Archive for year: 2016

On the podcast this week Ed and I were talking about trust and what happens once it has been broken. So much of what we are and what we do in society is based on trust.

On the trading floor of the Baltic Exchange the world’s only independent source of maritime market information for the trading and settlement of physical and derivative contracts commits it’s international community of over 600 members encompasses the majority of world shipping to a code of business conduct overseen by the Baltic that is “My Word Is My Bond”.
In the exchange every deal and transaction on the busy trading floor is done on the trust that what I say I will do. Millions of dollars are traded everyday on this “trust”.

Since 1744 Baltic Exchange members have undertaken to commit to this code of conduct. Those who breach the code are expelled.

We see codes of conduct, or trust, established for many business and professional areas. When we see the doctor we ‘trust’ them to act in our best interests as we do with the solicitor, teacher, financial adviser and so on. When people break the code, or the trust, they are turned out of the group. Priests are “defrocked”, service personnel “court-martialled”, doctors are “struck off” Baltic Exchange members are “expelled”. Even in our social groups we expel those that don’t adhere to the social code. We “send them to Coventry” and we no longer talk to them or acknowledge them.

Trust works, or is broken at all levels of human interaction. The most problematic and therefore the most common in the consulting room is unfaithfulness in relationships. When this contract is broken we call it separation or divorce.

In all forms of broken trust the issue is can we ever put it back together, can we learn to trust again and how will it effect the rest of our life?

This week we received the following email…

My ex wife had an affair that I discovered. Some 2 years after our divorce I’m now with someone else and I find it difficult when she goes out in the evening as I fear she might be unfaithful (even though I have no evidence she would be). I find it tough to deal with that / things are good when we’re together but it’s difficult when we’re apart as my mind imagines all the things that could happen.

In this case the person above, who has been let down, has carried the issue of hurt and loss with them into their next relationship. So often we are loaded with unfinished emotional business from our past that is effecting our present.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

Trust is a strange thing. It assumes that we can rely on another person to do either what they agreed to do or what we expected them to do. My teacher told me that my need to have trust from others was misplaced and could never be. When I protested he told me that “trust is what happens to a chicken before you put it in the oven!” His point was that a chicken before it is cooked is trussed so that it will not move while being cooked. He said that when we put our trust in other people we truss them into an immoveable position. This is an impossible thing to do because people can never be trussed or fixed. They are moving living breathing, developing, learning beings who will always change and will never stay the same.

When it comes to relationships research shows us that up to 60% of people have affairs. Which means that we have less than a 50% chance of having a faithful relationship. The two questions this raises is why, and can we put it back together after the event?

Why?

When asked ‘why?’ most people say that they needed some attention. For the majority sex was never the issue. If was mainly the feeling that someone wanted them, appreciated them, desired them and most importantly listen to them and made them feel valued and important.

Now, there will be a percentage of people who are serial philanderers who will never truly commit to a relationship, there will be those that are addicted to the dopamine, the love drug, generated at the outset of a new relationship and there will be a percentage of people on the psychopathic spectrum who lack any real empathy.

As the majority of people are not psychopathic, philandering love addicts, we need to look to communication as a key to the maintaining a relationship. It is said that “those who eat together stay together”. In most cases couples who talk and do things together create the emotional bonding that is oxytocin in brain chemistry. Oxytocin is what binds a mother to a child and members of a relationship to each other. Couples who communicate stay together, those with active oxytocin stay together.

Can we put it back together?

The simple answer is normally “no”. However, it does not have to be that way.

In the workplace I get involved in myriad mediation cases that often come to nothing or are at best a papering over the cracks with an agreement for the workers to act professionally with each other in the future. Once the trust has gone the professionalism is a mask.

With couples in the consulting room I find that it is usually fairly clear. Most women seem prepared to give it another go after their man’s infidelity, though it may take them much work and time. There are few men prepared to give a woman another chance. For those that do choose to stay together and have a go at working it out there are some things that need to be done and said.

The new contract
You need a new contract that involves letting go of the past. This is what we deal with in the first step of the live in the present course. Until we let go of that past it will always drag us back and tip us moving forward. It is like a weight that will hold us back.

Forgiveness is hard. If you have never considered it have a look at step one.

Most importantly if you have problems letting go of your past email in and take some time to deal with your issues, don’t allow them to ruin your life.

Take care be happy and do not allow your unresolved past to wreck your present. Deal with it, seek therapy and enjoy your life.

Sean x

Is happy news good?

As a psychotherapist I have worked with thousands and thousands of people as individuals, couples and, groups. There have been those that are naturally happy and positive and those who see the world from a negative point of view. Over the years I have learned what it is that makes happy people happy and unhappy people unhappy. Happy people do certain things in certain ways. It is all in how they focus their thoughts and feelings.

It would seem obvious that we would, or should, be attracted to good news. Yet what we see is that “bad news becomes good news” because that is what sells newspapers. Good newspapers commonly only last for about three episodes.

Today in the podcast we were celebrating the third episode of The Happy News Paper,. Both Ed and I hope that it will keep going for many more episodes. We hope to have its founder and inspiration designer Emily Coxhead on the podcast. We highly recommend that you check out Emily and her work with the happy newspaper.

What makes you happy? It is good to review what it is that makes us happy. The Live In The Present book seeks to change the negative into the positive, like an alchemist turning lead into gold. It explains how happiness is a choice. Here are some ideas about happiness.

Positive body image
Happy people move their bodies. Exercise is not necessarily formal, you don’t have to go to the gym or play an organised sport. Taking a walk around the block, taking the stairs and not the lift, having a run or jog rather than walking and walking short distances rather than taking the car or the bus, are all forms of exercise. There are two important benefits that come from exercise. The first is that you don’t build up weight and that keeps your heart, lungs, muscles and joints healthy. The second is that people who move their bodies have higher levels of happy hormones, endorphins, in their brains that make them feel happier. If you are really game for a laugh you can attend a gym, go for more formal cycle rides and runs, walks and rambles, Zumba, Salsa and so on. Moving your body makes you happier.

Who are your friends?
Happy people build powerful social relationships. Human beings are group animals. Just like monkeys and chimpanzees we identify with being part of a group, tribe or family. Having mates and friends gives us a sense of belonging, value and support. We have people to talk to, people to share our problems with, people who will support and care for us. As the world has industrialised and the large extended families have broken into smaller nuclear family units the rate of depression and anxiety have dramatically increased. The W.H.O. is predicting that by 2020 depression could be the second most common cause of death. We know that people living alone, especially men, die younger. Having friends and strong social relationships makes you happier.

When did you last have a challenge?
Happy people do things that challenge who they are. Your brain and your mind are designed to be creative. It is this part of human consciousness that has powered all of evolution. Having a challenge keeps your brain awake.

Gratitude does your body and mind good.
It helps you cope with trauma and stress. Being grateful can increases your sense of self-worth and self-esteem and helps dissolve negative emotions and strengthens the immune system. An attitude of gratitude leads to happy people that overcome pessimistic thinking in three ways, focusing their time on positive energy and thinking in the knowledge that all things pass and no situation however difficult lasts for ever.
Gratitude creates happiness

Mindfulness leads to positive attitudes.
Mindful people develop healthy coping strategies, encounter stressful issues positively. Happy people become skilled at seeing the good that might come from challenging times. Mindful people take care of their mind and body and manage their stress. Mindfulness helps you focus on what you really want.

Most importantly, what you feed grows and what you starve dies. If you read bad news papers your focus will be on the negative. If you choose to read good news your focus will be on the positive.

Thoughts become things, what you think about you bring about.

Many people who wake up to the negativity that is in regular news stop listening to news broadcasts and reading newspapers altogether. My stance is that I need to be informed but not inundated with negative messages. And, I like to tune into some good news because it makes me happy.

What do you choose to focus on? Positivity is a choice.

Take care and be happy

Sean X

In the EU debate are you an ‘innie’ or an ‘outie’?

I will own up to my own position at the outset, I am an ‘innie’.

I don’t think that we Brits are that good at inclusion. We will tell ourselves what good chaps we are and can list or recite all the good things that we have done in the world and for the world. Yet, as an island community we do tend to see ourselves as separate from the rest of the world and also, as we wrestle with the idea that we are no longer an empire and that Brittania no longer rules the waves, we see ourselves as being able to punch above our weight. Perhaps now is a time for a little readjustment.

The countries that form mainland Europe do not have a sea between them to protect them from one and other, subsequently they have had to learn to co-operate in ways that we on the Island have not needed to. That cooperation has, at times, broken down and led to major conflicts such as the First and Second World Wars. That is why the idea of a European community was formed.

The League of Nations was an intergovernmental organisation founded on 10 January 1920 as a result of the Paris Peace Conference that ended the First World War. It was the first international organisation whose principal mission was to maintain world peace. Its primary goals, as stated in its covenant, included preventing wars through collective security and disarmament. (Wikipedia)

This first attempt to create peace in Europe failed and the world fell into the Second World War which began when Germany made an unprovoked attack on Poland. Britain and France declared war on Germany after Hitler had refused to abort his invasion of Poland. The Second World War was, it seems, to do with the clashing ideologies of fascism and dictatorship versus democracy. The fascist countries of Germany, Italy and Japan banded together in an attempt to dominate and rule the world.

The big idea behind the EU (and ultimately the Euro) is a simple one. If you get nations to trade and share their institutions, then they are less likely to go to war. Co-operation rather than confrontation was the order of the day. It seems to be a valid principle, as Western Europe has been at peace for nearly seventy years and counting. (http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/why-the-euro-was-created.html:)

The principle of collective self interest makes sense to me. It feeds into my basic life philosophy that if we all look after each other then we will all be okay. The problem with all groups is that either you are in or out of the group which creates ‘us’ and ‘them’. We see this with all groups, black vs white, gay vs straight, men vs women. This sense of separation is the human problem. Religion has, and continues to, create move division in the world. I wonder how many people have been killed over time for religious reasons and how many wars have been waged because “God is on our side”.

The myth of us and them

For the last few months I have been listening to people around me talking about the EU as “them” when “they” are actually “us”. The way the systems works is that there is an agreed democratic forum that we belong to, it is a parliament. We, like all other member countries appoint european MPs through our voting system. These MPs represent us and vote on all the laws that effect us and every other member of the European community.

We pay our taxes into the system, as does every other country, and we get money back, as does every other country. The xenophobic element in each member country wants the autonomy of not being subject to the group and wants out, they want to leave. That seems to leave us with two fundamental choices.

1: we return to the pre war situation of individual countries vying for their own self interest and potentially recreate the same issues that caused the world wars.

2: we work together within the European Community and beyond to bring people together and avoid the conflict of ‘us’ and ‘them’.

Staying in the EU will involve communication, argument and debate. It might not be easy but as members within the group we retain the ability to change it. Leaving the group leaves us isolated and we become on of ‘them’ being outside of the group with little or no influence to effect or change the evolution or Europe.

Nightmare Brexit Scenario

How about this, we leave Europe, Scotland decides to leave us and rejoin Europe. Wales could easily follow as the Welsh assembly is now recognised as the Welsh parliament. Northern Ireland could also choose to join Europe. Even Cornwall, that has its own flag and its own status with Europe could rejoin Europe. The Channel Islands would also, probably, join Europe. The USA have made it clear that they would seek other areas of influence if we are not in the EU. That would leave England as a small country off the coast of Europe with the 14 protectorate communities around the world.

I keep hearing that we are the fifth largest economy, though some statistic say that we are the ninth, but that includes all of the United Kingdom. If what is left is simply England it becomes quite small.

Of course I could be completely wrong and leaving maybe the best option. We will only know after today’s vote.

In or out be happy and take care

Sean x

In this weeks podcast we had Steve with us, the master drummer who spends his time helping people find their beat, lovely guy doing amazing work!

The universe has a beat, it has a rhythm. The whole of creation moves at a pace. This is the rhythm of life. Are you living in time or out of time?

If you stop, become still and listen you will hear your own heart beating. Some people, when they are learning to meditate, find this eerie or disturbing. Every time that your heart beats it gives off a little electrical signal that goes off into the universe just like the ripples flowing from a stone that has been dropped into a pond. This is your call sign that states to the universe that you exist, that you are alive. This is you individual rhythm.

When a group of people or animals come together they begin to harmonise their rhythm. Heart rate, blood pressures and hormonal excretions become more alike. We all know the story of a house full of female students, or a nunnery when, over time, the menstrual cycles of the women begin to fall in line and they develop periods in unison.

The same is true of all groups. When I run a course I have the three week rule, no new members after week three. This is because within three sessions the group bond has been formed. What that really means is that the group has begun to harmonise together so that when they enter each session their heart rates, respiration and many hormones will be matching and harmonising.

Once any group has formed the emotional experience is that we are now an ‘us’ and anyone new that joins feels odd, they are one of ‘them’. Groups even begin to smell the same and we may experience that other groups, nationalities or ethnicities smell different to ‘us’. I have an image hear of dogs smelling each other’s bottoms and what they know from doing so. I know that if you dropped me anywhere in France I would know that I am there because France has a smell that is peculiar to itself. It is not a bad smell, quite the opposite, it is just that it smells of France. The same is true in the spices of the east, or the tannery in Kidderminster.

There are ever smaller rhythms within all matter that go right down to the cells, organelles, atoms, particles, quarks and the source energy. The other way the rhythms are ever bigger as the Earth turns and the moon marks the months increasing and decreasing the tides, the earth moves around the sun and the sun around the galaxy and the Galaxy around the universe.

All that happens, on every level happens in time, in beat, it has its own rhythm.

Your individual rhythm is individual and peculiar to you. Those around are either in the same or similar rhythm so that you feel that sense of belonging or it is the other way you feel out of step with those around you they are working in a different rhythm and you feel the odd one out as though you don’t belong.

When you begin a new job it feels odd, you are not yet in rhythm. After a period of induction you feel that you suddenly belong, you have harmonised. In group dynamics psychology gives the process of harmonising the rhythm of groups names – forming, storming and norming. The important word in that is the ‘norming’ or normalising. When we have normalised to the group we have adopted their behaviours ether good or bad. The people that controlled the concentration camps of the Second World War began as normal everyday people who normalised to the brutality and killing of extermination. The monks in an ashram arrived as regular normal people and normalised into mediation, prayer and good deeds.

Often we normalise to what is happening around us below our awareness. The group or heard instinct can be negative as in a riot or positive as the collective response to the giving following a disaster.

Once we understand that the universe at all levels is in beat and time the next question is am I in beat with where I am? That might be mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially and so on. If not, then it is time for change and that will normally mean action, same behaviours will always lead to the same outcomes. When we want a different out come we have to change the behaviours. To do this may simply be the decision to act. Sometimes it will require some mindful meditation and for deeper issues psychotherapy.

Question: how do you know if you are in, or out, of rhythm?

Well, that is what your emotions are for. They tell you if you are in tune or not. In tune equals happiness, fulfilment, contentment and so on. Out of tune equals unhappiness, anxiety, depression and so on.

As King Louis said in the jungle book ‘you gotta get in the beat’.

Finding your rhythm and living it, is the only life lesson that any of us really need to learn. Listen to the beat around you and if it doesn’t make you feel good play a different one.

Take care and be happy

Sean X