Archive for year: 2019

The Uk was stunned recently by the American diplomat’s wife who allegedly killed a young man who was riding a motorcycle and then chose to claim diplomatic immunity and leave the country without having to face up or atone for her crime. This raised a lot of issues in the press and general conversation about the nature of justice. The issues of prison, punishment and retribution have been ongoing debates for hundreds of years and have led to extreme behaviours. At one end is the world of retribution and the extremes of sharia law at the other end are the liberal world of rehabilitation and learning.

I realised as we were talking about it that my own belief structures deal with this for me. It goes something like this. I see life as reincarnation and ongoing. That means for me that no one ever gets away with anything, that there are no free lunches and that all debts must be paid in full. I accept that for many people such ideas might seem ridiculous, for me it is very real.

The idea that life goes on and that our actions are all consequential is the basis of karma or what goes around come around or the idea that everyone gets theirs in the end. Quite simply  the concepts of Karma are those of the consequences of action. Karma acknowledges that the things that we do have an effect, this is the consequence. Attached to that is our responsibility for what we do and the effect that it has on both ourselves and on others. 

Often karma is mistaken as a law of negative retribution. But like most laws in the universe karma is neutral it is not concerned whether or not the effects of what we do lead to good things or bad things. Just like gravity, which has a universal effect on all things, karma is always in operation. It is true that if we treat other people well then the likelihood is that they will treat us well in turn, this is good karma. If we are treated badly because we have treated others badly then this is bad karma.

But we have a choice to allow the negativity of others to flow by so that we do not become attached to it. This is letting go of emotional negative attachments it is the forgiveness as described in step one of the Live In The Present book. We have a choice as to whether or not we become involved in karma. In this way we are responsible for how we feel about all that happens to us, even the most horrible and dreadful things. It is also the basis of how we see other people and how we judge the actions of other people. We are all judgemental and see the world from our own point of view. ‘One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.’

We can become attached to the consequences of our actions or the actions of others. But, we do have a choice, we do not need to hold onto negative feelings. When difficult things do happen to us rather than seeing them as hurtful or bad things, we could perhaps just view such things in a neutral way. Or we might even see them as useful things from which we might learn and grow.

We don’t have problems we have learning opportunities

Often, when I work with people who are in difficult circumstances, the therapy is about them realising their own responsibility for their situation. Many of us want to blame others for how we are. It will always be true that the things that we experience will have an effect on us, but we have responsibility as to what we allow that effect to be.

We are never effected by events, it is our response to those events that is the effect

Because we choose our responses we can become intimately tied up in our experiences and create own karma. In the end we can never really blame other people for how we feel or for what has happened. Understanding this leads to personal growth.

If, after a difficult experience we can then choose to get our own back, we then get involved in retribution and vendetta. By doing this we feed and build our negative attachments or karmas and we do not grow or develop.

Both individually and collectively we have to decide how we will treat the wrong doers in our society. For some the thief should have their hand cut off or their forehead branded. For the liberalist the thief should be cared for, understood and re-educated. Neither way is right and neither way is wrong. It is simply that each has a consequence. Once we choose a consequence we choose what it is that will happen next. All the time we are either feeding or resolving karmas.

What you feed grows and what you starve dies

Take care, be happy and let go of hate or negative attachments

Sean x

We are back to international mental health day. there is a big push this years to encourage people to talk and many celebrities have lined up to be honest and tell there own stories – it is good to talk

Mental health is generally defined as something like,  

‘a person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being’.

According to .gov it is…

Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood.

Are you sane or mad?

I don’t believe in sane or mad models of human behaviour, I think that we are all mad it is just that we all have differing levels of madness that manifest in different ways. Think of it like this…

Imagine a cartwheel. The hub of the wheel is your core self which we might think of as the sane you. Out from the hub extend the spokes of the wheel. Imagine that each one of these spokes is an emotional or mental health spectrum numbered from 1 at the hub up to 100 at its end . So if one spoke is labelled ‘Anxiety’ where would you put yourself on that spectrum, 1 being no anxiety ever at all and 100 being continual full bloom panic attacks? We will all appear on the anxiety spectrum somewhere and depending what is happening in our lives we will be moving up and down sometimes more anxious than at other times.

If we look at the other spokes we will score somewhere on every spoke. There is depression, obsessive compulsive behaviour, anger, bereavement/loss, claustrophobia, agoraphobia, insensitivity, bullying, substance abuse, attention deficit, eating disorders, post trauma…in many ways this is endless. 

Mental health, just like physical health, is not in a static state, it fluctuates depending on what is happening and whether or not we are looking after ourselves. Just as our body will get ill from time to time so will our mind and our emotions. A virus in the body will keep on relocating until the resources of the body muster a defence and destroy it. It is the same in the mind and the emotions. One we get a little thought or feeling and start to ruminate on it, then it will grow and get bigger until we muster the defence mechanisms to overcome it.

Staying emotionally fit requires that we give ourself both the value and the time to attend to our needs. These may be physical, mental and emotional. I am forever asking people ‘what have you done for yourself in the last week?’ Sadly many people answer ‘nothing’ and then they wonder why they do not feel so good. You are the most important person in your life and if you do not look after you then you will never be able to really look after another person.

When you have become emotionally unwell it is usually time to talk. That might be to friends or family or you might require some more professional support from counselling or psychotherapy. You may also require some medication, just like your physical body, sometimes needs a hand to get things right.

The big message for this year’s International Mental Health Day is don’t hold it in and keep it to yourself, talk, share and let it out.

Take care, be happy and keep talking

Sean x

 – maybe you can lift it with some positive mindfulness

This week we were looking at the concepts of stress. We both identified that we have experienced that bone tiredness of stress and fatigue. We were talking about how we each get stressed and what we do with it. My route, after venting, is to resort to mindfulness  and meditation on the basis that i can let it go and stop ruminating. That got me thinking about the differing levels of stress that can so easily become fatigue. Real stress, not just being busy, becomes debilitating,

Fatigue is a different thing to tiredness. Tiredness can be resolved with a little rest, relaxation or sleep. Fatigue is like being bone tired, it is deep down inside you and the more embedded that it becomes the more it takes for you to get beyond it and hopefully get rid of it.

The experience of fatigue has been given many titles, some of which are accepted by the medical profession and some are referred to psychology as though they do not really exist. From my work as a psychotherapist I see many forms of fatigue. In most cases the experience of fatigue is a learned habit, and as you know from the live in the present work, all habits can be changed or replaced.

Let’s have a look at a few reasons for fatigue.

Under-load is the opposite of over-load. When someone is under-loaded they have little or nothing to do. This is the classic couch potato. There is weight gain, poor diet, and a resultant lack of energy. 

Clinical depression, is when the body chemistry is out of balance and can only be adjusted with medication. This chemical imbalance can create feelings of fatigue. Clinical depression is mainly treated with medication along with psychotherapeutic support.

Reactive depression  is when we have been subjected to an emotional trauma that has effected our body chemistry and created an imbalance. Again medication will help but the key here is psychotherapy.

SAD seasonal depression is when the vitamin D levels drop in the winter due to the reduced sunlight. This can be treated with vitamin D supplements.

Repressed anger is when people have internalised anger about people or events that is not dealt with or resolved.

Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome (PVFS)  this is when the body system has been compromised by the infection and needs to rebuild itself. Some medication will help but in most cases it is time, good food, and rest.

The following are not recognised by all medical authorities who can sometimes write of people’s fatigue as psycho-somatic. These include:

Myalgic Encephalomyelitis  (ME) 

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome CFS

Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome CFIDs

In some cases even polymyalgia and fibromyalgia are seen as all in the mind. However, my colleagues in the pain clinic successfully treat many forms of fatigue using traditional medicine, psychotherapy and even acupuncture. 

Overcoming fatigue usually means that you have to take responsibility for your own system and become the expert in your own body and your own emotional system. It does start with ruling out health problems first.

So here are some ideas that you might consider.

Lack of sleep is bad for you. If you sleep less than seven hours or more than nine hours per night you have a problem. Less sleep indicates anxiety and more sleep indicates depression.

If you can’t sleep find out why and do something about it. Excess weight will also make you tired as will stress. If you find that you feel down in the winter and have SAD syndrome, get a vitamin D test, talk to your GP and maybe consider investigating St John’s Wart a herbal broad spectrum anti-depressant.

Things to consider…

Exercise – get your heart beating fast for twenty to thirty minutes everyday

Yoga – is a good way to promote feelings of relaxation and reduce fatigue in you muscles

Hydrate – with water, drink around 2 litres a day, feed your body and your brain

Bed early – get enough sleep but not too much

Meditate – research suggests that the ratio of meditation to sleep is about 5 to 1, that means that 10 minutes good meditation or relaxation is the equivalent of 50 minutes of sleep

Siestas! Afternoon nap – and power napping can boost your energy and you immune system

Don’t ruminate

When you ruminate on an issue it grows in your mind – ‘What you feed grows and what you starve dies’. The more you ruminate the more it takes over your system either good or bad.

The last bit is have some fun. Laughter and smiles that can raise your spirit and reduce your feelings of stress and fatigue.

Take care

Sean x 

I am looking out of the window of my apartment in Doha Qatar.  Below me the City speeds about and I can see at least a thousand houses. Each house is full of people, thousands of people. The roads are full, sometimes gridlocked, as all these people rush from somewhere to somewhere else. They are all in a frenzied dash that is, for many human beings throughout the world, normal everyday life. I am struck by the overwhelming concept of ‘just how many of us human beings are here living on this planet?’ 

Ed and I were talking about nature, being in nature and living with nature. He has just arranged a family cycling day which attracted over 300 people who took their cycles on private tracks through a private estate. The families were riding through the woods in touch with nature. Also that day it rained quite a bit, so there was a lot of mud! It seems that this just added to the fun and that sense of being free and in the woods with nature.

It can be hard in a desert that is distinctly beige to feel connected to nature. I am used to the European landscapes of rolling green hills and mellow fruitfulness. The sandy colours seem so flat. I also realise that people living in very hot countries do not go outside very much. If I walk from here to the store it is exactly one kilometre which would be no big deal in the UK but in 45 degrees with 80% humidity it can feel quite a task.

Talking to Ed and looking out of the window makes me realise how easy it is to lose touch with nature. We seem to have become pretty clever at creating artificial environments to be in. So here in the Middle East we go from the air conditioned apartment to the air conditioned car. On work days we then go from the air conditioned car to air conditioned office. At the weekends we go from the air conditioned car to the air conditioned shopping mall and all the time we hardly touch nature at all.

But the same is also true in Europe. We have created our artificial living environments with double glazing and central heating. In one part of the world we have created a way of living where we go inside to get out of the heat while in another part of the world we go inside to get away from the cold. Either way we have ceased to live with nature.

I am struck by the idea that should the electricity fail so that we could no long cool or heat our living spaces we would shortly die out. I suspect that we have become so removed from nature that we would no longer know how to live and survive without the technology that surrounds us.

The technology is really great. It created the iPad that I am typing this on and the recording facilities that we record the podcast on. It will also have created what device you read this or listen to the podcast on but, without electricity all of this, all of our lives and our well being would come to an immediate end. With global warming if we all retreated to the woods and lit fires to survive we would just make the situation worse. I agree that we need to get back to nature but we need to get back on her terms not ours. My fear is that we have become to disassociated from nature that we no longer really understand what our relationship should be. The only people left on the planet who would understand this are the Amazonian Indians who, as hunter gatherers, are in and with nature every day. Sadly these poor souls, who may have the key to our survival, are being displaced and having their environment degraded and destroyed by the mad rush to clear what is left of the rain forest. 

I have a feeling that decisions about our future on this planet will, if they have not already, be taken out of our hands. Mother Nature is a nice girl unless you cross her and then she gets her own back. The loss of the dinosaurs or any of the other mass extinctions that have happened throughout the life of this planet are Mother Nature simply re-establishing a balance.

So my message is, for each of us to stop and have a think about what it is we can do to stop the destruction. No matter how big or small it all helps! Oh and spend more time in nature 🙂

Take care

Sean x

Nudging is the art of persuasion that is carried out below someone’s awareness. This  is mainly used in health and safety areas as we encourage people to look after themselves. The rumble strips as you approach a roundabout get closer and closer together giving you the sensation that your car is speeding up. Your natural reaction is to slow down. No one has told you to slow down or asked you to slow down, you have simply been nudged below you awareness into an action that makes you and other people safer.

In the game of life we all seek to nudge others into doing what it is that we need them to do. If we are subtle they will not realise that they are being nudged. Many people get outraged at these ideas and ask me where nudging ends and manipulation begins? Perhaps the issue is in the eye of the beholder, as I say we are all doing it anyway. Perhaps manipulation is more negative and nudging more positive.

A while ago when we were looking at persuasion I suggested other words that we might use or think of instead of persuasion such as teaching, training, encouragement, seduction, inducement, punishment, cajolery, extortion, manipulation, coercion, bullying, brainwashing, exhortation, fear… I am sure there are more. Perhaps we then need also to consider the common vehicles that are used for persuasion such as media, news, propaganda, prejudice, gossip, faith, belief and our good friend advertising.

The Negative Bias

Evolutionary psychology explains that as we, indeed all beings on the planet, evolved we learned pretty early on that staying safe was a very good idea. This meant that we learned to pay more attention to the painful scary things than to the pleasurable things. This is known in psychology as the negative bias. We all know people who catastrophize events, make mountains out of mole hills and always see the worst possible outcomes, they are simply playing out the evolutionary negative bias to keep them self and those that they care about safe.

It seems strange that the negative message should be more powerful and create more attention than the positive one. Just turn on the news and see this being played out. Simply ask yourself ‘why is news always about bad things happening? Why don’t we pay as much attention to the good news as to the bad?’ The bad news is potentially telling us about things that may threaten us and from an evolutionary point of view this was more important than being happy.

Security and behaviour

Our behaviour is based around our need for security, for our need  to feel safe or normal. This make us vulnerable to be nudged by any message that might make use feel insecure or threatened.

As you will realise my current hobby horse is Brexit. The Brexit movement was all about nudging people with the feeling of fear and threat. When the statement that we would be able to put £350 million back into the NHS it was not talking to our positive self as in ‘oh that is good we will have more money for health’ we heard the message with our negative bias, ‘Those Europeans are stealing our resources’. This plays right back to the evolutionary negative bias it is as though the tribes in the neighbouring territories are stealing our food and resources. The natural response is to move away from the source of the threat,

Now, if I say ‘if we leave Europe it is the stupidest thing we could ever do. We will all suffer, be worse off and create more instability in the world that leads to wars, death and violence…’ all of which I do believe by the way, what I have done is just attempted to nudge you into voting ‘stay’ in the next referendum b y appealing to your negative bias. If I were to appeal to the positive side of your nature and tell what wonderful people the Europeans are and how much we benefit from being involved with them, the message does not have them same impact.

Nudging and persuading is what we are all doing all the time, if not with others then with ourself. How do you nudge yourself to go to the gym when you are feeling like you can’t be bothered?

Mindfulness is the only option that we have to become truly aware of who we are and what we are doing and also to be aware of others and what exactly they are up to. My stuck phrase is ‘what is the sound behind their words? What do they really mean when they said that?’

In mindful awareness we life in a world of choice and if we are Being nudged we might choose to enjoy it and see where it takes us. After all life is about learning?

Take care and be happy (that is a nudge by the way)

Sean X (so is the X that infers that I care without actually saying it)