What is Success?

How do you define success and how do you measure it?

Success is a term which gives you happiness and satisfaction. At the same time when you and others feel proud of you…”

Achievement of an action within a specified period of time or within a specified parameter.”

If I follow the Ayurvedic model I could identify eight levels of success:

Physical success:
I guess reaching the top of a mountain would feel pretty successful, just like I feel when I run a set distance. Our relationship with our bodies can be full of pride or shame. I have seen many people full of success as the scales confirm their weight loss or the gym member proud of their six pack or their body beautiful. I also see people recovering from illness. The stroke patient who is talking or walking again. My favourite is the child learning to use their body as they develop the skills of speech and also of dexterity.

Social success:
This is often related to who you know, levels of acceptance and belonging. Are you one of us, or one of them? Being invited to the right place or event in the knowledge that you have made it in the social set is success. This may be an invitation to the local bingo club or the masonic lodge both are groups of people who see themselves as ‘us’ and all outsiders as ‘them’. At school were you invited to all the birthday parties or, on occasions, excluded? At work does you face fit? Are you on line for promotion? Or, do you not stand a chance of getting on where you are because you are simply not one of ‘us’? Success is in acceptance.

Intellectual success:
This may be academic so that you are loaded with letters after your name and have enough degrees to start your own thermometer. It could be that you have written seminal books, have articles and research papers published, appear in the media as the resident expert. When it is not academic it is the person with an intellect like a whetted knife that is so sharp and fast that they can win any debate or cut you down with their sarcastic wit.

Emotional success:
This comes in two forms.
The first is love and romance getting the right partner/lover/spouse. It could be the emotional fulfilment of motherhood or the successful charity worker.
The second is the business leader. It may be a market staff or a multinational company. Both love and business require passion, energy and commitment. Do you realise that most successful mothers would make good business people but they seldom realise it. Success is usually in the form of recognition and appreciation for their achievements

Mental/conceptual success:
This is the upstanding member of the community. The committee member, parish counsellor, youth club leader or even the bingo club organiser. They may be politicians, charity leaders, judges, police officers, teachers, doctors and so on. The church leaders and commissioners, colonel, those that are chosen for special recognition for their efforts the MBE, OBE, those recognised in the annual honours lost. At the top end we have people that would be seen as aristocracy, the monarch, lords, ladies and knights of the realm. Success is seen in the title and in the status of the position that the title gives.

Intuitive sensitive reflective success:
There is a personality type who tends to be quiet, who lives a more internalised existence and may even separate themselves from the rest of society in communities, monasteries, ashrams and so on. It may be strange to see meditation, or the ability to still the mind as the object of success. For these people success is in being good, positive, helpful, empathic, sensitive and attending to the needs of the world. Often it may be in a hermitage, in hours of prayer and dedication. Success is in the ability to live a good life being neither happy nor sad, in maintaining a state of simply ‘being’ where thoughts are seen as powerful as deeds and goodness, in all its forms, as a virtue.

Creative problem solving success:
The progress of human existence has been created and dictated by the collective creative imagination of human consciousness. The first and the most simple of all machines, the wheel, transformed every life from there on. The ability to make a cup of tea or put a man on the moon is the living success of the creative imagination. Creativity is seen in the arts, in all the artistic forms, in science, agriculture, industry, economics, sociology and psychology. Success in this area is the development and application of the genuine newness and originality of pure creativity.

Love, the ultimate success:
Love is the glue that holds all things together, just as hate is the force that blows all things apart. Love, in its pure form, steps over all boundaries of race, religion, ethnicity, class, gender, and orientation. In pure love all needs are met, no one ever goes short of anything. In love we have heaven on earth now. The success of love in human expression is when the lion sits down with the lamb, when the Catholics and the Protestants of Northern Ireland live in peace, when the Israelis and the Palestinians come to an agreement, when Islam and the rest of the world find an accommodation, when men and women see each other as equals. When all are one with the same value, we have the ultimate success, this is pure love.

What is success for you?
My definition of any person’s success is simply this:

If you can wake in the morning with a smile on your face feeling good about the day you are about to have and if you can go to bed at night feeling good about the day you have just had then, you are a successful person

To truly find your feelings of success you need to be honest with yourself and do things that make you feel good. The rule is that if it makes you feel good then do it if it makes you feel bad then don’t do it. Happiness and success go together. If you are not happy you are not successful no matter how many possessions or how much money you have.

Take care and be happy

Sean x

TSHP069: How Do We Define Success?

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What’s Coming This Episode?

How do you define success and how do you measure it? Money, cars, shiny things, titles and stature count for little in the game of life. So how do we measure ourselves? Let’s discuss it…

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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TSHP068: Lessons From Little Ones

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What’s Coming This Episode?

A special guest these week meant a change of plan for the show – Ed’s 2 (and three quarter) year old son William! Will stayed in the background most of the time (apologies for the odd interruption on his behalf) and left Sean and Ed to talk about the lessons that people of his age, height and disposition can teach us old folks about life.

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

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Big Lessons from Little People

This week, on the podcast, Ed and I had a special guest, it was two year old Will, Ed’s son. It was great to have him with us for the morning so we decided to build the blog around our children in the sense of what is it that they teach us.

When I was a kid there was a lot of bible and I remember the phrase, something like, “you must become as a child to come unto me”. Now, I am not a religious person but the parables and stories from the old and New Testament, and the Koran and Tora, do make lost of psychological sense. The above phrase means to me that we need to develop the openness of a child to see, accept and understand something that is new and maybe wonderful.

Children have a magic capacity, as long as they are not abused, to greet each day and each new experience with wonder. The world in those early years is one of mystery, magic and discovery. Sure, there will be things that we experience that will hurt on some level and from these we learn as much as from those things that fill us with joy and happiness.

The key to being a child, and to being an active, growing, learning adult is openness. As soon as we stop the process of learning new things our brain goes into decline. We only produce new brain cells in response to new learning. No learning no new cells. No new cells and the brain is in decline and wearing out.

We have to remain open of heart and mind at all levels of our experience to remain young.

What new things have you learned this week?

The things that stop us growing are the limiters of experience, they are things that stop us doing things. Top of the list has to be fear and anxiety. However most of this is fed by negative expectation of the future which is a learned habit. Children have not yet formed habit like this.

The other limiters are things like prejudice when we prejudge other people or situations. Often this has an ‘us’ and ‘them’ component. We can make assumptions about people of different race, colour, religion, ethnicity, class, profession, the list is endless. As soon as we make assumptions we write a life script that limits our openness to life and what it has to teach us.

Perhaps the worst prejudice of all is to ourself. We limit ourself by our inner attitudes and feelings about who we are, what we look like, whether we see our self as clever or stupid, beautiful or ugly and so on.

If we are to live in the magic of being a child and allow our self to grow new brain cells that will keep us young and vital we need to STOP, then review who we are and ask why we believe or think and act the way that we do. We might just find that there is no basis for our beliefs and actions and that we might like to change.

The watch list

There are things to watch out for:

Limiting words are things like “ought, should, must, can’t, no…” These words should be avoided but when we hear ourself using them we should stop and question the underlying beliefs that created them and perhaps repeat what we just said but in positive terms.

Limiting behaviours: Stop doing everything the same way. If you create too many behavioural habit you simply become institutionalised into those behaviours. Walk to the shops a different way, change the day or time that you go to the gym, if you always have fish and chips on a Wednesday try having it on a Monday instead.

Listen to your mouth

The things that you say will limit your ability to change because when you hear yourself speaking you reinforce any negative thought patterns. Avoid phrases like “we always do it this way”, “we alway go there on a friday”, ‘It’s a known fact”.

Listen to your mind

Even when we don’t speak we can limit ourselves by what we think. The worst things to think are: “I am right and you are wrong”, “I know best”, “look here sonny when I was your age…” and so on.

Enjoy some newness

Do something new: Every week, or at least every month, do something new and different. Go to new places for your holiday, take up a new hobby, join a night class, learn a new language. Set yourself a challenge, run a marathon, jump out of a plane, learn to meditate, learn to swim.

Life long learning

This is what children teach us. If we keep learning we stay young. If we feel the joy and wonder of new experience we stay young. If we rid ourselves of prejudice and all preconceptions we stay young. If we are open hearted and trusting we stay young.

I’m up for life long learning and I hope that you are

Take care, stay young and be happy,

Sean x

TSHP067: How to Start Over

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What’s Coming This Episode?

When life is fun and the things that we do become a joy every Monday becomes a joy as we head back to work and every evening becomes a joy as we head home. When life is out of balance it does not work and we become unhappy.

It’s at this time when we most need energy. So where can we find it?

Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast!

Show Notes and Links

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Starting Over

Starting Over

It is the time of year when the summer has been spent and autumn is upon us, time to prepare for the dark months.

The classic for most of us, is that we have been in the relaxed mode of the summer sun, taking it easy, maybe a holiday but over all that feeling of chilled relaxation. Chemically, in our brains, that means that the levels of adrenalin and cortisol are low. It is this that gives us the relaxed feeling. Adrenalin and cortisol get a lot of bad press as being part of the ‘stress hormones, which they are, though they are there for a reason and it is not all bad.

These hormones are the high octane fuel that propels our everyday lives. Without them we would do nothing, life would be completely manjana and leave until tomorrow. Once we get some fuel on board we get a crack on and we get things done.

When we get back from holiday work can seem tough, it can be hard to get going again. What we need is higher levels of hormones. The problem is that in the holiday phase when the levels are low we chill out and we feel refreshed and good. Once we have been back at work for a few weeks and the levels of adrenalin and cortisol have risen we feel like we have never been away and we are then looking forward to the next holiday.

Now, if the stress hormones are high and remain high they effect our body system. High blood pressure, aches, pains, headaches, migraines etc etc are all the product of stress. To live in the madness of the world we need to both be able to crank up the chemistry when we need it and also to be able to reduce the levels and relax when we don’t. It can be easy to get the levels high all we need to do is go to work and for most of us they will automatically come right up.

The trick has to be balancing this high octane fuel with the ability to lower the stress hormones and chill out.

Well, the way to do that is called fun. For some people fun is an active thing that might involve running about, dancing, racing and generally energising. For others it will be more passive activities that might include chill-axing, reading a book, going for a stroll, watching a movie, having a massage and so on. It doesn’t matter what it is, but what does matter is that you know what is fun for you and that you do it.

Do you have a work life balance?

The phrase ‘work life balance’ is banded around in organisations. What this means is getting the balance between your work life and your home life right, so that you are effective and happy in both. There is a third that we should consider and be aware of, this is our individual personal needs. There is a balance between the needs of the workplace, the needs of the family, and our own needs. When you get this right life can be fun.

When life is fun and the things that we do become a joy every Monday becomes a joy as we head back to work and every evening becomes a joy as we head home. When life is out of balance it does not work and we become unhappy.

This time, at the change of the seasons, it is good to have a quick audit of where we are up to, make some decisions about what we want and what we are going to do and then start over and have some fun.

So what is fun for you?

Take care

Sean x

TSHP066: Suicide & The Value of Life

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What’s Coming This Episode?

The death of Robin Williams has struck a chord and raised an issue that has, up to now, been mainly hidden. Middle aged suicides in both males and females has remained largely unaddressed.

The idea that suicide is cowardice is held by those with little understanding or empathy and they can be forgiven for their ignorance, actually killing yourself is quite difficult and, in most cases requires determination and indeed courage.

A tough issue to deal with but we’ve done our best. Enjoy the show, it’s The Self Help Podcast.

Show Notes and Links

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Suicide & The Value of Life

The death of Robin Williams has struck a chord and raised an issue that has, up to now, been mainly hidden. Middle aged suicides in both males and females has remained largely unaddressed.

This week Ed and I decided to dedicate the podcast to the sad loss of Robin who, apparently suffered depression, the onset of Parkinson’s Disease and had financial worries. Whatever it was that took him to the edge I guess there came a point where he could no longer see or feel the desire to carry on. I was both saddened and ashamed by my fellow human beings who felt the need to put him down via Tweets and Facebook. The idea that suicide is cowardice is held by those with little understanding or empathy and they can be forgiven for their ignorance, actually killing yourself is quite difficult and, in most cases requires determination and indeed courage.

What value do you give your life?

Have you ever considered ending it? I know from my work as a psychotherapist that people do seriously consider it. If you are reading this then you didn’t follow through with the idea, what happened? The decision to stay alive means that you had a reason, what was it, or is it?

Whatever the reason you have it represents the value that you give to your life. It is the meaning that you give to living and I guess it would follow that it is the value that you might give to the lives of others. So, as you read this perhaps you might consider that if life does have a value what are we/you doing to help other people value their’s? There is enough food on the planet to feed everyone yet everyday people die of hunger. There is enough food, enough water, enough love, enough ideas, there is an abundance of everything if we have the will to share it. We could have heaven on earth right now.

There is so much that we can do to help and support each other everyday in every way, it is in us choosing not to that we have suffering in the world. I do not know the individual circumstances of. Robin but I do know that their are many people around us right now that would benefit from a kind act, word or deed that may keep them from falling into the black pit of suicide.

I have stood on the edge of the black pit in life and each time I have made the choice to move back into the light. In doing the podcast with Ed and considering why this was I came to the conclusion that I am too nosey to kill myself. Imagine going to a library or a bookshop and buying a book only to find that someone had ripped out the last few pages so that you will never know how the story ends? For me life is like that. It has, sometimes, been tough, and sometimes very hard to keep going, but it has also been amazing, it has been a blast and the one thing that it has taught me is that by staying positive, being grateful for all that I have and, by being consistent and persistent in all my endeavours and my attempt to ‘get it right’ my life and my happiness grows. I want to know how my story ends.

I guess the other good lesson is this. If you really don’t like the story line of your life, if it is boring, depressing, anxiety provoking, meaningless or just not what you want, then, pick up your pen and write a story line that does meet your needs. And, if you have trouble finding your pen or thinking up a story line go and see someone like me. Talk it through play with ideas and then with persistence and consistence live a life you can love.

For me a successful life is simply waking with a smile on your face feeling good about the day you are about to live and, at the end of the day having a smile on your face feeling good about the day you have just lived. At that point your life has a value way beyond money and yet you will be the richest person alive.

Keep smiling be happy and enjoy the gift of life.

Take care,
Sean x