Regaining Trust

/1 Comment/in /by

On the podcast this week Ed and I were talking about trust and what happens once it has been broken. So much of what we are and what we do in society is based on trust.

On the trading floor of the Baltic Exchange the world’s only independent source of maritime market information for the trading and settlement of physical and derivative contracts commits it’s international community of over 600 members encompasses the majority of world shipping to a code of business conduct overseen by the Baltic that is “My Word Is My Bond”.
In the exchange every deal and transaction on the busy trading floor is done on the trust that what I say I will do. Millions of dollars are traded everyday on this “trust”.

Since 1744 Baltic Exchange members have undertaken to commit to this code of conduct. Those who breach the code are expelled.

We see codes of conduct, or trust, established for many business and professional areas. When we see the doctor we ‘trust’ them to act in our best interests as we do with the solicitor, teacher, financial adviser and so on. When people break the code, or the trust, they are turned out of the group. Priests are “defrocked”, service personnel “court-martialled”, doctors are “struck off” Baltic Exchange members are “expelled”. Even in our social groups we expel those that don’t adhere to the social code. We “send them to Coventry” and we no longer talk to them or acknowledge them.

Trust works, or is broken at all levels of human interaction. The most problematic and therefore the most common in the consulting room is unfaithfulness in relationships. When this contract is broken we call it separation or divorce.

In all forms of broken trust the issue is can we ever put it back together, can we learn to trust again and how will it effect the rest of our life?

This week we received the following email…

My ex wife had an affair that I discovered. Some 2 years after our divorce I’m now with someone else and I find it difficult when she goes out in the evening as I fear she might be unfaithful (even though I have no evidence she would be). I find it tough to deal with that / things are good when we’re together but it’s difficult when we’re apart as my mind imagines all the things that could happen.

In this case the person above, who has been let down, has carried the issue of hurt and loss with them into their next relationship. So often we are loaded with unfinished emotional business from our past that is effecting our present.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

Trust is a strange thing. It assumes that we can rely on another person to do either what they agreed to do or what we expected them to do. My teacher told me that my need to have trust from others was misplaced and could never be. When I protested he told me that “trust is what happens to a chicken before you put it in the oven!” His point was that a chicken before it is cooked is trussed so that it will not move while being cooked. He said that when we put our trust in other people we truss them into an immoveable position. This is an impossible thing to do because people can never be trussed or fixed. They are moving living breathing, developing, learning beings who will always change and will never stay the same.

When it comes to relationships research shows us that up to 60% of people have affairs. Which means that we have less than a 50% chance of having a faithful relationship. The two questions this raises is why, and can we put it back together after the event?

Why?

When asked ‘why?’ most people say that they needed some attention. For the majority sex was never the issue. If was mainly the feeling that someone wanted them, appreciated them, desired them and most importantly listen to them and made them feel valued and important.

Now, there will be a percentage of people who are serial philanderers who will never truly commit to a relationship, there will be those that are addicted to the dopamine, the love drug, generated at the outset of a new relationship and there will be a percentage of people on the psychopathic spectrum who lack any real empathy.

As the majority of people are not psychopathic, philandering love addicts, we need to look to communication as a key to the maintaining a relationship. It is said that “those who eat together stay together”. In most cases couples who talk and do things together create the emotional bonding that is oxytocin in brain chemistry. Oxytocin is what binds a mother to a child and members of a relationship to each other. Couples who communicate stay together, those with active oxytocin stay together.

Can we put it back together?

The simple answer is normally “no”. However, it does not have to be that way.

In the workplace I get involved in myriad mediation cases that often come to nothing or are at best a papering over the cracks with an agreement for the workers to act professionally with each other in the future. Once the trust has gone the professionalism is a mask.

With couples in the consulting room I find that it is usually fairly clear. Most women seem prepared to give it another go after their man’s infidelity, though it may take them much work and time. There are few men prepared to give a woman another chance. For those that do choose to stay together and have a go at working it out there are some things that need to be done and said.

The new contract
You need a new contract that involves letting go of the past. This is what we deal with in the first step of the live in the present course. Until we let go of that past it will always drag us back and tip us moving forward. It is like a weight that will hold us back.

Forgiveness is hard. If you have never considered it have a look at step one.

Most importantly if you have problems letting go of your past email in and take some time to deal with your issues, don’t allow them to ruin your life.

Take care be happy and do not allow your unresolved past to wreck your present. Deal with it, seek therapy and enjoy your life.

Sean x

How to be Happy

/1 Comment/in /by

Is happy news good?

As a psychotherapist I have worked with thousands and thousands of people as individuals, couples and, groups. There have been those that are naturally happy and positive and those who see the world from a negative point of view. Over the years I have learned what it is that makes happy people happy and unhappy people unhappy. Happy people do certain things in certain ways. It is all in how they focus their thoughts and feelings.

It would seem obvious that we would, or should, be attracted to good news. Yet what we see is that “bad news becomes good news” because that is what sells newspapers. Good newspapers commonly only last for about three episodes.

Today in the podcast we were celebrating the third episode of The Happy News Paper,. Both Ed and I hope that it will keep going for many more episodes. We hope to have its founder and inspiration designer Emily Coxhead on the podcast. We highly recommend that you check out Emily and her work with the happy newspaper.

What makes you happy? It is good to review what it is that makes us happy. The Live In The Present book seeks to change the negative into the positive, like an alchemist turning lead into gold. It explains how happiness is a choice. Here are some ideas about happiness.

Positive body image
Happy people move their bodies. Exercise is not necessarily formal, you don’t have to go to the gym or play an organised sport. Taking a walk around the block, taking the stairs and not the lift, having a run or jog rather than walking and walking short distances rather than taking the car or the bus, are all forms of exercise. There are two important benefits that come from exercise. The first is that you don’t build up weight and that keeps your heart, lungs, muscles and joints healthy. The second is that people who move their bodies have higher levels of happy hormones, endorphins, in their brains that make them feel happier. If you are really game for a laugh you can attend a gym, go for more formal cycle rides and runs, walks and rambles, Zumba, Salsa and so on. Moving your body makes you happier.

Who are your friends?
Happy people build powerful social relationships. Human beings are group animals. Just like monkeys and chimpanzees we identify with being part of a group, tribe or family. Having mates and friends gives us a sense of belonging, value and support. We have people to talk to, people to share our problems with, people who will support and care for us. As the world has industrialised and the large extended families have broken into smaller nuclear family units the rate of depression and anxiety have dramatically increased. The W.H.O. is predicting that by 2020 depression could be the second most common cause of death. We know that people living alone, especially men, die younger. Having friends and strong social relationships makes you happier.

When did you last have a challenge?
Happy people do things that challenge who they are. Your brain and your mind are designed to be creative. It is this part of human consciousness that has powered all of evolution. Having a challenge keeps your brain awake.

Gratitude does your body and mind good.
It helps you cope with trauma and stress. Being grateful can increases your sense of self-worth and self-esteem and helps dissolve negative emotions and strengthens the immune system. An attitude of gratitude leads to happy people that overcome pessimistic thinking in three ways, focusing their time on positive energy and thinking in the knowledge that all things pass and no situation however difficult lasts for ever.
Gratitude creates happiness

Mindfulness leads to positive attitudes.
Mindful people develop healthy coping strategies, encounter stressful issues positively. Happy people become skilled at seeing the good that might come from challenging times. Mindful people take care of their mind and body and manage their stress. Mindfulness helps you focus on what you really want.

Most importantly, what you feed grows and what you starve dies. If you read bad news papers your focus will be on the negative. If you choose to read good news your focus will be on the positive.

Thoughts become things, what you think about you bring about.

Many people who wake up to the negativity that is in regular news stop listening to news broadcasts and reading newspapers altogether. My stance is that I need to be informed but not inundated with negative messages. And, I like to tune into some good news because it makes me happy.

What do you choose to focus on? Positivity is a choice.

Take care and be happy

Sean X

This is not about ‘us’ and ‘them’!

/1 Comment/in /by

In the EU debate are you an ‘innie’ or an ‘outie’?

I will own up to my own position at the outset, I am an ‘innie’.

I don’t think that we Brits are that good at inclusion. We will tell ourselves what good chaps we are and can list or recite all the good things that we have done in the world and for the world. Yet, as an island community we do tend to see ourselves as separate from the rest of the world and also, as we wrestle with the idea that we are no longer an empire and that Brittania no longer rules the waves, we see ourselves as being able to punch above our weight. Perhaps now is a time for a little readjustment.

The countries that form mainland Europe do not have a sea between them to protect them from one and other, subsequently they have had to learn to co-operate in ways that we on the Island have not needed to. That cooperation has, at times, broken down and led to major conflicts such as the First and Second World Wars. That is why the idea of a European community was formed.

The League of Nations was an intergovernmental organisation founded on 10 January 1920 as a result of the Paris Peace Conference that ended the First World War. It was the first international organisation whose principal mission was to maintain world peace. Its primary goals, as stated in its covenant, included preventing wars through collective security and disarmament. (Wikipedia)

This first attempt to create peace in Europe failed and the world fell into the Second World War which began when Germany made an unprovoked attack on Poland. Britain and France declared war on Germany after Hitler had refused to abort his invasion of Poland. The Second World War was, it seems, to do with the clashing ideologies of fascism and dictatorship versus democracy. The fascist countries of Germany, Italy and Japan banded together in an attempt to dominate and rule the world.

The big idea behind the EU (and ultimately the Euro) is a simple one. If you get nations to trade and share their institutions, then they are less likely to go to war. Co-operation rather than confrontation was the order of the day. It seems to be a valid principle, as Western Europe has been at peace for nearly seventy years and counting. (http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/why-the-euro-was-created.html:)

The principle of collective self interest makes sense to me. It feeds into my basic life philosophy that if we all look after each other then we will all be okay. The problem with all groups is that either you are in or out of the group which creates ‘us’ and ‘them’. We see this with all groups, black vs white, gay vs straight, men vs women. This sense of separation is the human problem. Religion has, and continues to, create move division in the world. I wonder how many people have been killed over time for religious reasons and how many wars have been waged because “God is on our side”.

The myth of us and them

For the last few months I have been listening to people around me talking about the EU as “them” when “they” are actually “us”. The way the systems works is that there is an agreed democratic forum that we belong to, it is a parliament. We, like all other member countries appoint european MPs through our voting system. These MPs represent us and vote on all the laws that effect us and every other member of the European community.

We pay our taxes into the system, as does every other country, and we get money back, as does every other country. The xenophobic element in each member country wants the autonomy of not being subject to the group and wants out, they want to leave. That seems to leave us with two fundamental choices.

1: we return to the pre war situation of individual countries vying for their own self interest and potentially recreate the same issues that caused the world wars.

2: we work together within the European Community and beyond to bring people together and avoid the conflict of ‘us’ and ‘them’.

Staying in the EU will involve communication, argument and debate. It might not be easy but as members within the group we retain the ability to change it. Leaving the group leaves us isolated and we become on of ‘them’ being outside of the group with little or no influence to effect or change the evolution or Europe.

Nightmare Brexit Scenario

How about this, we leave Europe, Scotland decides to leave us and rejoin Europe. Wales could easily follow as the Welsh assembly is now recognised as the Welsh parliament. Northern Ireland could also choose to join Europe. Even Cornwall, that has its own flag and its own status with Europe could rejoin Europe. The Channel Islands would also, probably, join Europe. The USA have made it clear that they would seek other areas of influence if we are not in the EU. That would leave England as a small country off the coast of Europe with the 14 protectorate communities around the world.

I keep hearing that we are the fifth largest economy, though some statistic say that we are the ninth, but that includes all of the United Kingdom. If what is left is simply England it becomes quite small.

Of course I could be completely wrong and leaving maybe the best option. We will only know after today’s vote.

In or out be happy and take care

Sean x

The Rhythm of Life

/1 Comment/in /by

In this weeks podcast we had Steve with us, the master drummer who spends his time helping people find their beat, lovely guy doing amazing work!

The universe has a beat, it has a rhythm. The whole of creation moves at a pace. This is the rhythm of life. Are you living in time or out of time?

If you stop, become still and listen you will hear your own heart beating. Some people, when they are learning to meditate, find this eerie or disturbing. Every time that your heart beats it gives off a little electrical signal that goes off into the universe just like the ripples flowing from a stone that has been dropped into a pond. This is your call sign that states to the universe that you exist, that you are alive. This is you individual rhythm.

When a group of people or animals come together they begin to harmonise their rhythm. Heart rate, blood pressures and hormonal excretions become more alike. We all know the story of a house full of female students, or a nunnery when, over time, the menstrual cycles of the women begin to fall in line and they develop periods in unison.

The same is true of all groups. When I run a course I have the three week rule, no new members after week three. This is because within three sessions the group bond has been formed. What that really means is that the group has begun to harmonise together so that when they enter each session their heart rates, respiration and many hormones will be matching and harmonising.

Once any group has formed the emotional experience is that we are now an ‘us’ and anyone new that joins feels odd, they are one of ‘them’. Groups even begin to smell the same and we may experience that other groups, nationalities or ethnicities smell different to ‘us’. I have an image hear of dogs smelling each other’s bottoms and what they know from doing so. I know that if you dropped me anywhere in France I would know that I am there because France has a smell that is peculiar to itself. It is not a bad smell, quite the opposite, it is just that it smells of France. The same is true in the spices of the east, or the tannery in Kidderminster.

There are ever smaller rhythms within all matter that go right down to the cells, organelles, atoms, particles, quarks and the source energy. The other way the rhythms are ever bigger as the Earth turns and the moon marks the months increasing and decreasing the tides, the earth moves around the sun and the sun around the galaxy and the Galaxy around the universe.

All that happens, on every level happens in time, in beat, it has its own rhythm.

Your individual rhythm is individual and peculiar to you. Those around are either in the same or similar rhythm so that you feel that sense of belonging or it is the other way you feel out of step with those around you they are working in a different rhythm and you feel the odd one out as though you don’t belong.

When you begin a new job it feels odd, you are not yet in rhythm. After a period of induction you feel that you suddenly belong, you have harmonised. In group dynamics psychology gives the process of harmonising the rhythm of groups names – forming, storming and norming. The important word in that is the ‘norming’ or normalising. When we have normalised to the group we have adopted their behaviours ether good or bad. The people that controlled the concentration camps of the Second World War began as normal everyday people who normalised to the brutality and killing of extermination. The monks in an ashram arrived as regular normal people and normalised into mediation, prayer and good deeds.

Often we normalise to what is happening around us below our awareness. The group or heard instinct can be negative as in a riot or positive as the collective response to the giving following a disaster.

Once we understand that the universe at all levels is in beat and time the next question is am I in beat with where I am? That might be mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, financially and so on. If not, then it is time for change and that will normally mean action, same behaviours will always lead to the same outcomes. When we want a different out come we have to change the behaviours. To do this may simply be the decision to act. Sometimes it will require some mindful meditation and for deeper issues psychotherapy.

Question: how do you know if you are in, or out, of rhythm?

Well, that is what your emotions are for. They tell you if you are in tune or not. In tune equals happiness, fulfilment, contentment and so on. Out of tune equals unhappiness, anxiety, depression and so on.

As King Louis said in the jungle book ‘you gotta get in the beat’.

Finding your rhythm and living it, is the only life lesson that any of us really need to learn. Listen to the beat around you and if it doesn’t make you feel good play a different one.

Take care and be happy

Sean X

How to Live in the Present

/1 Comment/in /by

Choice

This weeks podcast included our good friend David who came on the LITP course as a student and then joined the team and led all of the practical exercises. We were talking about how doing the course had changed his life. The issue that it raised for me is that of choice.

Many of us see our lives as simply the way that it is. In mindfulness everything is a choice.

The way you feel, what you think, the way you act is all a choice.

The issues of the mirror exercise was raised. This is the idea that when you get out of bed the first thing that you do is go to the bathroom mirror, look yourself in the eyes and say “I love you”. Many people will say that they find it difficult if not impossible. When this happens we can find many reasons why we can’t do it.

The bottom line is that we choose all that we experience in life. Thoughts become things. We have decided what we will see in the mirror before we get there. This, in my mindfulness courses, I describe as composure.

Composure
Before someone sits down to meditate they have to prepare. This includes preparing their environment. Where will you practice, how it is lit, how it will smell, what to sit on, what to wear, will there be sounds. We are preparing by getting our attitude right letting go of any negative thought, feeling or resistance to the practice. When we do not get the composure right the practice is not so good.

Below our awareness we compose ourselves before we do anything. Before we eat, before we go to the theatre, before we watch a TV programme and so on. You did it before you read this blog.

The point is that we are making choices all the time whether or not we realise it.

In awareness, we realise that we have choice. Every moment of every day, in all events, all the time, we have a choice. Either we make decisions that serve us well or those that serve us badly. And, we can decide to change at anytime to make life better.

You may want to go back to the episodes on the podcast where you can do the LITP course and use it to audit where you are in life.

Be happy and remember that life is always a choice.

Take care

Sean X

Fear of the unknown – the EU debate

/1 Comment/in /by

This week Ed and I were talking about the EU referendum and the Brexit campaign and the fear that we hear around us about the fear of change and the unknown.

Are you a ‘innie’ or an ‘outie’? Most of the people around me are talking about our relationship with Europe from the fear of immigration.

It would seem that xenophobia is alive and well as we decide about whether or not we leave the EU. Dislike of, or prejudice against, people from other countries is what I hear from those around me is, in my opinion, the most destructive emotion that humanity can have. Many of us seem to be currently obsessed with keeping our borders shut to outsiders as though we own this country, yet we are all outsider.

The original peoples of Britain as far as I can understand it were the Celts, Gaels and the Picts. The Gaels and Picts were collectively known as the Gaels, or Gauls. These people inhabited Gaeland, which later became Scotts and Scotland. These other Gaelic people that lived across the British Isles were collectively known as Celts.

If we assume that these Gaelic speaking people were the original inhabitants of the British Isles what happened to them? Why are they now only in Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Cornwall and Brittany?

Well, from just before the first century, successive arrivals or invasions from other countries gradually pushed these Celtic people from their homeland of England into Cornwall, Wales, Ireland and Scotland. The Romans invaded Britain in 55bc and remained here until 410 AD. Following their departure Germanic invasions in the form of Jutes, Angles and Saxons began and the nation of Angle-land or Eng-land began with a developing identity and language.

Around 790 the Vikings started invading and controlled vast areas of the country known as the Dane Geld. The Normans appeared in 1066 with Willian the Conquerer who defeated Harold the Anglo-Saxon King, at the battle of Hasting. Following the Norman invasion of 1066 another Danish invasion in 1069.

These great influxes of new people to these Islands were violent and involved war and occupation. However these were followed by further influxes of people from all over the world that were encouraged and enjoyed.

In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries there were waves of Jewish immigration from the Pogroms in Russia and Eastern Europe. In 1951 there was the first phase of encouraged immigration from the West Indies. Followed by waves of Asian immigration as people were expelled from Kenya and Uganda in 1972.

It becomes clear that Britain, like most countries in Europe, is a melting pot, of nationalities and that no one here can truly call them-selves a native Britain. My own ancestral line includes Chinese, Negro, Irish/Celt, Jewish and Viking, yet I see myself as British.

I get it that the resources of any country are limited and that the rate of immigration needs to be regulated but I don’t see that as a reason to leave Europe.

It seems to me that the human family in all its shapes, colours and sizes with all its religions, philosophies and theories, it’s arguments and disagreements is, in the end, the same family. We are all brothers and sisters and strangers are only family that we have yet to meet. The wellbeing of humanity is served best by people coming together not separating.

Staying in Europe may be difficult and maybe a challenge, it may require communication, negotiation and frustration but that is the human story. If Europe returns to the self interested countries that existed before the First World War we are simply recreating the very conditions that led to war in the first place and look where that got us, first the depression followed by the Second World War.

My nightmare scenario would be that we succeed from Europe, Scotland succeeds from the UK followed by Wales and maybe even Cornwall that has been given special status by the EU. That would leave England alone, a small island off the coast of Europe.

We assume that we have a special relationship with the USA. Well, all relationship are conditional and if we are outside of Europe I suspect that the relationship would be a little less special that it is now. If you follow that with the possibility that Trump in the White House perhaps there is no relationship at all.

Whether we remain in or out of Europe the need for human beings to look after each other and to work towards a common unity will be the only thing that will save humanity from destruction and extinction. War and the illusion that self-interest is a good idea has to be the most outmoded thought process on the planet. Yet, many of us hang on to it learning nothing at all from history.

Whether or not you vote in or out share your love with those around you. We might just be able to create heaven on Earth.

Take care and be happy

Sean X

Are you selfish enough?

/1 Comment/in /by

You are being selfish, is that so bad?

Is it wrong to be paying attention to your own wants, needs, and well-being? If you believe that selfish behaviour is immoral or bad then you may be just missing the point. The question is what is life all about?

When you were born your life was, and is, about you and your fulfilment and happiness. We often believe that a good person is someone who thinks of others first. It is as though it is more blessed to give than to receive. Is that really true

I like the idea that charity begins at home. In the idea that I can only allow you to love me, if I love me first. If I don’t love me then how can I allow you to love me As well? If I don’t love me and you say “I love you”, then I will think that your are mad. Why on earth would you want to love or like me if I see myself as not good enough?

Thinking of yourself first seems to contradict the idea of positivity, something that we Brits can see as arrogance. Yet what becomes clear is that self-prioritising and attending to your own needs and wellbeing allows you to be emotionally fit enough to attend to the needs of others.

There is an odd paradox.

We all do what we do because we (selfishly) feel that it is the right thing to do

When Mother Theresa looks after the poor of Calcutta it is not that she is a saint, it is that she is doing what she feels is the right thing for her to do. What we see as saintliness may just as easily be termed selfishness.

For example I choose to work with others as a therapist. Many people will tell me and others that I am a wonderful person waxing lyrical about what a good chap I am. The reality is that I choose to use my life energy to support other -people because it makes me feel good or I would not do it. It is based on my basic belief that…

If we all look after each other then we will all be ok

Selfishness is actually normal and as it should be. The positive people do what they do because it makes sense to them to do it. In that sense we are all ultimately selfish.

I believe that we are all selfish. We all do what we do because it makes sense to us. The doctor, banker, nurse, businessman, care mechanic, shop worker…..

Mindful selfishness
When our own needs and desires are in tune with other people so that the things that we are doing are of benefit to others then we are a positive influence. Those that are truly mindful are able to move beyond their own ego need to include the needs of others.

If I am selfish and my self includes my family, community, culture, my religion, my nation, or even the whole of humanity then I identify you as myself. If I identify you as myself why would I want to hurt you, be unhappy, go to war with you, allow you to starve or be homeless.

At the point where human beings are totally selfish and see all of creation as them self then we have got the point of being alive and being a part of creation. We are all one and we all care for each other as we care for ourself.

Be selfish and look after yourself

Sean X

Stop Trying to Be Perfect

/1 Comment/in /by

Do you need to be perfect or are you perfect as you are right now?

I am walking down the road and looking at the people coming towards me. I am surprised by the amount of women who are obviously ‘Botoxed’ and have fillers creating that ‘trout pout’ look. To me they look ugly and disfigured but I realise that to them they are on a path to creating what they see as the perfect version of themselves. As I think about it this striving for the perfect body assumes that the body is imperfect to begin with, that worries me.

The problem is that we don’t celebrate imperfection – perfection is in the eye of the beholder.

When we drive towards perfection it affects all that we think, feel and do. Being a perfectionist eventually becomes a fools errand because we can never achieve it, the state of perfection. It is good to be particular about things and to get things as right as we can but, as soon as we step into perfectionism we are heading for failure and with that comes depression, frustration, anxiety, anger And even physical or mental illness.

If the perfectionist drive is towards yourself it may involve constant self criticism for not being good enough in the way you look, the way that you perform in your job, relationship, friendships and so on.

We have even started testing our children at very early ages with Sats tests that, for many will confirm just how imperfect they are.

The perfectionist mind set includes:

Black-and-white thinking
So that anything less than 100% perfection is a failure. 99% is never good enough
For many, especially males, the need to seek help from others will just show my imperfection and weakness.

The anxiety of Catastrophising
Like all forms of anxiety perfectionism can lead us to project forward to futures that my never happen and to live them in the present as though they have.
The fear of making a mistake in front of my peers the fear of upsetting others can lead to inaction to maintain our safety.

Negative scripting
Deciding before an event that you will fail. Knowing that your presentation, assignment will be terrible, believing that you actions will be criticised. This often leads to high levels of performance anxiety, generalised fear and even social phobia and isolation, avoiding making friends and going out or meeting with others.

Ought, should and must
These words, perhaps with the addition of “can’t” are often related to a preconception of perfection that either I am not up to, or even that I don’t want to do, but I feel that to do the right thing or to be the ‘perfect’ person, I have to do it.

Body perfectionism
As I mentioned at to outset the need to have nose jobs, face lifts, boob jobs, trout pout, tattooed eyebrows, or even tattoos come to that, all these things start from the point of view that my body is imperfect and that I need to do things to make it perfect. Often the need to change the body becomes addictive as it is never quite the perfection that we are seeking and more and more adjustments are required.

The response to perfectionism
When we begin to define ourselves as an imperfect person the drive towards perfectionism takes us one of two ways. Either we work ourselves into the ground through fear and anxiety in a constant bid to get it right in the eyes of others and to be seen as a good, intelligent, perfect person or we fall into the opposite camp of procrastination. Many perfectionists develop chronic procrastination as a way of giving up and stepping out of the stress and anxiety.

OvercomIng perfectionism

Rational realistic thinking
Adults with perfectionism are often very self-critical of themselves and need to replace their self-critical perfectionistic thoughts, feeling and statements with those that are more rational, realistic and helpful. This is often called ‘reframing’.

Positive affirmations – Positive self-talk
A good practise of reframing your thoughts and feelings is to repeat helpful positive self-statements regularly to yourself. Even if you do not believe what you are saying right away, if you do enough repetitions you will eventually turn your positive rational, realistic thoughts into new habits, that will help overcome all of your negative self-talk.

Some examples of positive affirmations:
“No one needs to be perfect”
“My best is good enough”
“Getting things wrong does not mean that I’m stupid or a failure”
“I am like everyone else”
“Everyone is allowed to make mistakes”
“I do not need to be pleasant all the time”
“Everyone has a bad day sometimes”
“It’s okay that some people don’t like me”
“No one is liked by everyone”
“I love and approve of myself”
(© AnxietyBC and Louise Hay)

The most important attitudes to have to both yourself and to others is compromise and tolerance

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder
We are all perfect as we are. Whatever age, size, shape, colour, ethnicity, religion, culture and so on, we are all perfect.

Take care and be happy with you as you are right now

Sean x

The value of routine

/1 Comment/in /by

Habits create routine and routines create habits
It is said that we are all creatures of habits. I guess that if you subtract your bad habits from your good habits you will have some idea if, over all, your habits are serving you well or ill. Habits, as we have said many times in our podcasts are built through consistent and persistent practice. This is termed routine. This is because we become whatever it is that we pay attention to. Most habits develop subliminally below our awareness simply from what we are doing most of the time. Our habit forming process is neutral. Your mind-brain system does not care if the habits you create are positive or negative. To your system they are just habits.

We can choose our habits
When we consciously decide what it is that we want to do with our every day lives we mindfully create positive habits that make us happy or that give us the best out of the situation that we are in. We have the capacity to build many good habits throughout life by actively, consciously and mindfully participating in what we are thinking, feeling and doing. If we simply work on a default setting we simply create habits without realising if it’s good or bad. Then we say, “that’s just the way that I am” and I say “no, that is the way that you have chosen to be through the habits that you have developed”.

Most routines and therefore habits, develop below our awareness
We live in a world of routines all the time. We live in minutes, hours, days, week months and years. The seasons roll around each year over and over again. We live in monthly cycles and yearly cycles that we do not question, they simply are what they are. The only time they are questioned is when they are subject to change. Changing habits is rarely easy.

The point is that once it is a habit, you no longer need to think about it, it is just what you do. This is automation. Once a routine is automated, positive habits increase our efficiency and happiness by enabling you to do things without thinking about it. This is equally true of negative routines which is why we need to be mindfully vigilant of what routines we are engaging in.

The good thing is that if you automatically get things done, you do not have to remind yourself, you just do it. When a habit is a habit nothing slips, everything gets done and you save all the time you would have wasted deciding what to do with your day or life.

It may take time to develop a habit but once it is a part of routine you no longer need will power or motivation you simply just do it. That is why relying on routine to accomplish a task is a lot easier than relying on willpower and motivation. Yes, when establishing a routine, you do have to will and motivate yourself to stick to the routine. But once the routine is set, it is on autopilot and the need for constant willpower and motivation is no longer necessary.

When I am teaching mindful meditation I tell the students that the practice should become like brushing your teeth. If you went out of the house in the morning without brushing your teeth you would feel odd or that there was something wrong. If you have the habit of meditation and you miss your practice, in the same way, you would feel that something was wrong.

People that develop routines get things done
There is something about creating routines and positive habits that allows us to become more efficient and effective as people. We get things done and complete tasks.

Spontaneity
To be a well organised person that lives with routines does not takeaway spontaneity. To have routines does not mean to become fixed or immoveable. The world of routines can be flexible. The powerful thing about a habit is that it is never lost. The routine practice of any activity for 90 days will encode the habit into long term memory. You never forget how to ride a bike or to swim. Once a habit is there, it is there forever and can be called upon at will. The formation of habits are the routines that we live by,

Choose you habits, ensure that they serve you well and be happy

Take care

Sean X

Intelligent Energies

/1 Comment/in /by

This week Ed and I invited Jeff Jefferies to join us on the podcast. Jeff is an expert in the use of intelligent energies. He uses his ability to manipulate the energy of the universe to effect healing, even over great distances, and to ease geopathic stress.

Geopathic stress is like a block or a knot in various places on the planet that negatively effects people and animals that come into its energy field. When I listen to Jeff talking about his work he sounds like an acupuncturist placing a pin into the blocks and knots in someone’s body to release their emotional tensions.

We all live within a sea of energy. Quantum physics tells us that inside all matter are atoms and inside all atoms are particles. Each particle is comprised of three sub particles known as quarks. Below quarks are what is described as ‘source energy’. It is from this source energy that quarks are formed.

Quarks gather together in groups of three and form particles. Particles gather together into atoms and atoms form molecules and molecules into elements. Elements form matter that forms planets, which gather together into planetary systems and galaxies that form the entire cosmos.

At a biological level the elements come together to form organelles, which are sub cellular components, that in turn form cells. Cells form organs and organ systems that form bodies, bodies form families, societies, cultures, nations and indeed all of humanity. In fact, all that is comes from source energy. Source energy is therefore the basis of all that we can experience.

When quantum physicist talk about source energy it sounds like descriptions of God, “it always has been, always will be, cannot be created or destroyed, it just changes its form…” and so on.

Source energy may also be described as Prana, Nard, Chi, Ki, and in some cases as bio-energy, cosmic energy, or universal intelligence that may also be described as consciousness.

When trying to make sense of this energetic world, that exists beyond, within and below matter, the word ‘intelligence’ seems to be crucial and raises the question ‘does source energy manifest itself with intelligence, is source energy consciousness?’ If the answer is ‘Yes’ then all of creation is purposeful and meaningful. If the answer is ‘No’ then all of creation is a random event that has no purpose or meaning. I am in the ‘yes’ camp. I see life as intelligent and I see the things that happen to me and to you as meaningful and purposeful. Of course, this could just be my way of making sense of life and could just be my fantasy.

Many groups of people have named source energy as their own, and only God. Each group or religion have created their own book of words to explain to their followers what source energy is and how we should interact with it. Having travelled the world and having talked with many learned and enlightened beings my conclusions is that we all experience source energy in our own way. Perhaps there are as many descriptions of source energy as there are people that experience it. In that sense all of creation is a mystery that human mind seeks to understand and all create stories to try and make sense of it.

However it is that we acknowledge or experience source energy we have to agree that it exists. If it did not exist then life itself would not exist. I think source energy is like electricity in that I can’t see it and I can’t smell it but if I touch it, it gives me a good belt. I cannot see electricity but I can see what it does to lights bulbs, powers TVs and other devices, motors, tools, and even cars. I see source energy in the same way. I can’t see it and I can’t smell it but I can see how it manifests in all of creation around me. I can feel it and experience it in my mindful meditation, in my intuition and creativity and also when I do massage and healing.

My own conclusion is that energy is neutral it is neither good nor bad positive nor negative. Electricity can power a healing scanner or a killing electric chair. Source energy is used to create both saints and sinners. After all goodness and badness are constructs that we experience from our own point of view. It is the issue of one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. It is all relative. However, in the extremes of energy we have those forces that seek to bind things together that I would describe as love, be it gravity of societal cohesion and those forces that seek to push things apart and are destructive that I would describe as hate.

The question that is raised by practitioners such as Jeff is ‘can we manipulate or direct source energy? And In terms of the above paragraph can we turn bad into good or hate into love. Jeff’s work and the effects of Jeff’s work would suggest that we can.

I have direct experience of source energy both as a body worker from when I was trained in Ayurvedic massage and as hands on healer. I have also seen many healers doing amazing work with people and animals. I have seen dowsers finding water sources in arid land and experienced acupuncture and acupressure and have studied and practised pranayama, (Prana = energy, Yama = control).

The more we understand source energy in the physical world then the more we understand the truth of matter and quantum physics. The more we understand source energy in the psychotherapeutic world the more we understand about consciousness, intelligent energies and the meaning of life.

While such understanding has been known to a few, through what is termed as ‘enlightenment’, we are at the brink of a new development of human consciousness. The Aquarian Age is about individuals becoming self aware and taking personal responsibility for the world around them and the effect that they have upon it. The previous era, the Piscean Age, was dominated by gurus, avatars, doctrine and religions.

This will be an interesting 2000 years. It is said that at the beginning of an era there is chaos before the new order begins. In the chaos there are often wars and a break down of the current order of things. As I look around me and suspect that humanity is winding up for another World War I assume that the source energy is intelligent and that it’s manifestation, whatever it is, will be meaningful. However, I do know that Jeff and the other healers of the world will be there turning negative energies into good ones and my hope is that more of us will wake up enough to assist in the task of creating heaven on earth, that we could have right now if we chose to do so.

Take care and be happy

Sean X