Archive for year: 2018

Isn’t this a big one? So much of my work is filled with people needing to make a decision and if they are talking to me about it then it must be a difficult one.

Karma and consequence

Decision making is the nature of being alive. Every moment we are making decisions and each of these decisions will have a consequence. In eastern philosophies the consequence is called karma. People in the West talk about good karma and bad karma in reality good and bad does not exists it is simply a consequence, it is us that adheres the labels of good and bad. Once we get beyond the ideas of fault and blame we see only consequence and to the awake mind, learning.

The issue about making a decision is the fear

Many people are scared of making decisions for fear of making a mistake and getting it wrong. The greater the potential outcome of the decision the harder it becomes. At this point many people opt to do nothing not realising that in karma doing nothing is also an action. There is a consequence to doing nothing therefore to do nothing is as active as doing something.

The value of a decision

The value of making a decision is that you are in control. To be at the dither point unable to decide what to do next turns us into victims, vulnerable to being pushed around by the situation or by other people. When we make a decision it is as though we have taken hold of our life and even if the decision is wrong we can learn from it and make another decision to get us back on track. In mindful awareness we can observe consequence and make a choice.

Nothing bad ever happens

This maybe a bit hard to grasp but once you have it can be life changing. In a world of consequence and learning nothing bad can ever happen. This is because right, wrong, good, bad, fault and blame are all in the eye of the beholder. If we take away all of those labels and simply look at any situation in life as a learning opportunity we will always get the very best from our life that we possibly can.

Tossing a coin

If you hold to the philosophy of nothing ever bad happening you could just as well toss a coin to make a decision as long as you are awake enough to learn from whatever happens. Ok, so it is better if you make an active decision but when you are really stuck the deal is that you need to do something and if you do decide to do nothing then own that as an active decision and be responsible for the consequence and learn.

Asking the Oracle

Many people, when faced with a difficult decision, will consult the oracle. This might be in the form of a psychic, a tarot reader, the I Ching, Rune Stones, Angel cards, these are all actually very valid things. When we consult an oracle we evoke the Barnum effect. Barnum was a circus owner and illusionist. The Barnum effect is that you see what you want to see. Equally you hear what you want to hear. Our own bias is such that we will read into, or take what we want, in ways that simply apply to just us from whatever we experience. When you read your stars in the daily newspaper the Barnum effect will ensure that whatever you read into it will be right, good and effective just for you.

The bottom line is that making a decision is simply about the consequence. Some consequences will be obvious and others unforeseen. Whatever the outcome if we are mindfully awake we will learn, grow and move on.

On the basis that nothing bad can ever happen and that we can deal with whatever the consequence we can move ahead assured in a positive outcome to our lives. On that basis there are never difficult decisions just interesting consequences.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

It always seems amazing when a dramatic situation develops somewhere in the world and, what seems to be, the whole of humanity come together in a spirit of good will with the desire to get something right. We have just experienced this when the Wild Boars football team became trapped in a cave system alongside their coach. Luckily the coach was an ex Buddhist monk, of ten years standing, who taught the team to meditate and await a rescue that non of them knew would come.

In the ‘Intention Experiment’ quantum physicists tell us that it is now possible to measure the energy leaving one person and measure it arriving at another person. You might call this energy good will, love, prayer, absent healing and so on but I suspect that a lot of positive energy was raining down on these guys and, amazingly, they all got out. Though we do have to offer our prayers and thanks to the Thai Navy Seal, and his family, who lost his own life in helping those trapped children.

The fact that the coach was trained in Mindfulness and meditation was probably the deciding factor in their survival. That had a limited oxygen supply and they were on the edge on hypoxia when they finally got out. In calmness their respiration would have been slower and they would have used less of their vital resource of oxygen. When people are anxious they breathe shallow and fast.

Considering that all beings on planet Earth can count their breaths in an average life time at around 700 million each breath has a value that should not be wasted. This amount of breaths is as true for an elephant as for a mouse. Mice have short fast breaths and get through their allotted amount much quicker than an elephant who has deep slow breaths. Those of us who are anxious and suffer from a raised heart rate and a raised respiration will die sooner than those of us who are calmer with a slower heart and respiration rate.

Unless we learn to be mindful and observe our breath we will never be truly aware of what is going on in our system. Using mindfulness, relaxation, exercise and meditation we can slow both our heart rate and respiration and increase our chances of living a longer and happier life.

 Being in your own cave

The cave metaphor is often used to describe that inner space that we all retreat to when we are under threat. We would say that a man goes to his man cave, well so do women but in a different way to men.

Sometimes when life feels like it is too much the only place we can go is within. Our computer inboxes maybe full to bursting, our emotional inbox may be full to bursting and our mental inbox likewise. Our systems are in overload, colleagues and family are now too much, and all too often deliverables seem, well, undeliverable.

However hard we work, we don’t always meet our goals for the day or the week or the month. New urgent tasks come to us before old ones are done. Sometimes we react by behaving badly, or perhaps we agree to everything, even knowing that we cannot do it all, and the pressure builds inside us. Sometimes we blame ourselves for not being good enough, or our colleagues, family and friends, and we forget we are all in this thing called life together.

Could this be positive?

Seen another way pressure could just be a positive force; it can help us to be better at our jobs, relationships and lives. Pressure can motivate us to be a better person. It can trigger incredible creativity, and boost productivity. The trick is to mindfully manage what we are thinking, feeling and doing. We need to re-examine how we deal with it, and we can be there for each other. In mindfulness we are gathering tools that work best for each and all of us.

If we all look after each other we will all be okay

There are massive changes coming to the UK with Brexit and to the whole world with changes in economic power and global warming. There is a great deal to do, especially in the coming months. However, if we are mindful of the responsibility we have for ourselves, and if we support each other, we will, in the end, all be alright.

The basic premise of mindfulness is that being present with what is happening now, in this moment, it stops us from ruminating about the past or future, and brings about clarity and focus. This does not mean that we deliberately allow ourselves to stay focused on how overwhelmed we feel at this moment. In fact, by stopping the flow of ruminating thoughts and being mindful, we are able to change the way we experience what is going on right now, and turn the negative aspects of pressure into the positive ones.

We don’t have problems we have learning opportunities

When we feel pressured, for example, if we are working under a tight deadline at work or at home, our concern can become the belief that we won’t meet the deadline, that we will fail and because we believe we can’t, we don’t.

Thoughts become things.

Rumination and disbelief is the way that thoughts become things. However, we have a choice. Rather than reacting to a feeling of being under pressure by assuring ourselves of our failure, we can for a second or two, notice ourselves breathing in and out, and give ourselves a moment to observe what is really going on. This way we are able to change our reaction, which is mindless, into a thoughtful response, which is mindful.

Stop. Breathe. Respond. Observe the pressure; don’t become it

Having a positive self-perception is a key component in transforming our ability to manage pressure. This is called self-compassion. We need to like ourselves and to know we are worthy as human beings. However, we should also have compassion for others. One person should never think that they are better than another person. It is only when we can recognise the positive aspects of ourselves that we are then able to recognise them also in others.

Reflecting on the plight of the Wild Boars, it is when we find ourselves in a negative internal cave, in the darkness and unable to see the light, that we need to remain calm, relax, meditate and await our own rescue. In this case it is the rescue that comes from mindful practices and the insight that allows the light to penetrate our darkness. So often that light will be self-compassion.

Take care, be happy and be calm

Sean x

 

 

 

 

 

This week we were responding to a request from a listener who has decided to go back into training as part of a career change. Their comment was that going back into learning as a mature student is a bit tricky. I have to say maybe not. We can certainly get out of the habit of learning and yet all the evidence would tell us that when we keep on learning we create new brain cells and stay younger for longer. As Winston Churchill put it…

…Never, never, never give up!

At what point do people give up and stop learning? Often working and learning go together.

When I was a child we had fireworks every November 5th. On the box was written the instruction “light the blue touch paper and retire”. Later this was developed to simply “stand well back”. Now, I think stand well back is what people sometimes do when they embrace the idea of retirement, they stand well back from life and for many this is the beginning of the end.

I believe that a fulfilled life is about learning, that learning is living and that, for most of us, unless we have engaging habits, living and learning is what we call working. It is engagement. I meet people in their 30s and 40s who have stopped learning and are in the process of becoming old. I also meet people in their 80s and 90s who are still young. The realisation is that age is a number and that we can be a 10 year old adult or a 60 year old child.

Everybody, every being, on the planet is involved with their own work, their work is their life. The other day the children laughed at me when I referred to a spider as a person. The spider, female in this case, from my point of view, has rights just like you and me. Some people become spider phobic and may even want to kill it, but for me, the spider, is doing what we are all doing she is living and doing her work, living her life.

All beings work. Everyone on this planet from ants to elephants work. Working is engagement in the process of living. Essentially this means, getting up in the morning and going about the business of finding food, creating shelter and safety and raising the next generation.

Working and living should be the same thing…

Some of us, perhaps all of us, also play as well as work. Dogs obviously, primates definitely, when I go for my early runs the horses are playing chase around the field, maybe even ants have their own down time and play as well. Essentially living and working are the same thing. We need to be engaged in our life because without engagement in the work/living process we die. Food and shelter are fundamental, they are our essential work.

However, compared to all the other beings on the planet, human beings are different in two ways. The first is that we have a much longer childhood, not maturing until we are twenty five years old, which is a hugely non productive, non working time, supported by parents and society, however this does allow for much longer brain development and evolutionary advantage. We also have money.

Money has a unique effect for humans. We no longer need to work like all other species. We no longer need to be doing our essential work. We no longer need to go and catch or grow our food. We do abstract things with our time, that we call work, and collect tokens, that we call money, for doing it. We then exchange these tokens for food and shelter, services and even safety. So, for many humans, the concept of ‘work’ has become very different and over away from the concepts of living. Someone who writes or paints or produces cars, widgets or computers is no longer doing the essential work of life, other people do it for them. People then pay those that do the essential work with the tokens.

The strange thing is that those among us who do essential work become ever fewer and fewer. We have moved away from essential work and nature to the point that if the majority of us were required to become essential workers again we would not have a clue how to go about it. The plethora of TV programmes about groups of people abandoned somewhere like an island and having to survive is testament to this. Both practically and socially because many fail.

Now then, when you live the ‘normal’ life of an essential worker, which must be within the rhythms of nature and season, it is a life long task. Any species that decided they had had enough and stopped doing their essential work would die, simple. Yet socially and financially human beings have created this strange state termed retirement, when they stand back from life, cease to learn and to be productive and yet survive. I guess I should qualify that statement with reference to the industrial world and the west. There are many countries where social welfare does not exist and retirement would be impossible.

There is a strong case for not retiring.

Reason not to retire

1: We know that it is in the process of engagement and life long learning that new brains cells are created and that people remain younger for longer.

2: When people become physically less active and more sedentary they develop more diseases both physical and emotional.

3: Those that maintain a working function maintain and develop social relationships and maintain a sense of belonging and engagement.

4: Productive people have a stronger sense of self and self esteem.

I could go on, and on. I guess the big one that has hit the western industrial world is that supporting retired people costs much more money than anyone ever expected and we can’t afford it. This is where the money token idea begins to breakdown and why capitalism is destined to fail.

I know from my own clients that the people who continue to work, and I see many people still at work in the seventies, even If that work is voluntary, yet regular and committed to everyday attendance, have higher levels of self esteem and enjoyment, have a stronger sense of purpose and value. They have stronger immune systems stay younger for longer.

At what point do we stand back from life, do we retire? For some people this begins at thirty, forty or fifty and for others it never happens. My definition of success and happiness is waking with a smile on your face feeling that you have something that you truly want to get out of bed for. That you have something to go and do that is both meaningful and fulfilling. For many this is called work, though many do not realise it until they retire. And, if it is not organised official work it can be a voluntary contribution to life or a lot of engaging habits.

Whether you trade you life energy for money, or the love of it, don’t stand back, remain involved and engaged in the process of life and living. I promise you that you will be happier and that you will stay younger for longer. It is all about mindful choices and never giving up.

Take care be happy and keep on doing and learning!

Sean x

 

It is said that the only thing that we should be intolerant of is intolerance. This is a paradox as to be tolerant of intolerance means that we are supporting the very opposite of what we are seeking to promote. To be tolerant of intolerance can also create the most destructive of emotions and actions.

If a ‘Hitler’ were to emerge again today, someone who inspired other people to go and kill another six million people in cold blood, would it be ok to tolerate this behaviour or should we go to war to challenge this? For me the answer is an undoubted ‘yes’ we go to war. I don’t want to go to war and I think that killing, in all forms is wrong, and yet yes, I would go and fight to protect the freedom of us all.

What is your intolerance?
There is a sense in which we all need to understand and accept that we are each intolerant of different things. The Mindful approach is to be aware enough to be able to see our own intolerance and to do our best to not let this affect or infect other people’s worlds or experiences.

One problem!
How do I know that I am right?

One of the principles of Mindfulness is in understanding that the mind will present our thoughts and beliefs as though they are facts. At best our opinion is biased and at worst it is prejudice. We assume that we know things, perhaps we do not?

One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter

In all cases of tolerance and intolerance there is the issue of which side are you on? If both sides believe that they are right and that they are fighting for a just cause. At the outset, if both believe that God is on their side then technically they cannot both be right. So, how do we know what is the right thing to do, what should we be tolerant of?

The feeling behind intolerance
For me, most cases of tolerance and intolerance are not cognitive they are emotional. It probably comes down to what do you feel rather than what do you think. When we attend to our own intuition we can often get a gut feeling about something. It is a bit like a piece of Litmus paper that will tell us instantly if a substance is acid or alkaline. You intuition works in the same way. When you listen to your inner voice, to your intuition, it will tell you instantly how things are. Our intuition is probably as close as we can get to making sense of what is right and wrong and what is tolerable.

My inner voice tells me that all behaviours that harm other beings in any way are intolerable. This includes all forms of bullying, abuse, deprivation, manipulation, exploitation, and so on. In my world this means that the behaviour of many professionals from politicians, lawyers, estate agents, car salesmen and, most managers are unacceptable and intolerable. As a vegetarian I would include the killing of animals and the eating of meat, but this is just my own point of view.

Tolerance always has a bias. Perhaps it is working for the best results for the majority that is as good as we can get. When it works well we call this democracy. Perhaps at an individual level, our responsibility is to question what we feel, what we do, why we think what we think? If we listen to our inner voice we might just get it right for our self and hopefully for other people as well.

Think about your intolerance and how it effects other people. Also check out your tolerance and how it effects other people. You may be surprised at what you find. If some things seem unresolvable you may need to check your attitudes out with a therapist to enable you to understand where you are up to, how you got there and where you are going.

One thing that I can assure you of is that tolerance is a lot less stressful than intolerance.

Take care be happy and be as tolerant as you can be

Sean x

Childhood is probably the most important time of our lives. It is the time when we lay the foundations of all that will follow in our life and effects our expectations, relationships and our entire wellbeing. It follows from that, that being a parent has to be the most important job in the world.

This week on the podcast Ed and I were joined by Tanya Leary. Tanya has written the most amazing book ‘Time for Bed, Baby’ Illustrated by Lisa Williams. The book is multilayered, aimed at both the child and the mother.

It is hard to get it wrong

When you come out of the delivery room with your first new born baby there is no manual and there are no instructions printed on the babies back, this is all new and down to you. Chances are that the only information that you will have is that which you observed in your own childhood. Unless you have read or studied a lot, or have had some extra input, then what happened to you as a child will be the sum total of your experience, knowledge and expectations. We are normally simply playing pass the parcel as we pass what was taught to us onto the next generation.

It can work the other was and it could be that what happened to you as a child created a reverse effect in the sense that you decided that you would not treat your children the way that you were treated. This is still a response to what you observed and experienced as a child. In that sense we are all the product of not just our experience but of how we responded to that experience. That means that we can, when we treat it positively turn a bad situation into a good one.

As long as we approach life Mindfully, and in this case we are talking about motherhood, fatherhood and parenting, we will, in the end, get it right. I had a difficult childhood, left home at the age of fifteen and did not have a good internal working model of what a parent should be. The result of this is that I got it wrong for my eldest children. Not intentionally but I was learning on the job and having to back fill the deficits in my own observed experience from my own childhood. I think that I did get it right later on or at least got better at it. It just took time to learn.

Training in psychology, especially Bowlby’s attachment theory, made me realise just how important early attachment is to both the primary carer, usually the mother, and the secondary carer, usually the father. In my case it was the lack of positive attachment to the secondary career that created the problem. When it came to me becoming a father I didn’t understand how to do, I had never been shown. The only working models of fatherhood that were in my experience were all negative.

Talking with Tanya, who has had her own difficulties to deal with, it seems clear that when we are open to our true feelings and we are responsive rather than reactive then we have a chance of getting it right.

Self Compassion

Women, in the main, put other people first and them self and their needs last. I spend a lot of time encouraging female clients to develop enough self compassion to at least make their own needs equal first with everyone else. These ideas Tanya has included in her book. She suggests some down time for mums and some exercises that may help mums in letting go of negativity and doubts, stress and worry and develop more confidence in being a mum.

When I suggest that if we were all to look after each other then everyone’s needs would be met, I should also include the idea that we need to include ourself in the list of those that need to be looked after.

The punch line of her book, and I would say the punch line of life is that if we can teach our children the skills of being Mindful and we do this by allowing them to observe us being mindful then in just one generation we could change the human psyche to be more inclusive and more positive.

This may sound like a tall order but it is do-able it just needs some persistent and consistent action and the willpower to see it through.

As in all things change starts here and change starts now – but only if we want it too…

Take care and be happy

Sean x