Archive for year: 2017

Wow!, it’s the summer. We generally are hoping that it is hot, but not too hot!

In the colder climates of Northern Europe people are heading south to the sun. Topping up their vitamin D and replenishing their energy before the darkness and the cold of the winter to come. In the hotter humid climates of the Middle East people are heading north to cool down a bit. Turning their back on the sun and the humidity. I only realised recently that people from the Middle East suffer similar vitamin D deficiency to those people in Europe. In Europe there is either not enough sun or people are smothering themselves in suntan lotion to avoid getting burned or developing skin cancer. In the Middle East it can be so hot and humid that people stay indoors enjoying the coolness of the air conditioning and avoid going out in the open. The result in vitamin D loss is the same.

The adaptability of human beings is truly amazing. We have been able to make a life in the frozen wastes of the north and the sun scorched deserts of the equator. Yet, wherever we live we crave the difference of being somewhere else, to get away to take a holiday. Holidays come in two main types. There are those that need to simply get away from something, taking a break or chilling. Then there are those who need to be doing something and take the activity holiday.

Whether your holiday is a stop and chill or a start and do event, what is it that makes a holiday happy for you?

For some couples, the pressure of being together for a long period can prove to be too much and arguments ensue and in extreme cases they can split. The same thing happens just after Christmas in the New Year. But, I digress.

What is your ideal holiday?

For me it is the Italian art of doing nothing and, the place that I prefer to do nothing in is, of course, Italy, “La Dolce Far Niente”. My life is intense and sometimes extreme when I travel for work the reality of being on the plane for a few hours is a welcome oasis of stillness in the everyday madness of life it is my dolce far niente. When I go on holiday that sense of nobody needs anything and nobody wants anything is magical. If I am honest I do not need to leave my house to do that. A chill day in the house can, for me, be a holiday.

But such stopping is not easy for everyone.

There are many people who do not know where their off button is so that everyday becomes a list of things to be achieved. Even the act of exercising becomes another task on the list to be ticked off. The art of being able to simple sit and be, “La Dolce Far Niente”, perhaps with a meal, as a couple, as a family, as a group of friends and to genuinely do nothing and genuinely feel that you allowed to do nothing is becoming a lost art. I see so many people in various organisations who have forgotten how to stop. Perhaps we should change the concept of ‘work hard play hard’ to…

Work hard, but know when to stop

We say that one person’s meat is another person’s poison. We could say that one person’s holiday is another person’s nightmare.

The one thing we do know is that when we take a break that is good for us and feeds our individual needs it has a positive effect on our system right down to the cellular level, reducing stress hormones, blood pressure, anxiety and so on. It is important that you take a break that will work well for you. But the most important thing is that you take a break and give yourself the value of being important enough to look after.

Wherever you go and whatever you do this summer, be happy and enjoy it.

Take care

Sean x

Unless you enjoy confrontation or have a psychopathic tendency chances are you do not enjoy challenging conversations. You may need to deliver difficult or unpleasant news, talk about a delicate subject, or deal with something that needs to change or has gone wrong. Sometimes even just thinking about having these conversations can create a feeling of anxiety or even panic. If you begin to ruminate about the conversation to come you can easily become distracted from the present moment and make mistakes in the present.

I love the word ‘challenging’ in this context. It is rather like when I say that I never have an argument I only have energetic conversations. You may need to be reprimand someone, creating boundaries for them that they will not want, or deliver bad news, perhaps a bereavement, redundancy, job loss and so on.

As we know anxiety comes form projecting forward and then living as though our fears were happening now in the present. Because of this it is important not to wait too long before having the conversation. Putting it off often leads to more rumination and more anxiety. The sooner you do it the sooner it is over. However, the key word is preparation. As they say ‘fail to prepare, prepare to fail’.

What is your desired outcome?
Decide what you want to get from the conversation. Have a clear goal in mind and consider what challenges the other person may have to what you want to say to them.

Where and when will you meet?
Choose your battle ground. Make sure it is somewhere that makes it as easy as possible for you. Where will you meet? When will you meet?

Support
You may need some back up before, during or after the interaction. This is support for you. In a work situation you might need a member of HR or a colleague for support or as a mediator/witness. In other situations you may need another person, as a witness to what is or has taken place.

It also follows that the other person may need support. They may need a family member, a colleague, a union representative or legal representation. If the issue creates high emotion they may need support from someone else such as a bereavement service or other support agency.

Preparation
What will you say? Having an idea of your script takes the pressure off you. This goes back to the idea of what is your goal, what do you want to achieve. It is ok to take notes, even a clipboard to ensure that you say all that you need to. You may also need to take some notes. Some interactions may require further action after the conversation or you may even need to confirm what has been said and agreed in writing or by email. If you do have someone with you for support they may need to take notes.

Ask a question
When it comes to difficult conversations the way that you use words is very important. If you are confrontational the situation will get worse or hotter. Asking open questions is a good way of getting your point across without creating more confrontation.

“Did you realise that when you (did, said, acted) in that way you made (me, him, her, them) feel ???? Is that what you intended? What were you hoping to get from doing it that way?” Or what was your expected outcome? What were you hoping for?

Also, make sure you understand what they are saying to you – “I am not sure what you mean”, and make sure you are understood – “do you agree/understand/ what I am saying”

Setting the scene
If you are arranging things for a difficult conversation you need to consider how you set out the room. Generally it is better that you don’t sit directly opposite each other, this is the confrontation position. Ideally you would sit in a 10 minute to 2 position– (like on a clock face). You should be on the same level and have the same eye level. To sit higher creates dominance, which in some situation you might choose to take advantage of. Never let the other person sit higher than you. If the other person stands up to dominate you, either stand up yourself, providing that it does not increase the confrontation, tell the person that they need to sit down or bring the meeting to a close.

Proximity
Getting inside someone’s personal space can feel threatening. Stay one to two arms length apart.

Engagement
Make sure you are not threatening. Be aware of your hand and face gestures. Listen to the volume of your voice, speak softly and calmly, do not shout. Allow the other person to have their say, don’t interrupt.

Stay on topic
Don’t allow yourself to be side tracked stay with the issues at hand.

If it becomes heated or you feel that you are flagging
Take breaks if needed, get a coffee

Be self aware
Take responsibility for your own feelings do not blame what you feeling on the other person.

Outcome
Look for a resolution. It may be prudent to give way, allowing the other person to have their point rather than needing to get your own way – you do not need to be right

Take care and look after one another ☺

Sean x

When I talk to people about generosity the first thing that comes into their mind tends to be money. There are many levels of generosity that I will come to later but let’s begin with the idea of money and stuff. Most selfishness, xenophobia and meanness is about our inability to share money, possessions and things.

Now, many psychologists tell me that selfish hoarding is a natural selection trait that developed in the evolution of our social psychology to ensure individual survival and the survival of our genes in the gene pool, ‘the selfish gene’ and all that. I can see that, and I see how we as groups developed socially to create alpha males and alpha females right through to the entire inequality of social structure that now dominates all human interactions today. The only thing is, that I really don’t buy it, I don’t believe it, I don’t believe that this is simply the way that it is.

Equality in action. When I look at the remaining hunter gatherers on the planet, who are the nearest that we can get to our ancestors, I see an equality that does exist in the agricultural, urban and industrial societies of today. For hunter gatherers everything is shared. It is a case of WE own this not I own this. When a hunter from the group catches an animal to eat, it does not belong to the hunter alone it is shared equally with the group. The sense of my and mine is superseded by the collective of we and ours.

Can you imagine a world where we shared our food so that no one went hungry? We shared our resources and technology so that everyone had a place to live, were warm and safe?

Generosity requires that we examine our current concepts of ownership and perhaps make some adjustments for the good of us all. My fear is that if we do not we will begin to see the decline of humanity.

So what about other areas of generosity?

Physical generosity
To hold a door open, help someone on or off a bus, to help someone across the road, cut their grass, to go out of your way to help them ‘doing’ something is an act of physical generosity.

Social generosity
To check that another person is okay, that they have a dinner at Christmas, that they are not alone or lonely, to run them to the hospital, look after their kids, pick them up when they fall down are acts of social generosity.

Experiential generosity
To run scout clubs, take the poorly to Lourdes, to raise money for charity e.g. comic relief, children in need, cook meals for the homeless and help in the homeless shelter on Christmas Day, to run a Newspaper that only tells good news are all forms of experiential generosity.

Financial generosity
To give 10% of your net income to the poor and needy, to support children in foreign countries, to give money national and international appeals are all forms of financial generosity.

Responsible generosity
To sit on committees, to be a school governor, to be an advocate, to help out in the local CAB, to volunteer to help adults to learn to read and write, to set up protest groups against planning applications, to fight for the rights or those killed at Hillsborough are all forms of responsible generosity.

Spiritual generosity
It may not feel like it but when you open the door to someone who wants to save your soul by promoting their faith, is their act of spiritual generosity. To act Dharmically, to always do the right thing, and to do your best in every situation, to consciously not hurt or damage other people and if you do then doing your best to repair any damage, to try and get the best for all, are acts of spiritual generosity.

To have an open heart, sharing love and care, doing what you can to help and assist others in whatever way is necessary and appropriate is generosity.

One last thing. To be able to accept the generosity of others requires that you have a generosity towards yourself. Charity begins at home we cannot accept the help and generosity from another if we do not value ourself, feel worthy and worth it. First love yourself, then love others.

Take care and be happy
Sean x

This week Ed and I were looking at how to cope with the behaviour of someone close to you that you do not agree with, even to the point where a close family member is doing bad things. We got an email from a listener who wanted to know how they could cope with a cousin who’s behaviour was potentially harmful to members of the family. This is interesting because in most cases that examine the law of allowing do so from a macro perspective like issues of war or terrorism. Yet, the law of allowing is operating every minute of every day sometimes in small and often insignificant things that happen all the time.

The issue raised here is how does tolerating bad behaviour fit with the Law of Allowing. Well it doesn’t. Let me explain.

The Law of Allowing is not passive
It is often a common belief that the law of allowing implies a passive acceptance of other people’s behaviour, it is not. We should always confront injustice and never allow it to dominate.

“The only thing you should be intolerant of is intolerance”
Plato

Your emotional litmus paper
You may remember from your chemistry classes at school that litmus paper is used to dip into a liquid to test it’s Ph, to decide if it is acid or alkaline. Our emotions are just like litmus paper and show us a similar response to any situation. Straight away, our emotions indicate to us if this is good or bad, right or wrong. Some people will call this our gut reaction. Our emotions are telling us whether or not we should proceed. In the same way we would say ‘if it feels good do it, if it feels bad don’t do it’.

What is it when we react?
When we have an emotional reaction it is usually present in our body as an intake of breath, increased heart rate and perhaps, the activation of the fight, flight, freeze reaction. But, why are we reacting?

A reaction is telling us that we have a problem. It is the difference between a response and a reaction. When we respond we mindfully observe the situation and make an ordered decision as to what we are going to do about it. When we react our cognition tends to go for a walk and our emotions take over.

How powerful is your reaction?
We all have problems. Sometimes those problems are hidden and we may not even know that they are there. It would be good if there was something there that would let us know when we have a problem that needs to be dealt with. Well there is, it is our emotions.

When we experience something we may register that it is wrong and decide to do something about it. This is a response. When we experience something that makes us angry, we have high levels of energy that might make us shout or lash out, this is a reaction.

When we react we are describing unresolved emotional issues that are within us. Let’s say that we were abused as a child, when we watch news casts of child abuse on the news our reaction may upset us or make us angry or irrationality volatile. We are reacting because we have unresolved emotional energy within us and we are re-activating these unresolved issues.

If we were abused but are able to respond to the news and not become irrationally angry, we are describing that we have dealt and processed those emotions within us. This is the difference between a reaction and a response.

The degree of the energy of our reaction within us describes how much of an unresolved problem that we have.

What is the point of all this?
When you react negatively to an event you should look within and decide how much of the problem that you are experiencing is your unresolved emotional issues and how much is related to the current situation. When you have continuing high levels of reaction I suggest that you seek psychotherapy and talk it through.

Do not be passive
I am not suggesting that if you feel anger or high emotion you should not do anything. It may be that you are right about the person or the situation that you are experiencing.

The law of allowing is not passive. When we react we are not allowing. When we respond we are allowing.

We must remember that within the law of allowing we need to look after ourselves and allow our self to be fulfilled and happy and respond mindfully and be prepared to change things when they are not.

Take care

Sean x