements that lead to the ultimate goal. If you think of a goal as a chain that is spread from the present moment to where you wish to get to, then the chain is composed of links. Each link is a step in the journey to the goal. If the goal is the top of the mountain then the journey is the chain. Each step that we take is a link in the chain. If we achieve all the links then we have completed the chain.

Why set goals?

Human beings are energised and motivated by having something to achieve. There is enough evidence in medicine and neuropsychology to confirm that those of us that carryon learning throughout life, however old we get, stay younger and fitter for longer. Those that do not have goals and become static go into decline and they get older quicker. Goals create purpose direction and meaning in life, without goals life can become meaningless.

Be happy, set goals. Remember that New Year will soon be here. Now, there’s a good time to set some new goals.

Take care

Sean x

Never Say “No”

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“No” is such a negative word. It is short, sharp and creates an ending. When I was trained in the science of Mantra it was suggested that M and N were directly in the middle of the alphabet and that the ‘M’ sound involved closing the mouth and gathering energy in hence the mantric sounds of Om, Aum, Amin and Amen. The “N” sound involves opening the mouth and pushing energy away as in, Negative, Never, Not and NO.

No is the “N” word that should never be used

No, completely shuts down whatever is going on. As soon as we say ‘no’ there is nothing left, no way to move forward, it is a done deal, over and finished. The word ‘No’ ruins relationships, create animosity, starts wars, fights and conflicts.

It could be that the easiest way to say ‘No’ is by saying ‘Yes”

So how do we avoid doing those things that we do not want to do while never saying no?

I would really love to do that for you…

If you ask me to do something for you and I either don’t want to do it or simply don’t have time, I could just say ‘No’, which might lead you to see me as being negative or awkward. If I change that to…

“I would really love to do that for you, I just don’t have the time’

Perhaps it is your manager or employer, who is working you too hard and has unrealistic expectations of just how much you can do…

“I would love to do that for you, which one of these current tasks would you like me to leave so that I can do that one?”

When we do not use the word ‘No’ we are showing willing, remaining positive, always being open, never closing down.

“Which bit of ‘No’ don’t you understand?”

I guess there will be times, in the extreme, when there is ‘No’ option and you may have to follow it with two words of which the second one is ‘off’.

But it is a choice. I have a challenge for you. For the next week listen to what comes out of your mouth and try not to us the word ‘No’. Try and find a positive alternative…

” I’m sure a date with you would be really fun but I don’t think it would really work”
” I know you will find the partner of your dreams, sadly it is not me”
” Thank you for offering me the position, on this occasion I feel I need to decline”

You can have a lot of fun working out ways to not say “No”.

One of the greatest challenges is for parents, especially when a younger child is in the “Why?” phase, or when the children enter adolescents. “No” simply creates conflict. Creatively saying “No” without using the word is an art form.

Take care, be happy and, never say “No”

Sean x