TSHP190: How to overcome shame

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What’s Coming This Episode?

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I have felt shame and have felt it too.

You know that feeling you get when you want to tuck yourself into a tight little ball, roll into dark corner, and disappear? That! Let’s dig deep on shame…

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Shame

Shame just like beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it is one of those things that is driven by the way that we see our selves and the way that we see the world. When a terrorist bomber is brought to court for killing many people, we might expect that they would feel a sense of Shame for the pain and destruction that they have caused. Yet they may be feeling the joy and jubilation of a planned project well executed or that they have just struck a righteous blow for their religion or political beliefs.

Shame comes in many forms. Some will be generated internally while others will be imposed on us from the outside, maybe by the media, teachers, parents, religious leaders and so on. The world may seek to shame us for what we are, who we are or for what we have done. To be truly shamed we have to feel it.

We cannot be shamed without our consent

Donald Trump is the latest public figure to say and do things that many people feel and have expressed, that he should be ashamed about. At some level within himself, Donald may be feel that the things that he is expressing, his beliefs, are valid and justified and so do the many millions who voted him in. The other millions who did not vote for him may feel that he should be ashamed of what is saying and doing but which side is right?

The answers is that the both are right, but from their own point of view. Equally, they are also both wrong from the other point of view.

Shame in therapy
In therapy the shame that people are feeling may have other words attached to it such as guilt or regret. In this sense we might consider several forms of shame that we might be feeling.

Shame of what I did do happens when I can see the error of my ways. It might be that things that I have done, which I am now ashamed about, were intentional and now looking at the consequences I wish I had never done them. Maybe I can no longer look other people in the eye and feel embarrassed shame.

The shame of what I didn’t do happens when I realise that I should have done something that might have helped or saved a situation or another person. These feeling of having failed or let others down may be internalised or they maybe the subject of public concern. I have worked in many situations where a person has been sacked or prosecuted for failing to carry out acts under health and safety situations that led to harm, potential or actual, of others, even to the point of death.

There is a song that I always think about as an expression of the shame felt by a man concerning what he didn’t do

You were always on my mind

This is an expression of shame as regret.

The shame of what I think or feel is something that can haunt people. Perhaps we find ourselves wishing others harm and despite our beliefs we keep finding ourself dwelling on perhaps horrible images or intentions. In Buddhism the thought, because it is the precursor of the action, is seen as the same as the action.

The thought is the same as the deed

The concept that living Dharmically, or rightly, leads to positive Karma, or outcomes, is in Buddhism taken to the level of thought.

Issues of depression or anxiety can often be the result of ruminating on the past or the future and not living rightly in the present. Those people who believe in, and live by the philosophy of Dharma and Karma, often see it as being about physical acts and physical consequences. Actually there are karmic consequences at every level of our being that have a direct effect on who we are and how we feel.

Overcoming shame
The ability to overcome shame involves firstly the awareness to see what is really going on. Is the shame that we are feeling to do with what other people are imposing upon us or is it generated from within us. These are the concerns dealt with in step one and two of the live in the present course and philosophy.

When we live in a Mindful present, when we are truly in the moment, the effects of unresolved past do not affect us. It may be that we need to let go of past attachments to the actions of our selves or others so that we stop reliving what was or what did happen.

Forgiveness involves removing our attachment to what other people did to us. Forgiveness is a difficult concept for many people to enact because they see it as justifying the actions of others as though we are saying that what they did was ok. If you are the subject of abuse you may well feel shame for what you did, what you were made to do. Or even the fact that you felt the need to keep it all secret, often because of the ‘shame’ of other people knowing and for fear of what they might think. When you are feeling this type of shame sanity comes from forgiving those that have done us wrong. Or, if forgiveness is too much to consider, think of it as simply letting go of the negativity that you are feeling and holding, give the emotions back to the perpetrator.

Rumination of failure involves projecting into the future and feeling the results of failures that may never happen, right now in the present. Perhaps we are required to make a presentation or take an exam and we have already decided that we will be useless and fail at the task. In this case we have written a script that ensures our failure so that we can feel shameful of who we are and what we are unable to do in the future right now in the moment. When we do this we often become stuck because ‘what is the point of even trying’.

The shame of addiction is when people internally, or externally, or both, don’t want to be doing whatever it is that they may be doing so they try to hide their addiction from others to avoid their own feelings of shame. This maybe substance addiction, gambling addiction, porn addiction, perversion and so on. The shame is in the fear of being found out and the consequences of being found out so it all becomes a guilty secret driven by shame.

If you have done things that you now wish that you had or had not done then face it. Do what you can to repair the damage, apologise and if necessary seek forgiveness and then let go and get on with your life having learnt and grown from the experience.

If things that been done to you have left you with shame, forgive the perpetrator, let go of any negative attachments that are holding you back. Learn the lessons that life has taught you and move on.

Shame and self esteem
If your shame saps your self esteem and makes you feel unworthy in any way then get some therapy and go through that emotional audit that allows you to re-evaluate who you are, give your self new values and esteem, love yourself and be happy.

Take care and live in the present

Sean x

TSHP189: Can self help become selfish?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

300x250_1Ed read an article recently which prompted this week’s episode. Can too much self help make us selfish? Does too much time spent on ourselves lead us to neglect the world around us? Let’s dive in…

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Is Self Help Selfish?

One of the good things about being older is that it gives you a clearer perspective on social trends and how fashions change since your childhood. I can remember when we all wore tight trousers and then fashion created bell bottoms and flares followed by the extreme of loon pants. I remember looking at them with disdain thinking that I would never wear such things. Yet within a year, without even realising it, I was walking around with material flapping around my calves. Things change, society changes, often we do not realise it, we simply comply like sheep. This is never so much as it is in our attitude to society and those around us. One of the biggest and continual changes that I have observed is our attitude to what is good for us.

Trend Gurus
This weeks podcast came from an article that Ed was reading in the Guardian. In the article “Self-help works for us as individuals – but as a society we’re failing”- Gabby Hinsliff was having a good kick at the trends that drive our behaviour and people that create these trends. Well worth a read.

Trend of the moment
Currently the world seems to have gone mad on avocados because they are supposed to be magically health giving. In a short while they will be replaced with yet another superfood. As poorer countries feed the need of westerners that are destroying their own environment that cannot be replaced once this fashion comes to an end

According to News Week,
‘Global demand for avocados is fuelling deforestation in central Mexico due to the high price the fruits fetch. In the mountains of Michoacan, the state that produces the majority of Mexico’s avocados, farmers have illegally destroyed swathes of forests, cutting down pine and fir trees in order to plant more lucrative avocado trees instead’

The same is also true in other countries.

The selfish soul
One of the points that Gabby makes is that these fashions, trends and drives are all a bit ego centred and involve high levels of selfishness that are based around “I”, “me” and “my” and fail to take into account the bigger picture and how “my” action might effect other people. She identifies the drive towards self development as the same as what I just described with avocados. If my need to be as healthy and fit as I want to be is it ever ok that others should suffer to fulfil this? Often when we follow the latest trend, due to a lack of awareness, we feed the disintegration of social cohesion.

For the human race to survive we need to learn to share and look after each other. Are the things that we have for “me” or for “us”. Has society become so egocentric that the concepts of “we” and “us” have become devalued in favour of “me” and “mine”?

Maggie Thatcher famously told us that society and community does not exist and opened the door to the Yuppy culture. The young people that have now grown into the adult managers, politicians and leaders and often, sadly, have brought these values to the workplace. In many organisations the workers are no longer people they are functions and the workplace is no longer a community, it has become a process.

Hygge
We recently did a podcast on Hygge, the Scandinavian appreciation of the cosy comfort and society, family and friends and the values of mutual support. When our latest fad for food or new piece of technology takes us away from communication with friends and family with those around us, we are participating the destruction of community and society that Maggie Thatcher identified.

When our drive to have things overshadows the needs of those who have nothing we have lost the point of humanity. It can never be right to go to bed on a full stomach while those next door have empty bellies.

If we all look after each other we will all be ok

With this simple philosophy we could solve the worlds problems in an instant.

“Us” not “me” – “We” not “them”

To change things requires a shift in our thinking and feeling. It requires Mindfulness. We need the current popularity of Mindfulness not to become another fad but a shift in human consciousness that takes us closer to being a true family of being. As Mitch Albom put it in his book “the five people you meet in heaven”…

Strangers are just family that we have yet to get to know

So, back to where we started. Perhaps we don’t just need individual self help perhaps we need social self help. Maybe consider re-inflating society. That might start with you saying ‘Hi’ to your neighbours and spreading out from there to get involved in your community and the people around you.

Take care and be happy

Sean X

TSHP188: The Power of Islam

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What’s Coming This Episode?

300x250_1The subject of faith crops up a lot during our conversations. Mindfulness ins’t quite a recognised religion yet buy perhaps that’s for the best given the rough ride that Islam has had of late. We thought it was time we learnt more about what it really means to be a practicing Muslim in the 21st century.

Huge thanks to friend of the show Rahmen for his huge input this week. So much to learn from and digest (spoiler – it turns out we can all learn a lot from what Islam stands for). This one is an epic…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Islam

This week we had Rehman Khan on the show. I met Rehman at an away day with one of the American companies that I cover here in the UK. On the away day I was giving an introduction to Mindful Mediation. For the practice session I used a breath focus technique during which Rehman fell asleep. It was quite a shock to him that he could be that relaxed. In our subsequent conversations we discussed how he might include this feeling of calm relaxed, focus into his daily prayers, something that he has managed to do and, reports, has enhanced his prayer. Following this I suggested that he might like to come onto the show to give his view of God, spirit, religion and his take on Islam. This is certainly worth a listen and holds the record as the longest podcast that we have done.

The thing that struck me during and after the podcast was not the differences between beliefs but the similarities. And how the flow of philosophical belief is like an evolutionary tree. It came to me when Rehman was talking about the prophets that are referred to in Quran. My own philosophical base originates from the Ayurvedic discipline that would be identified with the teaching of Krishna, but has then been modified by philosophy, psychology, quantum physics and mindful psychology. That got me thinking about those minds that have effected the way that we think and the things that we believe. So, with a bit of Google and some books I created a timeline of philosophers and prophets. It strikes me how one follows another and though it may be at odds with it’s predecessor it often would not exist had it not been for the predecessor. Judaism leads to Christianity as much as Christianity leads to Islam.

The thing about those people that shape what we think and what we believe is that they have taken the time to think, meditate and consider the nature of things. Conclusions about ethics, morals and the rightness of behaviour are in the realms of philosophy and are always open to interpretation, evolving just as human consciousness evolves.

It is said that the first prophet was Adam, of the garden of Eden, who is said to have lived between 100 and 200,000 BC. Whether or not such a person existed is open to speculation. But I guess there needs to be a starting point. Both the Bible and the Quran acknowledge Idris or Enoch 99,620 BC who is said to be the embodiment of patience.

My own philosophies begin with the people of the Indus 4,000 BC and the start of Ayur Vedic Science. The avatar or prophet Krishna 3,227 BC featured in the books the Mahabarata and the Ramayana and the acclaimed Bhagavad Gita that set out the laws of Karma, the result of action, Dharma the science of correct action. In the Ayurvedic and Yogic Cannon is the seven fold chakra system, not dissimilar to the ark of the covenant, or rainbow, found in the story of the flood with Nuh or Noah 2,800 BC.

The same stories are repeated throughout religion and philosophy telling the stories of spirituality, charity, love, forgiveness through Ayurveda, Judaism, Hinduism, Sikhism, Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Spiritualism, Philosophy, Psychotherapy and modern Mindful Psychology. Even the modern versions of Christianity, the Christian Scientists, Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons, Baptists and Seventh Day Adventists are all saying similar things.

The more I talk to people of different faiths, beliefs and philosophies the more I realise how alike we all are. The problems begin when we distinguish our group as different from others and create “us” and “them”. It is then that we believe that “we” are better than “them” and can justify going to war against “them” and killing them, whoever they are.

The more we communicate and the more we listen to others the more we realise that we all aspire to the same things. We all want to be warm, fed and able to raise our families in safety.

In the end the only religion and philosophy relevant to us all is …

,,,if we all look after each other then we will all be ok.

Then we can all live safely and happily together.

Whatever your faith and belief and however you see your God, or not a God, be happy and look after each other.

Take care

Sean x

TSHP187: Can Money Make You Happy?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

300x250_1It’s an age old question with an array of different answers but when has that ever stopped Sean and Ed discussing a tricky topic?!

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Can Money Make You Happy?

The answer is no, unless you are an addict and even then it will only be temporary.

We are back to our old friend Dopamine, the love drug. Dopamine is produced in the brain and leads to feelings of joy and excitement. Dopamine is produced in response to a stimulus such as drugs or alcohol or to a feeling as in love, attachment or expectation, or to an action such as driving fast, jumping out of planes or bungee jumping. In fact Dopamine is reproduced in response to anything that we label as fun and exciting. While we can all enjoy the ‘wow!’ feeling of Dopamine and may enjoy it or look forward to it, the stimulus response cycle may not dominate our life. When the craving, or drive towards a Dopamine hit begins to dominate our existence and our behaviour we have an addiction.

Addiction is probably the most misunderstood aspect of human experience. We tend to see addiction as a bad thing that happens to bad people, or to people who have been led astray by others. If you enjoy the feeling of exercise and look forward to the next class you are describing your addiction or need for stimulus and response that is driven by your need for Dopamine. We are all addicts.

Try changing the word addiction to habit and it might be easier to understand. If each day you pray, meditate, attend church, go for a walk, talk to a particular person, eat a certain thing for breakfast, whatever is your habit. But if you feel odd or out of salts when you are unable to or do not complete your habit you have an addiction.

When you wake up in the morning if the first thing that you do is to check your phone rather than acknowledge your partner, you have a phone addiction. If you do acknowledge your partner prior to using your phone then you have a partner addiction that we might label love. If your first action in waking is to go and get a coffee then you have a caffeine addiction. Even if you drink decaf you still have a coffee addiction. Once we can see our habits, repeated activities, often enacted below our awareness, as addictions we can begin to understand the addictive quality of the human psyche.

Addiction disorder
Anxiety has kept human beings alive throughout evolution. Anxiety disorder is when we have continual production of stress hormones when there is nothing to feel stressed or anxious about. There is also the realisation that we can create the same anxious effect in our system by simply imagining an anxious situation so that our body mind and brain react as though the event is actually taking place in real time right now.

Our entire system works in this way. We may become aroused by imagining a sexual situation it does not actually need to be happening for the aroused response to take place. The same may be true of drugs, going to church, or taking exercise. The anticipation is so powerful that the dopamine begins. However the needs of Dopamine need to be fulfilled. If there is not fulfilment of the anticipated outcome the response will either be a withdrawal response, that may include depression or there may be an increased drive towards the anticipated addiction. In drug and alcohol work a common phrase is “the addiction always comes first’, this need to fulfil the Dopamine cycle can be to the detriment of relationships, jobs and emotional stability and even life itself.

Addiction disorder happens when this simple, normal and common effect of mind and imagination for an anticipated fulfilment drives towards ever greater levels of Dopamine. This is very important because in all addiction it is not the stimulus that we are addicted to it is the Dopamine and Dopamine is an unforgiving master who demands higher and higher levels of stimulus to create the desired emotional effect. This is why addictive behaviours always increase. This is the difference between a regular habit and an addiction disorder. An addicted perpetrator of domestic violence will escalate their behaviours over time so that a loud voice becomes a shout, becomes a slap, becomes a punch, becomes a kick, becomes a beating.

So back to money
If the ownership of money, or the ability to spend money, is an active part of your stimulus and response mechanism then you will experience that money does, in fact, make you happy because it feeds that ‘wow!’ feeling of Dopamine. Once we find a route to Dopamine production we will continue to enact the stimulus and response mechanism so that we continue to feel good.

What is money?
All money is potential energy. A unit of currency is like a seed full of potential energy that when released can create something. An acorn can create an Oak tree. Money is simply a form of energy. When we release that energy we can turn it into something else. In physics the law is that energy is never lost all it does is change its form. The energy or power in money is the same. When we use it we change its form into goods, services, actions and so on. If the things that we use money for create a Dopamine response within us then we will develop an addiction to the need for money to maintain those levels of Dopamine. We were told as kids that “money is the route of all evil”. This is a misquote the original was “the love of money is the route to all evil”. In the terms we are talking about here, it is the addiction to money that creates our problems.

Mindful responses to Dopamine addictions
Whatever your addiction, disorder there are solutions and they lie in Mindfulness. Behaviours, habits and addiction are embedded in the mind, emotions and actions, often below awareness. Using Mindful techniques and developing your observer self that sits above the mind and emotions you are able to see your habit cycles and, most importantly make decisions to feed those habits that serve you well and to starve those habits that do not serve you well.

What you feed grows and what you starve dies

If you do have an addiction to money, or the things that it can get you, remember this…

Love people and use money

Not the other way around.

Be happy and enjoy 2017

Sean x