Repetition and the habit of happiness

/1 Comment/in /by

This week Ed and I have been talking about repetitious behaviour and concentration. The ability to habitually focus may be the basis of Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour (OCD), though may also be a great asset. We all do things repetitively. The issue is are we addicted to the behavior, do we have to do it to feel normal?

We are all an accumulation of habits
One of the biggest revelations in life for me was realising that no one is ever born miserable. They have learned to be miserable from the moment of their birth. We are all simply what we have learned to be. We are all an accumulation of the behaviours that we have repeated since the moment of our birth. These are our habits.

As a child I thought that people were only happy because they had things. The families around me seemed happy and they also had warm friendly homes full of people and stuff. My house was one of relative financial and emotional poverty that people rarely visited and happiness was quite thin on the ground.

Like all children I accepted my lot, though I did not like my lot, and spent my childhood very unhappy. When at fifteen I left home I began to find happiness mainly in visiting and staying with other families. It was then that I felt the joy that is in the freedom of a happy house. However, it was a great lesson to find that rich people could be as miserable as my own family. I was even more surprised to discover that poor people can be so happy they could burst.

It took me a bit longer to understand that happiness and love go together not, as I had thought, happiness and things. Love is the most wonderful thing that changes sorrow into laughter and darkness into light. Where as things often become a burden and a worry.

Then I began to question what was the difference between those people who were happy and those people who were sad? Over the years, working with thousands of people, I now understand that all that we feel, every state of mind that we have, are simply the habits that we have learned since that moment of our birth.

The person who is miserable learned to be miserable from those people around them and then practised it until unhappiness simply became a habit. Their learning was so gradual that they didn’t realise why they were miserable, they just assumed that was the way that they are. The same is true of all emotional states such as anxiety, lack of confidence or self esteem. But, it is also true positive feelings such a optimism, positive expectation and, of course, happiness.

Happiness like every emotion is a habit. A habit may be an idea, thought, feeling or behaviour that we have practised long enough for it simply to be the way that we are. When people say to me now, “it is ok for you, you are always happy” they do not realise that I was once one of the most miserable people on the planet. Yes I am happy. It is because I consciously choose to practise the habit of happiness and it has become just the way that I am.

The other part of happiness is gratitude. Being thankful for what we have, however little, connects us with the emotion of love and leads to happiness. I love the American expression ‘an attitude of gratitude’.

Anyone, at anytime, can decide to learn to be happy right now. There are always things to be happy about. The fact that you have the eyes to read this, or the ears so that someone else can read this too you, that fact that you have a chair to sit on, a floor to lie on and so on are all things that are positive if we see them that way.

Your life is a collection of habits in what you think, feel and do.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Mahatma Gandhi

So, have you got the happiness habit. If not you could start right now with deciding what it is that you are grateful for.

Take care

Sean x

How to overcome feelings of powerlessness

/1 Comment/in /by

Ever since the 1980s I have enjoyed driving around Europe and beyond. Back in those days every country had a different currency and every border that was crossed required a changing of currency. Because you could only change notes our pockets were full of coinage that we called ‘shrapnel’. The only way to shift the shrapnel was to give it to charities once we got back to the UK. We didn’t need a Visa at that time but at each border crossing there was passport control with army and police in abundance. It seemed strange to us to see so many people with guns and bullets. The police in the UK were only armed with a truncheon and a whistle.

Flying has never bothered me, apart from my first flight in a plane no bigger than a mini bus. However Rie prefers not to fly and so we agreed to enjoy the open roads of Europe, this experience is so different to the congested car parks that pass for motorways in the UK.

I am a European. I love Europe and I love it that we, in the UK, are a part of Europe. I don’t think that it is perfect or idealistic. I see it as a work in progress, a progression that I want us to be a part of. I believe in human beings working and living together. In people sharing and caring. I believe in getting rid of borders and countries, of eliminating different currencies. I believe in an equality where we are all one, where there is no ‘us’ and ‘them’. Where we, the human race, are all one. I say this over and over, but it is so simple, we can solve all the worlds problems in a instant, right now…

…if we all look after each other we will all be alright.

I was shocked and deeply upset by the decision of fifty percent of my fellow Brits to leave Europe. I was not shocked but upset by the underhanded lying propaganda that was employed by the Brexiteers to scare the silent majority into leaving Europe.

On a daily basis there is report after report on the damage that leaving the EU will do to Britain financial, industrially, socially, artistically, scientifically, educationally, and so on. I see us like Lemmings wandering towards the end of the cliff, walking blindly into disaster. The saddest thing of all is that it is not the people who are making these decisions that will have to pay the price, it is our children and our grandchildren.

Yesterday it was reported on the news that the EU has suggested that once we leave they will no longer recognise our driving licences. Effectively we will no longer be able to drive in Europe. That might mean that this, 2018, is the last year that we will be able to drive to Italy.

It is not too late
It is a year before the madness begins and the split happens. There is time to reverse it. If enough people, those of the nearly 50% who voted to remain, and all those that voted to leave who have now seen the error of the decision, now come together we could reverse this process.

Another referendum
If we voted again do you think that the decision would be the same?

Watching the amount of European nurses and other medical professionals leaving the NHS and the lack of European nurses medical professional being prepared to come to the NHS it is easy to see our reliance on our fellow Europeans, just as they rely on us. We have had the pleasure of our fellow Europeans working in our farms, in our hospitality industry, the health care sector and many more industries. We also contribute to the European community in many different ways. Many of us chose to live in Europe.

We need Europe and Europe needs us.

A second referendum would be triggered by enough people writing to their MPs demanding one.

Take care, be happy and enjoy Europe while we are still a part of it and hopefully we will always be a part of it.

Sean x

Struggling with an eating disorder?

/0 Comments/in /by

Ed requested this podcast that was inspired by things that he has been reading. I regularly have clients that are struggling with eating issues though in most cases these are to do with obesity. When people talk about eating disorder they normally are thinking about weight loss not weight gain. According to the Priory Group statistics for eating disorders are…

• 1.6 million people in the UK are affected by an eating disorder
• 11% of the 1.6 million are male
• 14-25 year olds are most affected by an eating disorder
• There are up to 18 new cases of bulimia per 100,000 people, per year
• 1 in 100 women aged between 15 and 30, are affected by anorexia
• 10% of people affected by an eating disorder suffer from anorexia
• 40% of people affected by an eating disorder suffer from bulimia
• The rest of sufferers fall into the eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS) category including those with binge eating disorder (BED)
• Research suggests that the earlier treatment is sought, the better the sufferer’s chance of recovery

There are several ways of looking at eating disorders. We might say that to regularly eat more or less calories than you need would suggest something is wrong. In my work I find that in both cases the apparent eating disorder is a symptom of an inner cause. This creates a dilemma for therapy. Do we great the symptom or do we attempt to understand and resolve the inner cause? Many eating clinics and services are based around treating the symptoms and using behavioural techniques to change eating habits. This can help but if the underlying or originating cause is not dealt with and desensitised repetition or relapse is common.

Over weight and obesity
This is the most common eating disorder in the west, we are all getting bigger. Statistics are more easily available for women though they apply equally to men. Over the last forty years the average size uk female has gone from a size 12 to a size 16. One comment I hear is that if the average woman is size 16 why are the models on the catwalk not that size as well? We now have a comparison with the under weight model compared to the over weight public.

According to the Office of National Statistic, ONS, the average man in England is 5ft 9in (175.3cm) tall and weighs 13.16 stone (83.6kg). The average woman in England weighs 11 stone (70.2kg) and is 5ft 3in tall (161.6cm).
A woman of five feet three inches at size sixteen is in the obese range and is probably damaging her body and inner organs with increase potential for diabetes, heart attack, stroke and cancer. So why is this happening?

Vitamin D
Over 70% of UK residents are currently expected to be vitamin D deficient. Vitamin D, produced in the skin in response to sunlight, is the precursor of serotonin in the brain. Serotonin is the endorphin that creates our sense of wellbeing and is what we enhance through prescribed antidepressants.

Comfort food
We now know that when we eat carbohydrates our brain secrets serotonin. Therefore comfort foods are real. We feel down due to lack of vitamin D and low serotonin and self medicate by eating carbs as comfort food. The byproduct of this is that we gain weight. So, when we are told that Britain is now the heaviest country in Europe we probably mean that Britain is the most depressed country in Europe.

It is good to be happy
It would follow from this that resolving the over weight issues in the UK would mean increasing the wellbeing of people in the the UK. Getting our vitamin D levels right in the first place would be a great help. If you do not know your own Vitamin D status you might be advised to visit your GP and get a blood test, especially if you are having problems with trying to lose weight.

Anorexia Nervosa
This is an emotional disorder. It is on the obsessive compulsive spectrum with a obsessive desire to lose weight. This behaviour is, in my experience, the symptom of an inner cause that may be hidden or repressed. Often it is a response to a traumatic event. The symptom of anorexia is often the sufferers way of having control over their life. Often anorexics see themselves as over weight even when they are not.

Belimia Nervosa
known as simply bulimia, is an eating disorder characterised by binge eating followed by purging. Binge eating refers to eating a large amount of food in a short amount of time. Purging refers to the attempts to get rid of the food consumed. This may be done by vomiting or taking laxatives.

Orthorexia
This is the term used to describe a condition that includes symptoms of obsessive compulsive behaviour in pursuit of a healthy diet. It may also include an almost addictive relationship with food supplements and vitamins. Orthorexia sufferers often display signs and symptoms of anxiety disorders that frequently co-occur with anorexia nervosa or other eating disorders

Purging disorder
This is an eating disorder characterised by recurrent purging (self-induced vomiting, misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas) to control weight or shape in the absence of binge eating episodes. It differs from Belimia in that it may not include binging.

Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID)
This was previously known as selective eating disorder (SED), is a type of eating disorder, as well as feeding disorder, where the consumption of certain foods is limited based on the food’s appearance, smell, taste, texture, brand, presentation. This maybe seen in a variety of conditions and syndromes such as Asperger and Autism. It may also be a phobic reaction that often has a traumatic basis.

Food and mood
Our relationship with food works both ways. Our mood is effected by the foods that we eat and our mood will lead to us craving certain foods. For me food disorders are not a behavioural problem in most cases they are an emotional expression of unresolved inner issues. This means that in my eyes Psychotherapy is the appropriate intervention. This may support or work alongside a behavioural programme but is essentially psychological therapy.

If you find that you have a strange or oddly changing relationship with food talk about it, check it out.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

How to be Persuasive

/1 Comment/in /by

We all seek to persuade others into doing what it is that we need them to do. It might simply be the way we say ‘hello’ to start the day or the meeting to go the way that we want it to. Or it could be that we want them to make a cup of tea, give us a lift or lend us a few bob. The fact that we are using the word persuasion would suggest that the person either did not know that they wanted to do this for us or actively did not want to do it. I remember a couple from my youth where she would say to him “if you go to the shop and get me a box of Black Magic I’ll let you kiss me”. They went on to have twins; I’m not sure what he had to do to get that far! Any way, most persuasion requires a reward to make the task worth doing.

We could use other words instead of persuasion such as teaching, training, encouragement, seduction, inducement, punishment, cajolery, extortion, manipulation, coercion, bullying, brainwashing, exhortation, fear… I am sure there are more. Perhaps we then need also to consider the common vehicles that are used for persuasion such as media, news, propaganda, prejudice, gossip, faith, belief and our good friend advertising.

Security and behaviour
We probably don’t realise it but our behaviour is based around our need for security, for our need to feel safe or normal. This may also be seen as the need to achieve a positive goal. Perhaps a strange concept to grasp when we look at what others are doing. Some people need to live on the edge in positions that others might see as dangerous. It might seem strange some people get their feeling of safety and security by putting themselves in danger. Hanging off a mountain by your finger tips will scare some but excite others. People who enjoy living with danger are actually living with what makes them feel normal. Adrenalin junkies may not feel secure unless life is a challenge or dangerous. For others life may feel easier when they adhere to a safe normality and conformity. In these cases their sense of security and knowing that they are safe is their reward.

However some behaviour will be driven by fear. In this case avoiding the feared outcome is the positive outcome. The drive to save money maybe driven by the fear of poverty. The drive to take supplements, eat properly, or go to the gym may be driven by the fear of illness or death and so on.

The nature of reward
All behaviour is reward driven. We all get something from what we do or we would not do it. In all behaviour there is an end point, a goal or a reward. Even the most philanthropic and seemingly selfless of people get the reward pleasure from their actions, from helping others or making something right. No behaviour positive or negative is without a reward. The reward may be tangible as in a cocaine or nicotine hit, or an endorphin rush after exercise, or a cream cake. However, most rewards are emotional. The main result and driver of our behaviour is that the result of it is to make us feel right, safe and secure.

Do not become confused by ideas of positive and negative rewards. The things that are our securities are our habits that we have learned. The habit making aspect of our system is neutral, it does not care if the things that we use to create our sense of security are positive or negative. They are simply the habits that we have learned. The self-harmer does it because it makes sense to them and makes them feel right and ok.

The masters of persuasion
When it comes to persuasion nothing makes us more vulnerable than advertising. A good salesperson will be able to evaluate their sales target and present their message in such a way that it makes sense to the target. The sale pitch for each person needs to be different, one size does not fit all. In sales you have to understand your market.

What do you fall for?
What do you like to buy? How do you like to spend your money? Or how do you like to donate or share your time? Advertising is a good place to begin because it shows how different products are advertised differently to different personality types. Each advert is designed to persuade the person to buy the product. Looking at the different personality types we can identity the dominant drives that create their security characteristics. These types, often known as chakra types, are physical/sexual, social/belonging, experiential/novel, power/importance, status/authority, sensitive/empathic and creative/inspirational. Let’s look at them one at a time.

Physical/Sexual
This type of personality is most easily persuaded by physical messages. In advertising a product must be shown to be body enhancing. Something that will make your body look better, or make you think that your body looks better. Body building products. Clothes that accentuate your physical characteristics. Smells that make you appear sexier. Sexual preparations/Supplements that increase your stamina. Often advertisers will use well known sports people or stars that have a physical attraction to sell these products.

Social/Belonging
Persuasion in this case usually come from the message of belonging, ‘are you one of us’, ‘do you belong’, ‘are you in with the in crowd’? ‘Are you seen as special to the group?’ The sale message is ‘If you have our product and use our services you will be special and you will be seen as special by the group’. Here enters the diet fad, the gym, the Zumba class, the designer label, the fashion accessory, handbags, shoes, the brand image, breast implants, face lifts, botox and fillers. All the time comparing what I have to what you have. Can I keep with the leaders of the group, the fashion and style gurus. This used to be called keeping up with Joneses.

FaceBook and Instagram are awash with people who want you to look into their lives and admire all the wonderful products that they use and services that they admire. In the modern age the group has grown from the villagers around the village well to multi million participants online. Now, people make a handsome living by simply sharing their lives online. However the message remains the same, ‘are you one of us’, ‘do you belong to our group’, ‘are you good enough?’

When people are outside of the group but desire to be in, perhaps they do not have the money or resources to buy all the wonderful products, we now have the development of ‘us’ and ‘them’, ‘inside’ and ‘outside’. Along with this comes all the negative emotions of envy, greed and prejudice. All of which are wonderful emotional drivers for the persuades to ply on.

Brexiters promoted the fear of ‘them’ the immigrants invading ‘our’ group if we did not leave Europe.

Experiential/Novel
These people need to feel engaged and excited. They don’t want to be a part of some fashionable social group, they want to different and be seen to be different. If everyone is wearing pink, they will wear yellow. If everyone is always on time they will always be late. Here we enter the world of the novel and new, the world of the gadget.

These people have a keen intellect, they are interested in information and things and how things work and happen. A social type will be nosey. An intellectual type will be interested. Gadgets, science, and new ideas become engaging and exciting. The new concept and the new way of looking at something is persuasive to them.

Because of this drive for newness, novel and unique, they can become easily bored and may seek new and novel stimulation elsewhere. The social type may be praised for their wonderful dish of duck a l’orange, the experiential type seeks praise for their new and novel and experiment with duck a l’banana. To persuade these types requires novel, stimulating and exciting new and different options and ideas.

Power/Importance
‘Tell me I am important’ this is the stance taken by those that seek power. Often egotistical with differing levels of narcissism and sometimes psychopathy, these type not only see themselves as important and as exceptional individuals but also expect you to see them in the same way. They want you to pay homage, bow down and kowtow to their greatness. This person, strange though it may seem, is really built on very insecure foundations. They need other people to give them adoration because they don’t actually feel it themselves. The two most wonderful examples of this are being played out on the international stage as I write this. Both Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un are very insecure people who are seeking to feel more powerful and therefore more secure through their action, communication and threats. For them the potential for their security comes from the bigging up of themselves, ‘my rocket is bigger than yours’ type of stuff.

Imagine a room with a party going on. There is someone sat in the corner chatting and engaging calmly with other people. In walks another person who loudly demands attention. People rush to greet them, the cry goes up that (whoever) has arrived. The new person revels in the accolade and swells with pride. Now, who is the most confident and secure? Is it the person who is comfortable sitting in the corner or the person who needs attention to make them feel secure?

To persuade these insecure types requires that they are told how wonderful they are. If they make you a cup of tea it is not enough to say thank you, they need to hear that it is the best cup of tea that you have ever tasted. If they have a product it has to be so special that no one else could possibly have it. Either or is so rare no-one could find it or so expensive that none could afford it. Often it will need to be brash, bright and full of bling. It needs to be a real head turner.

Status/authority
Status is different from power. The Queen has status but actually has no power. The aristocracy have status and some still have money, though they may have property and big houses, though they are often, in reality, as poor as the church mouse and really have no power. However they demand and get respect and authority from most people.

Status is always a staircase. The solicitor becomes the barrister, becomes the circuit judge, becomes the high court judge, becomes a law lord. At each stage the person has more status but has no personal power. They are only able to exercise the power of the law which is not their power it is the power or parliament.

Persuasion for these people is not about power, novelty or belonging it is about respect, status and greater authority. To acknowledge people and their contribution is through awards, ceremonies and honours. To be an MBE, CBE or to be knighted is an acknowledgment of status and reward. To be called Mr or Mrs has no status, to be Manager, Director, Dr, Professor, Chair person, Sir, Lord, Lady and so on all have greater status. All status systems have their own ladder of progression. In the army there is the private, corporal, lance corporal, sergeant and so on. It was always said that when a service person, in active service, is ‘mentioned in dispatches’ (reports) they will get a medal which is a recognition for them and added status. The medals are then worn proudly at ceremonies to show the persons status. The more medals, the greater the status.

Sensitivity/Empathy
Here we move into a different kind of person and different kind of world. These personalities are not motivated by material things, status, recognition or position. For them the importance of life and therefore their security, is in simply being and being in the right way. Sensitivity and empathy equals harmony. To be in harmony with the universe and the universal energy is seen as more important than anything else.

Persuasion at this point is about being ethical and acting in the right and appropriate way, known as Dharma. To act dharmically or in the right way, reduces negative actions and negative Karma, which is the negative consequence of action. Equally positive actions will lead to positive karma or positive consequence of action. To be sensitive to the inner worlds of others is to be an empath. Empathic sensitivity leads to the drive for care and caring.

This may be expressed as green or ecological living. Not driving when you could cycle or walk. Recycling what you can and generally caring for the environment and other beings. Vegetarian and vegan life styles are often based in empathy. This is the world of questioning the meaning of life, spirituality, philosophies, mindfulness and meditative techniques. Spirituality should not be confused with religion, which is often more to do with status and authority rather than spirituality and empathic expression.

Inspirational/creative
These are the people that create the ideas, products, services, propaganda, beliefs and philosophies that are sold, in whatever form, to all the personalities described above. They are the image makers, the inspirers and the icons that lead and change society.

Ok, a long and involved blog. I will climb off this hobby horse.

In short, the methods and messages that we use to persuade others are only effective when they directly resonate with the personality type and security base that we are communicating with. Remember that the positive drive of persuasion for each type of personality is to increase or maintain their security. The negative drive is for them to avoid any threat to their security. Both drives can have the same effect.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Good Grief

/0 Comments/in /by

Dealing with the grief that follows after death is something that can never be understood unless it has been experienced directly. I see so many people who feel a sense of guilt because they are still grieving only three months after a loss when, in reality, grieving takes a long time, and sometimes may even last a lifetime.

A dictionary definition of grief is….

Intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death

Grief comes from a French word ‘Grever’ meaning ‘to burden’. We might, therefore, consider grief to be a burden that we carry. We have finished our grieving when we are able to put the burden down.

I am forever surprised at how ill prepared we are to face death, both our own and of those people, family and friends around us. It is the most certain thing that faces all of us, we will all die.

The attachment of emotional elastic
In my book “what colour is your knicker elastic” I explain that the emotional connections that we make between ourselves and others is like a piece of emotional elastic. At a point of loss, when that relationship comes to an end, the emotional elastic is severed and we are hit in the face by the emotional energy that is remaining in it, unless we are prepared for it.

The loss of a parent
We had an email from a listener this week who has been facing the death of a parent and is trying to come to terms with the hurt and the loss. I am not sure if this is true for us all, but for me the loss of those that we truly love is possibly the worst pain that there can be. The only loss greater than that of a parent is that of a partner or child. It may seem like an easy thing to say but the reality is that, at some time, most of us will face the loss of those people that we care about. The pain of this loss, we call grief.

Relationships are all different and the nature of the emotional elastic will vary. It may be thick and strong or thin and weak. Because of this the level of emotional rebound and grief that we experience when the elastic snaps will be very different. I have seen situations such as when someone’s mother had died. The person in this case showed little or no emotion and took the morning off to deal with it and arrange the funeral before returning to their work. Two weeks later they took a few hours off to attend the funeral and returned to their work. Their colleagues observed this and saw it as insensitive, negative and nasty. What they did not realise was that the relationship that this person had with their mother was not a good and happy one. For them childhood had been a difficult time and the lack of support they experienced from their mother had resulted in thin emotional elastic, so thin that when it snapped it had virtually no emotional effect upon them at all. In fact they described the death as a relief not a burden.

Alongside that I have also experienced the people who have been completely devastated and debilitated by the loss of their mother. They have taken weeks, and in some cases months, off work as they have attempted to recover. For them the emotional elastic was thick and strong and at the point of snapping they were hit hard by the emotion.

Learning to live with loss
When I consider the real affects of a death and the cutting of the emotional elastic phrases like…

…‘don’t worry you’ll get over it’ or ‘times a good healer’…

…show a total lack of empathy and insight.

These phrases are often used by those people who have never experienced the grief of a death, or of a significant death. The idea of getting over the loss of someone close could not be further from the truth. It would be more accurate to say that grieving is learning to cope with the new situation that you now find yourself in. Life without a parent, husband, wife, mentor, friend or child can be so completely different to all that went before. Death, loss and subsequent grief is literally life changing.

Life will never be the same again.

Acceptance, a journey
Grief and bereavement are not a thing to get over. They are a process that must be gone through until the reality of the loss has been accepted. This is a journey that you may not want to travel and yet you will, in the end you have no choice. For some of us the journey is short, this is when the elastic is thin. Also it may be shorter if we have had time to prepare. This is what I call pre-bereavement. Perhaps there has been a long illness and a gradual ending that has prepared us for the real end.

For some the journey may take a long time to negotiate with many obstacle to overcome and issues to face. In these cases the elastic is thick and strong. Sometimes the emotions may be so powerful that they will never be resolved and the grief may simply be something that we have to accept and live with. It is as though this loss, and perhaps others that we experience in life, have been woven into the tapestry that is our life. It has now become a part of the picture.

The unbreakable elastic
Some elastic will never break and continues to pull from the other side of the grave. I lost a child, many years ago now. Every time that day comes around it is as though it is live action all over again. I have accepted this as part of the tapestry of my life and no longer need it to be any different. It is a part of my year, it is a part of who I am.

The process of grief
In psycho talk we say that grief will take a minimum of two years to process. The pain of being without that special person can be hard to bear. From the death day we have to live through the first year and all the significant times, birthdays, Mother’s/Father’s Day, anniversaries, and all days of importance.

The first of each annual event is generally the most difficult. So too are the new events, those events that the lost person will never get to see such as a wedding, a new grandchild or a naming ceremony. The feelings and emotions associated with these days has to be borne and gone through.

Avoidance is not always a good idea
A family may decide that they cannot possibly have their normal Christmas, as they have done each year, because it would just be too awful with the lost person not present. The family may decide to go to Honolulu or do something completely different. This seldom works because next year they simply have to face what they avoided last year. In the end all that they have done is delay the process by a year. Grief is when we need to understand that grief is a process not an amount of time.

So in psychology when we say that the minimum period of grieving is normally about two years, we mean each event needs to be faced and processed. This is because from the death day we go around the year facing every special day and anniversary. After one year we come back to the death day, take a deep breath and do it all again. In most cases by the time we have completed the two year cycle we are starting to normalise and accept the change and our loss. However we have to accept that some, or perhaps most, losses will never truly leave us.

Becoming an adult
We are all, or were all, children. All of us were born of a mother and had a father. Throughout our life we are our parents child, until, that is, the moment when they pass on. In reality none of us truly become adults until both our parents have died because up to that point we are someone’s child. We only become adults when we are orphans. Just as this is true for us and our own parents it is equally true for our children. While we live they will always be children, we need to die to allow them to become adults. If you are in your seventies and your parents are in their nineties you may not come to adulthood until late in life.

How long should we grieve
While grieving may take an indeterminate amount of time that may have no limit it still remains a process. Often people will feel guilty for still being upset three months after a loss. In reality the process may take several years. On average we think of two to begin to come to terms with a loss.

The three stages
Grief is often identified as having three distinct phases. These may follow the classic sequence or the phases may come and go over time.

1: Disbelief
The first stage is disbelief. “I can’t come to terms with what had actually happened” I assume that the person will come back and walk through the door, that they will ring or write.

2: Emotional letting go
As emotion is released it may come out as tears frustration sadness or depression. Even when people try to hold it in there usually comes a time when it is released.

3: Anger
Anger is a strange though powerful emotion. At some point the anger comes. We may feel anger with the doctors, the disease, God or the person who has died. When we feel guilty with the person who has died we then often feel guilty for being angry with them and we may spend sometime going round and round until it is processed. Often it is the anger that gives us the energy to move on.

The wonder of birth and the wonder of death
Why do we celebrate birth and not death. In many ways we have lost touch with both birth and death. These great events, that used to take place in the home now happen in hospitals and hospices. Only a generation ago most people would have been born at home and died at home.

With the rise of the medical professional we have de-personalised the process. As we have done this we have also given away our own responsibility and participation in these processes.

Celebrating a life or mourning a death?
My vote is that we use the last funeral rites as a celebration of life, that we change our sadness into happiness and celebrate what that person’s life has achieved.

I shall stop here before this turns into a book.

Wherever you are in the cycle of life, enjoy it and plan your ending with joy.

Take care

Sean x

Responsibility

/1 Comment/in /by

We have been, unintentionally, following a theme in the podcasts over the last few weeks. I hadn’t realised it until we had Jodie on board and we were talking about veganism and, in some ways, the rights of animals. In recent podcasts we have discussed many subjects all of which are related to, or have a direct link to, power and the use of power. That is, the power that we exercise over our self, over others or over animals and on the world at large. I don’t know if we are the most powerful beings that have ever been on this planet but I do suspect that we could potentially be the most destructive. That destruction domes from the power that we exercise over animals and the environment.

We all exercise power every moment of every day and the more power that we have the greater the impact that we have on the world around us. The issue is are we aware of our power? And, do we take responsibility for the way in which we use our power?

Power and responsibility go together

I have worked in hundreds of organisations and the thing that most of them have in common is that they separate power and responsibility. For instance, the manager or the directorate board have all the power because firstly they are in a position to command and secondly they hold the resources and the budget. In most cases the workers, the staff, hold the responsibility to enact the commands of the directorate board. However they do not have the power.

Imagine a ward in a hospital. The staff have the responsibility to look after the wellbeing of the patients. There may a shortage of staff either people are off sick or there has not been the money to replace those that have left. The level of responsibility for the staff remaining is the same even though now there are less resources to complete the task. While the staff are running around taking responsibility for the patients the directorate board are somewhere else, remote, maybe even at home. The directorate managers have the power but are not taking the responsibility.

Power requires responsibility
This type of scenario is replicated across many organisations public and private. Once power and responsibility become separated in any system it will begin to breakdown. Power without responsibility equals insensitivity, bullying, perpetration, dictatorship, narcissism, and psychopathy. To enact power without responsibility requires a lack of both insight and empathy. The power that committed the Jews to the concentration camps of the Second World War is no different to the power that currently commits cows to the abattoir.

Responsibility requires power
To take responsibility for something without having the power that would enable you to enact that responsibility equals naivety, stupidity, failure, and victimisation. Strangely both have one similar issue. If we go back to the ward. Perhaps the nursing staff do not have the equipment, linen or medication to do their job. They have no power to go and get what they need yet they are held to account and remain responsible for the well being of the patients in their care.

Both situations described above have one thing in common. The person who has the power yet takes no responsibility lacks insight. The person who attempts to enact their responsibility without the power to do it also lacks insight.

What is insight ?
Insight is awareness. Awareness is the application of consciousness. Applied consciousness is what I term ‘the observer self’. It is the ability that we all have to observe what we think, feel and do. To have conscious awareness of our thinking, feeling and doing has two effects. The first is that it give us a choice, “should I, or should I not, do, think or feel?” The second is that is gives us true responsibility. When we act with clarity of purpose and outcome we are acting with insight.

Karma
Karma simply means the consequence of our actions. Everything that we think, feel or do will have an outcome. That outcome will effect us and it will effect other people.

Dharma
Dharma is right action, to act righteously or to do the right thing. To act dharmically is to act, to act with insight, with conscious awareness. It is to act to the best of our ability.

When we act dharmically we act responsibly. When we truly act dharmically we limit the negative consequence or karma of our actions and ensure the best possible outcome for ourselves and for everyone and everything involved in our decision.

Getting it wrong
We’ll get things wrong. At sometime most people look back and think “if had done that differently then…” or “if I knew then what I know now…? There is no blame in getting things wrong, that is not the issue. The issue is can I take responsibility for those things that I got wrong or did wrong?

Sometimes we can repair the damage that we do in life and sometimes we cannot. Sometimes we can repair the damage done to ourselves and sometimes we cannot. We each need to be aware of what we have done, to know what we can change, to leave alone why we cannot change and let it go, and, as the prayer says ‘have the wisdom to know the difference”.

The world is full of those who act without taking any responsibility for their actions. Many of these people are in positions of great power. The negative effects that they have on those that have to take the responsibility of enacting their demands is huge. Simply look at the First World War and all those that died in the trenches in France, for what?

My belief that we will all be alright once we all learn to look after each other is the real application of power used responsibly. As long as we don’t separate power and responsibility we stand a chance of survival.

Be happy and use you insight to use you power responsibly.

Take care

Sean x

Does power have to be all bad?

/1 Comment/in /by

We have been developing a theme in the podcasts over the last few weeks. In December we looked at letting go of what was and then looking forward positively to what will be coming next. We then moved on to Veganuary and then the experience of being an outsider. All these topics have an underlying issue for me, that are to do with the exercise of power.

When we look back to last year at what has happened and decide to let go of the negative unresolved emotional attachments that we have to people and events, we are acknowledging the power that these things have over us. In deciding to let them go we are taking our power back. When we look forward with positive intent to the year ahead we are acknowledging our power to have an effect on the world and on our future experience.

The issues of veganism and vegetarianism speak for themselves. We have power and dominion over all the beings on this planet. We exercise our power as we see fit giving little account to the effects that we have on the other earthlings that share this planet with us. And, then when we looked at the idea of outsiders, of who we allow to be one of ‘us’ and who we decide are not ‘us’ but they are one of ‘them’ we raise all the current issues from Hitler to Trump, from the creation of the British Empire to the enactment of Brexit, from the depression of the 1930s to the banking crisis of the last ten years. All these things are us human beings exercising our power.

We all have power. We all exercise power. We do things everyday that effect others. To do nothing is also the exercise of your power, not to act. Not acting can have the same or a greater effect than acting.

It is not the power it is what we do with it that counts

For many British people the concept of power is a negative one. To be powerful often equates with being bad. This has an historical route in the imbalance of power inherent in the class structure of upper and lower class, of high class and working class, the power held over the peasants by the landed gentry. These differences remain a problem in the British psyche today. Perhaps we should see these inequalities as the misuse of power rather than power itself, because like all things power is neutral it is what we do with it that makes it good or bad.

Power is neutral

When it comes to personal power I see it like this. If the power is held out front of the person so that it is used like a battering ram then it is negative and often destructive. It is the ego that says ‘get out of my way I am coming through’. Egos that are out the front that get in the way of communication are the worst parts of egotism, narcissism, psychopathy and the misuse of power. If, on the other hand, the power is held at the back of the person so that it becomes a power pack that drives them forward, then if becomes a powerful tool that creates great breakthroughs and achievements. When power is used as a driving force it is the energy that creates change.

The question that we all have to ask ourselves is…

…is your personal power out the front getting in the way of yourself and others? Or, is it securely behind you giving the confidence and the power to do what is right?

An engineer uses a power rating to define ability, volume or speed of an engine. Engines, motors and various bit of equipment are all given a power rating. The rating is neutral. The engineering definition of power is simply…

…power is the ability to do work

I like this definition because it clearly states that without power, when we are powerless, we cannot get anything done, there is no achievement.

The power drives

Physical power is in our muscles that allow us to move and do things. Social power is in the bonding of groups families and society. Intellectual power creates the ability to understand and perhaps persuade through argument. The power of the ego is that which creates business leaders, stars celebrities and some political leaders. Mental/cognitive power creates form and structures, rules and morals that are enforced by the authority of law and order, convention and culture. Intuitive power is in knowing without knowing, the ability to have deep insight, empathy and sensitive understanding. Inspirational and creative power, create inventors, icons and avatars.

Power comes in many forms. The power to run a race or to be a social genius involves the positive use of energy. All of the drives, defined above, can be expressed positively or negatively, power can be used to create heaven or hell. Yet without power we cannot function and are truly powerless.

Power is always a good thing when it is used positively.

Sadly many of the current models of power that we see enacted on the planet are not giving us the positive alternative. There are too many conflicts going on in the world to list here but we know what they are. Each of these conflicts involve one group of people attempting to exercise their power over another group. However, there might just be another alternative…cooperation?

Love is all there is

In the end the only power that counts is the power of love. I shall go to my grave saying this…

…if we all look after each other we will all be okay..

So simple and yet so true. The power of love is the power of care and the power of sharing.

According to the charity Oxfam just eight men are holding half of all the wealth in the world today. In a world where one in ten people are surviving on the equivalent of less than two US dollars a day this has to be obscene. The report suggest that we will soon see the first trillionaires. To put that into perspective you would have to spend one million a day for 2738 days to spend your trillion.

I doubt if you are a trillonaire, well not yet anyway. Whatever your wealth and whatever your personal power please use it wisely

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Being an Outsider

/1 Comment/in /by

In many cases on the podcasts we look at the idea of “us’ and ‘them’ as in are you one of us or one of them. Often in society we are saying do you belong, are you one of us. In this episode we turn it around and look at what happens when we are one of ‘them’ and not one of ‘us’? When you are an outsider standing outside of the group.

To be an outsider usually means that you are different or that you are seen as different. This may be negative in the form of prejudice. Perhaps you are disabled, disfigured, have a speech impediment, perhaps a relative has just been in prisoned for sexual impropriety or violent assault, something has happened that makes you become excluded from the home group.

It could also be positive exclusion, if such a thing exists. Perhaps you have just won the lotto, been made the manager of the team you worked in for many years, or been the only one in your university cohort to gain a first class honours degree.

To be an outsider you are doing or have done something different to the group. Now the group no longer identifies with you. You are now the outsider.

Currently the news is full of Rohingya people that have been expelled from Myanmar, or Burma as was. Whatever the politics and whatever the propaganda the message at some level from the people of Myanmar is “we do not want you, go away. You are not one of ‘us’ you are one of ‘them’. You are outsiders and we no longer want you in our country, to go outside”.

The popularised fuel of the whole Brexit debate was around can we allow these outsiders, these refugees, to become one of us? Will we accept them and allow them in? This then raised the question, do we want to stay with the group of Europe.

Bring on the referendum
The issue seemed to culminate in the British desire, well 52% at least wanting to become outsiders. The expressed desire to no longer be one of ‘us’, of the European Community and become ‘them’ and find our own route outside of the larger community. We have voted to become outsiders, to be one of ‘them’ and no longer one of ‘us’.

Have you ever felt like an outsider?

As I have travelled I have, on many occasions, been the only white person in the room, or the only Brit or in Wales the only English person. My difference was sometimes seen as a handicap as in ‘you bloody limeys’. There were times when I was called ‘honky’ or ‘ghost’. On the other side people wanted to speak English with me and practise their use of the language. I also had very blond and very curly hair that people, especially in Asia, wanted to touch and feel. I was even asked for a lock a couple of times! I know a man who was the tallest man in the UK for a while. He found that when he visited China, which he had to do as part of his job, it became impossible because the locals want to be photographed standing beside him. When it came to the point where he couldn’t leave his hotel because crowds of people were waiting for him to get photographed he decided to call it a day and stopped going there.

Are we all Earthling
In many ways this weeks topic follows on from last week when we discussed Veganism with Jodie. To be a vegan means to stand outside the normal culture of the country and the economy. At the same time to eat an animal requires that at some levels we see that animal as different or less than our fellow humans. If we see humans as a part or our group then to eat them is unthinkable. If we see animal as a part of our group then to eat them is unthinkable.

I mentioned in that podcast, and put them up as my resources, the films Schindler’s List and The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. Both these films describe what happens when we separate a group and make them outsiders. For the Nazis to treat the Jewish people the way that they did required for them to dehumanise the Jews, to exclude them from the group of humanity and make them outsiders who had no human rights and were treated as they treated their animals. The same thing happened in Africa when untold millions were sold into slavery by Europe and America.

The Trump effect
To create a group there has to be normalised ideas, beliefs and behaviours. This is true of a football crowd, a bunch of girls who regularly go out on the jolly, the Mafia gang, a stamp collecting club, the list becomes endless. Once someone stands up and proposes something, they raise their standard, others will begin to gather around that standard and the new group is formed. Once that group is formed there is inside and outside and everyone now has to make a decision, are you in or out. Their will be consequences which way you decide to go, that is the nature of life.

The trick is propaganda. How do we get people to join our cause and take on our beliefs? We use the media. Could be fake news could be real news, could be newspapers and television or radio news. It could be social media or even gossip and the rumour mill.

Once someone like Trump plants his flag and others with the same views begin to gather around him the propaganda machine sets off. The more people that gather the greater the power of the group. The greater the power of the group, the greater the effect that they can have on the outsiders.

Once the Farage and the Brexit band wagon rolled into town the propaganda machine went into action and people started to join it and hey ho, we are out of Europe. The exercise of power is wonderful to study, though terrible for the victims. We should do a podcast on power.

Ok, I’ll climb off my soap box and leave you with this.

The groups that you identify with and belong to will either be positive with outsiders and may, in many ways be looking to create a greater understanding between groups. Or, the group that you are associated with are about increasing the sense of difference between groups of people and not at looking to empathise or understand. You have a choice and your choices are consequential.

Perhaps inviting someone that you see as an outsider in for tea might help humanise humanity.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Why Do We Eat Meat?

/1 Comment/in /by

This week we had a guest, Jodie B, who can to talk about veganism and more importantly veganuary, the idea that for just this first month of the year we could maybe go vegan and see what it feels like.

Regular listeners will know that I am a veggie. What that means is that I do some cheese and the odd egg. Sometimes I will do some fish. We have lost of words used to describe various diets and eating styles, vegan = plant based, vegetarian = plant with a bit of dairy, pescatarian = plant and fish, fruitarian= only what is dropped from the tree, rawtarian = is vegan but only eating raw not cooked food.

Our food effects our health but also how we feel
The concept that you are what you eat was coined by Anthelme Brilliat-Savarin in 1816 or the idea that most of us are digging our own grave with our knife and fork, which is claimed to be an old English proverb are used to support different diets.

Neuropsychology and dietetics both confirm that what we eat can effect our health but we also now realise that what we eat can effect how we feel as in the book ‘food and mood’ by Amanda Gerry. For each of us the road to developing a diet that works for us is a very personal matter.

Understanding what we are eating
The idea of being vegan or vegetarian or whatever is a concept that is effected and swayed by morales, ideas, philosophies, science and even religion. One of the reasons that human beings have survived so successfully is that we have been prepared to eat anything and at times this has included each other. Our companions on our evolutionary path have been rats, pigs and dogs who likewise have been prepared to eat anything to survive. I think that the only times that a human being is actually eating appropriately is when they either enlightened or pregnant. When the pregnant woman feels the intense craving for a particular food she is in touch with and listening to her body. Most time people are eating with their mind and not their body. So, they end up giving their body what they think it should have rather than what it actually wants or needs. I suspect that is why we suffer so many vitamin and mineral deficiencies.

I have known many vegetarians and vegans, over the years, who have been miserable because they are living their life on the basis of ought rather than desire. I have no judgement of right and wrong in this regard. We are what we eat, but we are what we choose to eat.

I am reminded of the strict vegan meditator who suddenly, to her friends horror, started eating chicken when she was pregnant. She was listening to her body and providing it with what it needed rather than what she thought it should have.

Developing your own eating style
I was brought up as a meat eater, a standard meat and two veg diet. After leaving home I became vegetarian not really from choice but more to do with the fact that the situations I chose to live in were vegetarian and so it was for many years that I did not eat meat. Back in Britain I found that I was eating a white bread bacon sandwich and began to question what I was doing. To try and work this out for me. And on the basis that I had the opportunity I got a small holding and starting raising my own animals. Eventually there came the day when animals had to be slaughtered. I entered the reality of the meat economy in a big way and over the next few years slaughtered many hundreds if not thousands of animals. Finally I got to the point of realising that other beings do not really need to die in order for me to live. From there I went back to being a veggie. At times I have gone back to eating meat but over all I am a veggie and feel most comfortable that way. I don’t like milk, though I do have some cheese and the odd bit of fish.

Eggs are interesting for me as both chicken and ducks will produce eggs on a daily basis the majority of which are infertile. Theses birds will do this whether we eat the eggs or not. This raises the issue of how are animals kept and can it ever be ok to keep an animal in captivity for our benefit? Captive animals may include farm animals and those in zoos. However I find it hard to see the difference between keeping dogs and cats or horses. In every case where a human being takes control of the life of another being that being surrenders it’s identity to their owner or controller.

I find it very odd when a family of humans keep a dog as a valued member of the family. They will spend thousands on keeping it well and will fight anyone that threatens it. Then they will go home and eat a baby lamb and think nothing of it. How strange is the human mind that it can give the dog a value and that will look down on those societies that openly eat dogs and yet will happily eat a lamb or a calf.

Is it health, morality or environmental?
There is a mass of scientific evidence that would suggest that eating meat may not actually be that good for us and could in fact be making us ill and creating or encouraging cancers.

Is there a moral argument that as, we assume, the most intelligent animals on the planet we should be the custodians of all the other species and treat all living being equally.

The environmental argument is pretty unassailable. The amount of ground and resources that it takes to make a meat product rather than feeding the plants direct to the humans is ridiculous. On that sense meat production makes no sense.

I am not a food fascist and I am a cook. I prefer not to eat meat but if I came to your house and you had lovingly and inadvertently prepared a meat dish for me I would say grace and eat it with gratitude. The issue for each of us and our own development is about each of us understanding what we do and why we do it at all levels not just at the level of food. Our relationship with all earthlings and that include other people should be the focus of our awareness. From that point of view to be a real vegan would mean to treat all and everything with love and respect.

There are too many gurus and teachers propounding their own latest discovery or idea and expecting everyone else to go along with what they now see as ‘the truth’. That is true of politics, religion, diet, health, exercise, education… the list becomes endless. Just as the born again non smoker becomes a zealot so does the vegan, vegetarian, yogi, meditator and so on.

Listen to your inner voice
Listen to your consciousness, to you intuition and be true to yourself. Then you have a chance of living a sane life that makes sense for you and eventually for the world.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

How to stay on track in 2018

/1 Comment/in /by

This week Ed and I were looking at the issues of how to be more efficient in 2018. We were looking at tips and tricks that would enable us to pay more attention and be more effective at what we were doing. The bit that struck me, apart from the many good tips, was our need for sleep. This health online article intrigued me in several ways.

I was struck by the amount of people such as Maggie Thatcher, and indeed myself, who would feel ok getting by on four or five hours sleep and still be able to get up and do a full days work. I was also reminded of the a piece of research I read years ago that I think came from the sleep research unit at Southampton University that suggested that the reason women lived longer that men was because they tend to sleep more. The research concluded that both men and women lived around the same amount of waking hours although women over time slept for more hours.

Anyway in this article researchers in the United Kingdom and Italy had analysed data from 16 separate sleep studies conducted over the last 25 years, covering more than 1.3 million people and more than 100,000 deaths. Their findings were published in the journal Sleep.

The research found that those who generally slept for less than six hours a night, were 12 percent more likely to experience a premature death. However, people who slept more than eight to nine hours per night had an even higher risk, at 30 percent. The researchers also found that people who reduced their sleep time from seven hours to five hours or less had 1.7 times the risk of death from all causes.

Research shows that the healthy amount of sleep for the average adult is around seven to eight hours each night.

People who can get by on four hours of sleep sometimes brag about their strength and endurance. But recent scientific studies show that a lack of sleep causes many significant changes in the body and increases your risk for serious health concerns such as obesity, disease, and even early death.

Sleep is an important function for many reasons. When you sleep, your brain signals your body to release hormones and compounds that help:
• Decrease risk for health conditions
• Manage your hunger levels
• Maintain your immune system
• Retain memory

There is also evidence that the dream part of the sleep cycle helps with the processing of emotional issues while the deep sleep state helps with the repair of the physical body. The research too suggests that you can’t catch up or make up loss of sleep, this is a myth.

It looks like the research is telling us that a regular 7 to 8 hours is good. If we slip into a regular sleep pattern that gives use less than six or more than eight hours we are starting to negatively effect our health.

Building good sleep habits
Now this bit is interesting because it reflects what Ed and I were talking about as a good way to be more efficient in 2018. If you are getting fewer than seven hours of sleep per night. Try adopting some of these practices to help you sleep better and longer:

Schedule your sleep: Your system and your brain both create and exist on habits. Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day of the week, including weekends. Doing this establishes a regular sleep-wake cycle. It may help you adopt the habit of doing the same things each night before bed, such as taking a warm bath or reading.

Avoid stimulants: Caffeine, chocolate, and nicotine can keep you awake past your bedtime. Alcohol may make you feel sleepy initially, but will disrupt your rest later in the night.

Do not use your bedroom as an entertainment centre: Your bedroom should be for sleeping in. Your brain needs to relax. Media, phones, tablets and TVs wake your brain, allow your brains to go to sleep without any stimulation.

Get your lighting right: Twilight, as it gradually gets darker is a signal to your brain to wind down for sleep. Try using progressively dimmer lighting as you approach your sleep time. Avoid going into the bright light of the bathroom to clean your teeth it will only wake your brain. There are some light altering alarm systems that imitate both the twilight of evening and the gradual light of morning, they may help.

Make your bed comfy: A number of new mattresses on the market are aimed at increasing comfort, including those that have “cooling” effects to keep a person from getting too warm while they sleep. Memory foam mattresses conform to a person’s body, providing extra shape and support.

Other sleep aids: Might include eye mask, earplugs, snoring aids, or other tools that will help create a restful environment.

Exercise regularly: Being physically active during the day can help you fall asleep faster at night. Exercise also promotes deeper, more restful sleep. Just make sure you don’t exercise too close to bedtime, since this can leave you too energised to sleep. Exercise of at least twenty minutes a day of raised heart rate will help with this.

Relieve stress during the day: Try adopting some stress-reducing technique before bed. Keep a journal by your bedside to write down what’s bothering you. Start practicing yoga, learn to meditate, get regular massages, or take long walks.

Apps for sleep: When all else fails there are some apps that can help you sleep better. There are self hypnosis apps and recording that may help.

Mindfulnesss Based Stress Reduction – MBSR: An eight session programme is full of techniques and exercises that will help you take control of your system rather than allowing your system to be in control of you.

Whatever your resolutions or intentions for the year of 2018 the issues raised in this blog, if followed, will give you the energy that creates the willpower that will help you succeed.

Take care and have a happy 2018

Sean x