TSHP155: Do We Need to Be More Selfish?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

To be selfish or generous? That is the question! It’s not quite as straightforward as you might think (for a change)…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

sean-dadShow Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

  • Sean says it’s time for you to write your biography… crack out that journal!
  • Ed recalled one of the great films of the 20th century – Citizen Kane. Watch and learn!

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Are you selfish enough?

You are being selfish, is that so bad?

Is it wrong to be paying attention to your own wants, needs, and well-being? If you believe that selfish behaviour is immoral or bad then you may be just missing the point. The question is what is life all about?

When you were born your life was, and is, about you and your fulfilment and happiness. We often believe that a good person is someone who thinks of others first. It is as though it is more blessed to give than to receive. Is that really true

I like the idea that charity begins at home. In the idea that I can only allow you to love me, if I love me first. If I don’t love me then how can I allow you to love me As well? If I don’t love me and you say “I love you”, then I will think that your are mad. Why on earth would you want to love or like me if I see myself as not good enough?

Thinking of yourself first seems to contradict the idea of positivity, something that we Brits can see as arrogance. Yet what becomes clear is that self-prioritising and attending to your own needs and wellbeing allows you to be emotionally fit enough to attend to the needs of others.

There is an odd paradox.

We all do what we do because we (selfishly) feel that it is the right thing to do

When Mother Theresa looks after the poor of Calcutta it is not that she is a saint, it is that she is doing what she feels is the right thing for her to do. What we see as saintliness may just as easily be termed selfishness.

For example I choose to work with others as a therapist. Many people will tell me and others that I am a wonderful person waxing lyrical about what a good chap I am. The reality is that I choose to use my life energy to support other -people because it makes me feel good or I would not do it. It is based on my basic belief that…

If we all look after each other then we will all be ok

Selfishness is actually normal and as it should be. The positive people do what they do because it makes sense to them to do it. In that sense we are all ultimately selfish.

I believe that we are all selfish. We all do what we do because it makes sense to us. The doctor, banker, nurse, businessman, care mechanic, shop worker…..

Mindful selfishness
When our own needs and desires are in tune with other people so that the things that we are doing are of benefit to others then we are a positive influence. Those that are truly mindful are able to move beyond their own ego need to include the needs of others.

If I am selfish and my self includes my family, community, culture, my religion, my nation, or even the whole of humanity then I identify you as myself. If I identify you as myself why would I want to hurt you, be unhappy, go to war with you, allow you to starve or be homeless.

At the point where human beings are totally selfish and see all of creation as them self then we have got the point of being alive and being a part of creation. We are all one and we all care for each other as we care for ourself.

Be selfish and look after yourself

Sean X

TSHP154: Why You Should Forget About Being Perfect

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What’s Coming This Episode?

We’re all working harder and harder, getting busier and busier. But what are we working towards? That elusive thing called ‘happiness’? Or, worse still, perfection? You might just be barking up the wrong tree…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Stop Trying to Be Perfect

Do you need to be perfect or are you perfect as you are right now?

I am walking down the road and looking at the people coming towards me. I am surprised by the amount of women who are obviously ‘Botoxed’ and have fillers creating that ‘trout pout’ look. To me they look ugly and disfigured but I realise that to them they are on a path to creating what they see as the perfect version of themselves. As I think about it this striving for the perfect body assumes that the body is imperfect to begin with, that worries me.

The problem is that we don’t celebrate imperfection – perfection is in the eye of the beholder.

When we drive towards perfection it affects all that we think, feel and do. Being a perfectionist eventually becomes a fools errand because we can never achieve it, the state of perfection. It is good to be particular about things and to get things as right as we can but, as soon as we step into perfectionism we are heading for failure and with that comes depression, frustration, anxiety, anger And even physical or mental illness.

If the perfectionist drive is towards yourself it may involve constant self criticism for not being good enough in the way you look, the way that you perform in your job, relationship, friendships and so on.

We have even started testing our children at very early ages with Sats tests that, for many will confirm just how imperfect they are.

The perfectionist mind set includes:

Black-and-white thinking
So that anything less than 100% perfection is a failure. 99% is never good enough
For many, especially males, the need to seek help from others will just show my imperfection and weakness.

The anxiety of Catastrophising
Like all forms of anxiety perfectionism can lead us to project forward to futures that my never happen and to live them in the present as though they have.
The fear of making a mistake in front of my peers the fear of upsetting others can lead to inaction to maintain our safety.

Negative scripting
Deciding before an event that you will fail. Knowing that your presentation, assignment will be terrible, believing that you actions will be criticised. This often leads to high levels of performance anxiety, generalised fear and even social phobia and isolation, avoiding making friends and going out or meeting with others.

Ought, should and must
These words, perhaps with the addition of “can’t” are often related to a preconception of perfection that either I am not up to, or even that I don’t want to do, but I feel that to do the right thing or to be the ‘perfect’ person, I have to do it.

Body perfectionism
As I mentioned at to outset the need to have nose jobs, face lifts, boob jobs, trout pout, tattooed eyebrows, or even tattoos come to that, all these things start from the point of view that my body is imperfect and that I need to do things to make it perfect. Often the need to change the body becomes addictive as it is never quite the perfection that we are seeking and more and more adjustments are required.

The response to perfectionism
When we begin to define ourselves as an imperfect person the drive towards perfectionism takes us one of two ways. Either we work ourselves into the ground through fear and anxiety in a constant bid to get it right in the eyes of others and to be seen as a good, intelligent, perfect person or we fall into the opposite camp of procrastination. Many perfectionists develop chronic procrastination as a way of giving up and stepping out of the stress and anxiety.

OvercomIng perfectionism

Rational realistic thinking
Adults with perfectionism are often very self-critical of themselves and need to replace their self-critical perfectionistic thoughts, feeling and statements with those that are more rational, realistic and helpful. This is often called ‘reframing’.

Positive affirmations – Positive self-talk
A good practise of reframing your thoughts and feelings is to repeat helpful positive self-statements regularly to yourself. Even if you do not believe what you are saying right away, if you do enough repetitions you will eventually turn your positive rational, realistic thoughts into new habits, that will help overcome all of your negative self-talk.

Some examples of positive affirmations:
“No one needs to be perfect”
“My best is good enough”
“Getting things wrong does not mean that I’m stupid or a failure”
“I am like everyone else”
“Everyone is allowed to make mistakes”
“I do not need to be pleasant all the time”
“Everyone has a bad day sometimes”
“It’s okay that some people don’t like me”
“No one is liked by everyone”
“I love and approve of myself”

(© AnxietyBC and Louise Hay)

The most important attitudes to have to both yourself and to others is compromise and tolerance

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder
We are all perfect as we are. Whatever age, size, shape, colour, ethnicity, religion, culture and so on, we are all perfect.

Take care and be happy with you as you are right now

Sean x

TSHP153: The Value of a Good Routine

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Routines. Good, bad, whatever – we all have them. Some may say that to be in a routine is to be bored with life, but isn’t endless excitement a routine too? An interesting topic, let’s dive in…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

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The value of routine

Habits create routine and routines create habits
It is said that we are all creatures of habits. I guess that if you subtract your bad habits from your good habits you will have some idea if, over all, your habits are serving you well or ill. Habits, as we have said many times in our podcasts are built through consistent and persistent practice. This is termed routine. This is because we become whatever it is that we pay attention to. Most habits develop subliminally below our awareness simply from what we are doing most of the time. Our habit forming process is neutral. Your mind-brain system does not care if the habits you create are positive or negative. To your system they are just habits.

We can choose our habits
When we consciously decide what it is that we want to do with our every day lives we mindfully create positive habits that make us happy or that give us the best out of the situation that we are in. We have the capacity to build many good habits throughout life by actively, consciously and mindfully participating in what we are thinking, feeling and doing. If we simply work on a default setting we simply create habits without realising if it’s good or bad. Then we say, “that’s just the way that I am” and I say “no, that is the way that you have chosen to be through the habits that you have developed”.

Most routines and therefore habits, develop below our awareness
We live in a world of routines all the time. We live in minutes, hours, days, week months and years. The seasons roll around each year over and over again. We live in monthly cycles and yearly cycles that we do not question, they simply are what they are. The only time they are questioned is when they are subject to change. Changing habits is rarely easy.

The point is that once it is a habit, you no longer need to think about it, it is just what you do. This is automation. Once a routine is automated, positive habits increase our efficiency and happiness by enabling you to do things without thinking about it. This is equally true of negative routines which is why we need to be mindfully vigilant of what routines we are engaging in.

The good thing is that if you automatically get things done, you do not have to remind yourself, you just do it. When a habit is a habit nothing slips, everything gets done and you save all the time you would have wasted deciding what to do with your day or life.

It may take time to develop a habit but once it is a part of routine you no longer need will power or motivation you simply just do it. That is why relying on routine to accomplish a task is a lot easier than relying on willpower and motivation. Yes, when establishing a routine, you do have to will and motivate yourself to stick to the routine. But once the routine is set, it is on autopilot and the need for constant willpower and motivation is no longer necessary.

When I am teaching mindful meditation I tell the students that the practice should become like brushing your teeth. If you went out of the house in the morning without brushing your teeth you would feel odd or that there was something wrong. If you have the habit of meditation and you miss your practice, in the same way, you would feel that something was wrong.

People that develop routines get things done
There is something about creating routines and positive habits that allows us to become more efficient and effective as people. We get things done and complete tasks.

Spontaneity
To be a well organised person that lives with routines does not takeaway spontaneity. To have routines does not mean to become fixed or immoveable. The world of routines can be flexible. The powerful thing about a habit is that it is never lost. The routine practice of any activity for 90 days will encode the habit into long term memory. You never forget how to ride a bike or to swim. Once a habit is there, it is there forever and can be called upon at will. The formation of habits are the routines that we live by,

Choose you habits, ensure that they serve you well and be happy

Take care

Sean X

TSHP152: Geopathic Stress, Healing and Alternative Therapies

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What’s Coming This Episode?

It’s special guest time! Jeff Jeffries of Intelligent Energies popped by to discuss Geopathic Stress – a field in which he’s a leading voice. Never heard of it? Well neither had Ed, but it’s a fascinating field and lead us to talk about a whole range of alternative therapies. Let’s go down the rabbit hole…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Intelligent Energies

This week Ed and I invited Jeff Jefferies to join us on the podcast. Jeff is an expert in the use of intelligent energies. He uses his ability to manipulate the energy of the universe to effect healing, even over great distances, and to ease geopathic stress.

Geopathic stress is like a block or a knot in various places on the planet that negatively effects people and animals that come into its energy field. When I listen to Jeff talking about his work he sounds like an acupuncturist placing a pin into the blocks and knots in someone’s body to release their emotional tensions.

We all live within a sea of energy. Quantum physics tells us that inside all matter are atoms and inside all atoms are particles. Each particle is comprised of three sub particles known as quarks. Below quarks are what is described as ‘source energy’. It is from this source energy that quarks are formed.

Quarks gather together in groups of three and form particles. Particles gather together into atoms and atoms form molecules and molecules into elements. Elements form matter that forms planets, which gather together into planetary systems and galaxies that form the entire cosmos.

At a biological level the elements come together to form organelles, which are sub cellular components, that in turn form cells. Cells form organs and organ systems that form bodies, bodies form families, societies, cultures, nations and indeed all of humanity. In fact, all that is comes from source energy. Source energy is therefore the basis of all that we can experience.

When quantum physicist talk about source energy it sounds like descriptions of God, “it always has been, always will be, cannot be created or destroyed, it just changes its form…” and so on.

Source energy may also be described as Prana, Nard, Chi, Ki, and in some cases as bio-energy, cosmic energy, or universal intelligence that may also be described as consciousness.

When trying to make sense of this energetic world, that exists beyond, within and below matter, the word ‘intelligence’ seems to be crucial and raises the question ‘does source energy manifest itself with intelligence, is source energy consciousness?’ If the answer is ‘Yes’ then all of creation is purposeful and meaningful. If the answer is ‘No’ then all of creation is a random event that has no purpose or meaning. I am in the ‘yes’ camp. I see life as intelligent and I see the things that happen to me and to you as meaningful and purposeful. Of course, this could just be my way of making sense of life and could just be my fantasy.

Many groups of people have named source energy as their own, and only God. Each group or religion have created their own book of words to explain to their followers what source energy is and how we should interact with it. Having travelled the world and having talked with many learned and enlightened beings my conclusions is that we all experience source energy in our own way. Perhaps there are as many descriptions of source energy as there are people that experience it. In that sense all of creation is a mystery that human mind seeks to understand and all create stories to try and make sense of it.

However it is that we acknowledge or experience source energy we have to agree that it exists. If it did not exist then life itself would not exist. I think source energy is like electricity in that I can’t see it and I can’t smell it but if I touch it, it gives me a good belt. I cannot see electricity but I can see what it does to lights bulbs, powers TVs and other devices, motors, tools, and even cars. I see source energy in the same way. I can’t see it and I can’t smell it but I can see how it manifests in all of creation around me. I can feel it and experience it in my mindful meditation, in my intuition and creativity and also when I do massage and healing.

My own conclusion is that energy is neutral it is neither good nor bad positive nor negative. Electricity can power a healing scanner or a killing electric chair. Source energy is used to create both saints and sinners. After all goodness and badness are constructs that we experience from our own point of view. It is the issue of one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. It is all relative. However, in the extremes of energy we have those forces that seek to bind things together that I would describe as love, be it gravity of societal cohesion and those forces that seek to push things apart and are destructive that I would describe as hate.

The question that is raised by practitioners such as Jeff is ‘can we manipulate or direct source energy? And In terms of the above paragraph can we turn bad into good or hate into love. Jeff’s work and the effects of Jeff’s work would suggest that we can.

I have direct experience of source energy both as a body worker from when I was trained in Ayurvedic massage and as hands on healer. I have also seen many healers doing amazing work with people and animals. I have seen dowsers finding water sources in arid land and experienced acupuncture and acupressure and have studied and practised pranayama, (Prana = energy, Yama = control).

The more we understand source energy in the physical world then the more we understand the truth of matter and quantum physics. The more we understand source energy in the psychotherapeutic world the more we understand about consciousness, intelligent energies and the meaning of life.

While such understanding has been known to a few, through what is termed as ‘enlightenment’, we are at the brink of a new development of human consciousness. The Aquarian Age is about individuals becoming self aware and taking personal responsibility for the world around them and the effect that they have upon it. The previous era, the Piscean Age, was dominated by gurus, avatars, doctrine and religions.

This will be an interesting 2000 years. It is said that at the beginning of an era there is chaos before the new order begins. In the chaos there are often wars and a break down of the current order of things. As I look around me and suspect that humanity is winding up for another World War I assume that the source energy is intelligent and that it’s manifestation, whatever it is, will be meaningful. However, I do know that Jeff and the other healers of the world will be there turning negative energies into good ones and my hope is that more of us will wake up enough to assist in the task of creating heaven on earth, that we could have right now if we chose to do so.

Take care and be happy

Sean X