TSHP151: Is the Internet Making us Dumber?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Is the internet killing our brain cells? Quite possibly. It might just be the most incredible ‘thing’ we’ve ever invented but it’s got to be changing us in ways we don’t yet fully understand…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

  • Sean recommends talking to a real human being with no distractions… and look them in the eye when you do!
  • Ed loves the web and stays sharp by using Quora, NextDraft and Timehop

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Is the internet making us dumber?

For me the short answer is no. However, what the internet is doing is changing our emotional and cognitive responses to ourselves and those people around us.

Aspergers and Autism
People who are on the spectrum of Aspergers and Autism differ from the rest of the population in that their emotional expression and understanding is withheld and internalised. Those on the spectrum do have feelings and emotions but the ability to understand them and share them is difficult for them. Therefore those on the spectrum may have emotional outbursts that may be loud, highly charged and even violent but they have problems with simple sensual touch and caring emotions or empathy.

Internet Based Aspergers Syndrome
One important aspect of communication is in visual expressions, responses and observations. It is estimated (Psychology Today) that body language, visual non-verbal communication, amounts to around 55% of all communication. Autistic behaviour lacks this visual context. Eye contact is avoided so all body language is lost. So immediately autistic people are missing 55% of the communicated message.

Those involved in Internet communication, using text and email, are no longer seeing or understanding the body language of those people they attempting to communicate with and will therefore act in an autistic manner.

Calacanis, the internet blogger, says that he’s come to recognise a new disorder, the underlying cause of, what he calls, Harris’ Law, Internet Asperger’s Syndrome, which affects people when their communication moves to digital, causing them to stop seeing the humanity in other people, and to behave in other ways that parallel the symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome.

However at least the Autistic person can hear what people are saying. It is estimated (Psychology Today) that 38% of communication is in the tone of voice. This is totally lost in digital communication. This means that those with Internet Based Aspergers Syndrome are even more emotionally disabled than those with regular Asperger’s syndrome.

What is left in the communication is the written word of a text, email, or posting on Twitter or FaceBook, this is only 7% of the meaning in the communication leaving a huge potential for miscommunication.

When people get locked into the Internet on social media or gaming, over time, it would appear that they lose their empathy and emotional/social contact with others. You may have thousands of friends on Facebook and not really know any of them. This suggests an ever increasing social disconnect. Looking at many internet games that can serve to normalise violent behaviours and attitudes it makes me wonder whether we are training ourselves to be harder, less caring and more isolated.

Harris’s Law
At some point, all humanity in an online community is lost, and the goal becomes to inflict as much psychological suffering as possible on another person.

The internet with all the people communicating online can easily wind up mimicking these Asperger’s behaviours because they are imposing the same disadvantages on themselves. In both cases, when the ability to see nonverbal responses and facial expressions goes away, on the internet you then need to add the tone of voice. What really goes is empathy. So in the end you are no longer communicating with a person, they have just become words on a screen. Or only 7% of who they are.

The positive side of the Internet is our ability to share and access information. The key here is in the word information. Information is not emotion.

So, for me the Internet does not make us dumber what is does is make us less empathic. It is good but not at the cost of real face to face relationships. At least with Skype and FaceTime we can see the other person and hear the tone of their voice, here we have the chance to get near to the 100% of communication. When we rely on word alone we have a mere 7% – not good!

Take care, be happy and communicate

Sean X

TSHP150: Why Do We Cheat?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

There are many reasons why men and women cheat on their partners. Revenge, a change of scenery, boredom and more… but is it always a negative thing to do? Can we learn to be faithful? Let’s dive in…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

Stay in Touch

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Leave us an Honest Review on iTunes

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Affairs – Why Do We Cheat?

This week Ed and I got a message asking if we could have a look at why do we cheat in relationships.

“Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? Is it such a bad thing? Is cheating ever good for a relationship? How should we react when our partner cheats? Should we take it personally and let it affect us and our relationship, if it was simply just a case of ‘living in the present ( ! )’ and being in the moment, living life and following what the chemicals in your brain are telling you to do? Can you learn to be faithful? If so how do you learn to want to be faithful?

Let’s have a look one bit at a time.

Why do we cheat in relationships?
Well statistics suggest that 61% of people have affairs. This would suggest for the majority of people unfaithfulness is normal behaviour.

Why do men cheat?
Much research suggests that unfaithfulness is often genetic up to 63% of men are expected to be genetically predisposed to spread their genes. It is assumed that the male of the species is programmed to have sex with as many women as possible. Chemically it is suggested that the majority of men who have affairs are driven by testosterone and the high of sexual orgasm.

Why do women cheat?
For women research suggests that around 40% of women are genetically predisposed to unfaithfulness but whereas men are driven by testosterone, women are more likely driven by oxytocin. This is the bonding chemical that is released by the brain in response to cuddling, fondling, kissing and sexual contact.

Is it such a bad thing?
This is in the eye of the beholder. For some open relationships are good and add spice and excitement to their relationship. There are no rules here. If you are naturally faithful and your partner is not, all you will do is create pain and heart ache for them and perhaps children and in-laws.

Can cheating be good for a relationship?
I have worked with couples where one person became so involved with work or other issues that the gradually paid less and less attention to their partner who in the desperate need to get some attention turned to another person to give them a sense of self worth.

If the result of an affair is that your partner now pays you the attention that you deserve you could decide that it was a good thing. If on the other hand it leaves you ruminating on what ‘they’ we’re doing it will become totally destructive.

How should you react when your partner cheats?
Well, either you decide that it is now all over and separation is the only option or you feel that it is worth fighting for. If it is worth it then you probably need therapy – That’s where I come from.

Should we take it personally?
Yes… Either you chose the wrong person or something happened to make them the wrong person and what they have done does affect you and how you feel about who you are?

How do you learn to be faithful?
This is the rule of…

…What you feed grows and what you starve dies

If you want your relationship to grow then feed it. If you starve it then it will die. It is a choice.

How do you learn to be faithful?
Pain or awareness. If you are not aware enough to nurture your relationship then you will experience the pain of it failing.

Perhaps I should finish this with the idea that if you want your relationship to work you need to agree your relationship contract before you begin it. Fidelity is a contractual agreement. If you are unfaithful the contract is over. Unless you have an open agreement cheating is definitely out.

Take care

Sean X

TSHP149: How to overcome loneliness

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Loneliness is an increasingly serious issue. It always has been really but it’s only recently that it’s started to appear in the news and as a serious issues for governments to take seriously. So with so many people in the world, why are more of us lonely and isolated?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

Stay in Touch

We’re all over the web, so feel free to stay in touch:

Leave us an Honest Review on iTunes

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Alone or Lonely?

Many people when they wake have such a fear of, or antipathy to silence that they need to fill the space around them with sound. On goes the radio, TV or MP3 player, the day has begun. I am not suggesting that we should not listen to things though it might benefit us to look at what we are doing and why?

I have met many people who hate the feeling of aloneness. When I dig into this it is often based in fear. In the last blog I was talking about the two different forms of anxiety either based in worry or fear. Often, when we need to fill the space around us with sound we are avoiding the anxiety of fear.

Ok, so nothing wrong with enjoying listening to things. For me it is audio books, I love a good story read by a good storyteller. I am thinking more about where there is something turned on making a noise in every room because there is a perceived feeling of unwanted emptiness if the room is in silence. The fear is often what will we hear or be aware of if we listen to the silence, if there is no noise or distraction. In psycho-speak we might consider this way of repressing unwanted memories or thoughts. If the mind is busy and filled with stuff we avoid feeling or we can’t think.

How do you feel about being in silence?
On meditation intensives you live in absolute or ‘noble silence’ for the entire course that may be seven, ten or thirty plus days. In the silence, when all outside stimulus has ceased all that can be heard are the inner machinations of your emotions and mind, your thoughts, memories and feelings. Sometimes this is difficult as the memories may be hard to deal with and may involve unresolved hurt, loss or bereavement that needs to be faced processed and let go of. I should also point out that there are also many happy and positive memories that come back to say hello as well, it is not all tough stuff.

I have a friend who, like me, experienced abuse as a child yet our experience of being alone is exactly opposite. For her there is a fear of being alone in a silent space. She always needs the door to be open and for other people to be around or for there to be sound. For me it is the reverse, when there is silence and the door is shut I am safe and secure. For me aloneness and silence are something good that I enjoy. When I go out running my favourite time is 5am in the dark dressed in black with no headphones. The world is silent, no one is around and in black I am pretty invisible. Aloneness feels great.

How do you feel about being alone?
Do you like your own company or if you are alone do you seek out the company of others? Being alone and being lonely are different. You can be lonely within a group of people.

Human beings are social animals. We are designed to live in mutually supportive groups as families, tribes, villages, societies and so on. Yet when we become too busy, or fill our time with too much stuff it is easy to forget who we are and to stop attending to our own needs.

Life is the thing that passes us by while we are busy filling our time with stuff

I see people who, at a certain point in life experience fundamental changes. The kids have grown up and left to live their own lives, sometimes they have moved to other places or countries. As the last child leaves home the house becomes quieter. Then along comes retirement and unless we have a strong social network the world becomes quieter again. When our partner passes then we have a sense of silent aloneness, often for the first time in our lives. Many people have spoken to me about their feelings of aloneness as this time in their lives.

Of course, when we lived in extended families this didn’t happen as there were many generations living together from great grandparents to great grandchildren and aloneness didn’t really happen. These days we confine older people to a retirement or residential home where they are thrown in with a bunch of strangers they may or may not be to their liking, this can be a very lonely place to be.

There is nowhere as lonely as a crowd
For most people aloneness has to be faced at some point in life. Those people who have practiced mindfulness and have become accustomed to the silence of their inner mind find it the least threatening or even enjoyable. Perhaps now might be a good time to get practising some mindfulness.

I am reminded of a primary school teacher who had an unruly class and needed to create someway of quieting the children when they were getting out of hand. We developed the exercise of being a tree. When she blew a whistle they all had to stop and stand with their eyes closed, legs planted in the ground and relax from the top of their heads to the tips of their toes and then spend a minute being a tree before she blew the whistle gain. One of the children asked a strange question, “What is that sound that I can here when we become trees?” It took a bit of working out but in the end we got there. The sound that she was hearing was silence it was just that she had never heard it before. She lived in one of those houses where she awoke to noise and went to sleep to noise. Silence was a new sound to her, a new experience.

If you have never experienced being alone or being in silence try it. You might enjoy it.

Take care

Sean X

TSHP148: How to Combat Social Anxiety

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What’s Coming This Episode?

Social anxiety can hinder us in a number of ways. One listener had emailed us saying that things he said, even from many years ago, really come back to haunt him. So how can we combat it…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

Resource of the Week

  • Sean reminded everyone to meditate (use our free mp3s if you need help) and to ‘write the script for your day before it starts’
  • Ed thinks you should watch Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm. He takes saying the wrong thing to a whole new level…

Stay in Touch

We’re all over the web, so feel free to stay in touch:

Leave us an Honest Review on iTunes

We’d be amazingly grateful if you could leave us a review on iTunes. It will really help us to build our audience. So, if your like what you hear (and would like to hear more great free content) then visit our iTunes page and leave us an honest review (all feedback gratefully received!).

How to Combat Social Anxiety

The neuropsychology of anxiety – Worry or Fear?

There is, I feel, some confusion about anxiety and its sibling panic attacks. I’d like to try in this blog and explain a bit about how the brain works, emotion and the appropriateness of different forms of therapy.

At a scientific level our understanding of neuropsychology and therefore our understanding of the neuropsychology of anxiety has come on leaps and bounds. However at a therapeutic level sometimes we are lagging behind leading to inappropriate therapies and failed clients.

I experience this confusion about ‘what is anxiety’, is also shared by therapist who fail to see the difference between our emotional self and our cognitive self. Leading to inappropriate therapy. Cognitive therapy is great and highly effective for people suffering cognitive problems but fails totally when used for emotional issues. I will explain.

Our human brain is different to all other mammals and primates in that we have developed the higher cortex that gives rise to cognitive function, including speech, language, reasoning and self awareness. This we may term the “New Brain” and is the result of millions of years of evolution, if there is truly a difference between humans and other hominids this it. The “Old Brain” shared with many other species (that is also the result of millions of years of evolution), is dominated by the amygdala and the brain stem. The difference between these two parts of the brain is simply the difference between worry and fear.

Fear Based Anxiety is emotional
Fear is an instinctual response, often a reflex, in the amygdala of the old brain that may lead to the physical, often violent or, fight and flight, flee responses that are activated in the brain stem. This tends to be highly emotional, often below awareness and may be triggered by sounds, smells, colours and so on. When people have an old brain anxiety attack it is a fear reaction and they will appear temporarily out of control. Once they have calmed down and the cognitive new brain is back on line they may be filled with remorse, shocked and horrified by their instinctual behaviour.

The amygdala is a dual almond shaped organ, one in either hemisphere of the brain though usually termed in the singular. The difference between the two amygdala’s, has not yet been studied in the west, is in Ayurvedic neuropsychology recognised as a part of our intuitive function, that sense of knowing without knowing why we know. As such its function is both above and below our awareness. When it is functioning above our awareness we call it intuition. When it functions below our awareness we see it as the primal response of instinct. This is where we process fear, yet we may never understand why we are afraid.

Worry Based Anxiety is cognitive
The anxiety experienced in the new cognitive brain is completely different to primal amygdala responses in that it is experienced as a reasoned response based in logic. The reasoning and the logic may, in reality be faulty, but is experienced by the person as factual. People will say “it is a known fact that…” when it is nothing of the sort. Worry based anxiety comes from the person not living in the present moment. They have projected themselves forward into ideas and experiences that may never happen but they are living them in the present as though they have. The tools of worry based anxiety are obsessing, which may lead to obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD, rumination, dog with a bone syndrome where we cannot let it go and go over and over the same issue.

In Ayurveda
Worry anxiety in the cognitive cortex is seen as part of the process of the imagination. People with a poor imagination do not get worry anxiety because they have difficulty imagining negative futures to become anxious about. Cognitive anxiety is dealt with by Tantric therapy, which is not all about sex it is about dealing with and controlling the imagination. Worry in the amygdala is dealt with in the Raja therapy.

Tantric therapy is based in using visualisation to create future images that are positive and do not have the worry attached to them. Raja based therapy is mindful relaxation and meditative practice that reduces the levels of stress hormone in the body system reducing the instinctual feelings of fear.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Over the years I, and many other therapist, have a stream of people presenting with emotional anxiety who will state how they have had CBT for their anxiety and how it worked really well. My comment is what worked well and what’s changed now?

My theory is someone presents for therapy with amygdala based emotional anxiety. Because therapy is awash with CBT practitioners the patient will almost certainly see a CBT therapist who uses their learned tools for dealing with cognitive anxiety. What happens is that the therapist uses a set of cognitive exercises that suppress the patients fear based emotions. It is as though they force in a cork to trap the emotions in a bottle just like champagne. Because the emotions have not been processed or resolved then over time the emotions gradually push the cork out of the bottle and the patient ends up just where they began with emotional anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong I am not against CBT, just the way that it is misused. The bottom line is cognitive therapy for cortex based worry anxiety and emotional therapy for amygdala based fear anxiety. The trick is that you need to know the difference.

If your anxiety if based in logical reasoning seek out a cognitive therapist they will be great for you.

If your anxiety is fear based find a therapist skilled in emotional work they maybe psychodynamic, cognitive analytical (CAT), Mindfulness based stress reduction (MBSR), Mindfulness based therapies and you will get what you need.

Most importantly none of us need to suffer anxiety, if you do then please do something about it.

Take care and be happy

Sean X