Archive for year: 2020

I guess that most of us would hope that both happiness and success are the same thing. Ed came in with an article by Arthur Brooks “Success addicts choose being special over being happy” that got us thinking. The sub title to the article was…

“The pursuit of achievement distracts from the deeply ordinary

activities and relationships that make life meaningful.”

That statement was what connected with me. I have seen so many people over so many years chasing some notion of success while, at the same time, blindly destroying everything around them.  All got trodden underfoot, colleagues, friends, family, loved ones. When someone is truly focussed on success and see their end goal as the most important thing in their life then nothing else really matters.

“What you feed grows and what you starve dies”

In every area of life in every situation the definition of success will vary. It might be the need to have the most money, the biggest house, the best car, to be the most famous ever, to have position and status. Success truly is in the eye of the beholder.

Are you good enough to be successful?

When we drive for success what we are saying, in one way or another, is that what we are or what we do, is not good enough. We feel a need to be different to what we are and to where we are or even who we are. I am not suggesting here that we should not have ambition or a drive for self improvement, these things are good. It is that when we seek to become the best we tend to see what is around us as not the best. That where we are and what we are is not good enough.

There is often a snobbery in people that would see themselves as more successful than others.

The key feature of mindfulness is to be at peace in the present, in the moment.

Be here now

As soon as we crave things that are other than what we are or have in the current moment we disconnect from the present. The craving for what we do not have now can lead to an aversion to what is in the now. This is often the seed of both depression from worrying about the now and anxiety for worrying about the future.

Fashion is often an accessory of perceived success

Often we define people by what they have, what they wear or where they live. Fashion and possessions are a common methods of broadcasting what success we have. designer clothing, the ‘go faster’ car model, the latest phone or iPad, the watch, the sunglasses, it all tells our story of how we see ourself and how we want you to see us.

The wise sage is often depicted in very simple and humble clothes as a demonstration that the inner world of wisdom is so more much important than the outer world ‘hey, look at me’.

Fashion feeds an inability in many people to enjoy their present moment. Their clothes are not good enough, their house is not good enough, their car is not good enough, their friends and social circle are not good enough. The real tough stuff comes when someone feels that…

…I am not good enough.

Any psychologist will tell that it is hard, if not impossible, to be successful when you feel that you are not good enough. Lack of self belief might be emotional with a lack of confidence and self esteem. It could be cognitive as in ‘I am stupid’ or ‘not clever enough’. It could be social ‘I have no friends’ or ‘my friends are good enough’. The one thing that I am seeing all around me now is ‘my body is not good enough’. It used to be that people bounced up and down on yo-yo diets needing several sets of clothes as their weight went form heavy to light and back again. This has scarily turned into a body dis morphia, ‘my body is so bad that it needs to be changed’. The cosmetic surgeons and the beauty clinicians filling people’s faces with Botox and fillers are colluding in, and reinforcing, psychological and emotional damage that could blight an entire generation or more.

Listening to people who are breaking down because their Botox is wearing off or their lips are sagging and need filling because without it they do not feel the self esteem of success and cannot leave the house. Some people cannot leave the house without make up, ‘putting their face on’. We have created so many ways of confirming  to ourselves that we are not good enough. When you are not good enough you will never be, or feel, successful.

What is success?

Ed has problems with my definition that he sees as being too simplistic but, to me a successful person is some who is waking with a smile on their face feeling good about the day that they are about to have and then goes to bed with a smile on their face feeling  good about the day that they have just had. To me being successful is being happy. I have worked with people who are financially, socially and famously successful who are the most miserable people that I have ever met. I have also met people on my travels who have very little other than the joy of their family and their community and they were amazingly happy.

So, for me it is not ‘is success better that happiness? It is, being happy is being successful, without happiness there is no success.

Take sometime, look at your life and ask your self the questions, ‘am I happy?’ ‘Am I successful?’

One thing that I have observed is that people that do things that make them happy often create success at the same time.

Take care

Sean x

Big question – Is it selfish to go on holiday abroad during the Covid Pandemic?

Between the 1950s and the 1970s Britains favourite holiday destination was Britain. The West Country was heaving with people, not only from the UK but, from all over the world. The area of Torbay was known as ‘The English Riviera’. B&Bs, hotels, caravan parks and campsites were bursting at the seams. Then came cheap air travel and cheaper holidays in poorer countries such as Spain and Greece. With the marketing for cheap flights to cheap hotels and guaranteed sunshine in Spain, “I’m off to sunny Spain” they all sang, the bottom started to fall out of the British holiday market. Could this be the time for the British holiday to come back?

When all that there was, was staycations the road systems in the UK were so bad that to get to Devon from London took long over eight hours. It was easier to set out at 11pm the night before, drive overnight, and arrive for breakfast in a cafe the next morning. Most people would get the train, it was easier and often quicker. Actually, not so many people owned a car then. The railways ran a service where the would collect your luggage from your home. Your luggage would then be sent down to your destination a few days before you left. It would be there waiting for you at your hotel when you arrived. At the end of the holiday the reverse happened and your luggage arrived at your home a few days after your return.

The Council Estates would empty out onto the holiday trains going to Kent, Norfolk, Devon, Cornwall and so on. Train seats would be booked in advance. The best were with a table, where we could sit as a family, play games and watch the countryside rush by the window. It felt like such a big occasion, a real adventure. These days it seems that we do not feel that we have had a holiday unless we have been abroad which usually means taking a plane.

I have only recently really realised the cost to the environment of air travel. The carbon footprint of a long hall holiday, especially in a jumbo jet, would require you to plant seven trees to compensate for it. Considering that I was flying to the Middle East for one week every month I owe the planet a Forrest!

The Real Staycation

The real staycation meant staying at home for the six weeks of the summer holiday. Some of us on the Council Estate could not always afford a holiday even in the UK. There was that embarrassing moment in September when we returned to school and the first thing we were asked to do was write an essay “What we did on our summer holiday”. We overcame the problem by describing what we had as “days out”. Then followed a fictitious account of what would have happened if we had been able to afford to got to the zoo, the Natural History Museum and so on. When we had to read these out to the class those that enjoyed endless trips to the seaside would look sadly at us describing our ‘days out’, we all knew that we hadn’t been anywhere.

There was a time when people worked seven days a week and the only time that they had off were the ‘Holy Days’ of the religious calendar. Eventually Holy Days turned into Holidays and the Holiday industry began. As the train network developed people went to Spa towns to ‘take the water’. In the south Brighton and Blackpool in the north became holiday destinations of choice. Gradually people by the sea or by lakes realised the sales potential of holidays for workers from the factories and the Bed and Breakfast industry was born. Then came the Hotels with star ratings, started by the AA, from two stars to five. Then came the package holiday and the trips abroad.

Is it selfish to holiday abroad at the moment?

We have just witnessed the holiday makers who rushed to Spain as soon as the lockdown was eased, only to find that they were in another wave of infections leading to their return flights being postponed. Holidays cut short and potential for ten days of isolation on their return as they could be bringing the Covid infection back with them and become infection spreaders. Is it too early to return to holidays until we know that the infection has passed? Is it selfish to go abroad on holiday? Should we be deciding to settle for a real staycation?

Holidays in the Uk make sense to me provided that we take sensible precautions and attend to sanitisation. Not travelling too far would make sense for two reasons. One limiting the spread to areas that have been low risk and reducing our carbon foot print.

The ultimate staycation

Many of us, during lockdown, have been having the ultimate staycation. This has been good for some and a horror for others. How did you get on? The are also many people who either from choice or anxiety will remain in a shielded lockdown for weeks or months to come. Some people have told me that they will not be leaving their home until the New Year. Others have developed agoraphobia and fear leaving their home due to the infection. Some have said that will not go out again until a vaccine is in place. That would probably mean that some people will end up being in ultimate staycation for over twelve months.

One thing that I am hearing about is the redevelopment of community. Groups of people, neighbours, family and friends gathering in small community groups for a picnic, bring your own food, and a chat. Some have been so successful that they are becoming weekly events. People are helping each other out from going to the shops to offering technical support, baking treats and delivering them to friends and neighbours. Could this be the start of a new community based awareness?

One of the things that I have learned during the period of lockdown is how beautiful the place that I live is. On our walks and bike rides we have discovered tracks, byways and cycle paths that were unknown to us. These have introduced us to whole areas all around us that we never even knew existed.

Here is a question that occurs to me, Why do we go on holiday in the summer? If we are going to take a flight to somewhere warm why don’t we do it in the dark months of winter when we could really benefit from a vitamin D boost? Perhaps we could spend the summer holidays actually enjoying where we live and getting to know it better.

Whatever you do this summer take care, stay safe and be happy

Sean x

Over lockdown, for a variety of reasons I have worked with so many people that are crying. The tears shed have been for lost friends and loved ones, including animals, for lost opportunities, money, relationships, jobs, from total frustration in the helplessness of the situation, for children and grandchildren not seen, in reality the list has been, and continues to be, endless. Virtually all of these people have had one thing in common, they apologised for crying, as though they had let the side down, are being weak or pathetic. It is as though we see shows of genuine emotion as bad. Well, you know what? crying is good for you. The reasons are quite simple.

Evolution

Like it or not we are evolved naked apes. However unlike all other primates and mammals we have developed a more complex brain structure. The production of endorphins in the brain can lead to chemical over load that can become toxic and damaging. The easiest way to excrete these toxins is through the tear ducts. Subsequently we are the only primates that cry.

Tears

When we analyse tears we find that the chemical make up of tears for example, of anger, loss, laughter, happiness and sadness etc., all vary. Tears are not simply tears they are a specific excretion of chemicals.

Geography and tears

Evolution and geography coincide. Nearer to the equator people are much looser, freer and more emotional. The further north, away from the equator, the tighter and less emotional people become. The evolution of this is that as human beings migrated away from the plains of Africa the climate and the geography made different demands on us. Put simply in the equatorial regions food was plentiful all year around, getting fed was a relatively easy event. The further north you go the seasons kick in and the demands of nature require levels of organisation to enable survival. In short, if the barns are not full at harvest we are all dead come the winter.

Cognition versus emotion

Survival in hostile climates requires organisation and logic. There is no room for emotional out bursts that impede the production to survive. In general the further away from the equator you go the less emotional and volatile things are. It could be argued that with urbanisation and industrialisation that our dependence on the cycles of nature have diminished so that people are now allowed to be more emotional. Our grandparents and great grandparents who grew up before cars, radios, telephones, mobiles etc are often seen as being tougher than the younger generations. Perhaps we are observing their need for stoicism that enabled their survival, the make do and mend not throw it away and get something new culture.

Gender and emotion

Amazingly we still live in the world of ‘Big Boys Don’t Cry’. Well actually they do. It is just that most men are still embarrassed about showing emotion. For some reason, probably to do with alpha males, survival and competition, emotion is seen as being weak. It takes a lot to make or allow most men to openly show emotion and then afterwards most will report being embarrassed.

Health and emotion

This is a big one. When we hold emotion and do not express it there is tension created in the cardio vascular system. Our veins and arteries will therefore be constricted, when we feel free to express emotion our system will then relax. Beyond diet and cholesterol, which are highly significant to health, the constriction of the vascular system due to emotional repression can lead to high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes etc. The biggest killer of people in the UK is cardio vascular problems not cancer. As soon as someone mentions cancer many people become so anxious that they can’t even name it. Yet no one seems that worried about cardio vascular issues, strange!

Longevity

It is not yet completely clear but I suspect that a lot of dementia type issues are the result of or exacerbated by emotional repression and the effect that it has on the vascular system in the brain. Being more emotional and less ‘stiff upper lip’ might actually help us to live healthier for longer. The saddest thing is that alongside ‘big boys don’t cry’ runs the fact that men live about six years less than women. I suspect that if men did feel that it was okay to be emotional and to cry, they might actually live longer.

It is good to show your feelings even if it makes you feel vulnerable. It is okay to show your emotions of happiness or sadness. It is okay to cry. It is healthy to cry. It might just allow you to live a longer and happier life.

Take care.

Sean x

I was mightily impressed with the Jen Reid, Black Lives Matter statue, created by artist Marc Quinn, that was put on to the Colston plinth in Bristol. He named the statue ‘A Surge of Power’. That got me thinking about the statues and the art, design and even architecture around us and the effect that it has on us subliminally, below our awareness.

The dictionary defines subliminal as ‘below the threshold of sensation or consciousness; perceived by or affecting someone’s mind without their being aware of it.’ It makes me wonder what subliminal effect the statue of Colston, as a slave trader, had on the generations that walked passed it?

At the same time Banksy was seen, or not seen in his outfit, putting his artwork in different places on the transport system. All his art carries subliminal messages. Just like advertisers and propagandists artist affect us below our awareness and effect our responses, behaviours and actions.

It took me back to a pod that we did on Nudging which is a modern subliminal way of affecting peoples behaviour below their awareness. This is mainly used in health and safety areas to encourage people to look after themselves. The rumble strips as you approach a roundabout get closer and closer together giving you the sensation that your car is speeding up. Your natural reaction is to slow down. No one has told you to slow down or asked you to slow down you have simply been nudged below you awareness into an action that makes you and other people safer.

Everyday we are nudged by others into doing what it is that we need or want us to do. These can be partners, children, siblings, friends, bosses and so on. If they are subtle we will not realise that we are being nudged. The question is, where does nudging end and manipulation begin? In reality we are all being subliminally nudged and manipulated. We only truly become aware of it when we stop long enough to look and listen to what is going on around us. This is also called mindfulness.

We are right in it at the moment as we are being encouraged to remain socially distanced at one to two metres. Every time you go into a shop there are strips of black a yellow tape showing use the distance that we should be at. Even the fact that it is black and yellow tape is a subliminal message. Poisonous animals in nature such as wasps, bees and snakes colour them selves black and yellow as a subliminal message to other creatures to leave them alone. The subliminal message is that it is dangerous to step over the line. Unless we are blind to it.

The same is true of wearing masks. The subliminal pictures are and will encourage us to use face coverings. The more effective the subliminal messaging the more people will wear the masks.

The Negative Bias

Evolutionary psychology explains that as we, indeed all beings on the planet, evolved we learned pretty early on that staying safe was a very good idea. This meant that we learned to pay more attention to the painful scary things than to the pleasurable things. This is known in psychology as the negative bias. We all know people who catastrophize events, make mountains out of mole hills and always seeing the worst possible outcomes, they are simply playing out the evolutionary negative bias to keep them self and those that they care about safe.

But there is another negative bias that subliminally effects our actions in this pandemic. These are the messages that are put out by the nay sayers. On my social media feeds there are plenty of people that do not believe that Covid 19 actually exists they see it as a conspiracy by ‘them’, who ever ‘they’ are, to control ‘us’, whoever ‘we’ are. I am unsure about the conspiracy theories though I am very sure about the effect that Covid 19 is having on my colleagues in the NHS.

There are two things here. The first is, do you believe that there is a virus or not? The second is that, whatever you belief how do you know what you know? Either way most of what you believe or feel about Covid 19 you will have assimilated it subliminally. The same is also true about your beliefs and action towards climate change. Is it just a fluctuation in the natural weather cycles or are we heading for a climate disaster? Are plastics the scourge that will decimate sea life and destroy the natural food cycles? Or, is it okay to keep on using plastics and dumping them in the ocean? All these questions right down to ‘Back Lives Matter’ are issues that we are being fed information about, subliminally, all the time.

Security and behaviour

Our behaviour is based around our need for security, for our need  to feel safe or normal. This can make us vulnerable to be nudged by any subliminal message that might make us feel insecure or threatened. The easiest way to control people is to feed them negative subliminal messages that engender fear.

Mindfulness is the only option that we have to become truly aware of who we are and what we are doing and also to be aware of others and what exactly they are up to. My stock phrase is ‘what is the sound behind their words? What do they really mean when they said that?’ ‘Can I take what they are saying at face value?’

In mindful awareness we live in a world of choice and if we are being subliminally nudged, but we are mindful enough to be aware of it, we might choose to enjoy it and see where it takes us. After all life is about learning?

Take care and be happy (that is a subliminal nudge by the way)

Sean X (so is the X that infers that I care without actually saying it)