Archive for month: September, 2016

This week we had a listener who wanted to look at cheating from the other side. How do you cope when you are the cheater?

Well, there will be an amount of people, male and female, who are really serial philanderers, who can’t keep their zippers or their knickers up. Those people who, no matter what, will be on the look out for a chance encounter, a chance to play away, whenever, wherever.

Before we look at the normal sexual affair I would like us to start with the idea that it may not just be sex that is an affair. It is possible to have a platonic affair that can be as damaging, if not more damaging, than a sexual affair. I do get some smug clients who will tell me that it was not really an affair because they did not have sex. In Buddhism the thought is said to the same as the act because an action is preceded by a thought, em…? Food for thought.

Reasons for cheating
In previous podcasts we have looked at the other side of the coin, from the point of view of the person who has been cheated on. What is it like to be a cheater? How do we deal with the levels of guilt? How do we rebuild our relationship? Do we need to be honest and fess up or is it better to keep it quiet?

My resource for this week is – Marina Pearson worth a visit.

Does honesty help?
When people come to see me after an affair they are often at a loss as to know what to do next. The first question is, do I tell my partner? This is a mixed bag and the decision has to be around “what will it achieve if you tell?” For many couples it is the honesty that leads to the relationship breakdown not the affair. I leave the client to make this decision, but whichever way you go will create what is likely to happen next.

Why did you do it?
This next question is often related to the first and the answer to the first may be affected by the answer to the second. Often people will talk about feeling empty or dead, that life had become boring and pointless. Sometimes people felt neglected and uncared for or maybe the communication had broken down and the couple had stopped talking.

I guess if you do not fall into the philanderer category then there will be a reason. Understanding the reason will help you understand the situation and yourself a bit better. If you can understand ‘why’ then you have a chance of sorting stuff so that it doesn’t happen again.

If you have taken the route of honesty and confession there will be a lot of repair work to do between the pair of you that will probably require some psychotherapy and couples work. If you have decided not to confess then there will be a need for some individual psychotherapy and a good look inside yourself to understand why you did what you did and then to go through the process of self-forgiveness and personal rebuild.

If you are going to sort yourself out there are a few things that you need to address. The first is that your contract has been broken.

A New Contract
It could be that you entered into an open relationship but then you would not have been having an affair. So if it was an affair then whatever agreement you previously made is over, broken and done. Even if you do not tell your partner about your infidelity you will need to complete the internal process of letting go of what was and affirming within yourself a new contract for your behaviour in the future.

Self Forgiveness
Many people beat themselves into a pit of depression. This does not help. People will visit church or even attend therapy seeking absolution and forgiveness. The strange thing is that even if you are given forgiveness from an external source it will be of little help to you if you do not forgive yourself, charity begins at home, so does forgiveness. Beating your self up will only create depression. You might find step one useful at this point where you can write the letters that you never send. To get beyond this depressive state you need to evoke the law of allowing.

The Law of Allowing
In the steps, the law of allowing tends to be focussed on looking at other people and allowing them to be what they need to be without judgement. Being able to accept who you are and what have done involves both self-love and tolerance. If your affair has become public then you might need to seek forgiveness and acceptance from other people who also might have been hurt by what you have done.

Allowing yourself to be who and what you are, to accept yourself for what you are and what you have done and even those that you might have hurt is crucial to being able to move on.

What is the lesson?
If the universe works with intelligence, and I believe that it does, then the things that happen to us do so with purpose. Throughout life the question to ask yourself is “what am I supposed to learn from this?” When you find yourself feeling shame or guilt these feelings can be debilitating, they can stop you growing. When you change your mindset why? And what is there to learn? Then you begin to move forward. When you wallow in the pit of guilt and self-disgust you are getting in your own way this is the monkey business of your ego at work. Let it go, learn and move on.

What was the benefit?
Once you get beyond beating yourself up ask yourself, what are the benefits of you doing what you did both to you and to the person that you did it with? There will have been good things and experiences that you had, including the lessons that you learned. There would have been things that you enjoyed or you would not have invested your time in doing it. There may also be benefits for the relationship that you have cheated on. Perhaps you have learned to be a better person from here on in. Over all take the positive things you have learned from the experience and move on.

When we learn we have no need to repeat the same lessons. When we fail to learn we get the same lessons over and over again. It doesn’t have to be…

“Once a cheater, always a cheater”

…at least not if you work on yourself and get the support you need to shift what has not been working for you thus far. (yourTango.com)

Take care and be happy

Sean x

Thanks to Rachel, one of our long term listeners, this week we found ourselves talking about author Marie Kondo and her book ‘The Life Changing Magic of Tidying’. It seems that the tidiness movement is huge and Marie has a massive following. So why should we tidy? Why should we want to?

If you think about it we only need to tidy up because we have stuff that needs tidying, we have belongings and the more you have then the more you need to tidy. I guess when the first person discovered or invented the first tool, perhaps a flint knife to cut meat, they started the trend of creating and collecting stuff and we have been building on it ever since. Over time, with more tools, we created more stuff until we developed the industrial revolution and the technological revolution so that now we are sinking under piles of stuff. And stuff needs to be made tidy.

Tidiness and tidying has become big business.The quote is that ‘tidying increases good fortune… and dramatically transforms our lives’. Perhaps it was the stuff that really transformed our lives.

A tidy desk equals a tidy mind
It has always been true that the way we manifest ourselves in the physical world describes what is happening in our internal emotional and mental world. When we look at how we organise our office, bedroom, kitchen and so on we are also looking at the insider of our mind,

Beware of being judgemental.
However, it does not follow that your ideas of tidiness and organisation are ‘the’ right way. When we talk about tidiness and organisation it is not that one size fits all. Different people approach organisation in different ways. The teenager that has adopted the ‘floordrobe’ as an alternative to the more common wardrobe may know precisely where everything is. Yet, from the outside the parents are driven crazy. It might just be that you see my level of organisation as chaos but it might work pretty well for me.

What is tidiness
Tidiness is when the world that I live in works well for me. If we were to make our own rules of tidiness and tidying, they might look something like this:

1: Does the current state of my environment disturb me?
2: Am I able to feel relaxed in my environment?
3: Can I find what I need when I need to?
4: Does my storage method keep my belongings safe?
(The should probably be something here about cleanliness as well)
And secondary
5: Does my environment disturb other people?

We each have to decide the way that we choose to live.

The Harmony of Wa
Seeing as we are talking about the Japanese art of tidying I think that we need to consider ‘Wa’. Wa was the first character in the Japanese alphabet and seen as the first principle.

(Wikipedia)
Wa (和?) is a Japanese cultural concept usually translated into English as “harmony”. It implies a peaceful unity and conformity within a social group, in which members prefer the continuation of a harmonious community over their personal interests.[1][2] The kanji character wa (和?) is also a name for “Japan; Japanese”,

When the Japanese lived in paper houses, so that the goings on of those next door became all to obvious or they did not keep the noise down, it was an offence to disturbed the Wa of the people next door. As a community people were expected to live in harmony with one another.

The concept and principal of living in harmony effects our community and society at large and also businesses, the family, couples, relationships and individuals. Also, on a global scale, the whole of humanity. The idea that Planet Earth has a spirit, often described as ‘Gaia’, suggests that when we live with Wa we are living in harmony with nature and not wrecking the planet. Wa is a pretty big concept and one that I have lived with for many years. I am aware of my own Wa, my own inner harmony and, should my Wa become disturbed, so that I do not feel right, then I do something about it. Sometimes that does include tidying, sorting out, clearing out and taking stuff to the tip or de-cluttering. Though when I do go to the tip I am appalled by the amount of stuff that we create and then waste by burying it in the ground. I am not sure that this dumping of stuff is good for the Wa of Gaia.

Therapy, growth and self development
When we live in balanced Wa life is not stressful. When we can live at peace with balanced Wa we can be the best and most productive version or ourself that we can possibly be. To live without Wa is to live with disturbance, disorder, disease, and disharmony. What the art of tidying is really showing us is one way that we might use to regain our Wa, for ourselves. The magic thing about the concept of Wa is that when we are each individually in harmony then as a society and as humanity we are in harmony.

Mindfulness, Wa and the tidy mind
For me, being mindful, is to live in awareness, and that means to have a tidy mind that allows for balanced Wa. Avoiding attachment and negative environments, to avoid cravings and longings, is creating the tidiness of mind that is mindfulness.

Tidying as a meditation
The Japanese stone garden is a meditation in Wa, a meditation of tidiness and order. This is where the art of tidiness and meditation meet in mindfulness and Wa. If we can tidy and create order with the same consciousness as the person in the picture, we can transcend the experience of time and space and enter the wonderful void of meditation.

There are two other things that we should also be aware of, the first of other people, the second is obsession.

Other people
The world, your house, company, community and so on is populated with other people whose ideas and Wa will be different to yours. Now, I accept that some people are mindless slobs who wouldn’t know Wa if it bit their bottoms but in general half decent people have their own version of Wa that works for them. The classic is the child’s bedroom that drives the parents round the bend. There often comes a point when we need to close the door and allow the child to develop their own concept of Wa. If you cast your mind back to your own teenage bedroom the likelihood is that your current state of Wa is different to what it was then.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
It is probably unfair to suggest that without stuff we wouldn’t have OCD because most obsessive symptoms are most commonly involved with repetitive thoughts and rumination not about gathering or ordering things. However, some people are obsessed with the world out their, and their need for cleanliness and order. Our collective production and collection of stuff over many generations opens up a whole new world for us to worry about. In the cave with a few tools, a couple of pots and a few animal skins it did not take long to get things in order. Once we have lots of stuff we need security and locks, banks, safes, and deposit boxes, insurance, vigilance, worry, anxiety and stress. Often from stuff also comes crime, theft, robbery, jealousy, envy, and so on.

Time to de-clutter
Now, once I have finished this I will be back up in the attic where I have created a studio. I am sorting out the bags and boxes that are under the eaves and sending stuff to the charity shops and the tip. And you know what? I find it really very satisfying. When I look back at the space I have created I do, genuinely, feel a sense of peace and harmony from the clarity of the space.

In my case I think Wa is ‘tidy attic equals tidy mind’.

Be happy, be tidy but don’t become obsessed, allow others their Wa as well.

Take care

Sean x

The podcast this week follows on from last week when we heard Alex describe herself as “only a hairdresser”. My point to her was that she was not giving herself the value that she deserved.

We had an email from Luke, as follows…

“…I am plagued with self doubt, low self esteem and pessimistic points of view, I want to be positive. I have a goal but just can’t get my head around the idea that I am even remotely good enough even to apply never mind get the placement. What can I do?”

Having a positive sense of ourself starts with the labels that we give ourselves. When people ask us ‘and who are you?’ what do we say? Well in most cases what we do is list the roles that we play and the things that we do. Because we live in a world that is driven by what we do we have to have roles to play that we can feel good about, those that serve us well. Or we will have nothing positive to answer the question with. It is then that we can feel the “I am only…”

Self-doubt can come at the point of change
When we develop self-doubt it is often based around our loss of the sense of meaningful roles. Sometimes we look at what we are doing and feel that our lives are, or have become pointless. This is not an uncommon feeling. Most people will feel this at some point. Often related to change we may feel it when a certain aspect of our live comes to a close. We leave school, the university course comes to an end, we leave a job, retire, are made redundant, we get divorced or separated, or someone close dies. The list is endless.

The solution here often comes from just simply acting, do something, join a club or a course. Get yourself going again. It is by doing that we create a new life, we create new meaning.

Self-doubt can come from needing to change direction
Sometimes we find that the decisions that we have made and the path that we have been following is not actually what we actually want or what we expected it to be. This involves being able to face up to the wrongness of our decision and do something to get it right. This can be accompanied with a sense of failure that might make us feel stupid. Such feelings sap our self-belief in getting something right in the future. If these thoughts lead to feelings of ‘what is the point?’ It can lead to depression and then it can be progressively harder to get enough energy to get going again.

The solution here comes from therapy, mentorship, sometime medication, or coaching.

Monkey in your head.
The situation that Luke describes suggests that he has let his monkey out of the cage. His monkey has run off and is throwing negative bananas at him. This is the process of rumination. Once we let monkey business take over we end up with…

What you feed grows and what you starve dies

If we continually recite negative mantras we just feed the negative concepts within us and they grow ever bigger. Choosing to ignore the negative monkey and to recite and repeat positive internal messages will, eventually, cause the negative monkey to grow ever quieter until we can pop it back in it’s cage.

The solution here is the use of positive affirmation. Try reading some Louise Hay and work with her positive affirmations. Learn to become internally inspirational. Read, listen, watch The Secret. Try Joe Vitale’s the Attractor Factor. However you do it, get some positive input.

Is there an external negative feed?
If you’re a regular listener or have read any of my books, you may be aware of the negative things my father said to me, to the point when I believed what he said. Are there people around you that are feeding you negative messages? Who are you hanging around with?

The solution here just might be deciding it is now time to change your relationships, friendship group, job and so on. Associate with people whose attitudes will enhance you and serve you well.

For my resource of the week I chose:
Mentoring – Buddying – Making a plan – Creating Mind Maps – Practice Mindful meditation.

What I am saying is “do something to make it different” and if you can’t find the energy within yourself see a therapist, get a mentor or a buddy.

We all deserve to be happy. Happiness begins with self love. Self love comes from doing things and being in situations and relationships that serve you well. It just might be time for a self audit?

Take care, be happy and love yourself

Sean X

In this weeks episode we had the pleasure of interviewing Alex. She and I worked together a couple of years ago as she made the magic changes of getting rid of the habits she had developed that did nor serve her well and replacing with new one’s that did. Like all of us, her habits were not really current, they were the ones that she been developing since the moment of her birth. We are all the habits that we create from what we learn. In the first instance these are from observation of what is going on around our emerging self and then after that they come from our experiences and more importantly from our responses to those experiences. In Psycho-speak we describe this collection of what we know and believe as our paradigm.

‘A paradigm is a standard, perspective, or set of ideas, a way of looking at something. It is a new way of looking or thinking about something. This word comes up a lot in the academic, scientific, and business worlds.

A new paradigm in business could mean a new way of reaching customers and making money. In education, relying on lectures is a paradigm: if you suddenly shifted to all group work, that would be a new paradigm. When you change paradigms, you’re changing how you think about something.’

Perhaps we should revisit the last sentence and perhaps embellish it a little.

When you change your paradigm, you are changing the way that you think, feel and behave about you and your wellbeing.

What Alex managed to do was take the journey that changed her paradigm. In so doing she changed her life, her relationships and her level of happiness and self-fulfillment.

You embark on ‘the journey’ when you make the decision to change your paradigm. When you do this you move from the unconscious programming of your childhood, where your unconscious paradigm controlled who you are and what you do, to a new you. This new you is in control of, and actively creating, and living what you desire. This is a new you who is living and getting what you really want from your life.

Different disciplines will describe this journey in many different ways, for me this is ‘waking up’ and is what our work at ‘Live In The Present’ is all about. The course and the book are designed to take you through the steps required to re-wire your paradigm. This is not prescriptive, we do not have an ideal paradigm that you should create or a set of dogmatic beliefs about how you should be. Your journey is you deciding what is the best version of you, that you would like to be, and then enabling you to take the steps to get there.

Strangely, when embarking on the journey, most people have no real idea of their destination. Many of those that do, at the outset, will often change their course mid-journey as their awareness of their real needs and desires emerges. It is a bit like me asking someone “what is it that you really want” and they say “I just want to be happy”. Well that sounds good but it doesn’t work. To complete your journey to your happiness you need to know what happiness looks like, what it feels like, what shape, colour, size it is and so on. To find happiness you need to have some idea of your journeys end. This is the work of the steps and this is what Alex under took with me on a one to one basis.

There is one thing that did come up when she came on the podcast that I needed to reflect to her, it was that she described herself as “I’m only a hairdresser”. Apart from the fact that hairdressers are probably equal to a therapist in the happiness and wellbeing that they provide for their clients they also are often real therapists as well, because people, in the secure safety of a trusted touch relationship will often unburden themselves to the practitioner. This is true in massage, reflexology, reiki, acupuncture, chiropody, podiatry, the list is endless. There are many professions that are ‘lay-therapists’ it is the nature of being a human in a human society. It fulfills my philosophy,

“If we all look after each other then, we will all be okay”

But, back to the ‘I am only a hairdresser’. One thing that you begin to realise when you are on the journey is that this is not a quick fix. Changing your paradigm, that you might have been reinforcing for many, many years, does not change quickly and can be tough. As Harv Ekker, author of the Millionaire Mind put it “change is difficult, it doesn’t happen fast, it happens at the speed of crap and crap moves real slow”. What we find is that we need to revisit our evolving paradigm not just once and not just through the period of the ten steps but every day in every way for the rest of life.

This is life long learning. It is the journey of the evolving self and I would say the only meaningful purpose of life. Human beings are learning machines. We are a centre of consciousness that is connected to the experiential world through a set of senses that teach us about our environment and our experience. When we wake up we realise that we are in control of our experiences.

I suggest that you have a listen to the podcast and hear Alex’s fascinating journey.

Take care, be happy and embrace life lone learning.

Sean x